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Will the OW ever go away?


StrongerNow

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My H and I have been working on our marriage for about 6 months now. We have had MANY ups and downs with his indecision on staying or going to the OW. He has decided that he loves me more and is REALLY doing everything he can this time to save our family, our marriage and most importantly our love. I know this time is real from comparison to all the other not so true times he tried.

 

My problem is this bitch won't go away. She keeps trying to email him...they worked together...she can't call as he as blocked all her numbers but she still tries to find crafty ways. She clearly used him in their relationship and still wants to keep him around for her own selfish reasons. She has even stated that she doesn't care what happens to my children as long as she gets what he promised her. My H has told her that he is done and that even though a part of him will always love her, he is done because through all of this he sees I am his true soulmate. She doesn't believe him because she thinks she is more beautiful than I am and that he wouldn't leave her for someone like me.

 

After all of this...Do you think she will ever go away?

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bentnotbroken

When your H puts a stop to it...she will go away. He opened the door by having the affair and inviting her into your life...now it's time for him to kick her out. Until that time...:confused:

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A part of him will always love her? Really? That's what he said to her? Well, that doesn't sound very reassuring, if you ask me. That would hurt me terribly, if I were you. And that might fuel her expectations, too. If that is what you know, I am asking myself if there is anything that you don't know. That statement doesn't sound like he's closed all his doors between him and OW. Sorry, but I think he must be more assertive in order to make her understand that there's no room for her in his life. By telling her the above, he is not doing that wholeheartedly. You must demand that. That would be an emotional boundary for me that has to be made clear-for you, the BW, and for her, the OW, in order for her to understand where she stands. Because right now I'm sure she thinks she still stands between you and him.

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You kind of sound like me 2 and a half years a go. My husband had many one night srands and a couple affairs...the last one was the one that broke the camels back..he told me everything..like your husband he was torn between me and ow. He chose me in the end..just like yours,for same reasons. The same thing happend,,she kept comming around until he finally slammed the foor on her..and even then it wasn't a hard slam. Well its been over two years,and yes she,s physically gone. But even if she's gone for him she's not for me. I think about her everyday...she never goes away.and the stronger I get the more I realize,she will never go away. Not while I'm with my h anyway..wich is why I'm getting out. I never thought id be here..I wanted him so bad even after I knew the truth..good luck to you.

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My H and I have been working on our marriage for about 6 months now. We have had MANY ups and downs with his indecision on staying or going to the OW. He has decided that he loves me more and is REALLY doing everything he can this time to save our family, our marriage and most importantly our love. I know this time is real from comparison to all the other not so true times he tried.

My problem is this bitch won't go away. She keeps trying to email him...they worked together...she can't call as he as blocked all her numbers but she still tries to find crafty ways. She clearly used him in their relationship and still wants to keep him around for her own selfish reasons.

How did she use him?

 

She has even stated that she doesn't care what happens to my children as long as she gets what he promised her.

Did she say this to YOU?

Or is this something that you H is saying?

Because if its what your H is saying, I'm sorry, but you shouldn't put too much value on that. He's your H and you love him, but he's also a married man that carried out an affair. That means that he's good at lying, and is capable and willing to do it. If you read stories here you'll see that MMs throw the OW under the bus when they are found out and, even though he was openly torn about choosing between the 2 of you. That doesn't mean that he's being completely truthful about everything he tells you about this OW.

 

My H has told her that he is done and that even though a part of him will always love her,

The part in bold is why she wont go away. He's not really ending it with her if he's telling her that a part of him will always love her. Also, you don't know what reasons he gave her for why he chose you.

He tells you, he chose you because he realized that YOU are his true soulmate.

But he could be telling her that he's putting up with being with you, because of the kids (if you have any), or financial reasons, and then to top it off, he tells her that he's always love her - of course, she's not going to go away, because if he's lying about why he's with you - then its all the same story she's heard from him before, nothing's changed.

 

She doesn't believe him because she thinks she is more beautiful than I am and that he wouldn't leave her for someone like me.

 

After all of this...Do you think she will ever go away?

