18 Years and I think its over!

[HurtingHusband74]

This is my first post I have been reading posts for about 2 months now. Please bear with me and I am so lost and confused right now.

 

Back during the first week of Nov. my wife tells me we need to talk. She said she didn't love me anymore and was unhappy almost 18 years of marraige. She wanted to go to counseling, so we set that up and went to 3 sessions then she said it wasn't doing any good. She didn't like the couseler. So this was around the 2nd week of Dec. Since then she has been very cold and distant. She will not talk about the problem at all. I have said I am willing to do anything to fix us.

 

When this all started this what she told me. She said my problem was that I got an attitude when I didn't get sex. I admit I did get upset and would leave the room. However that is an easy fix. I told her if she would have told me before that this was causing her some issues I would have fixed my attitude. So I have been to counseling by myself now and I am taking meds. I have learned to control my attitude. I never did yell or hit, but I just got moodly I guess you could say.

 

I feel like she is having an EA. I just found out that she has been talking to an old boy friend from high school. Just yesterday alone they texted each other over 200 times. Also they found out the talk on the phone every couple of days for atleast 2 hours. He live in a different state so I know it hasn't turned into a PA yet.

 

How should I approach this with her today? I just don't want to go in and thrown down the phone bill details say what is this? I need to know how to tactfully approach this.

 

I want to stop it before it turns into a PA. I love my wife and kids so much and don't want to lose them. I know if I am ever going to have a chance I need her to quiet the EA.

 

I am just going crazy as I have never been alone. We have been together for over 20 years. We have 2 boys and I don't want to lose my family.

 

Sorry I just had to get this off my chest. I have no one to talk too and I don't want my family to know about this yet.

 

I know this probably is all over the place but I just can't think straight right now.

[You Go Girl]

No partner ever has the right to throw some hissy fit sense of entitlement to sex. Where did you ever get that idea? She's not your ho'.

 

That said, she's now destroying the relationship herself.

 

Yes, throw the phone bill down. You don't have to throw it, how about gently set it down in front of her. Tell her you know what's going on, and that it must stop immediately, and that counseling is required, and not an option.

She's probably emotionally way in over her head and this sudden transparency of what she is doing is not going to go over well. She may even say she wants a divorce.

Be ready for that.

 

Now this is the part, as a woman, I am going to disagree with other men's posts before they even post them.

Do not start a divorce yourself. Do not show a machismo ego problem. Do not threaten.

After you tell her the above, that it must end with the EA, then tell her that you realize that you have made mistakes, but that she is making an even bigger one right now with this guy, and that it could destroy your love. Kiss her forhead--

THEN LEAVE THE ROOM.

 

Say nothing else until she wants to discuss it, or significant time has gone by with new developments.

 

Do stop pretending that you don't know what's going on. Everyday that passes you lose ground.

[whichwayisup]

I feel like she is having an EA. I just found out that she has been talking to an old boy friend from high school. Just yesterday alone they texted each other over 200 times. Also they found out the talk on the phone every couple of days for atleast 2 hours. He live in a different state so I know it hasn't turned into a PA yet.

 

Listen to your gut. Hello, 200 texts? Something is up, so confront her about this now. She is putting energy into a friendship with a guy from her past, not good. Doesn't matter that he lives far away, fact is, it's wrong and she knows it too. Does she hide her phone from you? Leave the room when she's on the phone with him?

 

The timing of their friendship, vs when she started feeling less lovey with you .. Close timing?

 

Find another marriage counsellor to help, one that you both can be happy with and feel comfortable.

 

She is putting this on you, your behaviour about sex .. ALmost like she is justifying what she is doing.

[robf1971]

This is my first post I have been reading posts for about 2 months now. Please bear with me and I am so lost and confused right now.

 

Back during the first week of Nov. my wife tells me we need to talk. She said she didn't love me anymore and was unhappy almost 18 years of marraige. She wanted to go to counseling, so we set that up and went to 3 sessions then she said it wasn't doing any good. She didn't like the couseler. So this was around the 2nd week of Dec. Since then she has been very cold and distant. She will not talk about the problem at all. I have said I am willing to do anything to fix us.

 

When this all started this what she told me. She said my problem was that I got an attitude when I didn't get sex. I admit I did get upset and would leave the room. However that is an easy fix. I told her if she would have told me before that this was causing her some issues I would have fixed my attitude. So I have been to counseling by myself now and I am taking meds. I have learned to control my attitude. I never did yell or hit, but I just got moodly I guess you could say.

