Distant78 Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 there is nothing irrational about her H's emotions and reaction. Damn right ain't nothing wrong with how he's handling this. Link to post Share on other sites
dont-be-naive Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Thanks for your advice Owl. I know my marriage is most likely over and I am ashamed of myself. If he is willing to reconcile I will accept that it will be extremely difficult. All I keep hearing is his venting at me last night, playing in my head over and over and over. and even if he decides to stay, the verbal venting may stop, but I'll guarantee you, he'll be thinking it and will always be in the back of his mind. trust will never be regained in this relationship. not with someone who did what you did. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 I know. This man came home to HIS house and found HIS wife in HIS bed with another man. Unbelievable that someone would call his behavior or reaction irrational. W.......T........F!!!!!!!!!! He is a man so of course some women will call him irrational. To some we are not allowed to have emotions. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 He is a man so of course some women will call him irrational. To some we are not allowed to have emotions. That's just bull crap:mad:. Everyone has emotions and everyone should be allowed to express them...especially someone who found his wife doing the freak in his home in his bed. He behaved more rationally than I would have. It's possible I would be on death row. Link to post Share on other sites
dont-be-naive Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 He is a man so of course some women will call him irrational. To some we are not allowed to have emotions. well, its not just from a woman, but a woman that has been with another woman's husband. so it makes more sense why they would think the person being betrayed shouldn't be afforded an emotional reaction. the man is reacting exactly as a majority of people might when they find out they can't go off and do their duty without coming home and finding another man in your bed. Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 He is a man so of course some women will call him irrational. To some we are not allowed to have emotions. Got that right. Some women these days just think a man is suppose to eternally serve them at their red-painted toes. Link to post Share on other sites
cyabye Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Can't you just understand my situation and have empathy? Yes, I can understand your situation and I empathize with your husband. He did the right thing. Of course you want to work it out now that you've been caught red handed (so to speak). Reverse the rolls here. What do you expect? cya Link to post Share on other sites
Author claraj Posted January 14, 2011 Author Share Posted January 14, 2011 I am realizing more and more that I have screwed up really bad. I guess I was too stupid enough to think my actions weren't that big. Some people here are saying that it's a very low chance that my marriage will recover and that feeling creeps me out. I know I have damaged him deeply and I wish I can be there for him to wipe all of the pain away, but I realize I can't. I'm composing a letter to send to him now. Hopefully he will take the time to read it, if not I'll understand. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 I think writing a letter and being totally honest and remorseful is the only thing to do. You also need to be tested for STD's. Tell your husband that you will engage in therapy to understand your actions and promise to affair proof your marriage in the future. The bottom line is to show your husband that you "get it." Imagine if the roles were reversed. What would you wish to hear from your cheating spouse that you found in your marital bed with another person? I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 I guess I was too stupid enough to think my actions weren't that big. You're not stupid, but there is something very wrong inside of you that you couldn't see that your actions were a big deal. The magnitude of what you did, having another man in the bed that you and your H share KILLED him. He will never be the same because of it. YOu do need to go to counselling and sort yourself out. Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 I'm sorry but I don't think you are ready and you're only acting on impulse because you got caught, and him ripping you a new anal. Even if you guys do try reconciliation he will be very resentful and you will eventually get tired of trying to prove yourself that you're worthy of being married. Link to post Share on other sites
Author claraj Posted January 14, 2011 Author Share Posted January 14, 2011 I think writing a letter and being totally honest and remorseful is the only thing to do. You also need to be tested for STD's. Tell your husband that you will engage in therapy to understand your actions and promise to affair proof your marriage in the future. The bottom line is to show your husband that you "get it." Imagine if the roles were reversed. What would you wish to hear from your cheating spouse that you found in your marital bed with another person? I wish you luck. You're absolutely right Brynap, I don't think I could handle the pain if it was dished out to me. I have already put the letter in the mailbox. I will set myself up with individual counseling as soon as I have the money for it. I do want this to work, even though the odds are piled up against me. Link to post Share on other sites
2themoon&back Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 there is nothing irrational about her H's emotions and reaction. Who was talking about her H? I am talking to her about her.... by the way it is her thread, not her H's Link to post Share on other sites
blizzard Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 I wouldn't write the letter honestly. If your marriage goes into divorce, he may use this letter and it's contents against you. TALK to him. Link to post Share on other sites
2themoon&back Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Yes, I can understand your situation and I empathize with your husband. He did the right thing. Of course you want to work it out now that you've been caught red handed (so to speak). Reverse the rolls here. What do you expect? cya So you can not have any empathy …….. None for a person who is so lost within their self, to do such self destructive behavior, who may have not realized the depths of their selfishness and who is just now realizing that their decisions come with real consequences. Who may be to immature to do any better at this time in their life, someone who has caused real life pain for themselves and their loved ones ...what is done is done, but no.... not one ounce of empathy .... Really? Not sympathy but empathy. I see... this is to me only being able to see things one way and this being the reason for no empathy, not because it is not deserved. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 My husband put me through sheer Hell with his unrepentant, serial cheating. I have no idea how many even. (For sure). Even I know that people can become more self-and-other aware. We are not all who we were. I hope claraj changes her mindset from the one that was in bed with OM. Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Who was talking about her H? Everyone that responded to her has been for the past few days. I am talking to her about her.... by the way it is her thread, not her H's But isn't this about her husband and what she consciously did to him? Link to post Share on other sites
