Distant78 Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 she served him with divorce papers - moving forward i am suggesting things that he can DO to improve the way he participates - so that he can learn what healthy participation looks like for him... I have no doubt he will learn from this experience. Hopefully in the future he will pick a woman with a different mindset or something. All he needs to do now is worry about him and how he can get away from this manipulating evil. He needs to heal from his wounds. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Suing on the grounds of mental cruelty. Yeah right, Did she get this off of one of those do-it-yourself divorce websites? Okay, counter sue for a divorce under grounds of adultry, also inform her that OM stands a chance of being subpoena'd. Or...you guy can just take it to a mediator to sort this out like adult's. The reason it is important to expose to everyone, their work, friends and family is that A LOT of times the OM will throw the WW under the bus in a minute to save their own hide's. Then the WW will see their true color's and it kills the affair most times. Link to post Share on other sites
dont-be-naive Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Suing on the grounds of mental cruelty. Yeah right, Did she get this off of one of those do-it-yourself divorce websites? she isn't suing, she is simply using it as grounds for divorce. and its also an attempt to prejudice the judge, but judges have seen this pathetic attempt time and time again, so it won't make any difference. he can counter file, and its all just posturing, nothing more. Okay, counter sue for a divorce under grounds of adultry, also inform her that OM stands a chance of being subpoena'd. Or...you guy can just take it to a mediator to sort this out like adult's. or maybe if she is being a real beyotch about it, and she is, I'd go ahead and enact Alienation of Affection, if your state has that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author abc098 Posted January 18, 2011 Author Share Posted January 18, 2011 I exposed them to everyone I could think of -his parents who then sent me an email and said they are flying in to talk to him -her friends who I never heard from -about 60 of their coworkers, got a couple replies saying sorry -their boss who referred it to a higher office No angry email from her or anything so either she doesn't care at this point or her coworkers haven't really said anything to her As far as the arguing, it was usually a problem of me escalating things after she would be irritated/angry/upset about something, definitely argued more in the last couple months because she was distant and I really didn't understand why at that point...but like I said arguing was cathartic for me so it did happen often I've definitely learned my lesson and am working on bettering that part of me Link to post Share on other sites
Author abc098 Posted January 18, 2011 Author Share Posted January 18, 2011 Just wanted to add something else...to me and my family it also doesn't make sense when now she is saying she's been unhappy for a really long time...my dad looked at a her phone records and in september she only texted/called me and her mom..a month later the other guy basically took over for me....the only thing that really changed was the affair... Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 The only answers you are truly going to find are lack of stability and lack of character on her part. Frequently cheaters are conflict-avoidant and often end up with spouses that also don't handle conflict well. Quite frankly the better you handle conflict, the more likely you will not be with a cheater. Link to post Share on other sites
Author abc098 Posted January 23, 2011 Author Share Posted January 23, 2011 She was definitely the type person who wanted to avoid conflict while I was the exact opposite. And the problem was we would argue and she would usually just give in and so we never had real discussions about stuff. Either way, I've learned a lot of good lessons for my next relationship, unfortunately it was the hard way. She was the first real relationship i had and we got married. Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 She was definitely the type person who wanted to avoid conflict while I was the exact opposite. And the problem was we would argue and she would usually just give in and so we never had real discussions about stuff. Either way, I've learned a lot of good lessons for my next relationship, unfortunately it was the hard way. She was the first real relationship i had and we got married. Oh well. There will be a better woman out there who won't resort to this bullsh*t. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 She was definitely the type person who wanted to avoid conflict while I was the exact opposite. And the problem was we would argue and she would usually just give in and so we never had real discussions about stuff. Either way, I've learned a lot of good lessons for my next relationship, unfortunately it was the hard way. She was the first real relationship i had and we got married. Sounds like you had the same relationship my H and I did (he wasn't my first though). Frustrating as Hell eh? "No, you just decide" "Okay I want the blue one." 2 weeks later: "You knew I didn't like the blue one, you are so selfish." ****!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author abc098 Posted January 23, 2011 Author Share Posted January 23, 2011 She would always say "i'm too tired to think" or "you know i can't make decisions" and now one of her complaints is I didn't treat her as an equal..how can I when she doesn't participate in decision making... in retrospect it seems like she just wanted all the good parts of a relationship like being taken care of emotionally etc without knowing how to be an equal partner or even helping me understand how much my arguing is hurting her etc... Link to post Share on other sites
