Can't get over ex-girlfriend even after 30 years

[comethemorning]

It motivates me to want to try again really hard and eliminate any what if's. 30 years of this would be worse than being waterboarded at random times in the middle of the night.

Believe it or not, I have never suffered from the 'what ifs'. The last time I walked away from him, I KNEW it would be the last time. It had to be, for both of our sakes. I have never forgotten him, but he has never forgotten me either. As I said earlier, it is but a bittersweet memory that makes me smile - even if now and then I get that little 'pang' in the gut.

[northern_sky]

I read all of your threads. There's a disturbing, unhinged quality. You seem selfish and addicted to love highs. I don't believe this affair you had with a woman thirty years ago was some great love that is impossible to get over. You're more in love with being in love than with any individual. The person who happens to be the object of your amour at the moment is interchangeable. Stop acting like you stumble into these situations, and consider that you're probably subconsciously looking for them.

Edited January 12, 2011 by northern_sky

[Mrlonelyone]

As for it constituting an 'emotional affair', or something you can 'decide' to get over - B.S. It is a feeling. It is a memory. It was someone that you connected with on an almost supernatural plane. When you have that type of connection with another human being, they become a part of you, and you would forget them as you would your foot if it was amputated.

 

YES YES someone who really articulated just the kind of thing I have been feeling about the particular EX I have been writing about here. Sooooo many people here say "just get over it", move on, go NC and forget it. Trust I have done that without even blinking about other relationships which in the moment....felt like something. This woman was supernatural....Queen of the world (and sometimes acted like it which was a huge negative).

 

She was Mumtaz Mahal to my Saha Jehan. He built her the Taj Mahal and aged 30 years when she died. His hair turned white, and he ended up spending his life composing poetry until his son Aurangzeb imprisoned him and took over the Mughal Empire.

 

Jehan had dozens of other wives! He had most all of India at his feet He should have been OK. He wasn't.

 

What woman could ruin him and make a madman out of me? In fact the woman looks like every depiction of the woman that inspired building the Taj. ie. this this this.

 

The reason I may suffer from what if's.... because I still have a sliver of hope of having that kind of relationship that Saha Jehan had with Mumtaz with her. I don't care if I have to try a Dwayne Wyane like move at any future wedding. I will regret being embarrassing allot less.

 

Oh brother LOL. It felt good to rant that out. Sometimes it feels like very few here get what I am feeling. I am sooo glad to have found comethemorning and grampi here.

[northern_sky]

YES YES someone who really articulated just the kind of thing I have been feeling about the particular EX I have been writing about here. Sooooo many people here say "just get over it", move on, go NC and forget it. Trust I have done that without even blinking about other relationships which in the moment....felt like something. This woman was supernatural....Queen of the world (and sometimes acted like it which was a huge negative).

 

She was Mumtaz Mahal to my Saha Jehan. He built her the Taj Mahal and aged 30 years when she died. His hair turned white, and he ended up spending his life composing poetry until his son Aurangzeb imprisoned him and took over the Mughal Empire.

 

Jehan had dozens of other wives! He had most all of India at his feet He should have been OK. He wasn't.

 

What woman could ruin him and make a madman out of me? In fact the woman looks like every depiction of the woman that inspired building the Taj. ie. this this this.

 

The reason I may suffer from what if's.... because I still have a sliver of hope of having that kind of relationship that Saha Jehan had with Mumtaz with her. I don't care if I have to try a Dwayne Wyane like move at any future wedding. I will regret being embarrassing allot less.

 

Oh brother LOL. It felt good to rant that out. Sometimes it feels like very few here get what I am feeling. I am sooo glad to have found comethemorning and grampi here.

 

Grampi: read the post above. Is this the kind of person you want to be like?

Edited January 12, 2011 by northern_sky

[Mrlonelyone]

Grampi: read the post above. Is this the kind of person you want to be like?

I pitty you northern sky.

 

You have no idea what real love is. It's like... when you really love someone if it's really unconditional that means you can let them go and still love them. I just don't see that I have to let go yet. She hasn't married anyone...and has lied to her BF for my sake.

 

I'll bet you $100 that within two years I will be at least living with the woman I'm writing about here.

