Wife wants legal separation - I'm devastated

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I too agree that you should point your arrow in a different direction, and actually be able to say later that you became motivated by her (although perhaps too late FOR her).

 

Get your act together and direct your ship toward your future, finally having understood just how you needed to adjust to improve yourself suitably.

 

Steady interaction with her at this point will only serve to aggravate her further in the near term and greatly reduce any hope you could have of getting back with her in the future.

[workingonit]

So I did some digging.

 

I called our mutual friend tonight to ask her about this situation. She is one of my wife's closest friends. She has been checking in on her and talking to her almost every day.

 

My wife still loves me. There is no one else. And yes she would tell me if there was.

 

She is with my wife now. She said that my wife is doing very badly and making irrational decisions. Her advice to me was to give her space. She thinks the separation is a bad idea and has told my wife this.

 

She said that my wife snapped. I don't know if she had a nervous breakdown or what. The horrible thing is that I knew this was coming. She had said lots of things like "I can't do this for very much longer" "I can't live this life much longer" "I'm going to have a nervous breakdown unless something changes" "one of these days it will be too late"

 

I can't believe that I did nothing about this. I didn't know what to do. I was just being me and I was a great guy. I thought the way I was acting was ok, and that she was just depressed. I had no accountability.

 

So basically my wife feels that if we got back together it would be the same as always. My friend said if you came home now things would really be over. "Really be over?" I thought they already were. She said this a few times in our conversation.

 

Also my wife has lost herself and needs to rediscover/redefine herself. To my wife this is more important than anything in the world, including our marriage. This is a matter of survival to her. She feels that she cannot do this while in our marriage. She of course is picturing the old version of the marriage in which she had a nervous breakdown, serious clinical depression and a selfish husband who didn't really listen to her. She also knows that she might lose me in the process.

 

Now I understand why she is so upset and scared and torn. She feels that she has no choice. That this is the lesser of two evils. Maybe there is an element of her wanting just to be selfish for a bit as well, but I don't think it's that shallow.

 

My friend said that my wife doesn't want me to sit on the sidelines and wait for us to get back together. She feels that I won't make any real changes if I know it's just a matter of time until we are together again. A little gamey but I get it.

 

I think in her perfect world we would go our separate ways and reunite as better happier more complete versions of ourselves.

 

So I feel a little better knowing that my wife loves me and that there is no one else.

 

She is choosing her over us. I know this is coming from a desperate place of survival.

 

So, I guess all I can do is stick to the plan. Don't try to change her mind. Don't show weakness or too much emotion. Move on with my life.

 

I will admit that I want to be with her. I will be going through the motions a bit. I don't think it would be healthy to date anyone anytime soon anyway.

 

I realize that she might meet someone and so might I.

[hanging on for now]

If she told you she wants a legal separation you should give it to her. Don't stick around and don't even show her you are hurt. Act like its a piece of cake and like you don't care. If she didn't want you then you know what? Too bad for her, its her loss. Thats what I think. Well, it just seems that if you stick around you'll drive her away more (thats what happened with my ex I pushed her away by sticking around). Show her no pain and move on. If later on she sees she loves you and made a mistake leaving you then being together will be by your terms not hers. It'll be hard but if I could change something about how my relationship went it would be how I acted with her and how I showed her my pain and vulnerability. If you do the same believe me you'll regret it too some day.

 

I love it where all these post say, act like you don't care. Isn't that how you got to this place? I wonder if you posted you had a revolver with one bullet. Would they suggest you put it to your temple and pull the trigger? Call the guns bluff? I'm separated, not of my choice. I decided 2 things early on and stuck to them. I have been completely transparent on everything with my wife. No surprises from my side, none what-so-ever. Second, I have told her and showed her that I was remorseful for the ways I wronged her and like you have changed what I could. She is slowly coming around. At least now, the trust issue toward me should be better and she knows without a shadow of a doubt that I love her, yearn for her and want us together. The casual poster will say I'm a wimp or a push over. Well at the end of the day, I very well may get my wife back. And if that's the case, I don't give a rats ass what they post or think. I know it's tough. I'm walking beside you.

