Do you think he's lying?

[maddii]

I posted another topic about my best friend who's been acting as if he likes me for 4 months (cuddling, spooning, holding hands etc)

 

Basic story: He started acting as if he liked me, so I asked him about it and he said he'd rather just be friends, but carried on acting like he likes me, and neither of us have been in a relationship before, he's 18, I'm 20, so I figured maybe he was shy, and nervous about having a relationship, but as he carried on acting like he liked me, I asked him again on new years eve, and he said yes, and I asked him out, and he said yes..

 

Then 4 days later, he went in a huge mood and refused to speak to me because I asked why he wouldn't tell his brother we were going out, and he doesn't like talking about things, but it had to be asked, and he texted me from upstairs saying 'I don't feel ready for all this, I just want to be friends'..

 

So I left it a week because he wouldn't speak to me, then when we finally spoke (over email, he wouldnt speak to me in person) he tried saying

 

'I tried liking you like that but it wasn't working', and that he thought he liked me after I'd mentioned it, which is a lie, because I didn't mention anything until a few weeks after he showed signs of liking me...

 

So I'm wondering if there is a possibility that he does like me, (still judging his actions here, not his words,), and if maybe he doesnt feel ready for a relationship, and now feels too awkward to be friends.. rather than the real reason being he never really liked me, and just 'didnt know how to say no when i asked him out', kinda thing..

 

I probably sound like I'm looking too far into this, but he doesnt like talking about things, and he always makes excuses for things, but his actions really showed he likes me, and considering he's shy, I don't get why he'd have done that for 4 months with somebody he didnt like, then decide never to see them again, unless it was because he does like me, and is scared of a relationship...

 

I guess I'm just holding out some hope that my explanation is right, I want us still to be best friends, and I know thats not going to happen, at least not now, but I just hope there may be some possibility in the future..

[TaraMaiden]

It's common knowledge that girls mature more quickly than boys and advance mentally and intellectually for about 10 years, until guys catch up at around 25 years of age.

Girls generally demonstrate themselves to be about between two and four years older mentally than boys.

 

I'm sorry to say this, but you sound around 12.

 

Leave him alone.

 

He doesn't know what he wants, but it's clear he doesn't want the same thing as you do. You want him to want you, and he doesn't.

 

Just back off, and wise up a bit.

it's undignified to chase a younger man who patently obviously is not ready to settle for you.

Leave it be, it's a waste of time.

[Cassandra92]

You sound just as unsure as he does. Do you have feelings for him? Are they strong, or would you rather just be friends? That sounds like the most uncomplicated answer, if you can both just be straight up with each other.

 

Getting together is not meant to be as hard as that. It should be a happy time, not stressful and confusing. If in fact you have demonstrated to him that you want a relationship with him that is more than friends, and he hasn't come through, I think that's a sign that it's not meant to be.

[maddii]

I don't know why you say I sound 12.. In what way.. I'm just judging him and his actions, and the fact that his words and actions don't match up, I don't know how you can say I sound 12 just for wondering if maybe he hasn't been honest, and for hoping that one day me and my best friend may be friends again.

[maddii]

Cassandra: I do have feelings for him, I know that, but he also showed he had feelings for me too, but he's admitted that he's very shy, and his mother told me he's shy, and he said in a text 'I don't feel ready for this', but then a week later started saying 'I tried to like you in that way', but he'd been showing he liked me that way for 4 months, yet now it's as if he's trying to make out that I was somehow misinterpreting things...

 

I know that right now he's saying it'd be too awkward to see eachother again, but a week ago he said he liked me, and said yes to us being boyfriend and girlfriend, and he's acted like he likes me for months, so it made sense that maybe he wasn't ready, and then he even said so..

 

I just don't get why now he'd change it to 'I thought I liked you' and that..

[TaraMaiden]

I don't know why you say I sound 12.. In what way.. I'm just judging him and his actions, and the fact that his words and actions don't match up, I don't know how you can say I sound 12 just for wondering if maybe he hasn't been honest, and for hoping that one day me and my best friend may be friends again.

 

Because the whole post, and the whole situation sounds juvenile.

 

Try to disassociate yourself from the first post.

Read it as if you were a complete stranger to the situation, subject, and persons.

Doesn't it sound like something a 12 year old would be fretting over in school, with a boy in another class....??

 

I think this is just something you need to drop. Relax and just enjoy a friendly relationship for the sake of being friends. He doesn't want what you want, and you taking the lead and being pushy, doesn't sit well with him.

He was happy with the way things were. Flirtatious, general, close and non-committal.

 

He sees you as rocking the boat and upping the ante, and I really think he feels uncomfortable in the situation, and in letting you down. he doesn't want to hurt you, but it's all just a bit of fun. You're reading way too much into this.

 

 

Incidentally, if you were 12, would you be interested in a 9/10 year-old?

