too late?

[stillafool]

papers state that i have been guilty of extreme and repeated mental cruelty...that hurts...wish she had told me how much i was hurting her before all this...

 

She had to include that to back up the lies she has been telling her OM.

[Spark1111]

That, unfortunately, can be the quickest way to divorce, if it goes uncontested by you.

 

Find a decent lawyer, and do not allow yourself to be baited here.

 

If you contest those grounds, now the onus falls to you to prove you were NOT responsible for actions which caused her humiliation, embarrassment that rendered her in so much pain that she was unable to work or function.

 

Uh oh! Did she, will she get fired for her affair? Get some good legal advice. Get it now.

[whammy]

Dude, you have been screwed over. I've heard it all. The petty complaints about your behavior. The pathetic cliche "I want space". The lie "we only kissed". These are all huge warning signs of a full blown sexual affair. I wouldnt assume anything less, trust me, I have been there.

 

Your desire to out them is natural and just. The only reason not to expose them is if you want to build a life together. Because the more people know, the worse it is. But is that is not an option - ffor the same reason, **** them.

The two of them together conspired to screw you over. They have no leg to stand on and they know it. Revenge will make you feel better, despite what people may say. Expose them. No one likes a cheater. You'll hate OM no doubt. Well, no one likes a love rat. Expose him for the **** he is. Tell his parents, his boss, his colleagues, everyone. Make sure her parents know. They will still love her, but they will be mighty dissapointed in their little girl.

 

Unless you actually beat her, are a drug addict or boozer, trust me, people will take your side.

 

The things is, actions have consequences. Why should they get away with how they hurt you? The pain they have caused you will stay with you for the rest of your life. Trust me, I know.,

 

lame. her punishment would be losing her husband and getting her a$$ kicked in divorce court. Instead this man showed what a baby he is and actually gave her some leverage in court.

[abc098]

how did i give her leverage?

[Distant78]

how did i give her leverage?

 

Don't know about what the others are saying but from this point forth, make sure you DO NOT give her the upper hand. Don't allow her to paint you as some horrible man and do not allow her to trick you. Didn't she send you an email earlier saying something totally different than what she's saying in the divorce papers? Maybe that email she sent you could hold some weight if you still have it. This is why you must stay vigilant, to protect yourself. Your own wife is against you now and is trying to eliminate you. You better get your head in the game because now it's a war. She's no longer the person you knew. She's changed into someone else.

[2sunny]

papers state that i have been guilty of extreme and repeated mental cruelty...that hurts...wish she had told me how much i was hurting her before all this...

 

did you exhibit actions that support this accusation from her? be honest.

[Distant78]

did you exhibit actions that support this accusation from her? be honest.

 

What the hell? What do you mean be honest? She's cheating on him and conspiring with OM. She's doing nothing but rewriting history. Basically lying to save her own ass.

[dreamingoftigers]

Well, I do not know where you live. Obviously, it is not a no-default divorce state where everyone files under "irreconcilable differences."

 

So, she had to file something. You could counterfile with adultery? Look, don't get sucked into making lawyer's wealthy with an adversarial stance.

 

Of course she did not tell you. Cheaters are very poor communicators and wait around for someone to "rescue" them from their unhappiness.

 

You have your whole life ahead of you. Why not make, insist? this whole process be as quick and easy as possible so you can move on.

 

she's filing under irreconcilable but it also states the cruelty part in another section

 

She had to include that to back up the lies she has been telling her OM.

 

did you exhibit actions that support this accusation from her? be honest.

 

Dude I would counterfile with adultery even if it costs to preserve integrity. Save even email etc she has sent and lawyer up pronto.

 

She's not grieving anymore so you better have your "A" game.

[Spark1111]

she's filing under irreconcilable but it also states the cruelty part in another section

 

Look....all she confessed to is a kiss, which she can deny.

 

You have no other proof of an affair, correct?

 

To falsely accuse a spouse of an affair --false being the operative word based on proof-- and exposing it to the entire workplace...IS considered "cruel and extreme mental cruelty" under the law in some states.

 

Get an attorney. Today.

[abc098]

Someone asked me to be honest about the mental cruelty part. I did argue with her a lot, yelled etc. She would tell me to stop and I wouldn't. Arguing would be cathartic for me, getting everything out however she's the type of person that keeps everything in and would always cry. I just never knew how much it was hurting her until now. A big thing she's saying now is I would walk away when she was crying. In the last year or so yes I did that, I started becoming numb to the crying. She also states I wasn't treating her as an equal, calling her irresponsible at times. I was a stubborn fool who wasn't willing to change my behavior. If she wanted a divorce (without there being an affair as well), I guess I could understand, but I honestly don't think she would have asked for one if there wasn't an affair.

[abc098]

Proof of affair: she's told a few of her friends, have phone records, they've exchanged plenty of texts which we could always ask the phone company for records by court order, she's admitted it.