[robf1971]

So I did some digging.

 

. She is one of my wife's closest friends.

 

Don't believe what she says

[robf1971]

needs to rediscover/redefine herself. .

 

How about you rediscover and redefine yourself, you can't control what your wife does.

[BlindRage]

So I did some digging.

 

. She is one of my wife's closest friends.

 

Don't believe what she says

 

 

 

Hahaha that made me laugh. There is a lot of truth behind it though.

[workingonit]

How about you rediscover and redefine yourself, you can't control what your wife does.

That's exactly what I've been doing. I will admit there are times when I wonder am I doing this for me or because I want her to see these changes. My therapist said don't worry about that. The action is the same, keep doing the action. The action being the self improvement overhaul I have been on.

[workingonit]

So I did some digging.

 

. She is one of my wife's closest friends.

 

 

 

Hahaha that made me laugh. There is a lot of truth behind it though.

 

I know you guys think I am crazy. She is one of my closest friends as well. She also wants us to stay together and has told my wife that this is a mistake.

[divorce2010]

I have to agree with a lot of the others. Once they start saying you just don't understand, you just start defending yourself, it's over. From what I've seen, it also seems that women are the first ones to start dating whether they're just dating or married. Move on, you'll be happier. I was after divorce.

[workingonit]

Well, I'm back. So, long story short. There was another man, she is pregnant, she is not keeping it, she has begged for me to reconcile.

 

I won't be home for a few weeks. I told her I am beyond devastated and hurt. I told her I care about her very much and I will try couples counseling with her when I return home.

 

She hadn't told the mutual friend about the guy until she told me as well. We were on our way to getting back together, things were really turning around. We were looking at new apartments and excited to be back together. Then she missed her period, took a test etc. She is beyond apologetic and is willing to do anything to save this. She said she was with this person twice and realized what a big mistake it was. After this is when she started talking about getting back together. This was about a week ago. I think the last time she saw him was two weeks ago.

 

She had no intention of telling me about him since it was over. Once she found out she was pregnant she immediately called me in hysterics.

 

I know that people can overcome affairs. She is very remorseful for hurting me. She realizes how much of a mistake it was. She also insists that it wasn't "cheating" since we were separated. I told her it hurts the same since my heart was always with her and I never questioned my love for her.

 

So, I've read forum after forum regarding this and the consensus seems to be;

 

If the separation was heading to divorce then it's not cheating

If the separation was temporary with intention to reconcile, then it is cheating

 

We were separated because she needed to figure things out and put herself first for once.

 

So it seems it was neither. I realize it's semantics at this point. She did something she felt was necessary in this process, she realizes it was a huge mistake and I am devastated by it as well.

 

I told my therapist about it and he supports my decision to try couples counseling with her. I told him i can't imagine kissing her, let alone ever touching her ever again. All I can picture is the OM. And yes I found a picture online if him. Jealous husbands are resourceful.

 

I know it's possible for couples to get past infidelity and even be stronger, has anyone out there had success in this? I can't imagine getting this horrible image out of my mind.

[marqueemoon4]

WOW... just wow. I'm sorry but you'd have to be a complete doormat to take her back after that. Seriously.

[carhill]

 

If you have no children, I'd file and request mediation.

 

I have a special place in my heart for people who f*ck other people during a marriage, 'separation' or not.

 

Imagine if you were declaring your love for another woman and doing the dickinsider while you and W were 'separated' and that woman got pregnant. Your wife would do ....what? LOL.

 

End it. Like our psychologist said, it's time to make a decision.

[workingonit]

She did make clear to me during the separation that she would potentially be dating and so should I, so I can't really say she mislead me.

 

I knew I'd get a lot of responses calling me a doormat.

 

My question was, has anyone gotten past anything like this? I've heard many accounts of couples who have had a partner blindsided by an affair and bounce back even stronger. As hard as it seems, I'd like to try to get past this.

Is my psychologist a quack? Does he want me to suffer? He seems to think it's a perfectly reasonable plan.

