too late?

[abc098]

I just found this forum a few days ago. I hope it's not too late. Beginning of october after the worst fight we've ever had, the wife began to be distant. A couple weeks later she wrote me an email detailing her problems with the marriage. I told her I would stop those actions. She continued to be distant although at that time I just felt she was acting weird, which made me angry. During one of those arguments she stated she wanted marriage counseling to which I said no because I did not realize how serious matters were. Approx 3 weeks later, I realized that she was still distant, I asked for marriage counseling at which point she said no. I asked multiple different times. She stated that she needed space and so I moved out for a week to live with a friend. After that week, she said she was going to stay with one of her girlfriends. Forward a few more weeks to early december, she states she wants a divorce. At this time, my parents came and tried to talk her out of it which obviously didn't work. All along I had been suspecting their might be an affair going on, but never thought she could do anything like that. I had enough proof the few days after my parents came and confronted her. She denied until I told her the proof I had after which she confessed. It seems like it's mostly emotional but they have at least kissed. She already wanted a divorce so this didn't change matters. I immediately made her expose it to her siblings and I also wrote them an email, but didn't seem like that had much of an affect. I exposed it to a couple of her friends who although say it's not right what she's doing are supporting her and understand because in her mind the marriage was over. I exposed it to her parents last week, and although they said they would never tolerate the behavior they are believing her lies even though I have provided proof. I have asked the OM to quit having contact with her. I mailed a letter to his parents a couple days ago. Then I came across this forum. She completely moved out yesterday, so I suppose we are automatically in plan B. The OM is her coworker. I emailed him today to stop contact with her or I will expose him at work (he is her supervisor). He did not reply however she did very angrily stating I was hateful and vengeful and how dare I defame him at work. This from the same woman who stated how much she loved me three months prior, was talking about having kids, etc.

 

We have been married for less than 2 years, together for 6, have no kids. Any help/suggestions appreciated.

[JustJoe]

Well Dude, now that you've promised to expose the whole thing, you had better do it, although, how that will get your wife back, I can't say. She is having what is termed an "exit", affair, which means that she has already given up on the marriage. She wants a divorce and thats probably what's going to happen. Sorry, but you should have gone to counseling when she wanted to. Now you are separated, and very few ever get back together.

[woinlove]

Your wife really doesn't sound mature enough to be married and have children if she moves between these extremes in a few months and deals with unhappiness by choosing deception and disloyalty.

 

It sounds like you have been doing a lot to try to get your wife to behave different. You can't make your wife become more mature, responsible or honest. I think it would be a good strategy to focus on yourself instead. Perhaps counselling would help you deal with the pain and uncertainty and I'd try to focus on doing things you enjoy, figure out what makes you happy. Sounds like your wife has already checked out of the marriage, so probably you should move on and file for divorce. If you wife does a turn around (when you pull back and focus on yourself, this can happen - people often want what they can't have or are losing) and you want to try to reconcile you can stop the divorce proceedings. However, since your wife sounds immature, I wouldn't count on it.

 

At its best, a successful marriage will be for decades and your wife behaving like this at this early stage does not bode well. She would have to significantly change to be part of a successful marriage, otherwise this would just happen again. Don't spend your time chasing someone who isn't capable of giving the love you deserve.

[abc098]

My sister keeps telling me to move on as well. I guess a big part of me wanting her back is knowing the mistakes I made and the regrets I have, and knowing we could have had a very happy marriage. I just needed a wake up call like this but unfortunately both you guys are right, I won't be getting a second chance with her. I would have had much more peace of mind if she had wanted a divorced and their was no affair, but obviously can't change that. I was so naively happy with her which makes this even worse. I didn't even know she was unhappy.

[lkjh]

Dont chase her. It will make her respect you less. Oh and expose the OM to HR and even threaten with a law suit

[RobD70]

My sister keeps telling me to move on as well. I guess a big part of me wanting her back is knowing the mistakes I made and the regrets I have, and knowing we could have had a very happy marriage. I just needed a wake up call like this but unfortunately both you guys are right, I won't be getting a second chance with her. I would have had much more peace of mind if she had wanted a divorced and their was no affair, but obviously can't change that. I was so naively happy with her which makes this even worse. I didn't even know she was unhappy.