Edited January 12, 2011 by Mrlonelyone

[grampi]

Grampi,

 

What you wrote is very sweet but you made a lifetime commitment when you said the words "I do". You have an obligation now to your kids and to the women you swore you'd stay together forever with. I believe you should deactivate your facebook account, destroy anything of you two together, and see a therapist. It is not worth ruining your marriage with your wife, ruining your kid's lives, and then ruining another marriage on top of it.

 

You seem like a strong person, and I hope you will do what's right.

 

I think you're doing a bit too much reading between the lines and getting it wrong. I AM committed to my wife and kids and I don't know where you got that I'm not. I hope you're not getting this from this Chaucer person because he/she is out in la la land somewhere. If I wasn't devoted to my wife I wouldn't still be with her after over 20 years of marriage. What does having a Facebook account have to with any of this? I said I haven't been in contact with my ex for almost 30 years now. What I'm dealing with is a memory of what used to be...

[grampi]

Comethemorning

 

You and I are on the same page here. There are a few others that may be too, and then there are a few that just simply don't get it. My wife suffers from depression. At first, I reacted the same as some in here are responding to my situation. I would say things like "just get over it" or "it's all in your head, you have no reason to be depressed." In reality, it's an actual problem and I just didn't understand it because I have never experienced it. IT'S ONE OF THOSE THINGS YOU SIMPLY CANNOT UNDERSTAND UNLESS YOU'VE EXPERIENED IT YOURSELF. A person can sit there and say they have experienced true love, but you got over the person. If that's the case, then you haven't experienced what we are experiencing BECAUSE YOU WERE ABLE TO GET OVER THE PERSON. Not being able to get over the person is the part we are dealing with here.

Edited January 12, 2011 by grampi

[Graceful]

Comethemorning

 

You and I are on the same page here. There are a few others that may be too, and then there are a few that just simply don't get it. My wife suffers from depression. At first, I reacted the same as some in here are responding to my situation. I would say things like "just get over it" or "it's all in your head, you have no reason to be depressed." In reality, it's an actual problem and I just didn't understand it because I have never experienced it. IT'S ONE OF THOSE THINGS YOU SIMPLY CANNOT UNDERSTAND UNLESS YOU'VE EXPERIENED IT YOURSELF. A person can sit there and say they have experienced true love, but you got over the person. If that's the case, then you haven't experienced what we are experiencing BECAUSE YOU WERE ABLE TO GET OVER THE PERSON. Not being able to get over the person is the part we are dealing with here.

I've been on relationships boards for a long time, although on LS just a few months. I had not seen a thread where so much judgment was being passed here before, but it happens on every other board, why not here?

 

Grampi, you seem to only want to hear what you want to hear. This is a public forum, and one of the advantages is to hear different points of view. If the only point of view you want to hear is your own, then you should put that in your original post. Otherwise, you are going to get a myriad of POV's and for my money, that is to your benefit. Even if someone is harsh with you, even if someone put you in the hot seat, that should be looked upon as a way for you to view your situation in another light, and yes, that includes if the person is condemning you.

 

I've seen people handle condemnation amazingly, openly and willingly. Not defensively. So I am sorry to see that your thread is fraught with tension and your inability to be thankful for the various viewpoints.

 

Insofar as how you feel, there are more people than you think that feel this way. I am one. The "love of my life so far" is someone that I shared an amazing time with , but know we are not right for each other. When it ended, I suffered for a very long time -- but bottom line, I did not let go of the love, but I let go of him. I wanted nothing but the best for him. We reconnected a long time after the break, and are now friends, although more at a distance. I still adore him, and always will. But I am resolved, and while not always easy, I am resolved. In your book, this means I have not experienced what you have experienced. In my book, I have. By that I mean, I am a different person that you are, and have different coping skills and different perceptions. So while we had the same experience, I settled in differently. That equates as the same thing to me, while it does not for you. So be it. We see it differently.

 

No two people are going to make you feel the same way. No two relationships are the same. Falling in love at 20 is very different than falling in love at 30, 40, or 60. As you evolve in your life, your life experiences come with you, and your head and heart also evolve. The backdrop of life comes with you. So what I don't "buy" is that a grown man has not been able to put this whole situation into the proper context, and be ok with it. I don't think there's anything odd that you still think about this woman, but I do think you should have been able to give it a context and be okay with it a long time ago.