[grampi]

I think some people in this site should learn how to become more tactful before they post...

[maddii]

I think some people in this site should learn how to become more tactful before they post...

 

Are you saying I need to be more tactful? In what way?

 

 

Taramaiden: Regardless of how old I sound, this isn't some childish crush, this is real feelings for my best friend, and if it's childish to be 'fretting over it', then surely everybody else's problems here are childish?

 

He led me on, and you act like I'm childish and pushy for questioning it, I only asked him about it after he'd been doing it for months, hardly pushy, and I didn't take the lead, he started this. Are you really suggesting that I should just let him do whatever he wants without questioning things just because he's obviously happy being flirtatious? There is no way I've read too much into the way he acted with me, and how could I read too much into someone who actually says 'yes I like you', when I ask him, hardly my fault he said yes is it?

 

It's irrelevant how I would feel if I were 12, I'm not 12. We're both adults. I don't appreciate you telling me I'm being childish, I have friends who have 7 year differences between them and they're fine, you can't imply that I'm pushy and have done something wrong and should just drop it, simply because I'm two years older.

Edited January 12, 2011 by maddii

[TaraMaiden]

I think some people in this site should learn how to become more tactful before they post...

You hit 6000+ posts, then tell me that.

I've been here so long I'm growing moss....

And because I've been here so long, I know it hurts to consider it, but this is just same-old same old. That is, this kind of problem presents itself time, and time, and time again. It's nothing new, and many seasoned members can see a mile off what the problem is.

Which is perhaps why, up to now, this thread has had 7 posts - but 121 views.

 

However, it is to be appreciated that those going through it, may be doing so for the first time.

So let's try a different approach....

 

Taramaiden: Regardless of how old I sound, this isn't some childish crush, this is real feelings for my best friend, and if it's childish to be 'fretting over it', then surely everybody else's problems here are childish?

No, because you have received fairly clear signals to indicate that there is nothing really going on here. There's nothing to fret about...He's prevaricating, but I really do not believe his heart is truly into getting serious with you. He's backing off and doesn't like being pinned down.

You have to understand that you cannot make him want you, love you, go out with you, or commit to you, on your own. In other words - you can't fix this.

What you really need to do, is to have a look at the signature in my first post - the one by Caliguy - and glean some precious and important pointers from it.

You sound needy and desperate.

You have to show him that really, it's no big shake. Act aloof, let it go, and shrug it off.

That will engender a better and more constructive reaction from him than the way you are behaving now.

Hell, it can't hurt to try. Because what you're doing at the moment clearly isn't working.

 

He led me on, and you act like I'm childish and pushy for questioning it, I only asked him about it after he'd been doing it for months, hardly pushy, and I didn't take the lead, he started this. Are you really suggesting that I should just let him do whatever he wants without questioning things just because he's obviously happy being flirtatious?

No, I'm suggesting you completely change tactics and behave in a silent, dignified and distant manner. Stop trying to find out why he's doing what, how, for what motives... He's as confused as you are, so he's not going to tell you!

Focus on what you are going to do...

 

There is no way I've read too much into the way he acted with me, and how could I read too much into someone who actually says 'yes I like you', when I ask him, hardly my fault he said yes is it?

Never said it was. What I'm suggesting is that he realised his bit of fun was getting out of hand, because you've taken it too seriously. And he said what he thought you wanted to hear, in order to pacify you.

Once you became insistent, he retreated, and came out with the classic -

 

"I tried liking you like that but it wasn't working."

 

I tried to like you? WTF?? Trying shouldn't even be a factor! This is when I would have slammed him to the wall and exited stage left. It's a typical player comment, and not one you need to hear if you want to get into a relationship with someone. Just because you've been friends a long time, doesn't mean people stay the same for ever, as we knew them at the beginning...I think he's revealing aspects of his own behaviour which are frankly quite immature... And he's sucking you up like a fish on a line. But that's not what he wants....

 

 

It's irrelevant how I would feel if I were 12, I'm not 12. We're both adults.

Only just, hun.

 

I don't appreciate you telling me I'm being childish,

Well i apologise for that, but you are, as I see it, and it's not doing you any favours, so really, you need to change tactics....

 

I have friends who have 7 year differences between them and they're fine,

....relevance....? I don't follow.....

 

you can't imply that I'm pushy and have done something wrong and should just drop it, simply because I'm two years older.

 

No, I'm trying to tell you that you're being overly pushy with someone who clearly doesn't want to know or commit himself, and you're behaving like a girl far below your years, and that a more mature approach would serve you better.

 

As a 54-year old woman with three strong relationships under her belt, trust me. I can see what's happening, and I'm trying to help you here.

Edited January 12, 2011 by TaraMaiden

[maddii]

Well as a starting point, this is my first relationship, so yes, I probably am less mature than someone who's been through many relationships..

