He left me.

[dont-be-naive]

I'm done trying to defend myself against people on here who just want to attack me. I know what I've done is wrong and I'm willing to try and fix the sh*t I've created.

 

I'll ask again. What do you possibly think you can do to fix the fact that your H found you in HIS bed with another man, and the fact that you felt the need to contact the OM afterwards and apologize to him?

 

Do you realize how utterly hurt, pissed off, and disgusted he is to know you had the callousness and arrogance to bring that man into the marital home? You really think your husband wants to be in that home, let alone the bed the OM was in?

 

You are asking what you can do to fix this. And most of us are giving you a clue as to what is inside your husband's mind.

 

Since you are the cheater, I know you'd say that you would be objective, but really, if you found your H, assuming you cared, going in and out of another woman in your home and in your bed, stormed out and said "F U", what could he do to possibly want to make you stay?

 

 

Well husband wants to meet with me at his parent's house to talk so I will post again soon.

 

why? and do you really think you can show your face to his family once they find out you are a cheater and betrayed their son?

 

have you considered that he is so angry, and this may not be repairable that you should consider divorce? At least that way you can have sex with who you want, when you want, without betraying anyone.

[xxoo]

I don't think she is a troll. It is pretty common for women in affairs to have this entitled attitude where they have empathy at all for the person they betrayed.

 

I agree, and I think it is because some women think that the man loves her SO much that he'd forgive anything and suffer anything to keep her. When he is disgusted and angry instead, the wayward wife is outraged.

 

Fantasy is fun, but reality bites.

[whichwayisup]

Just go and listen to what he has to say, answer his questions honestly, even though the truth is going to hurt him, better to just give him details of what he asks, even if you don't want to..

 

Glad that you took the time to read Dazed's thread. There is an update to it, with a new username, but will share with that you another time.

[bentnotbroken]

Hmmmm, I also wonder about this thread...it was something about calling the poster's "peeps" that got the curiosity going

 

Hey Bent, are you feeling okay? I think you are showing favouritism! If this thread is legitimate, you haven't received anything harsh from Bent at all, some of her statements are pure gold and I should know, I've been on the receiving end of some of them!

 

Oh Bent, you let me down...

 

Still in Tony's time out. I must be good:rolleyes:.

[dreamingoftigers]

Sorry, but I think you're a troll.

 

Certainly a very involved troll, if she is one.

 

Maybe we can start a "maybe she's a troll" thread. This debate wouldn't help one way or another here. Those who think she is will not post to her and those who think she isn't will continue to.

 

I'll ask again. What do you possibly think you can do to fix the fact that your H found you in HIS bed with another man, and the fact that you felt the need to contact the OM afterwards and apologize to him?

 

Do you realize how utterly hurt, pissed off, and disgusted he is to know you had the callousness and arrogance to bring that man into the marital home? You really think your husband wants to be in that home, let alone the bed the OM was in?

 

You are asking what you can do to fix this. And most of us are giving you a clue as to what is inside your husband's mind.

 

Since you are the cheater, I know you'd say that you would be objective, but really, if you found your H, assuming you cared, going in and out of another woman in your home and in your bed, stormed out and said "F U", what could he do to possibly want to make you stay?

 

why? and do you really think you can show your face to his family once they find out you are a cheater and betrayed their son? ( he asked her to)

 

have you considered that he is so angry, and this may not be repairable that you should consider divorce? At least that way you can have sex with who you want, when you want, without betraying anyone.

 

Lots of affairs do get worked through, is she wants to try to work things out and he is to angry to do so, he sounds like the kind of guy that won't put up with it. Good luck to her if she does want to work it out and become a faithful spouse. Good luck to her if she wants to find out why she was entitled enough to do this in the first place and make healthier choices.

 

Still in Tony's time out. I must be good:rolleyes:.

 

And you stay there missy until....until.....

I hope you come back out soon.