 

My ex's father died when my ex was only 14, his father was killed in a car accident and he never saw or spoke to him again. Never got to say goodbye. Was the apple if his father's eye, too. So it makes sense that would haunt him and he'd grapple with that for the rest of his life, potentially. Another BF I had was from an violent, alcoholic home, and his father also died when he was young, and still in college. He was self-made, successful in his career, highly educated and managed to move beyond what his parents were unable to give him as parents. I recently attended the funeral of one of my young cousins, who died a tragic death. He had demons he could not face and the demons finally took his life. His death has made me think about things, and caused me some true sorrow and distress.

 

What are some of your life traumas? What else have you suffered from and has caused you distress? Have you lost your father at a young age? Have you watched someone you love die? Have either of your kids behaved in a way that brought you distress or have you worried until you were out of your mind with worry because of a situation they were in? Have you had to put a pet to sleep? Have you been a caretaker for someone with a terminal illness? Have you gotten a phone call in the middle of the night telling you someone you loved died? Have you buried a son or daughter? Have you? You might think this is irrelevant, and you don't have to answer, but seriously, dude, if you had some of this stuff happen, I'd think you would be more humbled about life at your age.

 

So all I am saying is, if you are still hanging on and using this experience of an old GF from 30 years ago as some sort of yardstick or as some sort of excuse for continuing to look backwards, that to me, is kind of lame. I hope you have had some other rich experiences in your life, or some other deep, meaningful experiences, maybe you do volunteer work, maybe you "give bacK" in other ways, I don't know, but you need to get out of your own head and stop sounding like some whiner who thinks this is something that you've experienced that is rare or inexplicable in life. It is not. Get some perspective.

 

What is rare to me is when two people have a lasting, loving, meaningful, fun, playful, sexually active, devoted, dedicated, caring, compromising, giving, communicative relationship that lasts a lifetime. That is the rarest thing in this world. My parents came fairly close to this. That is what "millions of people never get to feel" and never have. And for my money, it's what we're all here for, yet so few really find. That is the jewel in the crown of life.

 

We all get one life. Do you want to spend your's engaged in looking backwards trying to figure out or be haunted by an old GF? It sounds like your marriage is not that hunky dory, and I am sorry your wife suffers from depression (and yes, I have compassion for that and understand that you can't "snap out of it"), but you need to get out of your head and experience life in a more healthy way that will feel more gratifying than continuing to convince yourself that you have a 30-year old crush that you can't "get over" --- sigh. That's all I got.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Grampi,

 

Yes, I said I'd go away, but you summoned me by invoking my name.

 

I think you need to hear this again: YOU are responsible for HOW YOU HANDLE your feelings, just like the rest of us.

 

You have NO CLUE about the depth of love that many of us have felt, and do feel. Among many other stories of how loves end up in the past, there are people on this site who have lost their deeply loved spouses TO DEATH who have CHOSEN to discover the way to be present and to love fully in a new relationship.

 

Past loves don't go away, they live on in us in a special place.

 

I don't believe we "get over" anything of great intensity that happens to us in our lives. Those things become part of us; of what defines us. We bring them with us as we move on through life. They should NOT be "baggage" that weighs us down or prevents us from experiencing the PRESENT with fullness.

 

And, I must say that your "love" from your teen years, which, according to you, was one of many during that period, is probably vibrantly colored by your imagination at this point.

 

Let me repeat: If you don't address your issues within your marriage and probably YOUR OWN issues (among them avoidance of personal accountability), I believe you are likely to passively ruin your family life.

 

Wouldn't it be honorable to stand up like a strong, righteous man and face your own part in these emotional indulgences you are so prone to? Either work on how to be happily (and faithfully - physically AND emotionally) married or become single so you can "find happiness" with another. Unless "open marriage" is an option for you and your wife - I imagine it's not.

 

Grampi, would you please answer a question? Have you always had these "unavoidable temptations" throughout your decades of marriage, or are they a recent development? I realize that you fantasize that very few people have experienced the depth of love that you had for your ex girlfriend, but really, the whole construct is so typical of the voice of "midlife crisis."

