Feeling down again

[sarah42]

It's been over 3 months since my ex and I broke up. Some days I feel like I'm really trying to get on with my life and then other days (like today) I feel right back I'm right back at the start. I've been thinking a lot today. I STILL can't understand how my ex treated me so bad. I thought I knew him so well. I've been thinking about how he treated me when he phoned to say it was over. IT JUST WASN'T HIS CHARACTER. I still feel like there is something he is hiding from me. How do you come to terms with someone you thought you knew behaving totally out of character?

[bittersweet]

Girl, I don't know how to explain why people turn out so differently than you expected. I was with my b/f for 6 years and found out 2 weeks ago he was cheating for 3 months. Today, I delt with him telling me he's not in love with me and he's leaving me for the other girl. It's a very scary feeling when you have no control over certain things. I'm sure you always think the worst for what he must be hiding. I was doing that for a long time and nothing hurts more sometimes than hearing the truth. I feel led on. They both seem like the type of people who only stay in relationships because of how much the other person is in love.

 

Let me know what happens- Don't let it eat you. I can't believe I'm saying this but things will get easier or atleast less confusing (that's why I say to myself now).

[sinkerswim]

That is one of my biggest problems.... is that I DONT have control over the situation what is going on with me and my boyfriend of 8 years.

Control is what tore us apart.

Me being controlling.

 

God..I would give anything to go back and correct what I did wrong.

 

Sarah...My boyfriend/fiance had such a different tone with me when I called him 2 days ago to see if he forgot about me.(we didnt talk for a month b/c he needed space)

All he kept saying that morning was "I have to get ready for work"

very short, very cold answers. Not like him at all.

It tore my heart out when he I asked if he would talk to me again and he said "I dont know".

COMPLETELY DEVASTATED.

My whole body went numb.

8 years... and promises that he would never leave me.

My best friend...talking this way to me.

A million daggers through my heart.

[calithin83]

we will never understand what makes a guy change, and we will never understand how they can just pretend it never existed...the more we thnk, the more sad we get..the more they are getting on with life...we cant contemplate forever the WHYS? cos really everytime we ask why, even if we get an answer, another why will come!

 

things that might help to recover...

every morning before getting off bed..PRAY TO GOD- for example put ure hands in ure head and pray that the thoughts of ure ex to fade away or to decrease, and tell God to help ure mind stay at ease..

then put ure hand in ure heart and tell Jesus Christ to ease the pain, and to help your heart feel okay! Pray for Strength, Jesus Christ is not selfish adn he is listening to you, and he will help you ALOT!!! u dont need to deal with this alone!!

then...when u wake up look at yourself and tell yourself that u love yourself and that u will be strong because of YOU..and even though u love ure ex..just try hard to not think cos he might not be thining about u..or he might..either way its not importatnt right now..YOU are important!!!

 

2. Go to the gym- blow off some steam that way and get in shape at the same time!!

 

3- decorate ure room,move things around, and listen to inspiring music-not sad love songs example : IM a Survivor by destinys child, or Pinl: There u go....

 

also know that it will take time..day by day...its not easy..im saying all this but i still wish i can have my ex back..it does HURT!! im in pain too but im trying not to let it get the best of me..because then i know im letting him win...the best thing is to Show strength...u can cry ./...let it out..but just dont ever let him hear or see or know that ure feeling down....for some reason sometimes people liek that someone is in pain..

 

stay strong!!! and repear : I AM STRONG, I AM STRONG, I AM STRONG, JESUS CHRIST IS BY MY SIDE, AND I WILL BE BETTER THEN IVE EVER BEEN!!! I WILL BE SO HAPPY WHEN IVE MADE IT THROUGH THIS< BECAUSE I KNOW THAT ONE DAY ILL SEEE THE LIGHT AND WHEN THAT HAPPENS I KNOW THAT IVE PAST THIS TEST AND ILL BE STRONGER THEN EVER BEFORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[sarah42]

Thanks guys! It means so much to read your replies when I'm feeling like this. I'm still a long way from recovery and I take great heart from hearing what you all say. I don't know if I'll ever understand why my ex treated me like he has done, but as long as I get support like this, I'll keep posting on this board if that's OK. It's sooo helpful knowing other people understand because I don't really have anyone else to talk to.