Not all affairs are cause by unhappy marriages, she may say she's unhappy because her marriage isn't as exciting as the affair. When they are in an affair they tend to exaggerate how bad the marriage really is.

 

Your best bet is to stop trying to save her or the marriage. If she was ever to come around it will be on her own without your influence. Take the high road and protect yourself and assume it's over for good. You never know what the future holds and this could end up being the best thing to happen to you long term.

[IzzyB]

Why are you "exposing" her A to everyone? Yes, the A was "wrong" but going around telling her mommy and daddy and her friends serves NO PURPOSE except to make you look immature and desparate. Also, telling the OM to back off or trying to threaten his position at work is obviously ineffective and pointless. Grow up and take responsibility for your part of the demise of the marriage and stop running to other people to try to get her to behave - she is an adult, not your child. And whats the point of getting him in trouble at work aside from wanting to be vindictive?

Your intent is off. The reason to tell others is NOT to get your W back or to hurt or punish others. It serves no purpose here. You didnt go to counseling and you ignored all of the other signs that your marriage was failing - her having an EA doesnt excuse your own behavior. Man up and face the situation and deal with the other responsible party HER. Stop tattling and bringing other people into it. Your actions, Im sure, have only negated any chance you had of healing the marriage.

Get into therapy, work on you, and you will have a wonderful chance of having a good marriage based on good communication and honesty.

[IzzyB]

Not all affairs are cause by unhappy marriages, she may say she's unhappy because her marriage isn't as exciting as the affair. When they are in an affair they tend to exaggerate how bad the marriage really is.

 

 

You are right that not all affairs are based on unhappy marriages. But it really does sound like this was an exit affair. She was already done.

[woinlove]

My sister keeps telling me to move on as well. I guess a big part of me wanting her back is knowing the mistakes I made and the regrets I have, and knowing we could have had a very happy marriage. I just needed a wake up call like this but unfortunately both you guys are right, I won't be getting a second chance with her. I would have had much more peace of mind if she had wanted a divorced and their was no affair, but obviously can't change that. I was so naively happy with her which makes this even worse. I didn't even know she was unhappy.

 

Learn from your mistakes so that you can be a better partner in the future (likely with someone new), but it was your wife's decision to have an affair and that is her responsibility. Your wife lacked integrity and that is her problem. Take responsibility for your own actions, but not for hers. Focus on yourself and when you are strong and happy, you may see your wife in a more realistic light.

[rowell2024]

Why are you "exposing" her A to everyone? Yes, the A was "wrong" but going around telling her mommy and daddy and her friends serves NO PURPOSE except to make you look immature and desparate.

 

Because generally, exposure ruins the affair because affairs thrive on secrecy.

 

Also, telling the OM to back off or trying to threaten his position at work is obviously ineffective and pointless.

 

Wrong. It's very effective. And I would not only expose his affair at work, I would inform his spouse or SO if he has one. They don't deserve to be cheated on either.

 

Grow up and take responsibility for your part of the demise of the marriage and stop running to other people to try to get her to behave - she is an adult, not your child. And whats the point of getting him in trouble at work aside from wanting to be vindictive?

 

He should expose this affair to as many people as possible and get checked out for STDs. She's deeply in the affair fog.

 

Your intent is off. The reason to tell others is NOT to get your W back or to hurt or punish others. It serves no purpose here.

 

See above post.

 

You didnt go to counseling and you ignored all of the other signs that your marriage was failing

 

She was distant and uncommunicative. Yes he didn't go to the counseling at first, but she continued to be distant. Then SHE refused and continued her affair. This tells me that this has been going on a lot longer than he suspects. Increased fights are one symptom of an affair.

 

- her having an EA doesnt excuse your own behavior.

