too late?

[1956peace]

portugesse princess80,

 

I am a bs as well, I think if someone is trying to keep their marriage together, and something like an affair happens, no one knows where they stand anymore, not all affairs break up marriages.

The wayward spouse is clearly not thinking the right way and because of their actions they may not know what the Bs's perspective is......

The letter is to just put out an olive branch to them letting them know that if they want to work together to save the marriage the option is there, this only takes place if the bs wants to stay married.

If the wayward is willing to end all contact with the AP, and wants to rebuild the marriage this way they know the Bs is willing, otherwise once they are gone they might just assume that the marriage can't be worked on. that's all. it's all for recovery if this the route the bs choses..........

the Bs is also hurt and confused it lets them feel like they are doing something in order to control some of the confusion they are feeling.

[dont-be-naive]

Affairs are like cockroaches

 

affairs? or people in them?

[dont-be-naive]

Stop it, all this nice guy crap. She is walking all over you. You need to start thinking about yourself here.

 

I agree. This nice guy crap is going to get you walked all over.

 

abc, maybe you need R. Lee Ermey to pull a Gunnery Sgt. Hartman on you and snap you out of it!!

 

"sound off like you got a pair!!!"

[robf1971]

. My wife stated today that she would be willing to not have any contact with this guy until divorce is final,

 

Wow!! how incredibly diplomatic of her..

[Woggle]

I would expose in a way that can't be traced back to you. Then she can't take legal action if she has no proof. It is time to get ready for war.

[dont-be-naive]

I would expose in a way that can't be traced back to you. Then she can't take legal action if she has no proof. It is time to get ready for war.

 

exposing the truth won't have any legal consequences anyway.

 

I'd like to see them try to sue based on that.

[robf1971]

. I was thinking about even making her go to counseling for herself (to help with her perspective about things, low self esteem at times, always looking at negative aspects in things, to be emotionally stronger), my reasoning would be that I care about her and she needs help with these things even if it is for another relationship.

 

I think her and OM are having a good laugh about this. Newsflash she doesn't respect you. If there is no respect there can be no love.

 

You want a small chance of saving this?

 

1. Go No Contact (easily done, no kids)Drop her like a bad habit. Ignore her calls, texts and emails.

2. Lawyer up find out your rights

3. Cut off any finance allowing her to continue the affair eg cell phones.

4. Get a life for yourself, have some fun

5 expose to OM's work and OM's wife.

 

Act like you've moved on

[rowell2024]

So she still wants the divorce and hopes you don't out her or her boyfriend? Seriously dude..are you gonna mad at this??? LIKE NOW???? She's treating you like you are nothing..and your gonna stick around and deal with this? SERIOUSLY???

 

Who cares about her councelling...and her phone records or anything! She wants a divorce! She wants this other guy! Reality has NOT set in! Only you can make that happen now!

 

Sheesh I'm more upset than you! Why is that!?!?!? Please have some sort of self respect..stop letting her treat you like this...you don't owe her anything whatsoever! Why are you even letting her try to con you into keeping quiet? I don't get this at all. You want to prep her for another relationship? Really is that what I read? I give up!

 

+1

 

With that said, he's less than a month from DDay and is still in the "shocked/needy/wanting to do anything to please her" stage.

[rowell2024]

I think her and OM are having a good laugh about this. Newsflash she doesn't respect you. If there is no respect there can be no love.

 

You want a small chance of saving this?

 

1. Go No Contact (easily done, no kids)Drop her like a bad habit. Ignore her calls, texts and emails.

2. Lawyer up find out your rights

3. Cut off any finance allowing her to continue the affair eg cell phones.

4. Get a life for yourself, have some fun

5 expose to OM's work and OM's wife.

 

Act like you've moved on

 

Exactly!

 

abc098, if you want even the slightest chance of salvaging this, you need to follow what people (betrayed spouses) are telling you. I know you're probably still in shock, but you need to snap out of it.