2themoon&back Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 You're absolutely right Brynap, I don't think I could handle the pain if it was dished out to me. I have already put the letter in the mailbox. I will set myself up with individual counseling as soon as I have the money for it. I do want this to work, even though the odds are piled up against me. They do have IC sessions though certain churches and other organizations that is either free or on a slide scale to defer the cost. I am glad you are trying to do something to help you understand you. Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 So you can not have any empathy …….. None for a person who is so lost within their self, to do such self destructive behavior, who may have not realized the depths of their selfishness and who is just now realizing that their decisions come with real consequences. Who may be to immature to do any better at this time in their life, someone who has caused real life pain for themselves and their loved ones ...what is done is done, but no.... not one ounce of empathy .... Really? Not sympathy but empathy. I see... this is to me only being able to see things one way and this being the reason for no empathy, not because it is not deserved. I am sorry but I save my empathy for the man who was betrayed. I caught my ex in my bed in my house as well so I know full well how this guy feels. I ended up throwing out the bed and the room looks nothing at all now like what it did back then. This is like a person burning down their house and then complaining they are homeless. Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 So you can not have any empathy …….. None for a person who is so lost within their self, to do such self destructive behavior, who may have not realized the depths of their selfishness and who is just now realizing that their decisions come with real consequences. Who may be to immature to do any better at this time in their life, someone who has caused real life pain for themselves and their loved ones ...what is done is done, but no.... not one ounce of empathy .... Really? She knows what she did was wrong. She cheated on her husband for 9 months and let's not forget, in his personal sanctuary, and in the bed that was supposed to be there for him and her ONLY. Don't you see she's only doing this because she got caught? Her husband is right, if he hadn't made it back home and caught her those legs still would've been up in the air for OM moaning and enjoying it. She's not hurt right now, HE is. And you say his feelings are irrational? Really? Not sympathy but empathy. Nope. For what? Link to post Share on other sites
2themoon&back Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Everyone that responded to her has been for the past few days. Not everyone.... Originally Posted by 2themoon&back This may be a good thing for you that way things may have the chance to unfold all on their own without being manipulated by irrational emotions. I was not talking about him in the above post I was referring to claraj, who I have been posting to since SHE began this thread. But isn't this about her husband and what she consciously did to him? Not exactly, it is also about the pain she is experiencing because of her actions and the way she has hurt herself and her H and her M, but it does seem to be very important to MOST posters, they seemed to be concerned with is her H, he is not the one posting here, so I do not need to focus on him as much as helping claraj deal with the situation she has created and trying to support her in a positive way to move towards change for the better. Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Not exactly, it is also about the pain she is experiencing because of her actions and the way she has hurt herself and her H and her M, but it does seem to be very important to MOST posters, they seemed to be concerned with is her H, he is not the one posting here, so I do not need to focus on him as much as helping claraj deal with the situation she has created and trying to support her in a positive way to move towards change for the better. What pain is she feeling? Only guilt because she got caught. Link to post Share on other sites
2themoon&back Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 I am sorry but I save my empathy for the man who was betrayed. I caught my ex in my bed in my house as well so I know full well how this guy feels. I ended up throwing out the bed and the room looks nothing at all now like what it did back then. This is like a person burning down their house and then complaining they are homeless. I am sorry you experienced this for yourself, but this does not negate the fact that a person who has reached out for some guidance and support is not entitled to it. Even when they cut them self/or burn down their own house. They are still worthy of empathy because there must be something very broken in them to do something so destructive to themselves and their life. Link to post Share on other sites
2themoon&back Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 She knows what she did was wrong. She cheated on her husband for 9 months and let's not forget, in his personal sanctuary, and in the bed that was supposed to be there for him and her ONLY. Don't you see she's only doing this because she got caught? Her husband is right, if he hadn't made it back home and caught her those legs still would've been up in the air for OM moaning and enjoying it. She's not hurt right now, HE is. And you say his feelings are irrational? Really? Nope. For what? Let me say this, I am not worried about how her H is feeling right at the moment, I am worried about her... period. I never said (for the second time) her H was irrational; I don't care either way as much as I care about her emotions and thoughts that may be irrational at this point and to stop for a moment till she can collect herself. And IMO, it does not matter how descriptive you are in your post, this does not persuade me to stop wanting to support her. She has done what is done and she is dealing with it, to keep telling her what she did is over kill and for what reason, so she can say how sorry she is and then someone here can say "you’re not sorry, your just caught and guilty" it is a no win here for her, so I chose to focus on her and not her H, until she tells me different this will be the path I take. Link to post Share on other sites
2themoon&back Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 What pain is she feeling? Only guilt because she got caught. This has validated my point exactly! Even when you do something so wrong....you too can feel pain, not just guilt. The pain may not have been anticipated but is there all the same. Link to post Share on other sites
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