 

And there is absolutely no excuse for an affair, which he doesn't even know yet if it went physical.

 

Man up and face the situation and deal with the other responsible party HER. Stop tattling and bringing other people into it. Your actions, Im sure, have only negated any chance you had of healing the marriage.

 

Wrong. She's in the affair fog. As a cheater yourself, you should know that. You're still struggling to maintain NC with your affair partner.

 

Get into therapy, work on you, and you will have a wonderful chance of having a good marriage based on good communication and honesty.

 

The only good thing in your post that you said.

Edited January 12, 2011 by rowell2024

[Spark1111]

I'm sorry. I think it is time to focus on you, your goals, your life....without ANY assumption your wife will be a part of your future.

 

Exposure, which you have tried, is a successful tool when you have a WS fence-sitting and trying to decide who to choose.

 

Your wife is NOT exhibiting remorse after you have pulled out all the stops: her family, your family, her workplace....so I think it is time to let HER BE...and you work on you.

 

If she had shown one inkling of remorse or a desire to work on the marriage, exposure can help the process. But it hasn't. She has grown more distant, angrier and has moved out.

 

So at this point, every attempt by you to save your marriage, will just be perceived by HER as an attack. It will convince her she has made the right decision to leave you.

 

And that isn't your intention, is it?

 

Focus on you, the very best you you want to be, and move forward with your life and your future.

 

I wish you peace during this painful process.

[Adi]

Hey, your story sounds just like mine, its like a switch went on or off, which ever way you look at it.

 

In my case she just seemed too turn into a dif person, but after we split, the grass was not has green.

 

I tried too make it work, and she gave me a 100% but ask yourself this, can you live with it, i could not, and i will say this, your heart fixes after a split, but affairs, you can spend your hole life trying too get over it.

 

Sometimes you need too bite the bullit.

[MarriedGuyNTennessee]

Why are you "exposing" her A to everyone? Yes, the A was "wrong" but going around telling her mommy and daddy and her friends serves NO PURPOSE except to make you look immature and desparate. Also, telling the OM to back off or trying to threaten his position at work is obviously ineffective and pointless. Grow up and take responsibility for your part of the demise of the marriage and stop running to other people to try to get her to behave - she is an adult, not your child. And whats the point of getting him in trouble at work aside from wanting to be vindictive?

Your intent is off. The reason to tell others is NOT to get your W back or to hurt or punish others. It serves no purpose here. You didnt go to counseling and you ignored all of the other signs that your marriage was failing - her having an EA doesnt excuse your own behavior. Man up and face the situation and deal with the other responsible party HER. Stop tattling and bringing other people into it. Your actions, Im sure, have only negated any chance you had of healing the marriage.

Get into therapy, work on you, and you will have a wonderful chance of having a good marriage based on good communication and honesty.

 

I think you absolutely expose the OM to his superiors at work. Most employers provide training for their supervisers to not get involved with subordinates. Perhaps the OM is a slow learner. The employer deserves to know the character of the OM that they have in charge of people. He took your wife, you put a stain on his work record. Sounds reasonable to me.

 

Don't let anyone lay the blame on you. Yes, you were a part of the marriage and it eventually failed, but you have no degree of responsibility at all for her choosing to cheat emotionally or physically.

Edited January 12, 2011 by MarriedGuyNTennessee

[abc098]

I appreciate everyone's replies. I have been working on myself since this happened. Unfortunately the demise of my marriage was my wakeup call. I had never been in a real relationship before this, so I never got a chance to learn anything. I have read at least 10 relationship books and basically everything we were doing wrong in our marriage was in the books from the way I was arguing with her to the lack of communication skills, and not completely accepting her as she was, etc. I really think premarital counseling should be required before anyone gets married. If I had this knowledge before I think we'd be happily married still.