 

You explained much better in this post, so I appreciate what you are trying to say now, although, I'm not actually doing anything, I sent him the message after we didn't speak for a week asking whether or not he wants to go back to just being friends, and I accepted what he told me, no matter how desperate I may sound on here, (and maybe I do sound desperate, because I truly care about my best friend,) he doesn't know that.. I haven't begged him or anything, or stalked him and sent him 100 messages, so I do think I have been pretty mature in the situation, considering I've never dealt with anything like this before. I know that doesn't make me mature, but I know I haven't dealt with this in a childish matter. He's the childish one.

 

I can see your point with me changing tactics and being silent, and him maybe having a bit of fun and saying yes to appease me, which is a pity really, but I hope I'm not to blame for not realising he was only having fun, and for truly thinking he liked me.

 

Maybe I was a bit pushy, but when I spent the months upset and confused by his behaviour, I don't think asking him about it was really out of order.

 

My question still remains; is there any hope in the situation, that maybe he is confused, and does actually like me, or do I go with the words of 'Oh I tried to like you', when that makes no sense when compared to his actions over the 4 months..

[TaraMaiden]

I explained in my first post that guys and girls are different. And that's even at the same age.

To put it bluntly, his hormones are probably still raging, and underneath everything you think you know about him - he's a bit of an idiot when it comes to gurlz.... and you're two years older than he is....

 

I know it seems unkind but I'm thinking Beavis 'n' Butthead (him) and Ariel/The Little Mermaid (you). I dunno, it just seems a bit of a mismatch...

 

I think settling down and having a relationship with someone he's known for a long time, might even be a bit creepy to him... but let's face it, you've been his one constant 'girl' friend all this time, and maybe he was just developping his technique with you... But the problem is, when it comes to affaction and being serious, you are probably streets ahead of him.

And moving from a platonic friendly state to an intimate loving, possibly sexual one is not something he might find comfortable to contemplate.

 

My advice to you would be to put his erratic, confusing and misleading behaviour down to his growing up. or trying to.

Go out, meet new people, and generally widen your social circle.

Focusing on him is limiting, and it's not doing your morale much good, is it?

 

Just take a back seat, leave this be, don't pursue it, and shift your interest.

As they say, it's the one who cares the least, who controls the most.

[maddii]

I explained in my first post that guys and girls are different. And that's even at the same age.

To put it bluntly, his hormones are probably still raging, and underneath everything you think you know about him - he's a bit of an idiot when it comes to gurlz.... and you're two years older than he is....

 

I know it seems unkind but I'm thinking Beavis 'n' Butthead (him) and Ariel/The Little Mermaid (you). I dunno, it just seems a bit of a mismatch...

 

I think settling down and having a relationship with someone he's known for a long time, might even be a bit creepy to him... but let's face it, you've been his one constant 'girl' friend all this time, and maybe he was just developping his technique with you... But the problem is, when it comes to affaction and being serious, you are probably streets ahead of him.

And moving from a platonic friendly state to an intimate loving, possibly sexual one is not something he might find comfortable to contemplate.

 

My advice to you would be to put his erratic, confusing and misleading behaviour down to his growing up. or trying to.

Go out, meet new people, and generally widen your social circle.

Focusing on him is limiting, and it's not doing your morale much good, is it?

 

Just take a back seat, leave this be, don't pursue it, and shift your interest.

As they say, it's the one who cares the least, who controls the most.

 

Thank you, I thought we were a great match, as did everybody who knew us, just maybe not in the maturity sense..

 

Who knows if you're right about him feeling weird as I'm a friend, we were friends for about 7 months before he started any real flirting, he was genuinely affectionate with me though, and I don't doubt that he meant it, I honestly don't. I guess I just have to accept that for whatever his reasons, he's now decided that he doesn't see me that way, and/or isn't ready for a relationship.

 

Just feels like a bit of a shock when a week ago my best friend and I started going out after 4 months of mixed signals, and now we aren't going to see eachother ever again, I'm struggling to accept it, as I saw him/spoke to him everyday.. now there's a huge gap where he used to be, cliche as that sounds.

[500daysofsummer]

it sounds like you're looking for people to help you convince yourself that he likes you.

 

after reading your post and speaking from a guy's point of view.. let me tell you that homeboy doesn't like you. you're being way too pushy. girls don't ask guys straight up if they like them. and girls don't ask guys out.. it's the guy that asks the girl out. the girl is the prize that the guy is trying to get. homeboy was just confused on new year's eve when he said yes and felt pressured.

 

if a guy likes you he will chase after you. if a girl was aggressive and approached me in the way you approached your friend it would send me running for the hills!

Edited January 12, 2011 by 500daysofsummer

[maddii]

it sounds like you're looking for people to help you convince yourself that he likes you.