 

To the other people reading this thread: Please check out Grampi's posting history, and I believe you will understand where I am coming from. I'm not the anti-true-love Grinch. I even believe in decades-spanning unrequited love, or love that could never be realized in day to day life - like Romeo and Juliet.

 

There is not one atom of that depth of emotion in these posts. What there is is complaining about a life partner's lack of "passion," her "depression," and a lot of fantasy.

[grampi]

Graceful and Mme.Chauser

 

I couldn't care less about the "harsh" replies. What I don't care for are the passive judgemental statements about me that are just flat wrong.

 

Insinuating that I have marital problems, or that I'm heading towards ruining my marriage, or that I "look" for the situations I've been invloved in are completely wrong assessments of me. I think I've said this before, but just in case I wasn't clear enough I'll say it again. I dearly love my wife and family, overall I am very happy with my life, and if I had the chance to do it all over again I wouldn't change a thing. I know what I have is precious and I wouldn't trade it, or give it up for the world. I also realize this issue of not being able to get over my ex is my problem, and my problem alone, and I have to deal with it the best way I can.

 

Mme. Chauser

 

Since you asked me a direct question, I will answer it. Anytime an attractive member of the opposite sex has shown an attraction to me it's given me an emotional high, and that's been this way since I was old enough to remember. I didn't realize that alone makes me a scumbag or constitutes a marital crime. I just thought it's how mother nature works. You also keep insinuating it's my fault these situations occur to me. Well, I suppose ultimately you're right. I suppose it's my fault because I won't avoid going out in public altogether, and I choose to have media devices such as computers and cell phones, all of which allow for exposure to other people. I refuse to become a hermit, so yes, it is my fault these things happen to me.

[comethemorning]

You know, one thing that I think everyone is forgetting, is that we are dealing with feelings. And when dealing with feelings, there is neither right or wrong. That is why they are feelings. And each and every person on this earth deals with, and feels with, differences. If your child came to you with the same questions about their feelings towards another human being that is/was important in their life, I wonder if they too would receive the same treatment and answers that appear presently on this board...

 

As to whether or not Grampi is trolling, does it matter? If anything, what this thread has shown, is that there are others who are dealing with the same thing. And isn't that the purpose? To share, vent, whine, cry, whatever. This has given way for other posters to say, "hey, I am experiencing the same thing", whereas before, who the hell wanted to EVER admit that they still held a torch for someone from 10, 20, 30 years ago.

 

Opening dialogue is what I thought this forum was for. Not everything is black and white. No two people deal with things in the same way. NC is not the answer to everyone's problems. "Get over it" "move on already" etc. and personal attacks are counterproductive. See, in some circles, that can be called denial. (and before anyone jumps the gun and thinks I am throwing any accusations to any one member, please note that I am speaking in generalities here). We all come here with our own experiences. And our own ways of dealing with said experiences.

 

One poster asked if he had ever had to deal with some of life's more serious blows. I ask, have you ever had to look your 16 year old daughter in the face knowing that the man you married, had said child with, gave your life, love, all to for 17 years, had been molesting her since the age of 3 and raping her since the age of 12 and you had no f*cking idea? That the one thing you swore to protect with your life was being put through the most vile/evil thing a child can face? Under your own roof. The place that you spent your life making into a home and a safe place? THAT is a bitter pill to swallow. And you wouldn't believe the times I have heard from people "move on" "it's over" "he's in prison now so get on with your life" etc. Seriously? It's been 7 months. And this is something that will be with me for the rest of my life. There are events in your life, and certain people, that never leave your head. So yes, sometimes I do go into my head and relive those days of my 'lost love', because that is something that I never thought I would ever get over. But I did, and it lets me know that I am strong, and can deal with the things that I never thought I could. Granted, this pales in comparison to that, but as my best friend of the last 40 years said to me "After ***, you were a mess. No one thought you would survive it. You did. You will survive this too". (I wish everyone could have a friend like do. She is my world and my rock .) I am bi-polar, so there are underlying issues that I am dealing with on top of the present he11.

 

I'll bet you $100 that within two years I will be at least living with the woman I'm writing about here.