 

Giving in to her demands and/or her negotiating deals with you not to expose her boyfriend will do nothing but hasten the end of your marriage. It will also ruin your self esteem and confidence, when later on, when you realize what a chump you've been and that they are playing you and laughing at you behind your back.

 

Either get with the program or give up and accept the fact that it is too late.

[abc098]

Thank you for your encouragement. I am working on composing a letter to their work to expose OM. I know I should expose both of them but now I'm feeling just that I should expose OM. I'm gonna sit on it for a day or two.

[Distant78]

Thank you for your encouragement. I am working on composing a letter to their work to expose OM. I know I should expose both of them but now I'm feeling just that I should expose OM. I'm gonna sit on it for a day or two.

 

No I would advise you to get on it as soon as possible while the pot is still hot, because I bet money that your wife and OM are doing everything they can to hide their affair. Don't let your wife's empty threats discourage you. Your OWN WIFE defended a dude who's a threat to your marriage and even THREATENED YOU if you took action against him. You need to take heed to that and think real hard if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone like this.

[whammy]

I think you absolutely expose the OM to his superiors at work. Most employers provide training for their supervisers to not get involved with subordinates. Perhaps the OM is a slow learner. The employer deserves to know the character of the OM that they have in charge of people. He took your wife, you put a stain on his work record. Sounds reasonable to me.

 

Don't let anyone lay the blame on you. Yes, you were a part of the marriage and it eventually failed, but you have no degree of responsibility at all for her choosing to cheat emotionally or physically.

 

No man can "take" any women. she "gave"

[whammy]

[/b]

 

 

No offense...but this is the worst bit of advise I would ever give! For someone whose acting as self righteous as she...hell no! Want to make him appear like a weak, dependant man..than ya sure send this letter professing your love.

If you want to show her life does go on without her...than be a man...no contact until she gets her head out of her ass..and EXPOSE!

 

there is nothing manly about exposing.

[whammy]

She stated that she got a lawyer and filed for divorce today. States that she will pursue legal action if I expose at work. I said I will sue him for alienation of affection. She called me frantically today, worried and crying that if I expose the OM he will lose his job and ruin the rest of his career. I stated that I wasn't planning on exposing her. I still care about her and am trying not to hurt her. She said by doing this to OM I am hurting her. She is soooo worried about him. States that her filing for divorce has nothing to do with him, but due to he feelings of not being treated well for all those years. Then I said I want to make his life a living hell, and will do whatever I can to ruin his life. Granted my feelings change daily if not hourly, but at this point I dont know if what I'm doing is right or even worth it at this point. I think I'm starting to agree with people who say I should just move on given the short period of our marriage. This would be hundred times worse if we had kids and there's obviously no guarantees she wouldn't do this again in the future.

 

your going to sue someone because a woman doesnt love you anymore...wow dude...your definitely a republican!

 

real men dont sue people.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

portugesse princess80,

 

I am a bs as well, I think if someone is trying to keep their marriage together, and something like an affair happens, no one knows where they stand anymore, not all affairs break up marriages.

The wayward spouse is clearly not thinking the right way and because of their actions they may not know what the Bs's perspective is......

The letter is to just put out an olive branch to them letting them know that if they want to work together to save the marriage the option is there, this only takes place if the bs wants to stay married.

If the wayward is willing to end all contact with the AP, and wants to rebuild the marriage this way they know the Bs is willing, otherwise once they are gone they might just assume that the marriage can't be worked on. that's all. it's all for recovery if this the route the bs choses..........

the Bs is also hurt and confused it lets them feel like they are doing something in order to control some of the confusion they are feeling.

 

I am trying to understand it..but it still doesnt make any sense. As far as I'm concerned this relationship is done. If I was his wife in this scenario..I would be acting the same way..as he's given her every reason too with all this nice guy attitude..yet he claims he treated her like crap for years. Why the sudden turn around?

 

I am not saying all affairs break up marriages...I am living proof of that..but lowering yourself to someone who clearly wants nothing to do with me? Come on. Had your husband told you he doesnt want to be with you after you discovered the affair...would you sit around and beg him to stay? I know I wouldn't...I'd say don't let that door hit ya in the ass!