[claraj]

When I came in the door his mother opened the door but stood in the doorway glaring me down for a few seconds before moving aside and telling me he's in the dining room. I said thank you and went inside. I got so nervous while I slowly walked in the dining room. Went in there and saw his father with his arm around husband's shoulders mumbling something to him. He saw me walking in and patted his back and stood up and said he and mother-in-law are going out and will be back around midnight. He looked at me as if he was ashamed of me then he went into the hallway and helped mother-in-law put on her fur coat and he put on his coat. Before he and her left he told me to lock the door. I did and I stood in the hallway, afraid to go back into the dining room where husband was at. He said come on back in here so I can look at the face that's been f**king a lot while I was gone. I slowly walked in the dining room and slowly sat down at the table across from him. We just stared at each other for a long time. I could barely keep my eyes on his. I swore he never blinked. He was like a statue. I kept telling myself I know he's not going to do anything to me so stop being scared.

 

After him staring at me so hard he dimmed his eyes and asked me quietly so you like to bring strangers into our house while I'm away hmm? I looked away. I was just anticipating him yelling at me. He said so you're not going to answer me when I'm talking to you. I took a breath and said yes. I couldn't even look at him after I said that but he said look at me. I focused my eyes on him but it was just so hard. No other way to explain that feeling. He asked me did I let OM roam around our house when me and him weren't having sex. I started whining and said nothing good will come out and he interrupted me loudly and said answer the f**king question. I quickly said yes. I was crying and said I'm sorry for this. He had a really angry look on his face yelling at me repeatedly that he caught me. He started sobbing hard and his voice was broken up and he said in between crying that he almost got killed and all he thought about was me and coming home. He said all he wanted was to get in his own bed and now he doesn't even have that because I f**king trashed it and that if he was dead, I would've still been f**king OM. He pointed his finger at me and said angrily that I completely changed into a disgusting bitch that belongs on the street. I croaked and said that's not true. He said yes it is, and since I want to be a skank I can do it without the marriage contract. I said I'm sorry for hurting you. He scoffed and got up and went upstairs and I heard a door slam roughly. I sat there for a minute to calm myself down then I slowly left the house and headed home. It's been a long night and I got an earful from husband. He told me a lot of things that I can't stop thinking about. I feel so so so numb now.

[bentnotbroken]

When I came in the door his mother opened the door but stood in the doorway glaring me down for a few seconds before moving aside and telling me he's in the dining room. I said thank you and went inside. I got so nervous while I slowly walked in the dining room. Went in there and saw his father with his arm around husband's shoulders mumbling something to him. He saw me walking in and patted his back and stood up and said he and mother-in-law are going out and will be back around midnight. He looked at me as if he was ashamed of me then he went into the hallway and helped mother-in-law put on her fur coat and he put on his coat. Before he and her left he told me to lock the door. I did and I stood in the hallway, afraid to go back into the dining room where husband was at. He said come on back in here so I can look at the face that's been f**king a lot while I was gone. I slowly walked in the dining room and slowly sat down at the table across from him. We just stared at each other for a long time. I could barely keep my eyes on his. I swore he never blinked. He was like a statue. I kept telling myself I know he's not going to do anything to me so stop being scared.

 

After him staring at me so hard he dimmed his eyes and asked me quietly so you like to bring strangers into our house while I'm away hmm? I looked away. I was just anticipating him yelling at me. He said so you're not going to answer me when I'm talking to you. I took a breath and said yes. I couldn't even look at him after I said that but he said look at me. I focused my eyes on him but it was just so hard. No other way to explain that feeling. He asked me did I let OM roam around our house when me and him weren't having sex. I started whining and said nothing good will come out and he interrupted me loudly and said answer the f**king question. I quickly said yes. I was crying and said I'm sorry for this. He had a really angry look on his face yelling at me repeatedly that he caught me. He started sobbing hard and his voice was broken up and he said in between crying that he almost got killed and all he thought about was me and coming home. He said all he wanted was to get in his own bed and now he doesn't even have that because I f**king trashed it and that if he was dead, I would've still been f**king OM. He pointed his finger at me and said angrily that I completely changed into a disgusting bitch that belongs on the street. I croaked and said that's not true. He said yes it is, and since I want to be a skank I can do it without the marriage contract. I said I'm sorry for hurting you. He scoffed and got up and went upstairs and I heard a door slam roughly. I sat there for a minute to calm myself down then I slowly left the house and headed home. It's been a long night and I got an earful from husband. He told me a lot of things that I can't stop thinking about. I feel so so so numb now.