 

Obviously I still really love her. I know you guys are all trying to help. I can't help but think that this might be the time where she really has hit bottom and is willing to work and change.

[What_Next]

She is trickle truthing. She was seeing this person before you "seperated". You know this already but your heart won't allow you to accept it. She was only with him "twice", sorry bullsh_t. Pure and simple bullsh_t.

 

As to your question about reconciling after an affair, yes. I am one. I have thus far managed to reconcile. However, it began with complete truth. My wife initially played the game of half truths. I would not accept it and did not stop until I received the full story. IMHO it can only begin with truth. Also if she had of been pregnant there is no way in he__ I would have ever reconciled.

[carhill]

The operative question is did she love you when she was having unprotected sex with another man and getting pregnant by him? It takes two people with love for each other to recover successfully. Love is a choice in action.

 

What's your plan for recovery? Ask your psychologist to help you lay that out at your next meeting. Write it down.

 

My QD..

1. NC with OM

2. STD testing

3. Cohabitation immediately

4. Full bi-lateral transparency

5. IC for W (continue your IC)

6. MC for couple with a psychologist who specializes in recovery from infidelity

 

Figure between 5 and 10 grand on MC/IC unless you've got killer psych insurance (I spent 5 and still got divorced) and a couple years to recover in any meaningful way.

 

Lastly, I think there are going to be more revelations coming. Tip of the iceberg. Strap in. Good luck

[workingonit]

She is trickle truthing. She was seeing this person before you "seperated". You know this already but your heart won't allow you to accept it. She was only with him "twice", sorry bullsh_t. Pure and simple bullsh_t.

 

As to your question about reconciling after an affair, yes. I am one. I have thus far managed to reconcile. However, it began with complete truth. My wife initially played the game of half truths. I would not accept it and did not stop until I received the full story. IMHO it can only begin with truth. Also if she had of been pregnant there is no way in he__ I would have ever reconciled.

 

I know she met this guy after I left. He is in another state so I know she couldn't have seen him. She did meet him online so I guess it's possible she was in contact online before I left.

 

I will get all the answers from her. I kind of decided that I was going to leave it alone until we are in therapy. I will not let it slide, I have conversations written down and dated and will make sure I'm getting the whole story or the deal is off. The deal by the way is that I'm not divorcing her, I'm willing to try counseling to see how it goes.

 

The pregnancy certainly makes it even harder. Although I don't know if it would hurt any less had some biological process failed internally. I'm choosing not to read into any kind of cosmic symbolism by her getting pregnant. At the very least, it compelled her to tell me about him. We were apartment shopping two days ago. I would have never known. Actually my shrink was puzzled as to why she told me at all, so were her friends.

[carhill]

Why don't you contact the OM and talk with him? Get the 'other side' of the story?

 

My instinct is the other man is either married and/or did not want the responsibility of the child they made together and this caused their 'union' to wane so she's back with you by default.

 

Man, I hope you are young and have a lot of time. Good luck

[What_Next]

Don't make any life changing decisions right now.

 

For heavens sake, DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HER! Don't!! Not right now.

 

Keep the status quo, leave things as they are.

 

Get in touch with what you really want before deciding anything.

[carhill]

Since his W opined that being 'separated' was carte blanche for dickinsider, what 'rules' can they apply to their 'separate' living arrangements to contravene this potential and how would compliance with those rules be verified/enforced?

 

If you wish to remain living 'across the state', OP, what's your plan? Or, if not, can you afford to maintain separate domiciles in the same locale? How will that work? Lots of stuff to work out

[workingonit]

The operative question is did she love you when she was having unprotected sex with another man and getting pregnant by him? It takes two people with love for each other to recover successfully. Love is a choice in action.

 

What's your plan for recovery? Ask your psychologist to help you lay that out at your next meeting. Write it down.

 

My QD..