[lonelyandsad]

I don't think a person can ever really totally know what someone is thinking or why they do the awful things they do. My guy of eight years cheated on me for the last 3.5 years, and I didn't suspect a thing. I don't know why he did it, and I never will. Basically he was a selfish prick. We just need to do the best we can to be happy, because living well is always the best revenge. Its been 3 months since I spoke to my ex, and I have to admit I'm feeling a tiny bit better everyday. I'm sorry for your trouble. Things will get better with time. Hang in there.

[hazel]

I understand where you are coming from. I too do the same thing sit around and think about the good times then the bad. But I see that we put it on us. It is not always our fault. I mean him changing like that, I think you should call him and tell him you want to talk about the way he came off to you. Make it known that you are trying to move on but it is hard when yall didn't close well. iight

[NEONINK]

The best thing you can do, is make plans. And keep making plans for yourself. Plan your Friday nights, your weekends. Plan a vacation with friends and stick to them.

[Dixiecron]

Sarah,

 

Do you care to look back at your first posts here? Seems to me like you've come pretty far from where you were then... I think you're doing just fine.

[sarah42]

I don't feel like I've made any progress at all. I don't understand WHY I'm just not feeling any better. I feel so low today. The tears are stinging in my eyes and the overdose thoughts are in my head again.

 

I'm waiting for it to start getting better and it isn't. Could it be that I'll never get better until I know the truth. I see him at football matches and it's clear he's avoiding me. WHY. His friends have started to come and talk to me at football but they aren't telling me anything and I don't think it's fair of me to ask THEM.

 

I want to know why he asked me to get engaged 6 weeks before finishing with me. Has he met someone quickly and made a hasty decision to finish. Why did he finish over the phone. Why couldn't he face me. This is NOT the boyfriend that I knew. WHAT'S HE HIDING FROM ME. My head is so mashed with all these questions. I feel like I'm going to burst with frustration.

[from ND]

Sarah.....overdose is no option to you, been there tried that, NO PERSON is worth that in this world. I am feeling your pain right now, I just found out my G friend was cheating AND having a separate affair w her boss. the best thing to do to move on, and easier said than done, is to know they must not have love you as much as they say for them to do that and someday they will loookback and regret it. also what goes around comes around.

[Evanescence]

I am feeling the exact same way. It's been almost 2 months since we started with the break, and a month and a half since we actually broke up. I was feeling SO much better at the beginning of this week, but right now i feel like i'm going right back into it. It is a horrible feeling to think that you made it so far with your emotions and then find yourself going right back where you came from. It's horrible because you try so hard to get to that good point and then you slip right back in. It's also very frustrating! I found out that my ex already has another girlfriend. He too, just the day before the break, was looking at engagement rings and talking to me about getting engaged. When i asked him two weeks ago why he did that, he completely forgot that he did it and wouldn't believe that he did! He said that i pulled him to that window with the rings, but i didn't! He did! I knew at the time that something was wrong, but he pulled me up to the window, made a comment about the rings, and i just said "i've given up on that whole thing". i knew something was wrong, but i didn't know HOW wrong it was.

Anyway, I'm there too.. in that horrible place where i'm thinking of what was, and what could have been. All the future plans we had together. What really bothers me now is the "what now?" question. I wish i could meet that someone special and all my worries would just wash away. I'm one of those people who wants to have control over their life (although it's impossible) and i like to know where i'm going, and not knowing is absolutely killing me. I hate this feeling! I just can't stand it.

I've tried the 'planning out the weekend' thing but everything keeps getting cancelled, and then i'm left just sitting at home alone thinking of everything. Thinking of how he's with this other girl and i'm with no one (although that is NOT the reason i want to be with someone), how i don't know what my future holds at all, what if i die old and alone? what is going to happen to all those hopes and dreams that i've had for myself since i was 16? Those things that i wanted so badly for myself, and now i can't have? (i was with him for 5 years). I know there is someone out there for me, and i just wish i knew who they were! Whether it is him or not.

My ex was completely out of character when this all first started. I don't know if now i've just accepted that as him now, or if he's actually been showing his old self again, but when i talk to him he doesn't seem so out of character anymore. I think it hurts more to hear someone that is "in character" to tell you the truth and that they don't want to be with you anymore than the "out of character" person. So in a way be glad that they are acting out of character.

