never had an argument, 1st one about to happen

[aloneonafriday]

i am a bit peeved tonight - i have been seeing my bf for 3 and a half months, and things are going good, but hes pretty flaky when it comes to arrangements. hes never let me down as such, but he often changes arrangements or only tells me about arrangements last minute. on tuesday he asked me to go to the movies with him tonight - then last night he put me in a 3-way with his friend on msn, his friend said we are going for a meal, come with us to me, i said ok, so i sms'd my bf tonight as i was leaving work thinking id go straight out, asking what time where etc, he sent one back saying 'chill, will be in touch soon to let you know' - i had to come all the way back from the city to my home

 

he didnt get in touch till 8 am said we are eating in a part of the city that takes me 45 mins to get to, an dthey would be done by 10. Id have gone if hed told me what time where etc but by the time i got home i was not in the mood to go all the way out again.

 

on wednesday i sms'd him at 4.30 saying going for a drink to our favourite bar with my friends, join us if you want. he didnt text back but turned up at 8.30, in the meantime i was checking my phone every 10 mins.

 

he values his freedom and his independance - hes never told me that but i know from how he is that he likes to fly by the seat of his pants and it doesnt bother me most of the time, but tonight it did, i could have made other arrangements but i was waiting for him to text

 

am i being unreasonable?

 

ARGH!!! he just texted me. i said come round after your dinner as he said he wanted a quiet one. he just texted back saying 'dinner will be a while got to wait half an hour for a table, keep in touch x' WHAT does that mean??? is he coming round? i am getting actually annoyed now and i have never been annoyed with him before. grr. (just letting off steam)

[aloneonafridaynight]

sorry, meant he got in touch 8PM tonight not 8am.

[moimeme]

hes never told me that but i know from how he is that he likes to fly by the seat of his pants and it doesnt bother me most of the time

 

So this guy has not ever been given any indication that this behaviour might bother you. What reason does he then have to expect otherwise this time? I think you'd do well to read my thread on 'Expectations'. It is unfair and unreasonable to get mad at him for doing exactly what he has always done.

 

Either decide you accept him the way he is or try to negotiate a behaviour change. But don't just come at him out of left field and tell him off.

 

No wonder they think we're nuts!

[FreeMe]

It sounds like he's being thoughtless, not taking into consideration your valuable time. He probably decides things at the last minute - like what restaurant to go to so anyone who's not right there with him may be inconvenienced. Some people are always like that and don't change. Hopefully that's not the case with him. You're right to bring it up. He's wasted your time - you could have done something else you wanted to do.

[aloneonafridaynight]

ha ha ha - point taken

 

you are right, thats why i am treading carefully before i start having a fit about it. well i was, but i have just had a text fit and lost my cool a bit.

 

him: the keep in touch text

 

me: what did that mean? id have come if youd told me where etc before. now am sat in on own on Friday night - are you coming round? if not i'll go to party k invited me to. death stare (death stare is a joke as i have always said he'll be sorry if he gets one off me)

 

him: sorry got the impression you werent up for the meal. am drinking round here for a bit so go to the party with karl if you are stuck for something to do. let me know where yous gonna be x

 

me: i asked you where to meet at 5pm, you contacted me too late it takes an hour to get to you. i stopped ducking well getting ready as you said you wanted a quiet one, its too late now (had waited for period of 1 hour for all texts you see). and i am going to be at home, are you coming round or not? straight answer please, i have pmt but would have been p*ssed off without it. double death stare

 

him: will come but will not be happy if you are a moody miss hissy. see you soon just started eating x

 

am about to throw self on floor for a major hissy fit. have to get rid of annoyance on here. have a couple of hours to calm myself before he comes round.

 

i have never ever been moody with him btw, not once, i am quite chilled out but hes winding me up. whaddo i doooo? i am NOT going to be moody and sullen, its not my style. as he wells knows. i am starting to calm myself now. deep breaths deep breaths

 

oh yes, no i havent given him any indication before moimeme - i know you cant expect people to do/be who you want them to be, i dont want t o change him, i just dont want t o be left high and dry. i have made my point. am annoyed hes said 'will not be happy if you are miss hissy' - i reserve my right to have a benny on occassion, even though i havent exercise it yet

 

hahah he just texted me again - 'remember i think you are very beautiful and very sexy and very beautiful and very sexy'

 

that was sweet.

