Stella Blue Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 Hi there, I am having a lot of difficulty sorting out some feelings and hope I can get some helpful feedback. I was with my ex boyfriend for a year when I found him cheating with his ex-girlfriend. This was this past August and things are still dragging along. We aren't "together" because he has an abusive attachment to this other woman, and she dumps him every other week then goes back to get him. I ended things then, but he would slowly creep back into my life (via e-mails, phone calls, gifts at the door). After the initial depression and sadness waned away, I felt I could speak to him from time to time and be friendly. My hard feelings and vanished because he finally was upfront with me about everything and very truthful. Although I was disgusted with his behavior, a part of me understands why he did what he did, knowing the history and all that. That didn't make it OK, but I did understand. So over the past few months we have remained on good terms, we spend some time together and are intimate sometimes too. I have left the topic of "what are we?" alone because I know he is struggling trying to end the relationship with the other woman. In the earliest part of him contacting me, I said I couldn't speak with him unless the other woman was out of the picture. I don't believe they are in a full-blown relationship but I'm certain he still has something going on with her. Everyone I know tells me to RUN as far as possible from this man, which of course is what my brain tells me to do. My heart is a different story however. We do have this connection of understanding, but today I went to see him and asked that over the weekend he think about what he wants from "us." I told him that I loved him but can't play the game of "ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies" that we're playing. I know he loves me but he hasn't been able to give me 100% anymore because of the tenacity of the relationship. For example, when I went to his house today, we had to meet outside because his daughter was home sick with him. Less than 6 months ago I was welcomed by his daughter with hugs and kisses and now I can't go inside the house because he doesn't want her to see me. Believe me when I say that I know the obvious answer is to walk away. I just cannot give up hope though, because I love him from the very core of myself. When I asked him to let me go he wouldn't. I think he likes the convenience of having me around, and the security of it, but can't seem to dedicate himself to a decision. Honestly if he told me he couldn't be with me anymore, period....I would accept that and never contact him again. He keeps stringing me along though. Sorry for the length of this and I thank you all in advance for your advice Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 Believe me when I say that I know the obvious answer is to walk away. I just cannot give up hope though, because I love him from the very core of myself. I once had a long chat with a fellow about love and all that. He told me that when he fell for someone and was pondering where the relationship should lead, he would ask himself whether the person he was 'in love' with was good for him. We can love, and fall in love with, people who do not uplift us or make us better. We can (and do) fall for people who diminish us and ruin us as people. And, really, that's not love, now, is it? It looks like you'll be mommy to this guy forever; dealing with his whims and waiting for him to decide what he's doing. Is this any sort of life? Think real hard about this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stella Blue Posted March 19, 2004 Author Share Posted March 19, 2004 moimeme - You hit the nail on the head. I know he isn't good for me, and I know that if he doesn't make the commitment I will be forever playing Mommy to his whims. I honestly thought I could remain friends but we still are attracted to one another which leads to activities that "just friends" don't do. I am 33 years old and know better. Was it alright to ask him to think about our relationship over the weekend and to contact me when he's ready to discuss it? We dance such a dance around actually communicating honestly about this stuff. I'm ready to stop playing dumb and hear the truth, whatever it may be. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 And you think you'll hear the truth? I suspect it'll be more of the same. You're addicted. You can't be friends. Unfortunately, you'll have to cut him off completely. You can perhaps be friends again after some time has passed and either or both of you have moved on. Remember 'the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour'. It doesn't mean that people can't change, and they do, but problems like his tend to be pretty firmly entrenched. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stella Blue Posted March 19, 2004 Author Share Posted March 19, 2004 You are right about the addiction. I go through the same cycle repeatedly: break it off, cry, start to feel better and move on with my life, hear from him, start seeing him again, on a rush and Cloud 9, start feeling anxious and scared and sad, giving the ultimatum, breaking it off, and repeat cycle. I tend to get involved with men that break it off and come crying back at some point. Every guy that has broken up with me resurfaces and cries "I'm sorry, I made a mistake, you're the best thing that ever happened to me". I usually, at that point, am no longer interested. Funny how I keep taking "S" back, but we're never really "together". I've read posts on here where women go through this for YEARS and I don't want to end up like that!! I'm in my prime here and can't waste anymore time but why is this one so hard to give up? Link to post Share on other sites
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