 

I feel like she is having an EA. I just found out that she has been talking to an old boy friend from high school. Just yesterday alone they texted each other over 200 times. Also they found out the talk on the phone every couple of days for atleast 2 hours. He live in a different state so I know it hasn't turned into a PA yet.

 

How should I approach this with her today? I just don't want to go in and thrown down the phone bill details say what is this? I need to know how to tactfully approach this.

 

I want to stop it before it turns into a PA. I love my wife and kids so much and don't want to lose them. I know if I am ever going to have a chance I need her to quiet the EA.

 

I am just going crazy as I have never been alone. We have been together for over 20 years. We have 2 boys and I don't want to lose my family.

 

Sorry I just had to get this off my chest. I have no one to talk too and I don't want my family to know about this yet.

 

I know this probably is all over the place but I just can't think straight right now.

 

Only one way to deal with this, I know you are running on emotions but we have all been there.

 

You must be cool and calm, not let anger get the better of you.

 

"Wife I know all about you and xyz"

 

(Do not reveal your sources)

 

Be warned, she will deny, deny, deny, expect the "we're just friends" excuse. Trust me an EA is as bad as if not worse than a PA but she will try and justify it and start blaming you etc. eg I've never loved you. Expect anger, you've busted her and the secret is out.

 

Then

 

Wife " I will not live in an open marriage I want us to work on the marriage but if you do not cut off all contact immediately with XYZ and commit to a full transparency plan with marriage counselling then I will help you pack your bags to move out" Then silence.

 

Take nothing less than a yes from her, Needing more time, asking for closure etc is all BS, she is addicted to the thrill of an affair. Anything less than a yes tell her "You will move out of the master bedroom, I'll give you a couple of weeks to find a place, and will even help you pack your bags.

 

Then walk away..

[HurtingHusband74]

Yes I have realized my mistakes, I know I was wrong and I have told her that many times. Like I said I have been going to IC since the middle of Nov. I have learned to control myself.

 

I told her I feel like I wasn't given a chance. It seems like once this all started she just shut down.

 

I think this has been brewing for about 9 months. I strated to feel and see changes after we moved. She had to quiet her job and move away for her friends. We had lived there for 15 years. So I know moving was a huge part of this.

 

This guy that she has been talking to had been sending her message last year asking her to go on a cruise with him. She told me about it then and she told him that her husband would like that. She was ignoing him until this all came out.

 

I am not sure what they talk about or txt about now. I can't get that info. I guess I will just have to talk to her about it tonight.

 

I am just not feeling well today, this is tearing me apart.

 

I just don't understand how she can throw away 18 years. I have given her and the boys everything. We have a good life together. I have provided everything for my family.

[robf1971]

Do not start a divorce yourself. Do not show a machismo ego problem. Do not threaten.

.

 

I agree with you, threatening is wrong but he has to gain her respect back. she is walking all over him. For him to state that he won't live in an open marriage is I think everyone will agree is a healthy boundary. Crossing a Boundary has to have consequences, if my child does something bad and I just tell him he's naughty, that won't stop his bad behaviour will it?

 

If I take my child's playstation away, now that's a consequence that will enforce the boundary. Why do we expect less of our loved ones that are adults? Wife " I won't live in an open marriage, cut off all contact or pack your bags" is perfectly fair. anything less ans she will keep playing this man for a fool.

[HurtingHusband74]

Listen to your gut. Hello, 200 texts? Something is up, so confront her about this now. She is putting energy into a friendship with a guy from her past, not good. Doesn't matter that he lives far away, fact is, it's wrong and she knows it too. Does she hide her phone from you? Leave the room when she's on the phone with him?

 

The timing of their friendship, vs when she started feeling less lovey with you .. Close timing?

 

Find another marriage counsellor to help, one that you both can be happy with and feel comfortable.

 

She is putting this on you, your behaviour about sex .. ALmost like she is justifying what she is doing.

 

She doesn't hide her phone, but it never leaves her side and it is locked. She does hang out in the back bedroom alot with her phone and laptop. She says she is talking to her mom, who is also going through a divorce. She stays up way late and was coming to bed around 1 or 2 am.

 

I stated to feel this was strange becuase she started locking the door when she was in there. She has never locked the door when she was talking to her mom.

 

She has stayed in the back bedroom a couple of nights. She says she feel asleep while on the computer.