[aloneonafridaynight]

THANKYOU freeme. i agree, but i also see why he wouldnt have realised before because i have never made it clear before - but its just common courtesy

 

i want to be out on a friday night kicking my heels up not sat at home watching sex & the city.

 

i have made my point now, his friend just called me and said 'what are you doing its not like you do have a fit' and tried to get me out. then i grassed my b/f up to him and said he didnt tell me where you were going until 8pm and his friend said 'oh well thats not very good is it'. i said 'i KNOW' like monica off friends.

 

then i texted bf and said 'dont tell me not to have moodies, have made my point and you know its not my style, & stop talking about me behind my back b*tch - lucky for you i think you are very handsome - no kiss x'

 

he just texted back 'x'

 

have narrowly averted first argument.

[midori]

Originally posted by aloneonafridaynight

have narrowly averted first argument.

 

Good. But don't let him get off scot-free. When he finally does show up, point out to him in a reasonable way that he was being terribly inconsiderate. He'd be very annoyed if a friend of his jerked him around like that, with vague, ever-changing plans/times. He'd be very annoyed if you did that to him, I'll bet. Charming you with his friends calling and sending xx's via text don't compensate.

[moimeme]

Apparently, he has been this way all along, and she has yet to complain about it. Therefore, if she is now deciding she does not like it, I believe it would be only decent to at least let him know that her attitude about this habitual behaviour, which has taken place for more than three months, has now become a matter of contention where before it was not.

[aloneonafridaynight]

he came round at midnight, a bit tipsy & sporting a bunch of roses. we burst out laughing, had a hug and both said sorry, and he said the last thing he wanted to do was intentionally upset me, but he didnt let me totally get away with it and vice versa - we had a chat about it which nearly got a bit heated but my flatmate came home and we had to behave.

 

after shed gone to bed, we grinned at each other and agreed it wasnt worth arguing about, that if he was inconsiderate i would just tell him straight to tell me what i needed to know and give him the courtesy of being straight with him. he then told me he loves me for the first time, and we jumped up and down laughing - it was wonderful.

 

i am happy that we got through our first hiccup by listening to each other and with a certain amount of humour, i feel we both understood the others point of view and took the others feelings into consideration. i just hope that we can continue to deal with upsets as we did - even when things started getting heated, there wasnt a hint of disrespect

 

i am sure one day we'll be yelling at each other with the best of them, but i cant wait!!! our futures are together - hes special to me, really special.

 

thanks for the replies, midori, interestingly he said i do do it to him, usually on a friday night, but i only do it after he changes plans so i make alternatives with friends, i didnt last night as we were supposed to be going for a meal which is inflexible and you cant just go and meet diff people to pass the time till he turns up & it was in a part of the city i dont know - it was a case of miscommunication, he didnt click that i only do it when hes being flaky, he thought it was the way we do stuff together - as moimeme anticipated. i am often an hour late myself, but only when we are meeting groups of people where it wont inconvenience anyone - he didnt see the difference as he just hadnt thought about it, if shes late then it doesnt matter if i am.

 

would be interested to hear other peoples experiences of first arguments

[aloneonafridaynight]

here i am,back again.

 

yesterday he texted me saying he was desperate to see me, and hed come round and see me after watching the game in a bar with his friends, it finished at 10pm, but he got in touch at 11pm saying hed be an hour, and as i had work was it still ok if he came round, and to go to bed if i was tired as he was with my housemate whod let him in. i said thats cool as it was his friends last night who was going away for a few months. i went to bed and woke up at 2am, still no sign, i woke up again at 3am and he was in bed with me, and he said sorry he was so late - no worries, it was his friends last night

 

this morning i left him in my house and went to work, as i left he said he prob still be there wheni got home, but he texted me this afternoon and said he was going to a lecture at 7.30 till 9.30 and would call me afterwards. its now 10.15 and hes not been in touch. its now too late for me to go into the city, and i took tomorrow off work to be with him. i know he'll contact me soon, but i am starting to feel like a booty call.

 

i feel a bit sick and need to type about it on here and work off some nerves.