 

I understand he may love her..but it seems like her feelings have changed...and she simply doesnt want to give it a try. May she regret it later down the road..possibly. But right now...NO! Do you really think she cares what he has to say now...after years of treating her like crap? Hell NO! I am NOT blaming him whatsoever for the affair..thats just sick thinking..but she entered this affair hoping for an exit. And thats what she wants now. No letter pleading his love for her will do anything for him..except make him look like a fool!

Edited January 14, 2011 by PortuguesePrincess80

[1956peace]

If the BS decides he dosn't want the marriage to end and he understands that his WS is not thinking clearly and is in the middle of affair fog, then all the letter does is open the door for both of them somewhere down the road.

Every marriage is a two way street, I'm sure they both didn't treat each other the right way, they weren't filling each others needs that is why the affair probably could have happened.

Affairs have a way for couples to really self reflect as well.

In no way to I think that one should be a doormat for their partner, I am just saying that if you want to work on the marriage, because you feel like you have to a least give it one last shot and a lot of BS do feel this way.

Then you send the letter stating your feelings, setting out the boundaries you would be willing to work under and mapping out a plan for recovery.

Affairs are fantasy they aren't real relationships with all the real every problems life throws at us.......they fall apart pretty quickly when the exposure happens and when they have to fill all the emotional needs of the affair partner and every day life kicks in..........The wayward at this point starts to question what they have chosen for their lives and question whether they should have left the marriage..............

The door is open for communication at this point............you know yourself it's possible to work through something like this with a good plan.

In no way do I think that the BS life should just be waiting for the WS's return, the BS should get on with life and they should take care of theirself and start rebuilding their lives, if the WS end up that life again and it works for both the BS and the Ws that's good, if not the BS moves on with his/her life............

I'm a BS in this position and I did this myself, I was firm but layed the boundaries and the rules down in the beginning and then my WS came to his own conclusions as what life was his choice..........while he was choosing his life, I was moving on, separating our lives, financial, putting together a separation agreement, I think a few times I said, good luck with your life and your choices, I didn't just sit and wait, I moved forward, went on a trip with girlfriends..........he could see I was not just sitting around waiting for him, I was ready to have him gone for good.............there was nothing wimpy about it.............when he started to think about what he was doing he asked me about if I meant what i had said in the letter to him, was I willing to still work on our marriage if he followed the new rules and put the boundaries in place that I was requesting, this is how we started to find our way back to each other, my husband took 4 months to come to that.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

If the BS decides he dosn't want the marriage to end and he understands that his WS is not thinking clearly and is in the middle of affair fog, then all the letter does is open the door for both of them somewhere down the road.

Every marriage is a two way street, I'm sure they both didn't treat each other the right way, they weren't filling each others needs that is why the affair probably could have happened.

Affairs have a way for couples to really self reflect as well.

In no way to I think that one should be a doormat for their partner, I am just saying that if you want to work on the marriage, because you feel like you have to a least give it one last shot and a lot of BS do feel this way.

Then you send the letter stating your feelings, setting out the boundaries you would be willing to work under and mapping out a plan for recovery.

Affairs are fantasy they aren't real relationships with all the real every problems life throws at us.......they fall apart pretty quickly when the exposure happens and when they have to fill all the emotional needs of the affair partner and every day life kicks in..........The wayward at this point starts to question what they have chosen for their lives and question whether they should have left the marriage..............

The door is open for communication at this point............you know yourself it's possible to work through something like this with a good plan.

In no way do I think that the BS life should just be waiting for the WS's return, the BS should get on with life and they should take care of theirself and start rebuilding their lives, if the WS end up that life again and it works for both the BS and the Ws that's good, if not the BS moves on with his/her life............