 

I am just at my wits end. I am so confused and hut. I want her back. I have been telling her every day that we can make this work. I will do whatever it takes. I told her she just needs to open up and talk to me.

Then we can get to the root of the problem and fix things.

 

I guess tonight will be hard when I confront her with this. I expect she will ask me to leave or she will leave and go to her moms.

[HurtingHusband74]

I need to find out one way or the other what is going to happen. I don't want to feel like a used door mat any longer. I just really don't want to lose her. If it comes to that I will have to deal with it somehow.

[You Go Girl]

I need to find out one way or the other what is going to happen. I don't want to feel like a used door mat any longer. I just really don't want to lose her. If it comes to that I will have to deal with it somehow.

 

Tell her the above.

 

I don't see another choice to confronting her, and asap. You ready? My sympathies.

 

Women don't understand why they weren't heard for a long time, yet men believe they are in the right to put their foot down immediately.

 

It took two to get to where your marriage is at now. "affair proof" was not the case.

 

That said, she's emotionally connected to him now, even if it later proves to be a complete disaster for her, and she's not going to give him up in one second's time. First it is going to have to sink in that you realize what is going on. Then she has to process the idea of stopping the EA. Then she has to believe that it is the best thing for herself. Then she has to believe that the two of you can make things much better than the last whatever time period of complacency. Then she has to believe that the OM isn't good for her. A lot of things have to happen in her head for this to be fixed.

[robf1971]

. I want her back. I have been telling her every day that we can make this work. .

 

Stop this, damn it, you are coming across as week and needy. It ain't attractive, you're wife is probably having a chuckle about it with OM. Man up!!!! your kids are watching how you handle this

[You Go Girl]

I agree with you, threatening is wrong but he has to gain her respect back. she is walking all over him. For him to state that he won't live in an open marriage is I think everyone will agree is a healthy boundary. Crossing a Boundary has to have consequences, if my child does something bad and I just tell him he's naughty, that won't stop his bad behaviour will it?

 

If I take my child's playstation away, now that's a consequence that will enforce the boundary. Why do we expect less of our loved ones that are adults? Wife " I won't live in an open marriage, cut off all contact or pack your bags" is perfectly fair. anything less ans she will keep playing this man for a fool.

 

Yeah, I know. I'm just trying to make sure that he doesn't harden her heart immediately by his approach.

Men don't realize a hard approach will push away their woman if she's fence sitting.

[robf1971]

I expect she will ask me to leave .

 

For g-d's sake do not do this, She is the one having an affair why should you leave. Be warned leaving can be seen as abandonment when it comes to court. Being weak will not win her back, be strong without being a jerk will at least gain her respect. You are fighting for your family..

 

Take care of yourself, eat properly, excercise, hell get a punchbag in your garage to use up your anger

[robf1971]

Yeah, I know. I'm just trying to make sure that he doesn't harden her heart immediately by his approach.

Men don't realize a hard approach will push away their woman if she's fence sitting.

 

Hmm fence sitting or cake eating?

[whichwayisup]

Make it clear to her she cannot have it both ways. She can't have a guy on the side. Ask her how SHE would feel if you were doing what she IS doing, with another woman? Talking and texing, sneaking off, keeping your phone locked, going into the other room and shutting the door.

 

Tell her you love her and to married to her, but she needs to end the friendship with this guy.

[You Go Girl]

Hmm fence sitting or cake eating?

 

Like I said, the marriage wasn't affair proof, and so cake eating really only applies to serial cheaters, as in, cake eaters are a personality type, not a situation.

 

I'm calling it fence sitting because I don't think she knows which way is up currently.

 

Blindly we answer here with 5% of the details. I try to give the benefit of the doubt.

[robf1971]

Tell her you love her and to married to her, but she needs to end the friendship with this guy.

 

Or she can pack her bags

[robf1971]

Blindly we answer here with 5% of the details. I try to give the benefit of the doubt.

 

True but

 

Scenario 1 : He says " stop cheating It's hurting my feelings, you're being naughty.

 

Newsflash, she doesn't care, she's in love with the new guy. If she cared about her hubby's feelings she wouldn't be blatantly disrespecting him like this.

 

 

 

Scenario 2: He says "Wife I won't live in an open marriage, no more contact or leave"

 

Well she will probably leave. Suddenly his wife will be alone, and have to pay for her own accomodation and bills, then as all these affairs do they will die out. At that point his W can really see the consequences of her decisions, lots of bills, working harder, no loving hubby to take care of her etc.. If she is the typical codependent person who has an affair then she will start to feel lonely and come sniffing at hubby;s door. At which point he should make her walk over broken glass to regain his trust again.