Another thing that sucks is that my ex has treated me like crap through this whole thing. So much disrespect. And i look back at our relationship, and i know he loved me, and would do almost anything for me, but at the same time, i don't think i can remember a time that i ever felt respected. However, despite all of these bad things about him that have come to light, all reasons i should move on and forget about the a**hole, i still want to be with him. I don't think i'm "in love" with him anymore, but i still love him very very much. As much as i want him to come back, i don't even know if i'd take him back at this moment. I have to respect myself more than that.

I've never been a religious person (well i was 10 years ago, but not at all the last bit), but i have found myself praying SO much. It's the only option i have left! And it doesn't hurt. Whenever you feel like you have absolutely NO ONE to talk to (which i often feel like, especially lately (probably why i'm going back into this rut)), you can always kneel by your bed, and look out your window to the sky and just pour your heart out. There may be no one listening, or there may be someone listening, no one really knows. Its just best to think that there is someone listening, someone who will NEVER get sick of hearing you talk about this, and someone who cares about you and how you are feeling. Whether that they can do anything about it is a different story (if there is a God, he is a very busy being), but its still good to hope that they will do what they can. I started praying for my ex to come back and for everything to be better. I also prayed for all of my friends who were going through the same things. I then started praying for relief. I was so sick of how i was feeling. And when the relief started to come, I prayed for thanks. Just like you are talking to a friend. Like i said, I'm not religious by any means, but it really really does help.

Anyway, hopefully we all can move on with our lives, all our questions will be answered, and this will all end up working out for the best. My motto of the moment is "This too shall pass". The phrase is posted on my wallpaper of my computer! Its something you have to believe in.

[from ND]

wow evanessance, youre helping me out Cool, i been praying too, I been praying for the pain to go away, then i found this website, so i am able to vent, its helped me, some days i dont know wheteher to be sad or mad, i dont know if im healing or fooling myself into thinking im getting over it, feelings suck!, I alternate between wanting her back, and hating her for the rest of my life, i wanna write her a letter, then i crumple it up, i hate it! maybe i just hate the fact she cheated, then i hate myself for wanting e back even tho she did it

[Evanescence]

hey ND

good to hear that i've helped.

know why we want them back? because we loved them so much. We are having a hard time letting go of everything that we wanted in the past for our selves. Do we really want them back after everything they've done to us? think about that. will it happen again if we get back with them? (my ex didn't cheat, but he may as well have in my eyes, it would actually probably make this whole thing easier to deal with) Or do we just want what we had planned for our lives? We just want what is good and comfortable. We want someone to snuggle with and watch a movie on a saturday night with. Someone who is just there to call and talk to, tell them how much you love them, and receive the same back. Someone who you know can hold you and give you a hug and make all the pain go away. We want that special someone to do things with that will make the normal every day things just seem so much better. A lot of these things that we want for ourselves are things that other people can offer us, and some day, someone will. Of course we want it now, not later, but we have to deal with this crap for now in order to get to the later. When we do find that special someone, we will be happy. As much doubt that i have in my mind that i will never ever meet that special someone (i thought i had them but now they are gone), i probably will, and you will too. Someone who will never dream of doing what our ex's did to us. Gotta start thinking positive. When i can get myself into that mind frame (believe it or not it does happen), i feel so damn good! Its hard to be optimistic in this situation though i know, and its completley understandable. It's alright given the circumstances.

I've been using music as therapy, and i recommend the song "Goodbye to You" by Michelle Branch. one line that gets me is "and it hurts to want everything but nothing at the same time" I want him back, but i don't at the same time u know. Then she says "i want you, but i'm not giving in this time"... very good words!! well put.

Another good song for me is "In the End" by Linkin Park. It is my situation exactly. I put so much effort into this whole thing, but in the end, it doesn't even matter. I've also changed SO much in this whole process, i don't even know myself anymore. I've changed for what i'd like to think is the better though.

Has anyone else made some major self improvements during this time? Not to try and get your ex back, but for yourself? I've recognized this time as a good time to make some major self improvements, and i think that has also helped the healing process.

[sinkerswim]

I also asked the same question why he cant face me and tell me he doesnt want me anymore.

