Counselling?

[Bella]

Hi guys. I would really like your advice on the following problem...

 

I've been with a guy for about 3 years now and I love him and he seems to be crazy about me, but we fight really badly, because we are both a bit volatile. He has a real temper and we have broken up so many times but always get back together. I'm at the point where I want to give up, but he wants to go to counselling. We were going to go together but we had a fight beforehand so he went on his own. Now he wants me to go for a whole course with him but I don't know if it's worth it, I don't know if I can ever trust him with my feelings again. It's really expensive so I can't be half-hearted if I go and spend that amount of money. Should I just take a break and sort myself out or what? It looks like he wants to try but can people ever really change?

 

Any advice would be great. Thanks.

[Tony T]

Yes, people can change if they want to...most people don't. The BEST way to get this guy to change is to get a video camera and turn it on during one of your arguments and let him see just how stupid they look.

 

People argue because they have weak egos. They think it's terribly important to be right and to get their way. They have never sat down to realize that not getting their way about certain things is pretty painless and far less costly and energy consuming than an argument. Like you're going to get a big check in the mail...or a pay raise at work...or some kind of big orgasm-like feeling of euphoria...just for getting your way. It's really a stupid thing. Having sane discussions and arriving at compromises is the modern result of our long evolutionary process but some people are stuck in the cave. Even the Flintstone's didn't argue all that much.

 

Once both of you see how insignificant being right is, seeing how EASY it is to compromise, you will see just how foolish fighting is. If it's about who left their clothes on the floor, it takes less energy for the one who is bothered to put them where they belong than to have a long drawn out fight. All you need to say is: Honey, I will take you to your favorite restaurant Saturday night if you stop leaving you stinking underwear on the floor. No argument needed. If you don't want to touch the nasty underwear, use tweasers to put them in the washer...still less energy than fighting.

 

An excellent counsellor can teach you strategies to fight fairly, if you must. He/she can also teach you excellent communication and dispute resolution techniques. You can also learn how criminal it is to yourselves to get so upset so often about such trivial things. I mean life is so short and any moment could be our last. Do we want to tell St. Peter our last moments on earth were spent fighting over who was going to the Seven-Eleven for bread and milk.

 

If you are both mature, intelligent, sane, and not using mood altering drugs, a good counsellor should do wonders. When you have really arrived, you will not engage even when the other wants to argue...you just start laughing. Because it is radically insane to work yourself up so much about such trivialities. It is just no important at all to be right.

 

It has been my experience that people who like to argue a lot or who have anger problems have serious underlying issues not related to the arguments. The tendency to have a temper is an outward sign of more serious problems and issues that the person must identify and deal with and are not in any way related to what is being argued about.

 

People who come from highly dysfunctional families will often use their intimate relationships to work out their anger and other issues...since showing anger was not permitted within the family of origin.

 

There is a passage from a religious book I like to quote: "Answer not a fool according to his folly, let thou also be like unto him." (Proverbs 23:6) That was written thousands of years ago and basically means if you engage in somebody's foolish bantering, you become a fool yourself. More modern ways of saying it are: When you get down with the dogs, you get up with flees. When you sling mud you lose ground.

 

Any way you slice it, arguing is just plain dumb. Conflict resolution can be a very orderly, enjoyable and constructive process.

 

It's just hard sometimes for a person to learn new ways of doing things after having observed their parents doing it a different way. If he has a temper, he probably has a lot of repressed anger from his childhood that a counsellor can help him get in touch with.

 

People get angry basically because they aren't getting their way and they think it's important to have their way. If counselling doesn't show any promise within a reasonable amount of time, if you guy doesn't see his foolishness and learn how sane, rational people deal appropriately with anger, you will have to re-evaluate your relationship and decide if it's something you want to remain in.

 

A reasonable argument now and then is healthy. But this constant bickering about petty stuff is pretty silly and may indicate the two of you are just not compatible.

