Truelybeliever Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 We both divoriced and we've known each other for over six months through a mutual friend. We have kept a loosing relationship. He almost never initiated the contact, but he seems very happy every time I contacted to him. We've always talked over the phone for long hours when we do talk. We go to the same church and he always waits for me after church, so we walk to the parking lot together. Every time I invited him over with other friends for dinner in my place, he always come over and he also attended my daughter's birthday party. I feel like there are something between us. What confused me is that he doesn't really initiate anything. When I sent him email, he always replay. But he only initiated the emails for a few times. He sent me some of his drawings a few days ago that was very dark. I sent him email and told him that I have a little concern about him because he didn't seem happy through his drawing, he hasn't replied my email since then. I am not sure if what I said crossed the line that made him uncomfortable. I think I like a lot of things about him, but I don't want to ruin the relationship we are having now by pushing it to the next level. I want to know how he feels about me and what kind of relationship I should keep with him. Advice? Link to post Share on other sites
Karma20 Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 Honestly, if I was you I would just let it be and let him contact you. If he's interested he'll initiate contact. Unless you're comfortable coming out and asking him how he feels, you don't really want to keep this going being one sided with you doing all the work. Link to post Share on other sites
Goodstuff Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 If he doesnt initiate things, when u get into a relationship with him, u will be unhappy because of the fact that he isn't "maning" up to what he wants. Look elsewhere... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Truelybeliever Posted January 11, 2011 Author Share Posted January 11, 2011 Honestly, if I was you I would just let it be and let him contact you. If he's interested he'll initiate contact. Unless you're comfortable coming out and asking him how he feels, you don't really want to keep this going being one sided with you doing all the work. It is true that it's unfair for me to do all the work. I should just let it be for a while and maybe even pull back a little to see how he does. My only concern is I would loose the opportunity and kill the potential with him by sitting there and doing nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Truelybeliever Posted January 18, 2011 Author Share Posted January 18, 2011 Any more comments/suggestions? Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 (edited) After this time, if he doesn't initiate meeting you then there is something wrong. Either he isn't attracted to you, he's gay or he has some mental problem that means he daren't take it further. I would leave him alone. He sent you some dark emails. It's true he may be depressed or something but if he starts out with dark emails where will he go next? I suffer depression myself and have every sympathy with people who do, but that's not the way to start a relationship with someone. If he doesn't appreciate that then you're better off without him. I think you need to boost your own confidence socially and perhaps confidence in getting to know the opposite sex. Just chatting with the people you meet incidentally can be fun and you will gain confidence as they respond positively. See if there are any groups locally that help to boost confidence. Maybe your local health authority or social services has such groups. I'm not suggesting you have problems with this, but when you are in a negative situation like this where the guy you've shown interest in isn't responding properly, it's easy to become dispirited and to feel unattractive and unwanted. If this is the case, then you are in a mental trap where you are getting a false impression of yourself. There are lots of interesting guys out there just waiting to meet a lovely lady like you. You don't need to get involved with someone who is barely showing interest and then, when he does, he piles gloom on you. One thing that strikes me is that this is all about him. You are thinking about his feelings, caring and wanting to help him, but is he thinking about yours? Does he show any signs of empathy with you? Your feelings matter too. You need to filter out the guys who only think of themselves. Actually, you can learn a lot from these forums and from just spending time with guy friends who actually care about you. As long as they aren't already attached, you can learn from each other about dating and just generally being great friends. I've learned the hard way that guys who never seem to make a move have some sort of problem or aren't interested. Just leave them be. Edited January 19, 2011 by spiderowl Link to post Share on other sites
Author Truelybeliever Posted January 19, 2011 Author Share Posted January 19, 2011 What you have said made perfectly sense. I should just move one. However, I am still keeping my door open for this portential. I am not trying to make excuse for him (I DO know most women tend to believe the positive side and always try to make excuse for guy's weired behaviors), but I think I understand why he wouldn't make the efforts and the moves. We both just divorced. I am not even sure if I am ready for the new relationship. I am kind of taking it slow. He lost his job and he is trying to look for a new job. I think this is the main priority in his life now. I am sure he knows how I feel and he just doesn't know where to go even if he makes the efforts. I would be surprised if one day I find out he is not interested in me at all because all the time we spend together or talk to each other showed me something more than friendship is there. However, I got this mixed signals from him. When we are together or talk over the phone, I feel so close to him. When we are not together, he doesn't really call and his emails are cold and distant. What I am trying to do now is to do what he is doing--Maintain the connection and do not initiate too much contact. It is not easy though!! Have you ever experienced this kind of situation? How do you manage it? Link to post Share on other sites