 

A great friend of mine said to me whos been through the same thing said

Its because THEY are insecure about their own feelings and they dont want to experience MORE pain by seeing us cry.

I guess shes right.

 

I hate this more than anything.

I will be here for all of you guys, if you can be there for me too.

 

Ugh..Life sucks bad right now.

[from ND]

yeah, listening to music helps...then hurts too, that linkin park puts me in a self pity mode. i try to get out of that. I just want answers, like answers that i may never get. we tend to put everything on the line when it comes to relkationships, then we get burned and are fearful to open up to that person ever again, like if you cheat on someone, even if you are drunk, and they tell you if you get honest they would take you back, then why wouldnt you, why wont she throw her pride out the window if she really loves me and just get honest, maybe she is not being honest w herself. I pray for her, not for her to be back, but for her, that helps me over come my anger and frustration.

[sarah42]

I've just been out with the one and only friend I've got to go out with. Sat in the pub and every time the door opened I looked to see if it was him (not that we ever went to that pub), I can't go anywhere where I went with him. It hurts SO much because I'm looking for him EVERYWHERE. I can't stop myself from doing it. I wanted to be sat there with HIM. I kept thinking - what's he doing right now, who's he with, will he ever want me back. Got some good advice off my friend. She said to show him I'm not bothered and I'm getting on with my life. I am trying to do that - but only because I want him back. I know you'll all think I'm wrong for doing that but I just can't help it. He's broken my heart. I've tried praying too. But I'm feeling like - why has God deserted me in my hour of need?

[Evanescence]

I'm in a way fortunate because i live in a different city from my ex. He lives 2 hours away. I try to stay away from there right now. But every time i'm in town (visiting my parents) i'm always looking for him, no matter where i go. I know right now i don't want to look anymore because most likely if i see him somewhere, he will be with the new girl, and that will absolutely KILL me. If i think i'm doing bad now, i dont' want to see what will happen to me if i see him with her. I dont want to know what my reaction will be either. I'm away at school, that's why we live 2 hrs apart, and i'm so worried about moving back home. I will be so miserable! all of my friends are here at school. I only have one friend back home, so going home is going to be absolute torture. I'll have no one to spend all my time with! I want to stay here at school this summer, but i have a really good paying job back home for the summer. I'm also thinking of moving out to the west coast to BC (i'm in Ontario right now) in a year to go to graduate school. I don't know if i can stand being in the same area as him anymore even. There is just too many memories here, and i feel i need a fresh start u know? I kind of wish i was going to graduate school this september instead of next year. I feel i need that fresh start right now! And i wish i could get it. The ex kept saying that our break up isn't written in stone and he still sees me in his future and still loves me. he told me that if I move to BC, then our chances of getting back together are slim to none.. but i don't care anymore. He said it himself, if we are meant to be, we are meant to be, and we'll get back together eventually. If not, then we weren't meant to be. So it shouldn't matter if i move to the west coast then, right?!

Anyway, Sarah, don't think that God has abandoned you in your time of need. If there is a God, then he is looking upon you and he is doing this for a reason. Everything happens for a reason. This is just a life experience and you have to learn from it. Maybe you aren't finished learning from it. I know i REALLY feel like i have learned SO much, and i feel i'm done learning. But then i also said that a month ago and i learned a lot in the last month. We are never really done learning, but the situation will get easier as time passes on and as you learn more about yourself and life itself. The more you learn, the easier this will get to be to deal with. If there is a God, he is probably making this process easier on you in some way. He doesn't want you to suffer. Things could be SO much worse. Its hard to see, but they could be. Just think of all the other blessings you have in your life and then wonder if you have truly been abandoned. (gosh, i feel like a preacher here! lol... and i am a person that has almost completely abandoned religion!).

 

For the last few years I have completley ignored religion. I didn't believe in any of it and thought it was all b.s. I still kind of do to be honest, but my mom kept telling me that a time would come where i would have no other options and no one to turn to, and i would turn to prayer. She was right.. i did.

[Dixiecron]

Sarah,

 

If you are religious, do a Google search on the last sentence you wrote about God and you'll probably find a few stories that may help. Also search on "dark night of the soul". Everything passes.

[sarah42]

Thanks everyone. I don't know what I would do without this site. I feel you have all become friends.