 

 

His reaction sounds pretty close to normal.

[Woggle]

You might as well just give him the divorce and let him go. This marriage is dead and it will never be back to what it was. This is a man who is completely disgusted with the recent events and it sounds like he is done.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

When I came in the door his mother opened the door but stood in the doorway glaring me down for a few seconds before moving aside and telling me he's in the dining room. I said thank you and went inside. I got so nervous while I slowly walked in the dining room. Went in there and saw his father with his arm around husband's shoulders mumbling something to him. He saw me walking in and patted his back and stood up and said he and mother-in-law are going out and will be back around midnight. He looked at me as if he was ashamed of me then he went into the hallway and helped mother-in-law put on her fur coat and he put on his coat. Before he and her left he told me to lock the door. I did and I stood in the hallway, afraid to go back into the dining room where husband was at. He said come on back in here so I can look at the face that's been f**king a lot while I was gone. I slowly walked in the dining room and slowly sat down at the table across from him. We just stared at each other for a long time. I could barely keep my eyes on his. I swore he never blinked. He was like a statue. I kept telling myself I know he's not going to do anything to me so stop being scared.

 

After him staring at me so hard he dimmed his eyes and asked me quietly so you like to bring strangers into our house while I'm away hmm? I looked away. I was just anticipating him yelling at me. He said so you're not going to answer me when I'm talking to you. I took a breath and said yes. I couldn't even look at him after I said that but he said look at me. I focused my eyes on him but it was just so hard. No other way to explain that feeling. He asked me did I let OM roam around our house when me and him weren't having sex. I started whining and said nothing good will come out and he interrupted me loudly and said answer the f**king question. I quickly said yes. I was crying and said I'm sorry for this. He had a really angry look on his face yelling at me repeatedly that he caught me. He started sobbing hard and his voice was broken up and he said in between crying that he almost got killed and all he thought about was me and coming home. He said all he wanted was to get in his own bed and now he doesn't even have that because I f**king trashed it and that if he was dead, I would've still been f**king OM. He pointed his finger at me and said angrily that I completely changed into a disgusting bitch that belongs on the street. I croaked and said that's not true. He said yes it is, and since I want to be a skank I can do it without the marriage contract. I said I'm sorry for hurting you. He scoffed and got up and went upstairs and I heard a door slam roughly. I sat there for a minute to calm myself down then I slowly left the house and headed home. It's been a long night and I got an earful from husband. He told me a lot of things that I can't stop thinking about. I feel so so so numb now.

 

 

Yep still no sympathy here..lucky for you he didn't beat the living crap outta ya. He's got good parents obviously...and you my dear have potentially lost EVERYTHING because of some loser who couldnt even take you to his own place to screw you. Very classy on your part!

 

Oh well I hope you learned your lesson..I'm sure your poor husband did!

[Distant78]

When I came in the door his mother opened the door but stood in the doorway glaring me down for a few seconds before moving aside and telling me he's in the dining room. I said thank you and went inside. I got so nervous while I slowly walked in the dining room. Went in there and saw his father with his arm around husband's shoulders mumbling something to him. He saw me walking in and patted his back and stood up and said he and mother-in-law are going out and will be back around midnight. He looked at me as if he was ashamed of me then he went into the hallway and helped mother-in-law put on her fur coat and he put on his coat. Before he and her left he told me to lock the door. I did and I stood in the hallway, afraid to go back into the dining room where husband was at. He said come on back in here so I can look at the face that's been f**king a lot while I was gone. I slowly walked in the dining room and slowly sat down at the table across from him. We just stared at each other for a long time. I could barely keep my eyes on his. I swore he never blinked. He was like a statue. I kept telling myself I know he's not going to do anything to me so stop being scared.