[Deejette]

I agree with Tony about arguing, and he put it in a way that makes all these horrible fights seem like such a waste of time, because they don't make anything better. But I think that if your boyfriend wants counselling for both of you and it really isn't your idea, then he should pay for it.

Yes, people can change if they want to...most people don't. The BEST way to get this guy to change is to get a video camera and turn it on during one of your arguments and let him see just how stupid they look. People argue because they have weak egos. They think it's terribly important to be right and to get their way. They have never sat down to realize that not getting their way about certain things is pretty painless and far less costly and energy consuming than an argument. Like you're going to get a big check in the mail...or a pay raise at work...or some kind of big orgasm-like feeling of euphoria...just for getting your way. It's really a stupid thing. Having sane discussions and arriving at compromises is the modern result of our long evolutionary process but some people are stuck in the cave. Even the Flintstone's didn't argue all that much. Once both of you see how insignificant being right is, seeing how EASY it is to compromise, you will see just how foolish fighting is. If it's about who left their clothes on the floor, it takes less energy for the one who is bothered to put them where they belong than to have a long drawn out fight. All you need to say is: Honey, I will take you to your favorite restaurant Saturday night if you stop leaving you stinking underwear on the floor. No argument needed. If you don't want to touch the nasty underwear, use tweasers to put them in the washer...still less energy than fighting. An excellent counsellor can teach you strategies to fight fairly, if you must. He/she can also teach you excellent communication and dispute resolution techniques. You can also learn how criminal it is to yourselves to get so upset so often about such trivial things. I mean life is so short and any moment could be our last. Do we want to tell St. Peter our last moments on earth were spent fighting over who was going to the Seven-Eleven for bread and milk. If you are both mature, intelligent, sane, and not using mood altering drugs, a good counsellor should do wonders. When you have really arrived, you will not engage even when the other wants to argue...you just start laughing. Because it is radically insane to work yourself up so much about such trivialities. It is just no important at all to be right. It has been my experience that people who like to argue a lot or who have anger problems have serious underlying issues not related to the arguments. The tendency to have a temper is an outward sign of more serious problems and issues that the person must identify and deal with and are not in any way related to what is being argued about. People who come from highly dysfunctional families will often use their intimate relationships to work out their anger and other issues...since showing anger was not permitted within the family of origin. There is a passage from a religious book I like to quote: "Answer not a fool according to his folly, let thou also be like unto him." (Proverbs 23:6) That was written thousands of years ago and basically means if you engage in somebody's foolish bantering, you become a fool yourself. More modern ways of saying it are: When you get down with the dogs, you get up with flees. When you sling mud you lose ground. Any way you slice it, arguing is just plain dumb. Conflict resolution can be a very orderly, enjoyable and constructive process. It's just hard sometimes for a person to learn new ways of doing things after having observed their parents doing it a different way. If he has a temper, he probably has a lot of repressed anger from his childhood that a counsellor can help him get in touch with. People get angry basically because they aren't getting their way and they think it's important to have their way. If counselling doesn't show any promise within a reasonable amount of time, if you guy doesn't see his foolishness and learn how sane, rational people deal appropriately with anger, you will have to re-evaluate your relationship and decide if it's something you want to remain in. A reasonable argument now and then is healthy. But this constant bickering about petty stuff is pretty silly and may indicate the two of you are just not compatible.

[Nicky]

I agree with Tony about arguing, and he put it in a way that makes all these horrible fights seem like such a waste of time, because they don't make anything better. But I think that if your boyfriend wants counselling for both of you and it really isn't your idea, then he should pay for it.

Actually, I think counselling can be useful. You both seem to trigger off something in each other. I found it helpful to understand myself and the tendencies I have. Sometimes we can't always see how we are, but understanding ourselves more can be useful in life.

 

I think you should go if he means enough to you. It is highly unlikely that it will get rid of all the things you dislike about him, but if you can reach some sort of working relationship with him, would you want to be with him?

 

Will going off by yourself really cure the problem?

 

all the best