I'm a BS in this position and I did this myself, I was firm but layed the boundaries and the rules down in the beginning and then my WS came to his own conclusions as what life was his choice..........while he was choosing his life, I was moving on, separating our lives, financial, putting together a separation agreement, I think a few times I said, good luck with your life and your choices, I didn't just sit and wait, I moved forward, went on a trip with girlfriends..........he could see I was not just sitting around waiting for him, I was ready to have him gone for good.............there was nothing wimpy about it.............when he started to think about what he was doing he asked me about if I meant what i had said in the letter to him, was I willing to still work on our marriage if he followed the new rules and put the boundaries in place that I was requesting, this is how we started to find our way back to each other, my husband took 4 months to come to that.

 

Well than I guess I see the difference in our experiences! I would NOT wait for 4 months to have him make a choice on us! I also wouldnt send him a letter. Period!

[dont-be-naive]

Thank you for your encouragement. I am working on composing a letter to their work to expose OM. I know I should expose both of them but now I'm feeling just that I should expose OM. I'm gonna sit on it for a day or two.

 

well why would you expose just the OM? Either expose them both, or don't at all. Because exposing him without who he is doing these things with will not hold any water.

 

is the OM a supervisor of hers? If so, the company needs to know so your so-called wife, willingly F'ing this guy or not, cannot sue the company for sexual harrassment.

[dont-be-naive]

your going to sue someone because a woman doesnt love you anymore...wow dude...your definitely a republican!

 

sorry, its people that want money for nothing and sue for stupid things that would do this, no offense abc.

 

and that would be the doings of a liberal.

[abc098]

sent email to workplace today...see what happens...

[dont-be-naive]

sent email to workplace today...see what happens...

 

you mean you sent an email to their boss?

 

yes, I'd be interested to know what reply you get, or what reaction you get from your stbX-lady of the night.

 

but if she threatens, don't sweat it. she doesn't have a leg to stand on (i'd throw in a pun intended here, but nah)

[2sunny]

sent email to workplace today...see what happens...

 

i hope you included her. she betrayed YOU- why should she be expected to NOT be held accountable for her actions as much as her OM?

 

she has given evidence of protecting her OM... why protect her at this point? call a spade a spade - she a cheat... you deserve better than that - be honest above all else.

 

speak your truth - you will only have peace of mind that way. do not allow her to bully you into silence for her gain... SHE created what she is getting!

 

remind her of that every time she questions your motives.

 

stay on an honest path!

[PortuguesePrincess80]

i hope you included her. she betrayed YOU- why should she be expected to NOT be held accountable for her actions as much as her OM?

 

she has given evidence of protecting her OM... why protect her at this point? call a spade a spade - she a cheat... you deserve better than that - be honest above all else.

 

speak your truth - you will only have peace of mind that way. do not allow her to bully you into silence for her gain... SHE created what she is getting!

 

remind her of that every time she questions your motives.

 

stay on an honest path!

 

 

Ha...I doubt he included her! He thinks theres hope!

[2sunny]

Ha...I doubt he included her! He thinks theres hope!

 

there is NO hope when his wife is showing clear evidence that she's willing to protect her OM over her H!

 

no chance at ALL! i hope the OP understands that her actions show him THAT clearly. it's over for the marriage. MOVE FORWARD!

[abc098]

email from here today:

also please understand that i am sorry for everything. i wish this marriage worked out. i feel sad about it. i still wonder if i couldve been better. but i just can't feel this way any longer. please understand that OM has nothing to do with the decision for ending the marriage. please try and understand that. i know its hard and its upsetting. but i do care about you and your well being. and i want you to be happy. maybe we were just not good for each other but i know there will be someone out there better for you than me. i felt like i told u when we would fight and when i would tell you i don't like how you treated me a certain way ... that was enough for me ... but i guess not for you ... that is both of our faults ... and sorry it happened this way.

 

i appreciate that you are willing to work on the marriage ... but my fear of our future is weights too heavily and i think that we have struggled/i have struggled for so long that a future will be the same. i don't want to have kids and be unhappy. and i don't want you to be with someone unhappy. you deserve a very happy/loving marriage/family.