[seibert253]

If you confront without evidence, your evidence will disappear.

 

Listen dude, you W IS having an EA. Ray Charles can see this. You just don't want to believe it. That's OK, it's natural.

 

 

But, before you confront her, you need the evidence. If you confront without evidence she will Lie, Lie, Lie, and Lie some more. Then right after your talk, she will destroy this evidence. TRUST ME! You need to be patient just a few days longer.

 

Here's your gameplan. It's tried and true to many here:

1. If you have access to detailed on-line billing of her cellphone, take advantage of it. Print out all her texts. 200 texts to another male "friend" is TOTALLY inappropriate.

2. If you have access to her laptop, install a keylogger on it. It will show everything she does when she's locked in her hideaway.

3. Access her email account. If you haven't done so, you're gonna be shocked on what you find, when you do.

4. Hide a voice activated recorder in her hideaway. I'll bet the farm that she's calling and talking with her "friend", locked behind closed doors.

 

When all is said and done, when you find out when this EA started, is probably the same time your M started to go south.

 

Keep us updated.

[You Go Girl]

True but

 

Scenario 1 : He says " stop cheating It's hurting my feelings, you're being naughty.

 

Newsflash, she doesn't care, she's in love with the new guy. If she cared about her hubby's feelings she wouldn't be blatantly disrespecting him like this.

 

Scenario 2: He says "Wife I won't live in an open marriage, no more contact or leave"

 

Well she will probably leave. Suddenly his wife will be alone, and have to pay for her own accomodation and bills, then as all these affairs do they will die out. At that point his W can really see the consequences of her decisions, lots of bills, working harder, no loving hubby to take care of her etc.. If she is the typical codependent person who has an affair then she will start to feel lonely and come sniffing at hubby;s door. At which point he should make her walk over broken glass to regain his trust again.

 

Thinking about your scenario 2. Having been in financial difficulties myself, I still wouldn't want to think that I was fixing a broken relationship out of financial fear.

I also wouldn't want to think that my wife came back to me out of such need for financial reasons if I was a Husband.

Nothing wrong with working it out should she come "sniffing" around, and he wants to, but the euphemism walking on broken glass sounds too much like inequality. Love doesn't survive, nor repair itself, with inequality, only with equality. That's why fixing a broken relationship is a humbling experience for both parties, regardless of who did the bigger no-no. Otherwise it is probably doomed.

[HurtingHusband74]

Well I had print outs of the cell phone details and confronted her. She did not deny talking to him at all. As many have said she said he is a good freind and have been good friends for a long time. He is just someone to talk too.

 

She doesn't have any desire to try and work things out by going to MC. I guess it is my fault as since this started I did not follow advice that I had seen here. I was always asking how to fix things and followed her around the house. All of which I now know just pushed her further away. I was smothering her. Definatly not the way to go.

 

I wish I would have listened to the advice that I had been reading from others.

 

Right now we are just going to try and talk more each day and take things one day at a time. She said she will not call or txt the guy any more until we figure out how we will proceed.

 

It may be too late but I will start following some of the advice that I have seen here. No more following her, no more saying I love you and act as though I am moving on.

 

I will try to see how this works out. Even though I am afraid it is all over. I will post more as things develope.

[sirweasles]

Ok first you are correct following and asking and fighting for your relationship at this point is smothering her. second you have to let her know you love her dont over use it but try at least once a day to find a opertunity to tell her you love her. third now is the time to focus on you if you are mopping and misserable thats how she sees you you have to find away to see the positive side of life in everything trust me I have been to the bottom of the barrel and am still fighting my way up believe that every step forward there will be another curve ball your attitude is the only thing you have that will protect you from it. fourth STOP I mean STOP pushing any relationship talk whatsoever. When she is ready she will talk. Right now you need to show her the person she fell in love with the person that she had all those good times with. absolutly do not pull any macho sh*t understand it takes 2 to screw up a relationship but it also takes 2 to heal one. If it is going to heal you must work on you and in time if she is willing she will join you believe me she will not work on this with you at first somthing has happened and she has been hurt and does not trust your attitude and needs to see proof that you are sincere.

[Windsurf66]

OP,

 

Her using your attitude after being refused sex, is just a convenient excuse. Do not believe her, the real reason it because of the EA that she is having with her OM. This one, 100% confirmed. We have seen so many cases to know how cheaters behave and lie.