Again, if you didn't hear this from her, then

#1 - your H is an ass for telling you this (because on top of being cheated on, he's telling you that she's more beautiful than you)

#2 - W spouses are liars - Even if you're trying to rebuild trust and all, don't be so quick to believe every single thing he's telling you so soon after this whole mess.

 

Are you guys going to MC?

Did you sort out the real reasons that lead to the A?

 

I wish you the best of luck.

And I do hope that if you guys are trying to work things out the OW will leave you guys alone, I just suspect that she's not leaving you alone because your H is still leading her on.

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fBS here...

 

There was continued contact between my fWS and his OW while he was attempting to reconcile with me.

 

He kept trying to let her down gently, because he had lied to her, to me, but mostly to himself....

 

She kept calling, as either a friend, a support system, or to see if there was a chance for them....That is understandable.

 

Eventually, HE HAD TO TELL HER, in no uncertain terms, to stop calling and emailing and texting.

 

She was devastated and believed they could still be friends. They could not. It doesn't work.

 

She, too, wanted the promise kept of a trip made to her son by fWS after the relationship was over.

 

I told him sure, you and I will take the child. Let me call her and see what time we can pick him up?

 

Needless to say, no trip.....no more contact.

 

But he did let her down too gently. She broke NC to see if he was still interested 2.5 years after DDAY. I then called her and told her he was not.

 

Until your husband clearly and unequivocally communicates his decision to this woman, she will continue to contact him.

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Sometimes you have to get mean. Sounds like this is one of those times. He has to tell her he never, ever wants to see or hear from her again. A registered no contact letter may be in order. If she violates that then a RO.

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Depends on if she wants to go away. He can't control her actions any more than you can control her actions. My H's xow didn't want to let go of him even tho he clearly said "no" and his actions have been consistant with that "no" she still wouldn't accept that from him. Lot's and lot's of drama in her world. We decided to ignore her. What else could we do?

 

She's part of your combined histroy.

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PortuguesePrincess80
How did she use him?

 

 

Did she say this to YOU?

Or is this something that you H is saying?

Because if its what your H is saying, I'm sorry, but you shouldn't put too much value on that. He's your H and you love him, but he's also a married man that carried out an affair. That means that he's good at lying, and is capable and willing to do it. If you read stories here you'll see that MMs throw the OW under the bus when they are found out and, even though he was openly torn about choosing between the 2 of you. That doesn't mean that he's being completely truthful about everything he tells you about this OW.

 

 

The part in bold is why she wont go away. He's not really ending it with her if he's telling her that a part of him will always love her. Also, you don't know what reasons he gave her for why he chose you.

He tells you, he chose you because he realized that YOU are his true soulmate.

But he could be telling her that he's putting up with being with you, because of the kids (if you have any), or financial reasons, and then to top it off, he tells her that he's always love her - of course, she's not going to go away, because if he's lying about why he's with you - then its all the same story she's heard from him before, nothing's changed.

 

 

Again, if you didn't hear this from her, then

#1 - your H is an ass for telling you this (because on top of being cheated on, he's telling you that she's more beautiful than you)

#2 - W spouses are liars - Even if you're trying to rebuild trust and all, don't be so quick to believe every single thing he's telling you so soon after this whole mess.

 

Are you guys going to MC?

Did you sort out the real reasons that lead to the A?

 

I wish you the best of luck.

And I do hope that if you guys are trying to work things out the OW will leave you guys alone, I just suspect that she's not leaving you alone because your H is still leading her on.

 

 

This is the best response..and I'm simply wondering all the answers to these questions! Sounds like your H is loving all this attention.

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How did she use him?

 

 

Did she say this to YOU?

Or is this something that you H is saying?

Because if its what your H is saying, I'm sorry, but you shouldn't put too much value on that. He's your H and you love him, but he's also a married man that carried out an affair. That means that he's good at lying, and is capable and willing to do it. If you read stories here you'll see that MMs throw the OW under the bus when they are found out and, even though he was openly torn about choosing between the 2 of you. That doesn't mean that he's being completely truthful about everything he tells you about this OW.

 

 

The part in bold is why she wont go away. He's not really ending it with her if he's telling her that a part of him will always love her. Also, you don't know what reasons he gave her for why he chose you.