Mrlonely, even if you are not, in 25 years you will look back at this woman, no matter where you are, who you are with in your life, and smile. And that is OK. It doesn't mean you won't love your life. Or that you didn't move on, get over it, etc.

 

Same with Grampi. No where have I read (in this present thread) that he is thinking of, or is sabotaging his present marriage. He asked a simple question - has anyone else experienced holding onto the memory of a past love for a number of years. Obviously, a few of us have. That is/was the purpose of this thread.

 

This says it so eloquently:

when you really love someone if it's really unconditional that means you can let them go and still love them

Peace.

[Art_Critic]

Denial is a tricky beast.. it tells us that everything is okay, that it is okay to continue on the path you are now and it makes excuses for us to not change, not see the denial.

[aerogurl87]

If the only point of view you want to hear is your own, then you should put that in your original post.

 

He did put that in his original post or I was reading wrong when he asked if anyone was going or had went through anything similar.

[comethemorning]

He did put that in his original post or I was reading wrong when he asked if anyone was going or had went through anything similar.

+1000

[Dmoney28]

I came across your post..and wow, 30 years is a long time. Its only been 2 years for me...i cant imagine being as unhappy as i am now...for another 28. I will not throw another judgemental comment at you, as i cant imagine how you delt..or coped with it. Its funny how people throw this word LOVE around easily. They say "you'll fall in love with someone else and get married and move on"..is this really "LOVE" or simply tolerating your current situation with your new spouse or GF? How many people out there are simply in a marriage because that person was a second choice? Loving someone and being in love are 2 diffrent things.....when a person still feels that deep genuine love after years and years of trials and tribulation...is that true love?...or is simply co-existing with another person..pro-creating with that person..and eventually getting to that point of tolerating that person..true love?

 

I just think its sad that a person has to live this "lie" or have to project this image of im happy with this person....when all the mean time, they still crave that connection with another.

 

So to all those saying(me included) .."get over it, move on and find someone else"..is this because you are 1. still looking for that one..and holding out for them as you slowly age.....or 2. simply settled with this other person, for fear of being alone..and labled "strange" by society for being still single? or 3. lieing to yourself that your happy..and forcing yourself to be happy

i ask this question to myself quite often...i have dated...had a another Girlfriend..and "slept around" with a couple of friends with benefits. and i am comming to the realization that my loss unique love..feelings..and memories will something i have to just deal with and carry with me. Its just depressing that these feelings linger on and on for so long. And grampi..i believe that true love is something that cant simply be replaced with another..if so there wouldnt be 1000's of sites like this as well as dating and relationship sites. My heart goes out to you Grampi. You may just have to tolerate your situation...you are married so i guess you just have to ride that out.

[Graceful]

He did put that in his original post or I was reading wrong when he asked if anyone was going or had went through anything similar.

 

He may have done that, granted. And I said I had in the past, although not for as many years, as I am not as old as the OP. I handled it differently, and made it clear that we are different people. Similar experience, different response and different outcome. I mentioned it b/c he seemed to be very defensive about another post, and attacked the poster. Not that she can't handle that herself.

 

He said on one hand, he couldn't care less about harsh responses. Despite that, he discounts those responses. They are different points of view, IMHO, that is all.

 

Insofar as comparing who has had what happen to whom and so forth, I raised questions. Just for perspective. We are all strangers here, there is no telling where we draw inspiration from, or what can help (or not) in any given situation. I don't know about you, I do find it humbling when I hear about, or know someone, or have helped someone who is really having a serious problem. I learn, and it helps put my own situation in perspective. This man is not a kid, I guess it is harder to imagine someone really holding on for 30 years and not ask questions, especially since he has had other flirtations. If I tried to imagine my father like that, I would not be able to, my parents were rock solid. My father suffered a horrible tragedy before he came to the United States, and his romance with my mother was poignant and amazing. Very different lives, no doubt about it. My bad.

 

I couldn't agree more that we accumulate a history and we're going to take our feelings, memories, and life experiences with us. Some things you never get over, I get that very clearly. But it is still more the idea of what we do with our history, how we carry it along with us, how we reflect on it. That includes feelings. Just my opinion, okay.

 

There will always be threads that hit a raw nerve for many, no matter what the intention of the OP.

 

Peace / out.