WifeCheatedOnMe Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 Man oh man....I wished I had seen your thread a week ago and pointed you to read mine (one of the longest on here). You would have seen that I behaved similarly to you in the beginning, hoping against hope that if I did the things she wanted it would bring her around.....Fu**ing biggest mistake you can make, and the biggest one I made. Only I went on for almost 9 months hoping and ignoring the sound advice from everyone here. I wasted nearly a year of my life until I finally realized everything that everyone has been telling you here. DO NOT BELIEVE A SINGLE WORD that comes from your WW mouth. It's all lies, all justifications for her behavior, blameshifting and gaslighting. And guaranteed, if you had 'brought her around' she would have just gone further underground and continued her affair anyway. Get down on your knees and thank your God that she served you and cut you lose. She did you a HUGE favor that I wished my WW had done. I finally found my balls again and manned up and did it myself but I would have been so much happier and ahead of the game had I done it a year ago. Cheaters are trash and unless they IMMEDIATELY show actions towards reconciliation, WALK AWAY until they do. I've read too many stories to think anything otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
Author abc098 Posted March 11, 2011 Author Share Posted March 11, 2011 been awhile since i posted...i exposed her mid january to everyone...she continues to be angry...i talked to her for the first time in 6 weeks recently...states that affair has NOTHING to do with divorce..it's all the stuff i did during marriage (angry outbursts, controlling, etc)...i know this is fog babble but i obviously played my role...too angry to even meet up with me for coffee...i know a lot of you say to cut my losses but i'm not ready yet...if there's any suggestions to how to help her get through the fog i'm all ears..thank you Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted March 11, 2011 Share Posted March 11, 2011 I am so sorry for what you are going through how painful this is.I don't know if the OM is married but if so telling his wife in person might stop this affair.E-mail or letters and such can be hidden from his wife.They need to be exposed you did the right thing.This was the chance they were willing to take when they had the affair.In time you will heal and will be thankful you found out when you did.You deserve so much better and will find someone that deserves your love.Do not blame your self or take it personal their is nothing wrong with you.Try to stay busy see what options you have and someday you will be happy again with a loyal loving person.Some people confuse love with lust and do not realize no matter who they are with the newness wears off and they just have a new set of problems with someone else.Marriage is work and not always a bed of roses if marriage was taken serious their would not be so many divorces. My heart pours for you I wish you well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author abc098 Posted March 11, 2011 Author Share Posted March 11, 2011 OM is not married. She also states she doesn't want to take the chance that we will have a bad argument ever again...i've told her we won't but she doesn't trust me she says...she actually doesn't have a reason not to trust me because i have literally never lied to her in our relationship but she keeps saying the affair has nothing to do with it and it's because of all the stuff i did and she never wants to take a chance it will happen again. I've told her she will have arguments with any relationship but she doesn't listen.. Any suggestions? Link to post Share on other sites
WorldIsYours Posted March 11, 2011 Share Posted March 11, 2011 Any suggestions? Yea I got one. Move on from this immature girl and ignore her forever unless it's about the divorce. Other than that tell her to f*ck off and complain to OM. Link to post Share on other sites
Jonah Posted March 12, 2011 Share Posted March 12, 2011 It is most effective to simply build your life without her in it. Fake it until you make it, but make like you are moving on. There is a good thread here that is exact on how to handle it. You could be a bachelor, coveting your freedom. And likely she will soon be eating sh** sandwiches and be wanting to rejoin you in your new life. Betcha that you won't want her back... not because of vengeance, but because your freedom will be of great value to you. Do not get hooked up on a rebound. Get laid but be careful about getting tied. That is the best way. Just walk away head high. It's a win - win situation for you. Sorry that you had to get hurt. Us guys...if there is a good side, you can let it make you a man. Link to post Share on other sites