 

After him staring at me so hard he dimmed his eyes and asked me quietly so you like to bring strangers into our house while I'm away hmm? I looked away. I was just anticipating him yelling at me. He said so you're not going to answer me when I'm talking to you. I took a breath and said yes. I couldn't even look at him after I said that but he said look at me. I focused my eyes on him but it was just so hard. No other way to explain that feeling. He asked me did I let OM roam around our house when me and him weren't having sex. I started whining and said nothing good will come out and he interrupted me loudly and said answer the f**king question. I quickly said yes. I was crying and said I'm sorry for this. He had a really angry look on his face yelling at me repeatedly that he caught me. He started sobbing hard and his voice was broken up and he said in between crying that he almost got killed and all he thought about was me and coming home. He said all he wanted was to get in his own bed and now he doesn't even have that because I f**king trashed it and that if he was dead, I would've still been f**king OM. He pointed his finger at me and said angrily that I completely changed into a disgusting bitch that belongs on the street. I croaked and said that's not true. He said yes it is, and since I want to be a skank I can do it without the marriage contract. I said I'm sorry for hurting you. He scoffed and got up and went upstairs and I heard a door slam roughly. I sat there for a minute to calm myself down then I slowly left the house and headed home. It's been a long night and I got an earful from husband. He told me a lot of things that I can't stop thinking about. I feel so so so numb now.

 

All I gotta say is: Damn.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

All I gotta say is: Damn.

 

Lol..damn wouldve been better if he had divorce papers on that table!

[2themoon&back]

 

I feel so so so numb now.

 

This may be a good thing for you that way things may have the chance to unfold all on their own without being manipulated by irrational emotions. You may want to step back a minute and give everyone time to calm down and get some control over their own emotions.

 

Maybe write your H, a letter with what you wish for you M, (if that is what you want) and tell him that you will answer his questions, but will not be verbally abused in the process nor fear physical abuse (no matter that some posters think you deserve this ...you don't) so when/ if ever he is willing to TALK, you will be ready. I know a lot of others will not agree with this and that is ok, but two wrongs do not make a right.

 

Even in justified anger everyone is still responsible for their own actions, even you--- as you well know at least now you do.

 

Some of the poster have told to get a divorce and let your H have his life, but some of them have taken their WS's back and forgave them and some did not, so keep this in mind and make your own choice for what you want and try to wait this out, to see if forgiveness or reconciliation is even an option for you.

 

If you have deep feelings for OM, then step away from everyone, for 3-6 months and do not do anything. The reason I say this, is not to do more harm to anyone including yourself, until you know what you want as well. Get into some IC, soon to help you work out your own feelings and what may have made you act in such a way that would hurt so many people you care about mainly ---Yourself.

 

If your H want to try to work things out he will let you know, but you must be completely finished with OM or what would be the point.

 

Take care and best of luck ….

[claraj]

This may be a good thing for you that way things may have the chance to unfold all on their own without being manipulated by irrational emotions. You may want to step back a minute and give everyone time to calm down and get some control over their own emotions.

 

Maybe write your H, a letter with what you wish for you M, (if that is what you want) and tell him that you will answer his questions, but will not be verbally abused in the process nor fear physical abuse (no matter that some posters think you deserve this ...you don't) so when/ if ever he is willing to TALK, you will be ready. I know a lot of others will not agree with this and that is ok, but two wrongs do not make a right.

 

Even in justified anger everyone is still responsible for their own actions, even you--- as you well know at least now you do.

 

Some of the poster have told to get a divorce and let your H have his life, but some of them have taken their WS's back and forgave them and some did not, so keep this in mind and make your own choice for what you want and try to wait this out, to see if forgiveness or reconciliation is even an option for you.