He tells you, he chose you because he realized that YOU are his true soulmate.

But he could be telling her that he's putting up with being with you, because of the kids (if you have any), or financial reasons, and then to top it off, he tells her that he's always love her - of course, she's not going to go away, because if he's lying about why he's with you - then its all the same story she's heard from him before, nothing's changed.

 

 

Again, if you didn't hear this from her, then

#1 - your H is an ass for telling you this (because on top of being cheated on, he's telling you that she's more beautiful than you)

#2 - W spouses are liars - Even if you're trying to rebuild trust and all, don't be so quick to believe every single thing he's telling you so soon after this whole mess.

 

Are you guys going to MC?

Did you sort out the real reasons that lead to the A?

 

I wish you the best of luck.

And I do hope that if you guys are trying to work things out the OW will leave you guys alone, I just suspect that she's not leaving you alone because your H is still leading her on.

 

TigerCub

 

Thanks for your input on things. You are saying many of the things I have said to myself.

 

Everything I state about the OW she has said directly to me or via email.

 

For a long time I thought my husband was stringing me along. He has been working to prove himself. I am looking at this as a slow process.

 

He has always said good things about me and often defended me to her when the OW would try to talk trash about me.

 

I just know that if she could she would have him. I just want to make sure if our marriage ends that it is after doing all we could to save it.

 

This is a scary thing to go through. I wish it on no one.

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TigerCub

 

Thanks for your input on things. You are saying many of the things I have said to myself.

 

Everything I state about the OW she has said directly to me or via email.

 

For a long time I thought my husband was stringing me along. He has been working to prove himself. I am looking at this as a slow process.

 

He has always said good things about me and often defended me to her when the OW would try to talk trash about me.

I'm sorry, I'm just a little confused.

 

So do you run into this woman a lot, and that's how she gets her opportunities to talk trash? Then you H defends you?

 

As for her telling you things through email? I duno, just block her emails.

 

If she comes to you and harasses you, can't you get some kind of restraining order? (I honestly don't know about that one too much)

 

She just wants to get a reaction out of you, so if you don't react, you just ignore her, it'll wear off soon enough.

 

I know that you don't want to hear this right now, but she's probably hurt too, I'm sure that your H promised her all sorts of things and then he decided to ditch her and work things out with you. Granted, she's not dealing with her anger the proper way - but I just say, don't get into the tiffs with her, if she emails you or says something to you, just ignore her and work on rebuilding your M.

 

If your H isn't leading her on in any way, this will pass (her anger and hurt and feelings of being used will eventually simmer down). If he's still leading her on, chances of her going away are not as likely.

 

You never answered my questions about how she used you H during the A

and if you and your H are doing any kind of couselling to get to the bottom of why the A happened and the main causes of unhappiness in the M.

 

I do wish you the best. I can only immagine how hard it is to want to fix an M after an A, and then you have this added crap from an OW that will not leave you alone. Its a tough path to walk I'm sure, I hope everything works out for the best :)

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So your husband wants to work it out more then ever and blocked her from his phone but she continues to keep getting a hold of him and even stated she doesn't even care about your kids.That is kind of weird he would care anything about a woman that does not care about your kids what does that tell you about your husband he should be sickened by that. Has he told her to stay away in front of you and told her if she does not stop he will get a restraining order? I think something has her thinking she has a chance. Maybe he told her she is more beautiful to woo her and has spoke to her a little with out you knowing.I am not saying this to hurt you I am just wondering if he is enjoying all the attention. How can you be sure he has no contact? Are you both going to counseling? If he wants her to go away he can get her to to stop the contact and he should do it with you there so you know he is true.Have you talked to her and got her side of the story? I am hoping he is being truthful to you but protect yourself and your marriage by finding the truth and through counseling.She will go away when he demands her to. Good Luck and I wish you the best.

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I will just say this: If he really wanted her gone and really cared about the marriage he would've done so by now. If I were you I would reconsider being married to him.

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I will just say this: If he really wanted her gone and really cared about the marriage he would've done so by now. If I were you I would reconsider being married to him.