 

And btw, being moody after being refused sex, is a normal reaction and acceptable, do not think that it is your fault because it not. Sex, like food, shelter, sleep, are all basic human needs for survival (read maslow hierarchy of needs) . If you are denied of food, u can eat anywhere else. If you are denied access to the bedroom, u can sleep anywhere else. If you can denied of sex, you cant go f*** someone else right? So you mean, after being refused sex which is part of a couple's obligation in a marriage to meet each other's needs, you dun even have the right to be moody? Thats bullsh*t. I have no wish to waste time arguing with some people, but dun allow her to convince you that its your fault. Your wife's affair, is totally her choice.

 

Next, coming to your wife's affair. Its not about ego in filing for a divorce. Its the fact that she said she does not love you anymore, and the fact that she is in a EA with a guy. Its the fact that she is cold and distant to you. Its the fact that she has been secretive in her back bedroom having her romantic chats or sexchat with her OM. Why lock the room? Its a blatant disrespect towards you by chatting with her OM instead of spending time beside you at night. Its also the fact that she does not have desire to try to work things out.

 

Once the spouse has cheated and shows a lack of respect, the marriage is gone. The lack of respect, together with other facts mentioned above, means that your marriage is doom and there is only 1 option left. Well, if you file, and she is remorseful, she will come begging you. If not, it just prove that she does not care

 

If she comes begging you to take her back, well, thats another discussion

Edited January 12, 2011 by Windsurf66

[robf1971]

Thinking about your scenario 2. Having been in financial difficulties myself, I still wouldn't want to think that I was fixing a broken relationship out of financial fear.

I also wouldn't want to think that my wife came back to me out of such need for financial reasons if I was a Husband.

.

 

I agree but it's all part of the package. Someone grows a wild hair up their a$$ and wants to separate, fine but why should they do it on the other partners dollar.

 

Lot's of these people enjoy nice houses, cars and holidays, they have some fantasy about screwing another person, well consquences. They will most likely end up living in a sad little rented apartment and driving a clunker.

[robf1971]

euphemism walking on broken glass sounds too much like inequality. .

 

Any relationship breakdown has 2 people responsible. However the cheater was entirely responsible for their actions. Once genuine remorse has been shown by the cheater then both parties can sit down equally and look into their separate contributions.

[hanging on for now]

This is my first post I have been reading posts for about 2 months now. Please bear with me and I am so lost and confused right now.

 

Back during the first week of Nov. my wife tells me we need to talk. She said she didn't love me anymore and was unhappy almost 18 years of marraige. She wanted to go to counseling, so we set that up and went to 3 sessions then she said it wasn't doing any good. She didn't like the couseler. So this was around the 2nd week of Dec. Since then she has been very cold and distant. She will not talk about the problem at all. I have said I am willing to do anything to fix us.

 

When this all started this what she told me. She said my problem was that I got an attitude when I didn't get sex. I admit I did get upset and would leave the room. However that is an easy fix. I told her if she would have told me before that this was causing her some issues I would have fixed my attitude. So I have been to counseling by myself now and I am taking meds. I have learned to control my attitude. I never did yell or hit, but I just got moodly I guess you could say.

 

I feel like she is having an EA. I just found out that she has been talking to an old boy friend from high school. Just yesterday alone they texted each other over 200 times. Also they found out the talk on the phone every couple of days for atleast 2 hours. He live in a different state so I know it hasn't turned into a PA yet.

 

How should I approach this with her today? I just don't want to go in and thrown down the phone bill details say what is this? I need to know how to tactfully approach this.

 

I want to stop it before it turns into a PA. I love my wife and kids so much and don't want to lose them. I know if I am ever going to have a chance I need her to quiet the EA.

 

I am just going crazy as I have never been alone. We have been together for over 20 years. We have 2 boys and I don't want to lose my family.

 

Sorry I just had to get this off my chest. I have no one to talk too and I don't want my family to know about this yet.

 

I know this probably is all over the place but I just can't think straight right now.

 

2 things; all the text and phone calls, I don't care how far away he is, don't rule out that it's gotten physical. Second, so what if it hasn't. She is cheating on you with her heart. I was more hurt when I found the intimate emails than when months later she told me they had sex. I wan't thrilled and repeated some of the grief steps again but they went much faster this time. I guess you have to make a decision. Do you want to try and save your marriage? It's a long shot because she controls it. I don't have an answer, wish I did.