 

If you have deep feelings for OM, then step away from everyone, for 3-6 months and do not do anything. The reason I say this, is not to do more harm to anyone including yourself, until you know what you want as well. Get into some IC, soon to help you work out your own feelings and what may have made you act in such a way that would hurt so many people you care about mainly ---Yourself.

 

If your H want to try to work things out he will let you know, but you must be completely finished with OM or what would be the point.

 

Take care and best of luck ….

 

Thanks 2themoon. The idea of the letter sounds great. I'm still pretty shaken up by what happened so I know me and him will need a breather before we speak again. This is why I was so afraid to speak to him because of this anger. I know he's angry and I heard him very loud and clear. I have not spoken to OM nor do I intend to in the future. I'm trying to rid myself of him mentally. Haven't been to work since all of this. I will quit my job and hopefully I can find another one soon, even though I the idea of trying to find another job in this recession is scary. Anyway, thanks for your advice. I really do appreciate it.

[2themoon&back]

Thanks 2themoon. The idea of the letter sounds great. I'm still pretty shaken up by what happened so I know me and him will need a breather before we speak again. This is why I was so afraid to speak to him because of this anger. I know he's angry and I heard him very loud and clear. I have not spoken to OM nor do I intend to in the future. I'm trying to rid myself of him mentally. Haven't been to work since all of this. I will quit my job and hopefully I can find another one soon, even though I the idea of trying to find another job in this recession is scary. Anyway, thanks for your advice. I really do appreciate it.

 

I know you are shaken up so whatever you do keep it simple right now, letter as well.

 

And about getting another job, you will find one even in this recession, maybe two will be needed to make up your income but it will keep you busy right now.

 

If you focus on bettering yourself right now no matter what happens in your M, you will still be ok, get an IC soon please, it will help you tons and if your M survives this---you will be a healthier partner for your H.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thanks 2themoon. The idea of the letter sounds great. I'm still pretty shaken up by what happened so I know me and him will need a breather before we speak again. This is why I was so afraid to speak to him because of this anger. I know he's angry and I heard him very loud and clear. I have not spoken to OM nor do I intend to in the future. I'm trying to rid myself of him mentally. Haven't been to work since all of this. I will quit my job and hopefully I can find another one soon, even though I the idea of trying to find another job in this recession is scary. Anyway, thanks for your advice. I really do appreciate it.

 

Now, that post about his parents read pretty well like a book.

 

Anyhow, the rage is because he cared about the marriage. Letter is a good idea at this point, if you still want to save it all, you may want to contact Divorce Busters. Or at the very least a counselor (for yourself). If you don't want to divorce, let him file, that's on him. Keep being transparent. Don't give up, if you are not going to be his partner in the future, try to be a healthy partner for someone else.

[OpenBook]

Clara, feel free to take/leave this advice, as I have never been in your shoes. But here's what I would do if I were you AND I wanted to fix this & reconcile with my H:

 

1. Be infinitely patient and kind with your H. Put your own feelings on the back burner for now. This is one of those times when your H's needs trump your own. Be completely transparent with him, tell him the truth every time (which it looks like you are doing already - good for you!). Don't ask him to do anything. Don't expect anything from him right now.
   
2. Get rid of the bed where you had sex with the OM. Get rid of all the sheets for it. Buy a new bed & sheets, or move the bed in from the guestroom.
   
3. Sterilize (thoroughly clean) the entire house.
   
4. Go get tested for STDs. Get the results in writing. When/If your H asks you about it, show him the results.
   
5. Pray. (the most important thing, in my book!)
   
6. Understand that as a rule, straight men do not recover from their mates' sexual infidelity. Realize that the odds are against you, that your H may not be able to reconcile it.
   
7. Give your H, and yourself, time. Lots of time. This is going to take awhile.
   
8. Lean on your family and friends. You need somebody on your side to talk to.
   

[Woggle]

What do you plan to put in this letter? What do you have to say that is so stinking important?

 

You are quitting your job so you don't have to work and you can try to soak your H for alimony in the divorce! Ugh... every time I read one of your posts I have to reexamine how terrible of a person you are.