 

Agree. I would have kicked him to the curb permanently when he said " a part of him will always love her". Reeeally!? Well take that part of you with the rest of your sorry azz and leave! What a ghastly thing for a BS to have to hear!

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Why in the name of grace would you call this woman a sorry azz! She has done nothing to be one. I think you have her confused with the OW and her husband. She is only trying to find clarity in the midst of the most confusing and devastating thing that has probably ever happened in her life!

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I will just say this: If he really wanted her gone and really cared about the marriage he would've done so by now. If I were you I would reconsider being married to him.

 

Agree. I would have kicked him to the curb permanently when he said " a part of him will always love her". Reeeally!? Well take that part of you with the rest of your sorry azz and leave! What a ghastly thing for a BS to have to hear!

 

i agree with the above...

 

i think the sorry a$$ that's being referred to - is OP's cheating husband. his alliance isn't with his wife... IF he were trying to REPAIR the damage he's done - he wouldn't keep hurting his wife this way over and over.

 

he hasn't finished anything with his OW. his actions and words make that clear. kick him to the curb.

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Why in the name of grace would you call this woman a sorry azz! She has done nothing to be one. I think you have her confused with the OW and her husband. She is only trying to find clarity in the midst of the most confusing and devastating thing that has probably ever happened in her life!

 

I should have put it in quotes. The sorry azz is her cheater husband who won't get off the fence even after all that has happened

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I'm sorry, I'm just a little confused.

 

So do you run into this woman a lot, and that's how she gets her opportunities to talk trash? Then you H defends you?

 

As for her telling you things through email? I duno, just block her emails.

 

If she comes to you and harasses you, can't you get some kind of restraining order? (I honestly don't know about that one too much)

 

She just wants to get a reaction out of you, so if you don't react, you just ignore her, it'll wear off soon enough.

 

I know that you don't want to hear this right now, but she's probably hurt too, I'm sure that your H promised her all sorts of things and then he decided to ditch her and work things out with you. Granted, she's not dealing with her anger the proper way - but I just say, don't get into the tiffs with her, if she emails you or says something to you, just ignore her and work on rebuilding your M.

 

If your H isn't leading her on in any way, this will pass (her anger and hurt and feelings of being used will eventually simmer down). If he's still leading her on, chances of her going away are not as likely.

 

You never answered my questions about how she used you H during the A

and if you and your H are doing any kind of couselling to get to the bottom of why the A happened and the main causes of unhappiness in the M.

 

I do wish you the best. I can only immagine how hard it is to want to fix an M after an A, and then you have this added crap from an OW that will not leave you alone. Its a tough path to walk I'm sure, I hope everything works out for the best :)

 

 

Well he was her "go to guy." If she needed ANYTHING he would find some way to provide. A door knob fixed, kids in trouble, money...etc. No offense to anyone but her background and raising were not the best so I believe she thought she struck the lottery with my H. We loved to go on trips and like the finer things. She thought all of that would transfer to her if he left me.

 

Neither I nor my H get any communication from her now. He told her alittle over 4 weeks ago to stop all contact. Since then he has not contacted her. I know because he is transparent with everything. He and I have also blocked her from everything we can. Only if she calls from a different phone or emails him at work can she contact him. Which she has done once which is what spurred my posting. He ignored her.

 

I know that some of the things my H has done are not good. I know that he is ashamed of them and regretful. I am sticking this out because I do love him and I know that there is something to save. I am not taking this laying down. He knows that one slip up will end our marriage for good. I have been very patient through many ups and downs with his indecision these past few months. H states he is in love with me and ready to do the hard work to get through this.

 

We are in counseling. We see someone once a week. It is helping. I see now though that we both had/have a lot of problems together and as individuals. We are working on it. It's hard.

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i agree with the above...

 

i think the sorry a$$ that's being referred to - is OP's cheating husband. his alliance isn't with his wife... IF he were trying to REPAIR the damage he's done - he wouldn't keep hurting his wife this way over and over.

 

he hasn't finished anything with his OW. his actions and words make that clear. kick him to the curb.

 

 

About 4 weeks ago I would have agreed with you. I can't explain how other than to say things are different. I am a smart women and watching this closely. I do appreciate the support and concern. And I am open to ANY advice you have out there.

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