PortuguesePrincess80 Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Thanks a lot for all your replies. Seems like what I'm going through is not uncommon at all. It's just so sad that late september we were always talking about our future, names of our kids, where we want to live when we finally settle down, etc and then a month later she's off having an affair. She never ever seemed unhappy to me (other than when we fought, which according to her was all the time but I honestly don't think that but either way...), no one saw us as an unhappy couple. I was soooo blindsided... All of us BS's were blindsided so to speak. Some of us had the "something is off" with him or her for months prior to discovery though. I know I did...but I also think outing them to everyone..that really takes them out of this so called "fog" they are still in. Sounds like your wife is still in this "fog". Let reality kick her in the ass when you expose it to everyone..and her employers as well. Don't listen to the people telling you its ludicrous to do that..because personally those posters are either cheaters or people screwing cheaters. In other words..people with lack of respect for themselves..and obviously others! I would tell and let it be! Whether she feels any repercussions or guilt for what she has done in the long run..well I'm sure you'll be the first to know. The ball is in your court now..NOT hers..as much as she thinks it is! No remorse is a huge slap in the face..but you need to focus on yourself now..and nobody else! Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Thanks a lot for all your replies. Seems like what I'm going through is not uncommon at all. It's just so sad that late september we were always talking about our future, names of our kids, where we want to live when we finally settle down, etc and then a month later she's off having an affair. She never ever seemed unhappy to me (other than when we fought, which according to her was all the time but I honestly don't think that but either way...), no one saw us as an unhappy couple. I was soooo blindsided... Being blindsided hurts like hell. Cheaters personalities do change as to be almost unrecognizable. There was nothing you did to cause any of this. There is no excuse to cheat! Cheaters also start to re-write the marital history, making it much, much worse than the reality, as a justification to allow them to step outside the marriage. They become selfish, self=centered and self=entitled, arrogant almost, with an attitude of "I deserve this." Do not own ANY of this! It is not your issue! It is her's alone. You will have to grieve the marriage you thought you had, and the future you hoped you would have with her. That is normal. But I agree with the other posters who reccommended divorce and here is why: You are waaaaay to newly married to have already experienced infidelity. Get out. Get out now. Link to post Share on other sites
1956peace Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Hi I agree with Rowell, if you want to save the marriage, you have to stop the affair, exposure to everyone important to her is the way to do that, if she has to be accountable by everyone around her, the affair won't seem so much fun to continue. Look up Fog Babble, I think you will see your wife fits the bill, right now she thinks she loves him, but once he has to meet her every need and they have to live with the reality of everyone knowing and every day life and responsiblities she may feel differently........ Once the infatuation wears off the prince charming will also just be a guy with problems like everyone else.......... Right now I would send her a letter, telling her that you love her, want to stay married to her but only if she can commit to making the marriage better and she has to end her relationship with the OM......... Until then you tell her that you do not want her to contact you .....then you go on a live your life and work on being a better person, you said it was an eye opener for you. Work on the things that might have contributed to the break down of the marriage. It usually takes at least 6 months for an affair to die out on it's own......In the meantime she will remember the life you two shared at one time and slowly she will compare her fantasy life to the real life she shared with you. Patience my friend is the key her........................ Be the man she feel in love with.......... Link to post Share on other sites
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Hi I agree with Rowell, if you want to save the marriage, you have to stop the affair, exposure to everyone important to her is the way to do that, if she has to be accountable by everyone around her, the affair won't seem so much fun to continue. Look up Fog Babble, I think you will see your wife fits the bill, right now she thinks she loves him, but once he has to meet her every need and they have to live with the reality of everyone knowing and every day life and responsiblities she may feel differently........ Once the infatuation wears off the prince charming will also just be a guy with problems like everyone else.......... Right now I would send her a letter, telling her that you love her, want to stay married to her but only if she can commit to making the marriage better and she has to end her relationship with the OM......... Until then you tell her that you do not want her to contact you .....then you go on a live your life and work on being a better person, you said it was an eye opener for you. Work on the things that might have contributed to the break down of the marriage. It usually takes at least 6 months for an affair to die out on it's own......In the meantime she will remember the life you two shared at one time and slowly she will compare her fantasy life to the real life she shared with you. Patience my friend is the key her........................ Be the man she feel in love with.......... No offense...but this is the worst bit of advise I would ever give! For someone whose acting as self righteous as she...hell no! Want to make him appear like a weak, dependant man..than ya sure send this letter professing your love. If you want to show her life does go on without her...than be a man...no contact until she gets her head out of her ass..and EXPOSE! Link to post Share on other sites