1. NC with OM

2. STD testing

3. Cohabitation immediately

4. Full bi-lateral transparency

5. IC for W (continue your IC)

6. MC for couple with a psychologist who specializes in recovery from infidelity

 

Figure between 5 and 10 grand on MC/IC unless you've got killer psych insurance (I spent 5 and still got divorced) and a couple years to recover in any meaningful way.

 

Lastly, I think there are going to be more revelations coming. Tip of the iceberg. Strap in. Good luck

 

 

Thanks carhill for the list. Most of these things have been discussed and agreed to already. I can't be home for a few weeks. Maybe I'll have her call me every night so I know she hasn't left town. Now she swears to me that she's done with this guy, but I'm sure a lot of people have said that to a lot of partners.

 

We do have very good insurance, so that's one good thing.

 

She has been tested and is fine. I told her that HIV can be dormant for six months so that is a factor. My therapist said that as a straight male, the six month waiting period might be overkill.

 

Does anyone out there feel that she had the right to "date" in whatever capacity she did while we were separated. She did make it clear at one point (actually the date of my first post) that the marriage was over and she wanted to proceed with legally separating. She didn't want to divorce due to some tax advantages.

 

In retrospect, I'll bet I got the "it's over" phone call right after she ****ed this dirtbag for the first time. She says it happened on two occasions. He lives in another state. Maybe she had the decency to call me first and then go drive to meet this guy. Does the timeline even matter at this point?

 

I just know that when we discuss these kind of things she vacillates between deep regret and defensiveness. I feel like we won't get anywhere without a counselor. She just clings to "quit saying I cheated, we were separated" I realize she needs this to sleep at night. I also realize she is in probably the worst position ever in her life, full of pregnancy hormones, and devastated about an imminent abortion.

 

Through all of this I still care about her and wish I could help her. Guess I better step up the CODA meetings.

[workingonit]

Why don't you contact the OM and talk with him? Get the 'other side' of the story?

 

My instinct is the other man is either married and/or did not want the responsibility of the child they made together and this caused their 'union' to wane so she's back with you by default.

 

Man, I hope you are young and have a lot of time. Good luck

 

I found the OM on the dating site she said she met him on. He is divorced. She said he wants to keep the baby and wants custody. She told him she is terminating.

 

She told me she found a guy who was the polar opposite of me because that's what she was missing in us.

 

She said she realized that I was the greatest guy she would ever find and it was so clear to her now. She actually told me this last week, before she knew she was pregnant.

[carhill]

OK, here's a tough question. Are you going to be there with her for her abortion?

 

At this point, right now, how much of your 'talk' has been in person, face to face?

 

 

I honestly think this is the first time I've read on LS about an OM wanting to keep a child of a 'whatever' relationship and seek sole custody. Something new every day.

Edited February 15, 2011 by carhill

[workingonit]

OK, here's a tough question. Are you going to be there with her for her abortion?

 

At this point, right now, how much of your 'talk' has been in person, face to face?

 

 

I honestly think this is the first time I've read on LS about an OM wanting to keep a child of a 'whatever' relationship and seek sole custody. Something new every day.

 

I'd bet my life that he's in love with her

[carhill]

Perhaps, remarkably similar to a near fatal encounter I had with a MW 25 some odd years ago. Luckily, or perhaps unluckily for her 'separated' husband, she was f*cking her boss at the time and I became the tampon in that dynamic. I laugh at myself now about wanting to live my life and make babies with her. Dolt.

 

Anyway, the OM is irrelevant. She's terminating and he's out of the picture. How are you going to handle the next month?

 

If you haven't done so, I suggest reading this thread. Perhaps parts of it will help with clarity....

Edited February 15, 2011 by carhill

[workingonit]

 

Anyway, the OM is irrelevant. She's terminating and he's out of the picture. How are you going to handle the next month?

 

 

Not sure how I'm going to handle it. I feel like I'm going to throw up, I can't catch my breath, I'm dizzy and my palms are soaked.

 

I'm about to talk to her on the phone shortly. I'm going to get some answers about the timeline. My challenge will be to remain calm and not attack her. I just want the facts so I can try to move past this. I don't want any surprises knocking me emotionally back to square one on the healing process.