[Distant78]

Someone asked me to be honest about the mental cruelty part. I did argue with her a lot, yelled etc. She would tell me to stop and I wouldn't. Arguing would be cathartic for me, getting everything out however she's the type of person that keeps everything in and would always cry. I just never knew how much it was hurting her until now. A big thing she's saying now is I would walk away when she was crying. In the last year or so yes I did that, I started becoming numb to the crying. She also states I wasn't treating her as an equal, calling her irresponsible at times. I was a stubborn fool who wasn't willing to change my behavior. If she wanted a divorce (without there being an affair as well), I guess I could understand, but I honestly don't think she would have asked for one if there wasn't an affair.

 

Dude, that does not excuse her behavior. All that doesn't matter now. She's still at the moment, screwing you over.

[2sunny]

Someone asked me to be honest about the mental cruelty part. I did argue with her a lot, yelled etc. She would tell me to stop and I wouldn't. Arguing would be cathartic for me, getting everything out however she's the type of person that keeps everything in and would always cry. I just never knew how much it was hurting her until now. A big thing she's saying now is I would walk away when she was crying. In the last year or so yes I did that, I started becoming numb to the crying. She also states I wasn't treating her as an equal, calling her irresponsible at times. I was a stubborn fool who wasn't willing to change my behavior. If she wanted a divorce (without there being an affair as well), I guess I could understand, but I honestly don't think she would have asked for one if there wasn't an affair.

 

so moving forward - understand that you can learn from this. are you willing to do counseling to get past the pain from the impending divorce?

 

in counseling - can you change so that you don't do the same behavior to any woman you may spend time with in the future?

 

 

i am not saying any of this justifies her cheating... she COULD have gotten divorced before she cheated... i am trying to suggest a healthy way for you to grow and move forward so you can take your healthiest self into the future.

[abc098]

i've definitely learned a lot about myself..read 10-15 relationship books..basically everything we were doing was wrong...i have no problem doing counseling...i honestly think she would have been the best treated wife in the USA if we had worked it out but i guess that's moot right now...all my changes are for myself and my next wife at this point probably

[dont-be-naive]

I honestly see this as an extremely bad decision, that she is in the "fog" and like a drug addict. She is a good, sweet, caring person at heart, she's just forgotten it at the time being. At least that's the view I'm taking now.

 

sorry, but I just have to say it. boy, has she got you snowballed.

 

that letter must have done a number on you to have you go from desiring to expose, to this.

 

thats exactly why she wrote what she did. she knew you'd buy it.

 

i'm on your side on this my man, you do whatever you feel you need to. but i can tell you she is playing you like a fiddle and isn't hitting a wrong note.

[dont-be-naive]

papers state that i have been guilty of extreme and repeated mental cruelty...that hurts...wish she had told me how much i was hurting her before all this...

 

bah, she knows it isn't true. thats what the lawyers end up putting in there. Even though my x-wife cheated on me throughout the marriage(me only finding out about it all towards the end), called me names, told me that she wouldn't be surprised if I was cheated on by other girlfriends, etc. that I was the one mentally abusing her.

 

It gives them a "reason" to divorce and it is, with exceptions, bulls##t.

 

don't sweat it. its old lawyers tricks.

 

have your lawyer counter it saying it was just the opposite, just for your own peace of mind and matter of record for the courts.

 

you document her behavior prior to the sappy, load of crap letter, she sent you. She sent that letter to soften you up, an so that she can show in court that she is kind to you.

 

So you just document that she wasn't. But then again, looks like she may have brainwashed you with that letter. So question is, you going to fight back? Or let her smear your name?

[dont-be-naive]

she's filing under irreconcilable but it also states the cruelty part in another section

 

my attorney told me not to sweat it. that the judge realizes this kind of thing goes on all the time and most of the time its all bulls### when they file mental cruelty

[dont-be-naive]

Someone asked me to be honest about the mental cruelty part. I did argue with her a lot, yelled etc. She would tell me to stop and I wouldn't. Arguing would be cathartic for me, getting everything out however she's the type of person that keeps everything in and would always cry. I just never knew how much it was hurting her until now. A big thing she's saying now is I would walk away when she was crying. In the last year or so yes I did that, I started becoming numb to the crying. She also states I wasn't treating her as an equal, calling her irresponsible at times. I was a stubborn fool who wasn't willing to change my behavior. If she wanted a divorce (without there being an affair as well), I guess I could understand, but I honestly don't think she would have asked for one if there wasn't an affair.

 

thats not mental cruelty. infidelity, on the other hand, I believe is.

 

you show your attorney EVERYTHING! every letter, every email, no matter what it says in them, he/she needs to know every bit of correspondence that went on so they know how to defend you.

 

you document everything. start a log, give it to your lawyer. don't let the slime get away with it.

[Distant78]

sorry, but I just have to say it. boy, has she got you snowballed.