 

Evanescence - I too am frightened that I'm going to be left on my own. I feel a need to replace him immediately but I know deep down that I don't want anyone else. I'm very worried though that I'm going to be on my own for a long time now. I haven't got a great track record when it comes to men. When I go out anywhere it seems so noticeable that everyone seems to be in a couple. It brings it home to you that you are on your own and no-one wants you.

 

I've experienced bereavement through family deaths and although I loved those family members very very much, the pain I'm going through now is worse. I can honestly say I've never experienced pain on this level ever before.

 

Going to have another difficult day today. My ex has gone to a big sporting event and I should have been there with him. Instead I'll open a bottle of wine and watch it alone on TV and have a cry. And, of course, I'll be looking for him in the crowd.

 

Dixiecron - I'll do the search, thanks.

[moimeme]

I'm very worried though that I'm going to be on my own for a long time now

 

Use this time to learn to love your own company. It's very possible and it's the best thing you can do for you.

 

It brings it home to you that you are on your own and no-one wants you.

 

Goodness! That's not the case at all. Somebody does want you very much - you are just making your way to each other. You both may have lessons still to learn before you find each other - and that's OK. When you do come together, you will be at the right place in the right time. Until then, travel forward, continuing to learn and grow.

The universe is unfolding as it should. (Desiderata)

[Evanescence]

Sarah - Moimeme couldn't have said it better.

 

I too feel the way that you do. I actually tried to "pick up" at the bar the other day, and the guy ended up having a gf, so my automatic thought was "God, all the good ones are taken". But that was only one guy, and how do i know that he was a "good one"? But I too am afraid that i am going to spend my life alone. Moimeme is right. You should be using this time to learn to love your own company as well as the company of others that love you (friends and family memebers - i bet when you were with your ex you didn't spend much time with them). You have to look at this time in good light. Once you do that, you will feel so much better. You will have bad moments (like I'm having right now) but it will make life so much easier to deal with! I have days now where i feel atop of the world! I walk around with campus (i'm a student) with music in my ears from my mp3 player. Some good songs to listen too are "I will survive" by Gloria Gaynor, "Brave New Girl" by Britney Spears, and "its my life" by No Doubt. They just make me feel happy for some reason. I recognized this time as time that i have to use for reflection and self improvement. Cherish this time! It will go by a lot quicker than you probably think it will. LOL, not that i know from experience because this is my first time being single (can't really count years where you are younger than 16 as your "single" years) and it was really tough at first, but now I'm trying to make the most of it and I'm having a lot of fun. When plans get cancelled I get miserable though, so try to have a back up plan, whether it be doing something with someone else, or treating yourself to something alone.

 

One thing that I did in the beginning that started my way to feeling better was I started pampering myself. I lost about 20 lbs through this whole ordeal so I decided to take advantage of that. I went shopping, and it felt SO good to be able to put on these clothes and look as good as I did/do. Next I went and got a hair cut. Then I went to MAC and got a completely new "look" for my makeup. Got my nails done. Bought some new CDs. Took a long relaxing bath. Then i did something more extreme and got two piercings (rook (inner ear cartiledge) and my navel). These are two things that I have wanted since I was 16! At 16 my parents still ruled me so i couldn't get it done, then once i became old enough where my parents didn't have much say, the bf (now ex) had the say (i stupidly allowed him to have it anyway). He was very controlling when it came to what i could and couldn't do with my personal appearance (a reason i shouldn't want him back right? but why do i still want him back? i love him.. i can't help it). So now I'm free! and i can do this. As well I might get a tatoo. Also something I've really wanted for a long time. These things are a bit more extreme, so you might not want to do them, but my point is try to think of something that you feel you may have not been able to do before. You might not have anything really because your ex may not have been as much of an a**hole as mine was, but if there is, and you still really want to go do it, do it! Provided that it is something safe. When i got these piercings, it felt SO GOOD! I felt so free! Anyway, mainly, just pamper yourself. Take all that energy out of worrying about him and put it into worrying about yourself. Why worry about someone and put all that effort into someone who doesn't care anyway? It's a waste of energy. Once you realize this, you will feel a lot better. Once I realized it and started to but all that energy into myself, guys started hitting on me ALL THE TIME, it was crazy. I also find that just random people are smiling at me! Every time i go out I just walk by people and they smile at me. Maybe I'm smiling... i definitly know that I'm glowing though. It has made such a huge difference in my life.