Author abc098 Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 She stated that she got a lawyer and filed for divorce today. States that she will pursue legal action if I expose at work. I said I will sue him for alienation of affection. She called me frantically today, worried and crying that if I expose the OM he will lose his job and ruin the rest of his career. I stated that I wasn't planning on exposing her. I still care about her and am trying not to hurt her. She said by doing this to OM I am hurting her. She is soooo worried about him. States that her filing for divorce has nothing to do with him, but due to he feelings of not being treated well for all those years. Then I said I want to make his life a living hell, and will do whatever I can to ruin his life. Granted my feelings change daily if not hourly, but at this point I dont know if what I'm doing is right or even worth it at this point. I think I'm starting to agree with people who say I should just move on given the short period of our marriage. This would be hundred times worse if we had kids and there's obviously no guarantees she wouldn't do this again in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Right now I would send her a letter, telling her that you love her, want to stay married to her but only if she can commit to making the marriage better and she has to end her relationship with the OM......... Until then you tell her that you do not want her to contact you .....then you go on a live your life and work on being a better person, you said it was an eye opener for you. Work on the things that might have contributed to the break down of the marriage. It usually takes at least 6 months for an affair to die out on it's own......In the meantime she will remember the life you two shared at one time and slowly she will compare her fantasy life to the real life she shared with you. Patience my friend is the key her........................ Be the man she feel in love with.......... [/b] No offense...but this is the worst bit of advise I would ever give! For someone whose acting as self righteous as she...hell no! Want to make him appear like a weak, dependant man..than ya sure send this letter professing your love. If you want to show her life does go on without her...than be a man...no contact until she gets her head out of her ass..and EXPOSE! Personally, the decision here is entirely yours. If you still do want her back (for whatever reason, you love her, you can take a big step back and see a future with her still) then yes write a letter to her detailing what you have done, what you are willing to do and set some solid boundaries and wait (check out DivorceBusters, they are wonderful.) I am by no means saying that you should. But you are also grown up enough to make your own decisions so I won't presume to make them for you. If you want a D because the situation is in your view untenable then yeah, burn the house down! (Not the literal house). Curb stomp the guy's career. But as well: do not stop working on yourself, you will become a healthier partner for someone more deserving. Whether that be your wife if she responds to your boundaries, or someone completely new. (Loveshack cannot be held responsible for the suggestions (real or insane) of the above poster. Any consequences of these actions are yours to bear alone ) Link to post Share on other sites
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Personally, the decision here is entirely yours. If you still do want her back (for whatever reason, you love her, you can take a big step back and see a future with her still) then yes write a letter to her detailing what you have done, what you are willing to do and set some solid boundaries and wait (check out DivorceBusters, they are wonderful.) I am by no means saying that you should. But you are also grown up enough to make your own decisions so I won't presume to make them for you. If you want a D because the situation is in your view untenable then yeah, burn the house down! (Not the literal house). Curb stomp the guy's career. But as well: do not stop working on yourself, you will become a healthier partner for someone more deserving. Whether that be your wife if she responds to your boundaries, or someone completely new. (Loveshack cannot be held responsible for the suggestions (real or insane) of the above poster. Any consequences of these actions are yours to bear alone ) Said the girl who took her husband back after MULTIPLE affairs and is still living in hell! Read our stories...and you'll see our experiences! Base our advise on that! Link to post Share on other sites