 

that letter must have done a number on you to have you go from desiring to expose, to this.

 

thats exactly why she wrote what she did. she knew you'd buy it.

 

i'm on your side on this my man, you do whatever you feel you need to. but i can tell you she is playing you like a fiddle and isn't hitting a wrong note.

 

Yup. This is a classic move from Cheaters101: Blameshifting.

[dont-be-naive]

so moving forward - understand that you can learn from this. are you willing to do counseling to get past the pain from the impending divorce?

 

in counseling - can you change so that you don't do the same behavior to any woman you may spend time with in the future?

 

 

i am not saying any of this justifies her cheating... she COULD have gotten divorced before she cheated... i am trying to suggest a healthy way for you to grow and move forward so you can take your healthiest self into the future.

 

you are acting like this was a one way street. they had arguments, and usually that happens because BOTH parties are in disagreement.

 

just like there was some yelling on both ends with my X-wife but it usually ended in me leaving the room because I was tired of the bickering, yet I was the one that supposedly abused her.

 

couples are going to have their fights. Unless he called her the big C, or all sorts of names, she doesn't get to call mental cruelty on him if they both were arguing, especially since she cheated, because in my opinion that is definitely mental cruelty.

[2sunny]

you are acting like this was a one way street. they had arguments, and usually that happens because BOTH parties are in disagreement.

 

just like there was some yelling on both ends with my X-wife but it usually ended in me leaving the room because I was tired of the bickering, yet I was the one that supposedly abused her.

 

couples are going to have their fights. Unless he called her the big C, or all sorts of names, she doesn't get to call mental cruelty on him if they both were arguing, especially since she cheated, because in my opinion that is definitely mental cruelty.

 

i think you misunderstood... here is how he described the way he participated...

 

Someone asked me to be honest about the mental cruelty part. I did argue with her a lot, yelled etc. She would tell me to stop and I wouldn't. Arguing would be cathartic for me, getting everything out however she's the type of person that keeps everything in and would always cry. I just never knew how much it was hurting her until now. A big thing she's saying now is I would walk away when she was crying. In the last year or so yes I did that, I started becoming numb to the crying. She also states I wasn't treating her as an equal, calling her irresponsible at times. I was a stubborn fool who wasn't willing to change my behavior. If she wanted a divorce (without there being an affair as well), I guess I could understand, but I honestly don't think she would have asked for one if there wasn't an affair.

 

 

continuing to yell at someone when they are emotionally distraught and crying isn't kind and loving behavior.

 

this is what i am encouraging the OP to work on... to participate in a healthy way when he has a disagreement with them... not being mean or by yelling - but to state his opinion and perspective without hurting the other person by doing so.

[Distant78]

i think you misunderstood... here is how he described the way he participated...

 

 

 

 

continuing to yell at someone when they are emotionally distraught and crying isn't kind and loving behavior.

 

this is what i am encouraging the OP to work on... to participate in a healthy way when he has a disagreement with them... not being mean or by yelling - but to state his opinion and perspective without hurting the other person by doing so.

 

And do you honestly think he needs to work on that now? There are bigger problems he must deal with than a couple of arguments they both had together, like any other normal couple. Whatever problems they've had does not excuse her to treat him like trash and conspire with the dude that is partially responsible for damaging their marriage.

[dont-be-naive]

Yup. This is a classic move from Cheaters101: Blameshifting.

 

actually not talking about the blameshifting. I'm talking about her sweeter than pie letter she sent him begging him not to expose and playing up the pleasantries, when her former interaction with him was just the opposite.

 

she is trying to soften him up, and it worked.

[dont-be-naive]

continuing to yell at someone when they are emotionally distraught and crying isn't kind and loving behavior.

 

 

ok, fair enough. maybe we can ask abc to tell us WHY they were having arguments?

 

i can tell you, although I more avoided confrontation, that when me and my X fought and we both yelled, I tended to leave the room.

 

why were we yelling? because of her suspicious behavior, of which at the time I had no proof of infidelity.

 

so why was he yelling? Was she going out on him?

 

now if it was because the pork roast wasn't cooked just right, then yes, I'd say it was mental cruelty on his part.

 

if it was because she was exhibiting suspicious behavior, as cheaters do, then he would have been justifiably angry. And because cheating can really do a number on someone's emotions, people don't react the best sometimes.

 

so maybe it would be fairer to say if you think he was mentally abusive, then perhaps she was as well and their behavior just fueled the other's.

[2sunny]

And do you honestly think he needs to work on that now? There are bigger problems he must deal with than a couple of arguments they both had together, like any other normal couple. Whatever problems they've had does not excuse her to treat him like trash and conspire with the dude that is partially responsible for damaging their marriage.

 

she served him with divorce papers - moving forward i am suggesting things that he can DO to improve the way he participates - so that he can learn what healthy participation looks like for him...