Jonah Posted March 12, 2011 Share Posted March 12, 2011 OM is not married. She also states she doesn't want to take the chance that we will have a bad argument ever again...i've told her we won't but she doesn't trust me she says...she actually doesn't have a reason not to trust me because i have literally never lied to her in our relationship but she keeps saying the affair has nothing to do with it and it's because of all the stuff i did and she never wants to take a chance it will happen again. I've told her she will have arguments with any relationship but she doesn't listen.. Any suggestions? That's just noise, just another excuse... pay no mind to it. A year from now she won't even remember this lame excuse. Link to post Share on other sites
Jonah Posted March 12, 2011 Share Posted March 12, 2011 My sister keeps telling me to move on as well. I guess a big part of me wanting her back is knowing the mistakes I made and the regrets I have, and knowing we could have had a very happy marriage. I just needed a wake up call like this but unfortunately both you guys are right, I won't be getting a second chance with her. I would have had much more peace of mind if she had wanted a divorced and their was no affair, but obviously can't change that. I was so naively happy with her which makes this even worse. I didn't even know she was unhappy. Yep, six years will accumulate mistakes. Forgive thyself immediately. Just try not to make mistakes today. It's ok guy, we are men. Link to post Share on other sites
Jonah Posted March 12, 2011 Share Posted March 12, 2011 Dont chase her. It will make her respect you less. This is accurate Oh and expose the OM to HR and even threaten with a law suit At first I was thinking no, but now yes. Throw this punch. But only if you have solid evidence. Link to post Share on other sites
Jonah Posted March 12, 2011 Share Posted March 12, 2011 Man oh man....I wished I had seen your thread a week ago and pointed you to read mine (one of the longest on here). You would have seen that I behaved similarly to you in the beginning, hoping against hope that if I did the things she wanted it would bring her around.....Fu**ing biggest mistake you can make, and the biggest one I made. Only I went on for almost 9 months hoping and ignoring the sound advice from everyone here. I wasted nearly a year of my life until I finally realized everything that everyone has been telling you here. DO NOT BELIEVE A SINGLE WORD that comes from your WW mouth. It's all lies, all justifications for her behavior, blameshifting and gaslighting. And guaranteed, if you had 'brought her around' she would have just gone further underground and continued her affair anyway. Get down on your knees and thank your God that she served you and cut you lose. She did you a HUGE favor that I wished my WW had done. I finally found my balls again and manned up and did it myself but I would have been so much happier and ahead of the game had I done it a year ago. Cheaters are trash and unless they IMMEDIATELY show actions towards reconciliation, WALK AWAY until they do. I've read too many stories to think anything otherwise. This is good wisdom. Sorry that the guy had to go through hell to learn it. But so did I. Link to post Share on other sites
drocks07 Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 move on. You're never getting her back. She's never going to love you again and deep down you know this. Yes, you don't want the marriage to end. but, it's already ended in her mind months ago (if not years). The best thing for you to do is move on. Don't waste time being angry with her boss and trying to expose them. The damage is done, she's out of love, she's never coming back, that's it. You do have to just walk away. Yes, of course your INFURIATED with her. You're so angry at her that you want to just destroy both of them....but i'm telling you that life is too short to stay stuck up in your anger. You're worth more than that. You deserve better. You will get no where letting your anger eat away at you. You truly have to let it all go. I know that sounds so cliche, but I've been there. You have two options here: you can stay angry and let it ruin your life. 2) you let it go and accept that ****ty things happen to good people and you move on...you just let it all go. Go your own way and things will work out for you. You'll be a better and stronger person for it too. Just remember, she WILL get what's coming to her at some point down the road. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
WorldIsYours Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 move on. You're never getting her back. She's never going to love you again and deep down you know this. Yes, you don't want the marriage to end. but, it's already ended in her mind months ago (if not years). The best thing for you to do is move on. Don't waste time being angry with her boss and trying to expose them. The damage is done, she's out of love, she's never coming back, that's it. You do have to just walk away. Yes, of course your INFURIATED with her. You're so angry at her that you want to just destroy both of them....but i'm telling you that life is too short to stay stuck up in your anger. You're worth more than that. You deserve better. You will get no where letting your anger eat away at you. You truly have to let it all go. I know that sounds so cliche, but I've been there. You have two options here: you can stay angry and let it ruin your life. 2) you let it go and accept that ****ty things happen to good people and you move on...you just let it all go. Go your own way and things will work out for you. You'll be a better and stronger person for it too. Just remember, she WILL get what's coming to her at some point down the road. Best of luck. I agree with most of you said. She will get her **** and she'll be very sorry for doing this to you. Link to post Share on other sites
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