[Graceful]

comethemorning,

I am sorry for your sorrow and pain. I read a post where you had a link to your story one day not too long ago, and no, I have not had an experience like that in my life. It was shocking. I am sure you would love to be able to move on, but people telling you that must be very disheartening. I have a friend whose father died (57 years old), her parents were very close and happily married, and yet, 6 months after her father died, some of her mother's friends were asking her if she was ready to start dating. Yes, 6 months later. I can't imagine how you must feel when people think you can "move on" either, after what you have endured with your children.

 

I wish you strength in your journey to heal. You are lucky to have a friend that offers you so much support. Take care.

[comethemorning]

Graceful, thank you so much for your kind words. One thing I have learned, and am passing on to my children, is that this is a process. And it is a process that requires outside help. As much as I would like to take my kids and just run away from the whole thing and forget it never happened, fact is, it did. And we have decided as our now 'family of 3' to face this thing head on and do whatever it takes, for however long it takes, to heal. My family history is of the "get over it - it is done" type of coping. The cycle of denial ends now. My daughter is going to heal, not just exist.

 

As a funny anecdote of long married couples and death (if there is such a thing - but this one really did make my friends and I laugh)...

 

My very best male friend lost his dad this past November. While at the burial site, he comes over to us and says "see that guy over there with my mom?" Turns out 'that guy' was her boyfriend BEFORE her husband, and in the week since *****'s passing, had encompassed himself into every aspect of the widows life. Even so far as to tell my friend (who is 41 by the way) that he had to come over the following weekend to help 'clean up the backyard'. Um, yeah. Needless to say, all my friend could say, "Is this my mom's new boyfriend?!?" We all laughed, but it did seem rather uncouth at the time... (no, I don't know if he is still around - some things are just too soon to bring up :/) Maybe it is an Italian thing - I don't know?!?

 

Only the person suffering can know when it is right for them, and then only if they have been completely honest with themselves and worked through their issues. I for one will not be ready for quite some time. But in the case of my marriage, it is not the loss of what I lost, it is loss of the life I thought I was living. I now have to rewrite 17 years of my history to reflect the actual reality as opposed to reality I thought it was. For me personally, that is the hardest part {of course, aside from the all encompassing guilt}. Holding on to a past love, as I have said earlier, provides for me, a distraction. And it makes me smile when just about every other waking moment, I want to either scream or weep uncontrollably. Small consolation, but then again, I am taking baby steps

[FreeToBe]

Grampi,

 

I fear that I too will forever hold onto the one I love (if only in my mind).

 

We broke up over a year ago and have had zero contact. I think of her everyday (though there isn't so much pain associated with it). I know I love her. I'd like to think I know she loves me too... Perhaps that is enough.

 

However, I can rationalize that no matter how much I love her, it simply was not a good thing. I think it is possible to love someone too much, and then it becomes very much like addiction. I was not in a good state of mind when I met her, nor was she.

 

I get the feeling you are trying to stop loving her all this time... Why bother? You can always love her (nothing she can do can stop that). Accept that you probably will always love her, and be at peace with it. Loving someone doesn't mean you have to be with them, see them, or touch them.

 

Love is intangible. You cannot hold love, see love, nor can you make it materialize... it just is.

 

We try so hard to place our love upon one person, thing, or idea. Love is a boundless emotion that is limitless. It can be shared and distributed in many places. This is what love is supposed to be - ever expansive. Once you give real love to someone, you cannot and should not want to take it back.

 

Peace.

[grampi]

Grampi,

 

I fear that I too will forever hold onto the one I love (if only in my mind).

 

We broke up over a year ago and have had zero contact. I think of her everyday (though there isn't so much pain associated with it). I know I love her. I'd like to think I know she loves me too... Perhaps that is enough.

 

However, I can rationalize that no matter how much I love her, it simply was not a good thing. I think it is possible to love someone too much, and then it becomes very much like addiction. I was not in a good state of mind when I met her, nor was she.

 

I get the feeling you are trying to stop loving her all this time... Why bother? You can always love her (nothing she can do can stop that). Accept that you probably will always love her, and be at peace with it. Loving someone doesn't mean you have to be with them, see them, or touch them.