 

I also like what Moimeme said about how there is a person out there for you, but maybe you both have some learning to do before you meet them. That line helped me a lot, THANKS MOIMEME! It's is SO true. You have to take this time and learn from it. That should be extra incentive to try and learn during this time! You know, I have changed SO MUCH through this, I hardly even know myself anymore! I have changed THAT much. And they are all positive changes, changes that have made my relations with other people so much better.

 

Have you done any reading at all? I have a bunch of books that have helped. I purchases two books about breaking up (one called "A girls guide to surviving a break up" and the other "Break up repair kit"), one about abandonement (The journey from heartbreak to connection) written by a woman who was married for 20 years and her husband woke up one day and said "i don't love you anymore". She is also a psychotherapist for people dealing with abandonment. The last one is called "the bonds that make us free". Haven't read it yet but it is suppose to completely change your view on relationships.

 

This is like a death. Completley! I know what you mean how this feels worse. Its because a death is final. This isn't really. He is still out there, walking around. May be with someone else. And all those things just make it SO MUCH worse. My best friend died when I was 16 (when i first started dating my ex actually - she was 60.. my babysitter, but I went to her for EVERYTHING). God, i had never felt so much pain in my entire life... but for some reason, the loss of my ex hurts even more than that! My reaction to both initially was exactly the same (dropped down to my knees screaming and crying.. actually sounds a bit extreme for a breakup, but i did it, i felt horrible and wanted to die). Looking at both cases (a death and a break up) they are kind of the same thing. It is the loss of a loved one. The break up may in a way be harder to deal with because you have all those other things to deal with. As well, it may not be final.. what if u do get back?

 

That's another thing. You have to stop thinking about getting back with him. Easier said than done. Stop trying to do things because you think it will get him back into your life. Once you start to think that, you will be so much better! Trust me.

[moimeme]

"I will survive" by Gloria Gaynor

 

Truly the all-time greatest post-breakup song!!!!!

 

Also, you can give this great little book a read - FREE! - online:

 

http://www.mcwilliams.com/books/sur/srtoc.htm

[sarah42]

I watched the game on TV. Wondered if he though it wasn't the same there without me. I have to stop it, I know I have. I just don't know HOW.

 

I'm starting a new job in 2 weeks. I want it to be a new start for me but I'm frightened I won't be able to concentrate. It's the negative thoughts creeping in.

 

I'm listening to Elton John's Sacrifice at the moment. Somehow it brings me comfort. I have to agree though about Gloria's I will survive. Anyone got any other ideas of the best breakup song?

[Dixiecron]

Sarah,

 

Short term, I would recommend a healthy dose of heavy metal and copious amounts of alcohol. But maybe that only works for guys

 

Take my opinion for what it is...take it or leave it. I'm going to disagree with all of that Gloria Gaynor crap because I think everyone should learn to -feel- and -experience- these post-breakup emotions. Just part of growing up, getting older, maturing, what have you. Don't keep doing the same thing twice and expect different results.

 

That being said, in your case I would recommend starting a good collection of blues and women jazz singers. One of the things about blues is that it is, in the end, all about saying: yeah, this thing or time in my life sucked, but I made it through and I'm still here to sing about it...

 

The other good thing is that you can impress a lot of (new, better looking and more intelligent) guys with your newfound blues/jazz knowledge. So, here's a list:

 

Sarah Vaughn

Ella Fitzgerald

Sade

John Lee Hooker

Buddy Guy (get the album "Heavy Love" and listen to tracks 4 and 9. 9 especially)

 

Also, any album by the band Cracker (alternative country music), once you're feeling just a little bit better. Good albums are "Low" and "Forever". On the second of those two, the track "One Fine Day" is very nice... sad but redeeming in a way... just like life can be like at times... Oh well.

 

And, a special entry:

The Yo-Yo Ma 2-disc set of the Bach unaccompanied cello suites. Suite No. 2 is killer.

 

Also, turn off the TV. Do anything but pump your brain full of that crap. Go outside, or read a book or anything but that. Do something where you aren't being told by some marketing/advertising types (or anyone else) what the perfect life is...