Alissa84 Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 Spiderowl, you give such great advice! I should start taking it. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 (edited) Well, thanks Alissa! That's a great compliment. I hope it helps someone as usually it is born from painful experience. There was a guy I was interested in who rarely seemed to initiate anything or contact me and when he did, he seemed to just do it in short bursts. It took me ages to realise he wasn't interested and I was just hoping, wishing and making lots of excuses for him. It was a slow, painful process, utterly demoralising. OP, the suggestion I would make is that you drop contact with him and let him wonder where you are and what you are doing. At the moment you are doing all the work and he doesn't have to show interest, pursue you or make an effort for you. I really don't think guys value what they are offered. They don't notice what is always there right before their eyes; like all hunters, they are primed to notice only an occasional sighting, unpredictable and tantalisingly just out of reach. I would leave him out of contact until he's working to gain your attention. He's not going to appreciate you unless he has to work at it. He won't value you unless you make it clear you're a prize he can't take for granted. I'm sure you are too. It's demoralising when someone isn't responding enthusiastically. Please forget him and instead show interest in someone who is enthusiastic about you. It will be a lot more fun! One thing to think about, how is this guy making you feel, deep down, at the moment? Happy, joyful, sad, anxious? If he's not making you feel good about yourself, think again about what he really has to offer you. Edited January 20, 2011 by spiderowl Link to post Share on other sites
Author Truelybeliever Posted January 20, 2011 Author Share Posted January 20, 2011 Didn't I tell you how great your mind works? If I haven't done so, I am telling now. You are very wise and clear minded. I do agree with you that I should stop making efforts. Just wait and see what he will do. Even I don't initiate any contact, I will still see him on weekly basis since we are going to the same church. I know when we see each other, we will talk to each other a lot. Should I keep talking to him in the same way as before or just briefly say hi? To answer your question about how he makes me feel, honestly, I feel really good when I am around him or talking to him. He is a good listener and very patient. He always listens to what I said very carefully and supports my ideas. He also compliments me a lot and he seems likes my personality. The only thing that makes me wondering is that he doesn't initiate much. Well, thanks Alissa! That's a great compliment. I hope it helps someone as usually it is born from painful experience. There was a guy I was interested in who rarely seemed to initiate anything or contact me and when he did, he seemed to just do it in short bursts. It took me ages to realise he wasn't interested and I was just hoping, wishing and making lots of excuses for him. It was a slow, painful process, utterly demoralising. OP, the suggestion I would make is that you drop contact with him and let him wonder where you are and what you are doing. At the moment you are doing all the work and he doesn't have to show interest, pursue you or make an effort for you. I really don't think guys value what they are offered. They don't notice what is always there right before their eyes; like all hunters, they are primed to notice only an occasional sighting, unpredictable and tantalisingly just out of reach. I would leave him out of contact until he's working to gain your attention. He's not going to appreciate you unless he has to work at it. He won't value you unless you make it clear you're a prize he can't take for granted. I'm sure you are too. It's demoralising when someone isn't responding enthusiastically. Please forget him and instead show interest in someone who is enthusiastic about you. It will be a lot more fun! One thing to think about, how is this guy making you feel, deep down, at the moment? Happy, joyful, sad, anxious? If he's not making you feel good about yourself, think again about what he really has to offer you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Truelybeliever Posted January 21, 2011 Author Share Posted January 21, 2011 Is there any male friends here can give me some advise? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Truelybeliever Posted January 24, 2011 Author Share Posted January 24, 2011 I don't see any more comments about my story. I am just wondering if there are guys out there just very shy and don't know how to initiate contact. It doesn't mean they are not interested in the woman. They just don't know how to start a conversation. Or they might have very low person skills. Normally, when my other friends call me would ask how are things going? How's your kids doing or how's your parents doing, etc. But this one doesn't know how to ask this kind of questions. I gave him gift. When he email me, he said he used the gift, but he didn't say something like:" thank you for the gift, I really like it, etc. " If we look at this in a bad way, we would think that the guy doesn't know how to appreciate woman. However, the good thing about this kind of guy is you never need to worry he is going to chase other woman behind your back. Am I right? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Truelybeliever Posted February 7, 2011 Author Share Posted February 7, 2011 He did a very nice drawing for me and my kids as holiday greeting, which is very thoughtful and sweet. We talked on the phone for a long time the other day. I have to say that we always have great conversation. During the phone call, he made a comments: "You are a really good friend. I am so happy to have a friend like you." Does it mean he only regard me as friend? nothing else? no potential? Or he is testing me? Link to post Share on other sites
CoralRain Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 He may or may not like you, but he doesn't have a job and probably isn't in a position to pursue a relationship right now. Link to post Share on other sites
frenchangel Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 Him being depressed tells me a couple of things, either he is still struggling with the whole divorce and failure even if he was the one that wanted it. Or he may have gone through the divorce but regrets divorcing her. Just be careful you are not the rebound relationship. Other reason could be he is shy and will always require you being the one doing the talking. Are you willing to accept that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Truelybeliever Posted February 19, 2011 Author Share Posted February 19, 2011 He may or may not like you, but he doesn't have a job and probably isn't in a position to pursue a relationship right now. I think you are right that he is not in the place to pursue a relationship while he doesn't have a job. In all honesty, I was told that I am not ready for a relationship either. I still feel pain from the divorce. I should focus more on my recovery. Link to post Share on other sites
mick123 Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 Honestly, if I were you I might be just and will contact you. If he is interested he will initiate contact. Unless you come out and ask him how he feels are comfortable, you really make it all work with you to keep going is being intended. Link to post Share on other sites
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