 

I'm on the fence about exposing her. You are right that she is not remorseful at all. Hasnt said sorry at all about the affair and says it's all my fault which is wrong obviously. I might write an anonymous email to their supervisor saying what the OM is doing without putting her name into it. Talked to her parents today who say they've tried to reason with her to stop the affair but she just won't. She used to respect and listen to her parents so much. I don't think she ever lied about anything to me before this whole situation.

 

Again I appreciate all your replies.

[abc098]

To Adi:

 

She actually said when she first became distant a switch flipped in her head. It's ironic that you said that. She said she has never stood up for herself before, and she has always put other people first. This time she's doing something for herself. But she was cheating so I don't know how much faith i put into what she said.

[dont-be-naive]

We have been married for less than 2 years, together for 6, have no kids. Any help/suggestions appreciated.

 

no kids?

 

not enough time married to accumulate significant marital assets.

 

trust me, get out now while the getting is good. get an anullment.

 

The OM is her coworker. I emailed him today to stop contact with her or I will expose him at work (he is her supervisor). He did not reply however she did very angrily stating I was hateful and vengeful and how dare I defame him at work.

 

tell her to go to hell. she doesn't get to act all high and might with you. she is the cheater here. any negative traits she tries to project on you is hypocritical.

[dont-be-naive]

Don't let anyone lay the blame on you. .

 

yes, don't let the people who have cheated, and defend their own, blame you. You are not to blame.

 

Sure, going around exposing to everyone isn't probably healthy for you, but you are hurt, in pain, and she has dropped a bomb on you that doesn't exactly have you thinking straight. Been there, done that.

 

but that doesn't mean if someone asks, "so what happened", that you can't tell them. you shouldn't have to lie for anyone.

[seibert253]

Dude, you know this already, your M is done.

Retain a bulldog of an attorney.

File, and have her served at work.

Also have him served for deposition at the same time.

Pay the extra couple of bucks, and have the process server hand deliver your letter outlining everything to the business owner.

 

Might as well go out with a bang.

[Distant78]

Dude, you know this already, your M is done.

Retain a bulldog of an attorney.

File, and have her served at work.

Also have him served for deposition at the same time.

Pay the extra couple of bucks, and have the process server hand deliver your letter outlining everything to the business owner.

 

Might as well go out with a bang.

 

I agree. The money is worth spending to get rid of cheaters.

[Woggle]

To Adi:

 

She actually said when she first became distant a switch flipped in her head. It's ironic that you said that. She said she has never stood up for herself before, and she has always put other people first. This time she's doing something for herself. But she was cheating so I don't know how much faith i put into what she said.

 

Don't you just love it when these women treat affairs as if they are some sort of feminist awakening? You two don't have any kids so just be rid of her live a great life without her in it.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Don't you just love it when these women treat affairs as if they are some sort of feminist awakening? You two don't have any kids so just be rid of her live a great life without her in it.

 

I agree with this. Like they are some gawd's gift to men...hardly! Thats goes for men too btw!

 

In either case..I wouldnt even warn them about exposing this affair. I would get in there and just do it..who cares what the outcome is. Lets see how self-righteous she looks then!

[Woggle]

I agree with this. Like they are some gawd's gift to men...hardly! Thats goes for men too btw!

 

In either case..I wouldnt even warn them about exposing this affair. I would get in there and just do it..who cares what the outcome is. Lets see how self-righteous she looks then!

 

I agree. For the record I am not talking about all women. I am just talking about ones like her.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

I agree. For the record I am not talking about all women. I am just talking about ones like her.

 

I hear ya. Gotta stand up for us "good" girls ya know..lol

[Woggle]

I hear ya. Gotta stand up for us "good" girls ya know..lol

 

You are very much appreciated and it would be great if there were more of you.

[abc098]

Thanks a lot for all your replies. Seems like what I'm going through is not uncommon at all. It's just so sad that late september we were always talking about our future, names of our kids, where we want to live when we finally settle down, etc and then a month later she's off having an affair. She never ever seemed unhappy to me (other than when we fought, which according to her was all the time but I honestly don't think that but either way...), no one saw us as an unhappy couple. I was soooo blindsided...