 

after reading your post and speaking from a guy's point of view.. let me tell you that homeboy doesn't like you. you're being way too pushy. girls don't ask guys straight up if they like them. and girls don't ask guys out.. it's the guy that asks the girl out. the girl is the prize that the guy is trying to get. homeboy was just confused on new year's eve when he said yes and felt pressured.

 

if a guy likes you he will chase after you. if a girl was aggressive and approached me in the way you approached your friend it would send me running for the hills!

 

Well you weren't there, so you can't say I was aggressive, I wasn't...

 

So by asking him if he likes me after he's spent 4 months flirting, and when I know he's too shy to say anything about it, I'm pushy for asking? :/

 

Surely we're not still living in olden times where the guy has to ask the girl, thats ridiculous. His mother had to ask his dad out...

[500daysofsummer]

Well you weren't there, so you can't say I was aggressive, I wasn't...

 

So by asking him if he likes me after he's spent 4 months flirting, and when I know he's too shy to say anything about it, I'm pushy for asking? :/

 

Surely we're not still living in olden times where the guy has to ask the girl, thats ridiculous. His mother had to ask his dad out...

 

maddii, yes i wasn't there but i'm basing my opinion on the information you provided.

 

i'm just saying that it sounds like you really like him and "he's just not that into you."

 

just don't get your hopes up. give him the space that he apparently wants right now. if he comes around and shows that he likes you then great! but just don't hold your breath.

 

don't suffocate him with your feelings and affection. don't even bring op the topic of "us." it would be best for you to give him the cold shoulder, maybe even no contact

[maddii]

I know, I do really like him, I just don't understand why he pretended to like me for months,

 

We aren't speaking now, he thought it'd be best if we only spoke online as it'd be awkward in person, but I don't see the point of only speaking online, it would make me feel worse seeing what he's doing etc, and knowing I can never see my best friend again..

 

The problem with what you said about 'if he comes around and shows he likes you', is that this situation is the result of him showing me he liked me in the first place, yes I like him, and reciprocated, but I never initiated anything, it was always him..

[500daysofsummer]

i feel for you maddii. but i really think that the best possibly thing you can do is to NC him. not even online chatting.

 

only he can change his mind. you can't change it for him and i don't think you'd want to be the one changing it for him... right?

[maddii]

I know, you're right, it's so hard to find other things to focus on, we used to speak several times a day online and see each other twice a week, and it was probably the only thing I really looked forward to, so now I just feel so lonely. I have other friends, but it never feels as good to be around them as it did him, and not just because I had feelings for him, we just always had so much fun together.

 

Of course not, I'd never want to change his mind, he has to want to, in one of his messages he said 'you have a way of making me not know how to say no to you, I take after my stupid dad', which I partially didn't understand, because I don't understand why he'd have a problem saying no.. He says no to people all the time, and he's said no to me before..

 

But yeah, he has to want to. I just don't know if I should hold on to any form of hope that he will want to, or just let go completely, y'know?

[500daysofsummer]

maybe you feel the same way as i do (and some other people here). we might all be in the same boat.

 

even though we're separated i still think my ex is perfect for me, we're perfect for each other. we get along so well, we're best friends. it feels so right... right?

 

i know it's easier said than done. but the best thing for you to do is to completely NC. if it was meant to be he will come back to you.

 

NC is a win win situation. either he comes back to you or you heal and move on. by you staying in contact with him it just pushes him further away. you need to give him a chance to miss you.

 

i read somewhere on this site that guys are more likely to break NC than girls. and i believe that. me being a guy, i ALWAYS broke NC when my ex wanted it.

 

so you can keep your hopes up that if he does want you he will break the NC.

 

but you have to realize that there is a possibility that he does not see the same thing in you as you see in him.

 

"hope for the best but expect the worst"

[maddii]

I think I am in that boat.. we just, 'go' together..

 

I know, I'm just terrified that even if he does want to contact me that he won't because he's so terrible with talking about things and I know he's really shy/awkward and probably just, wouldn't contact me..

 

I know that I may feel completely different at this point, but seeing as we didn't end on bad terms etc, if I were to break NC after several months, just to see how things go, keeping it casual etc, do you think that would be a terrible thing to do..?

[500daysofsummer]

i know you're not going to want to hear this. but i think that it would be a bad thing to do.

 

trust me, if he really does like you, he will overcome his shyness and he will come back to you.

 

you just have to focus on the best action you can do now. the rest will take care of itself.

[maddii]

Okay, Guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens..

 

Thank you for your help Hopefully I'll be strong enough to keep NC.. I'm not so tempted to actually speak to him, but more checking his facebook etc, even though I de-friended him.. I find it hard to resist the urge, but I'll keep telling myself not to, because it hurts to check..

[500daysofsummer]

good luck! keep us updated

[maddii]

Thank you, I will