 

Love is intangible. You cannot hold love, see love, nor can you make it materialize... it just is.

 

We try so hard to place our love upon one person, thing, or idea. Love is a boundless emotion that is limitless. It can be shared and distributed in many places. This is what love is supposed to be - ever expansive. Once you give real love to someone, you cannot and should not want to take it back.

 

Peace.

 

Nice post, and I agree with every part of it. I think the reason this doesn't make me absolutely miserable, even knowing it's quite possible this may be something I take to my grave, are the facts that I'm completely happy with my wife, my family, and how my life has turned out, as far as I know my ex is happy with her life, and the fact that the time my ex and I shared together was a wonderful time of my life.

 

And to those implying that I "settled," or I'm nothing more than coexisting with my wife because I still have feelings for my ex, you're too full of yourself. I'm not some kid fresh out of high school and I think I know what being in love is.

[cmoney]

I didn't read everyone's response so forgive me if this is a repost of earlier provided info. I would conted that the reason that you still think about her is that I do not believe that you ever got the closure that you need. I believe that there are a few questions that you would like answered. That's it. I to think about the first girl I was ever in love with from time to time. She left me to go back to her ex but she insisted on being friends with me. I resisted (quite forcefully) because I believed she was just trying to ease her conscious. When I look back on the situation, she was never "mine" to begin with. Anyhow, she married a guy that I was acquinted with (not the guy she left me for). They are now divorced. I sometimes wonder if she is still single.

[grampi]

I didn't read everyone's response so forgive me if this is a repost of earlier provided info. I would conted that the reason that you still think about her is that I do not believe that you ever got the closure that you need. I believe that there are a few questions that you would like answered. That's it. I to think about the first girl I was ever in love with from time to time. She left me to go back to her ex but she insisted on being friends with me. I resisted (quite forcefully) because I believed she was just trying to ease her conscious. When I look back on the situation, she was never "mine" to begin with. Anyhow, she married a guy that I was acquinted with (not the guy she left me for). They are now divorced. I sometimes wonder if she is still single.

 

Yes, not having closure may be why I can't let go, and the worst part of that is I may never be able to get closure. I would never even consider trying to contact my ex, and even if I happened to have a chance encounter with her somewhere out in public, I can't think of any way possible of bringing this up without it sounding completely awkward and inappropriate. The only possible way I could ever see me finding out why she ended our relationship is if I were to somehow come in contact with a gal who was a very good friend of hers at the time, and I have no idea of her whereabouts these days.

[PiningForBMJ]

Still in love....

I dated a girl for 2 years. We broke up in 1995. It was my fault. I begged her to come back. Of course she didn't.. We were from a small town in NC.. Last I heard she had moved to NYC.. I've been searching for her since the internet was available... Finally found an address.. Have a letter written but I am afraid to send it.

I fear that my search has become an obsession and I know that although she was as perfect as I could ever ask , I know that she can never live up the false standard that I have created in my mind of her.

I was so insecure when we dated and I know that was frustrating to her.

I have spent the last 15 years working on this.

Anyway I found your post through a google search and just wanted to reach out..

Now I know that I am not alone..

[willpower]

Here's the thing. You can get over it as long as you can replace it.

 

So what do you do if your sat down with the next girl and they simply are not up to the love your stuck on. It used to scare me sometimes how my ex would say things I was thinking. If you've found "the package" as far as your concerned it's very hard to replace. Going out and meeting girls was easy to get a kick from before my ex, as none really ticked all of the boxes so the stakes were low. I found my 10, she loved me with such devotion that it scares me. How do you get over this? Easiest way is to replace her, but when youve gone through a bunch and can't find anyone close that's very tough.

 

I do believe some ppl are wired up to struggle to get over things. My Freind goes from ltr to ltr, quality of girl varies massively but he's equally in love with the next as much as the last. Not realistic for me.

 

Grampi, I think I'll be you one day. Don't think ill last till then with this feeling tho tbh, too painful. I'm gonna bed everything I can for a few years and hopefully I'll either realise she wasn't all that or harden off and learn not to give a damn about anyone else I'm not sure I can face more days like this. Horrible pain. Massive respect for you.

[florence of suburbia]

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Edited February 9, 2011 by florence of suburbia