 

So, what are you going to put into this letter that is going to make him feel better? Do you plan to profess your love? You have proven the opposite with your actions. Actions trump words. It's just going to confuse him and I think your just trying to do it to drive the knife further!

 

Can't you just do the right thing 1 time? Just 1 time in your life? Go away... stop posting on this board grant your husband whatever he wants in the divorce and just slink away into the night.

 

This is harsh but I agree. I actually don't think you should quit your job. Be able to support yourself so your husband won't have to pay alimony and then just let him go. If the marriage was this bad that you felt the need to cheat then do both of you a favor and end it.

[woinlove]

He started sobbing hard and his voice was broken up and he said in between crying that he almost got killed and all he thought about was me and coming home. He said all he wanted was to get in his own bed and now he doesn't even have that because I f**king trashed it and that if he was dead, I would've still been f**king OM.

 

Is that ever hard to read. I have never worked at a dangerous job that risks my life, but I know the feeling of being away in a stressful situation and thinking about nothing but coming home to my H and a safe haven. I can't imagine suddenly having that yanked away. Never mind when one has to think of the possibility of dying.

 

I think a man who works at a dangerous job, really needs to have a safe home. It is good that his parents are trying to help him. Claraj, you obviously have not been the kind of partner your H needs and do you really think you could ever be? Nothing you post sounds like you could be in the forseeable future. What do you honestly think?

[whichwayisup]

I have nothing more to offer except get yourself into counselling ASAP and let your husband have space. Be prepared for divorce, he may not be able to work through this, nor may he not want to. It's one thing to have an affair being found out, it's another to be busted with another man in HIS bed, in HIS house. This is something that will stay with him for the rest of his life.

[dont-be-naive]

He started sobbing hard and his voice was broken up and he said in between crying that he almost got killed and all he thought about was me and coming home.

 

this is exactly why this marriage needs to be dissolved. the man shouldn't have to risk his life and worry about who his so-called wife at home is having sex with.

 

hey may not be strong enough to do it, so why don't you do him the favor?

[dont-be-naive]

This may be a good thing for you that way things may have the chance to unfold all on their own without being manipulated by irrational emotions.

 

there is nothing irrational about her H's emotions and reaction.

[whichwayisup]

there is nothing irrational about her H's emotions and reaction.

 

I know. This man came home to HIS house and found HIS wife in HIS bed with another man. Unbelievable that someone would call his behavior or reaction irrational. W.......T........F!!!!!!!!!!

[Owl]

I'm going to reiterate points others have made.

 

1. The odds are very, very high that your marriage is permanently over. Your H most likely will not forgive you, ever. Even if you decide to try to win him back, you'd better be ready to accept this as your reality.

 

2. Let your H come to you at this point. Pursuing him right now is not going to help the situation for any of you.

 

3. Get tested.

 

4. Start working on building your own life...on your own...given that your marriage isn't likely to continue. Start working on your own personal and financial independence.

 

5. Learn from these mistakes.

[claraj]

I'm going to reiterate points others have made.

 

1. The odds are very, very high that your marriage is permanently over. Your H most likely will not forgive you, ever. Even if you decide to try to win him back, you'd better be ready to accept this as your reality.

 

2. Let your H come to you at this point. Pursuing him right now is not going to help the situation for any of you.

 

3. Get tested.

 

4. Start working on building your own life...on your own...given that your marriage isn't likely to continue. Start working on your own personal and financial independence.

 

5. Learn from these mistakes.

 

Thanks for your advice Owl. I know my marriage is most likely over and I am ashamed of myself. If he is willing to reconcile I will accept that it will be extremely difficult. All I keep hearing is his venting at me last night, playing in my head over and over and over.

[GorillaTheater]

Ok, seriously. If this post doesn't convince you that this is a troll....

 

Somebody fancies themselves a writer.

 

I was thinking the same thing before I saw your comment.

 

Somebody's polishing up a story for Literotica.