Adi Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Dammage control is what you need, she has not changed or become distant with any one but you, she now is thinking this guy is really good, because she is getting all her needs met off you both, but she thinks it is just from the other guy. She needs too miss you so much now, dont reason or ask why, or anything, leave her too it, my ex changed over night and i chassed her, but once i backed down she come back, be careful tho they will say anyhing after the event, i was depressed sad crazy. But think about this, you will never be the same now, at the moment you think getting here back, too that loving girl is all you need, but once you win her back and that is done, you will feel you need too understand what happend. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Dude, you know this already, your M is done. Retain a bulldog of an attorney. File, and have her served at work. Also have him served for deposition at the same time. Pay the extra couple of bucks, and have the process server hand deliver your letter outlining everything to the business owner. Might as well go out with a bang. I agree with this also. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 She stated that she got a lawyer and filed for divorce today. States that she will pursue legal action if I expose at work. I said I will sue him for alienation of affection. She called me frantically today, worried and crying that if I expose the OM he will lose his job and ruin the rest of his career. I stated that I wasn't planning on exposing her. I still care about her and am trying not to hurt her. She said by doing this to OM I am hurting her. She is soooo worried about him. States that her filing for divorce has nothing to do with him, but due to he feelings of not being treated well for all those years. Then I said I want to make his life a living hell, and will do whatever I can to ruin his life. Granted my feelings change daily if not hourly, but at this point I dont know if what I'm doing is right or even worth it at this point. I think I'm starting to agree with people who say I should just move on given the short period of our marriage. This would be hundred times worse if we had kids and there's obviously no guarantees she wouldn't do this again in the future. Exposing to friends and family is totally the wrong thing, However, exposing to the OM's Wife (if he's married) and OM's work is a fantastic idea. It will hopefully nip the affair in the bud. Link to post Share on other sites
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Exposing to friends and family is totally the wrong thing, However, exposing to the OM's Wife (if he's married) and OM's work is a fantastic idea. It will hopefully nip the affair in the bud. Please do enlighten me and explain as to why you think its the WRONG thing? Link to post Share on other sites
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Exposing to friends and family is totally the wrong thing, However, exposing to the OM's Wife (if he's married) and OM's work is a fantastic idea. It will hopefully nip the affair in the bud. Please do enlighten me and explain as to why you think its the WRONG thing? Do they not have the right to know? Don't you think family support is essential? Why cover up for some pig who clearly could give 2 craps for her husband? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Please do enlighten me and explain as to why you think its the WRONG thing? Do they not have the right to know? Don't you think family support is essential? Why cover up for some pig who clearly could give 2 craps for her husband? You know what, morally I totally agree with you. Actually if he doesn't want her back then I also agree with you. However, if he wants a chance to reconcile the object isn't to show what an awful piece of crap she's been, rather it's to end the affair quickly. Two people have the power to send the OM running for the hills, OM's wife, and OM's employer. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 She stated that she got a lawyer and filed for divorce today. States that she will pursue legal action if I expose at work. I said I will sue him for alienation of affection. She called me frantically today, worried and crying that if I expose the OM he will lose his job and ruin the rest of his career. I stated that I wasn't planning on exposing her. I still care about her and am trying not to hurt her. She said by doing this to OM I am hurting her. She is soooo worried about him. You're kidding right? I can't believe she would lay this at your feet. I would expose him and her. He knew darn well he isn't suppose to screw around with subordinates. He couldn't control himself and now he has to pay. I can't believe she expects you to have sympathy for her affair partner. Your wife doesn't want you to expose him because it will make her OM hate her and leave her alone. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 You're kidding right? I can't believe she would lay this at your feet. I would expose him and her. He knew darn well he isn't suppose to screw around with subordinates. He couldn't control himself and now he has to pay. I can't believe she expects you to have sympathy for her affair partner. Your wife doesn't want you to expose him because it will make her OM hate her and leave her alone. Yep , the quickest way to get this parasite out of the equation is to expose him at work. Link to post Share on other sites
Hi.P.O'Crit Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 I stated that I wasn't planning on exposing her. You can't expose him without exposing her as well. The company will want to know all parties. But, exposing the OM will not work anyway. She will protect him. Listen to how she speaks of him. She'll tell the bosses about the impending divorce and that there never was an affair. That you're just lashing out. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 You can't expose him without exposing her as well. The company will want to know all parties. But' date=' exposing the OM will not work anyway. She will protect him. Listen to how she speaks of him. She'll tell the bosses about the impending divorce and that there never was an affair. That you're just lashing out.[/quote'] Actually if it's her supervisor, whether it's an affair or not is an innapropriate relationship. The fact that she's a married woman is another nail in the coffin. I think OM will run a million miles when faced with his career going down the toilet. Affair over, job done!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Affairs are like cockroaches, they love the dark, but once you bring them into light they scatter. The OM in a big boy, he knoew what he was doing messing with a married woman, he should be man enough to deal with the fallout of his decisions. Link to post Share on other sites
1956peace Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 I think from what I read in ABC's post is that he is in shock as to where his marriage has gone, I think he came here for help finding suggestions on how to save his marriage, they were going to start a family, he is in for the long haul. I think with your post and all that has happened that you have no choice but to expose the affair to everyone close to your wife, the Om's family and friends and the work place. When the two of them have to be accountable to everyone they know it won't be any fun having an affair, If you make the decision to have an affair surely you are ready to defend it with everyone. This puts the affair relationship into reality instead of the fantasy world they have been living in. What better way for them to evaluate the real truth and that relationship. It is the only way, they no longer can use the secrecy to hide the truth of what they are doing.................and the other element to this is when they have to meet all the emotional needs of that person they might see them in a different light........... The process of weighing out which life is the better option begins. You must send the letter to make sure the Wayward spouse knows that you still love them and are willing to work on a better marriage than the one they had............. Then it is up to them, if they aren't willing to give up the affair relationship then you haven't anything to work on, this way it's up to them to do the thinking the comparing to see which choice is the best one. They come back willingly knowing the boundaries.............. This plan is only if you choose to still want the marriage, if not then go see a lawyer and start the ball rolling and protect yourself legally and financially. Good Luck.............. Link to post Share on other sites
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 I think from what I read in ABC's post is that he is in shock as to where his marriage has gone, I think he came here for help finding suggestions on how to save his marriage, they were going to start a family, he is in for the long haul. I think with your post and all that has happened that you have no choice but to expose the affair to everyone close to your wife, the Om's family and friends and the work place. When the two of them have to be accountable to everyone they know it won't be any fun having an affair, If you make the decision to have an affair surely you are ready to defend it with everyone. This puts the affair relationship into reality instead of the fantasy world they have been living in. What better way for them to evaluate the real truth and that relationship. It is the only way, they no longer can use the secrecy to hide the truth of what they are doing.................and the other element to this is when they have to meet all the emotional needs of that person they might see them in a different light........... The process of weighing out which life is the better option begins. You must send the letter to make sure the Wayward spouse knows that you still love them and are willing to work on a better marriage than the one they had............. Then it is up to them, if they aren't willing to give up the affair relationship then you haven't anything to work on, this way it's up to them to do the thinking the comparing to see which choice is the best one. They come back willingly knowing the boundaries.............. This plan is only if you choose to still want the marriage, if not then go see a lawyer and start the ball rolling and protect yourself legally and financially. Good Luck.............. Once again with the letter! I seriously don't understand what relevance this letter stating his love for her is! She knew he loved her when she slept with someone else. This is NOT her decision anymore! WHO THE F cares what she thinks or wants! This is not her choice anymore! I don't get what this letter is going to do...but make him look like a weak man! She's not stupid..she knows what she did is wrong...and is justifying it by trying to tell him its because of him! If he gave her that STUPID letter he's basically telling her..yes honey its all my fault why you cheated..there for I'll be here for you whenever your ready to come back. PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!! Nothing more sick than enabling a cheater! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 You know what, morally I totally agree with you. Actually if he doesn't want her back then I also agree with you. However, if he wants a chance to reconcile the object isn't to show what an awful piece of crap she's been, rather it's to end the affair quickly. Two people have the power to send the OM running for the hills, OM's wife, and OM's employer. Well for most betrayed spouses on here...including myself..we outed our spouse to EVERYONE! Do you really think we gave a crap at that point if they wanted to reconcile or not? Do you think we wanted to protect them? HELL NO! We wanted the world to know how much they've deceived us...our kids..our family! We are humans afterall right? Why hide something like they have been hiding for sooooooo long? No way would you be saying this if you were cheated on! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author abc098 Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 Thank you for your continued replies. You guys are gonna think I'm not listening to you, I am, just have a lot of anxiety about doing this for whatever reason. In my state there's a 6 month period of separation before we can be divorced. My wife stated today that she would be willing to not have any contact with this guy until divorce is final, but still definitely wants divorce (i don't think she knows about the 6 month rule). If she gives me access to phone records, email, etc should i take her up on this? Basically it seems she's willing to do whatever if I don't expose him at the moment. I was thinking about even making her go to counseling for herself (to help with her perspective about things, low self esteem at times, always looking at negative aspects in things, to be emotionally stronger), my reasoning would be that I care about her and she needs help with these things even if it is for another relationship. I've been reading a lot and haven't seen this particular twist. I know I should have a particular plan, just want to run this twist by you guys. Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 (edited) Thank you for your continued replies. You guys are gonna think I'm not listening to you, I am, just have a lot of anxiety about doing this for whatever reason. In my state there's a 6 month period of separation before we can be divorced. My wife stated today that she would be willing to not have any contact with this guy until divorce is final, but still definitely wants divorce (i don't think she knows about the 6 month rule). If she gives me access to phone records, email, etc should i take her up on this? Basically it seems she's willing to do whatever if I don't expose him at the moment. I was thinking about even making her go to counseling for herself (to help with her perspective about things, low self esteem at times, always looking at negative aspects in things, to be emotionally stronger), my reasoning would be that I care about her and she needs help with these things even if it is for another relationship. I've been reading a lot and haven't seen this particular twist. I know I should have a particular plan, just want to run this twist by you guys. Thank you So she still wants the divorce and hopes you don't out her or her boyfriend? Seriously dude..are you gonna mad at this??? LIKE NOW???? She's treating you like you are nothing..and your gonna stick around and deal with this? SERIOUSLY??? Who cares about her councelling...and her phone records or anything! She wants a divorce! She wants this other guy! Reality has NOT set in! Only you can make that happen now! Sheesh I'm more upset than you! Why is that!?!?!? Please have some sort of self respect..stop letting her treat you like this...you don't owe her anything whatsoever! Why are you even letting her try to con you into keeping quiet? I don't get this at all. You want to prep her for another relationship? Really is that what I read? I give up! Edited January 13, 2011 by PortuguesePrincess80 1 Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 think we gave a crap at that point if they wanted to reconcile or not? ! Ok, but it seems that the OP wants to reconcile, I don't care about his WW. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Thank you for your continued replies. You guys are gonna think I'm not listening to you, I am, just have a lot of anxiety about doing this for whatever reason. In my state there's a 6 month period of separation before we can be divorced. My wife stated today that she would be willing to not have any contact with this guy until divorce is final, but still definitely wants divorce (i don't think she knows about the 6 month rule). If she gives me access to phone records, email, etc should i take her up on this? Basically it seems she's willing to do whatever if I don't expose him at the moment. I was thinking about even making her go to counseling for herself (to help with her perspective about things, low self esteem at times, always looking at negative aspects in things, to be emotionally stronger), my reasoning would be that I care about her and she needs help with these things even if it is for another relationship. I've been reading a lot and haven't seen this particular twist. I know I should have a particular plan, just want to run this twist by you guys. Thank you Stop it, all this nice guy crap. She is walking all over you. You need to start thinking about yourself here. Link to post Share on other sites
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