lola Posted March 20, 2004 Share Posted March 20, 2004 The more relationships I have the more hopeless it seems. My first relationship was with an emotionally distant with the odd bouts of closeness. He never wanted phone contact claiming he didn't like phones, nor holding hands. So for a whole year we never called eachother except for arrangements to meet up. He didn't like close love talk so we didn't do that either. When I realized he didn't want a love relationship I ended it. Lesson learned= don't call or bother men,don't try to initiate, they will tell you what they want when they want it. Don't talk about love until they do. And no emotionally distant men who are afraid of giving and recieving love. Believe them when they say they don't feel love. My second relationship was with a very enthusiastic and impulsive guy. He would call me 5 times a day. Was very emotionally open, lots of loving words. He would hound me for words of reassurance to how I felt. The more reassured of my love he felt the less he called. Then as soon as he won my heart his interest dwindled. This relationship lasted 6 months. Lesson learned: Don't believe words of love, and don't reassure someone you love them no matter how much they seem to want it. so armed with these two lessons I entered my third relationship. He was enthusiastic in his pursuit to win my heart. He would call me every few days. Then as we got closer he would call me every day. We would spend most of the weekend together. So far so good, seemed balanced, seemed to progress naturally, he was enthsuaistic yet not demanding reassurance from me before I felt anything. He was also emotionally open and interested in discussing our relationship on a deeper level, not just love and romance more about lessons learned about love and that he wanted to be in a long-term relationship with someone special. That it needed effort and communication. He sounded great, mature and wanting what most women truly want. He waited 4 months to tell me he loved me. Soon after that he complained about everything I did or didn't do. He complained I didn't call him, I didn't initiate visits or outings, he complained about my outfits, the colours I wore, he over-reacted if I disagreed with anything he wanted to do or with anything he said, and he seemed to hate it if I went out with my friends. He never complained of any of this for 5 and a half months and I didn't understand what happened as in between he was talking of our future and that we could get married. I had initiated some calls and outings but he always turned me down or would wit hours to answer my messages and it put me off doing it...This relationship lasted 6 and a half months and he stated his reasons as being most of the above complaints. Plus that I never talked when he brought up marriage. But I did talk, I felt it was a discussion but he didn't seem to for some reason. Lesson learned: Don't believe words of love and the future, call men? initiate more?Be more loving?Give more than I did? So what do I do so a relationship lasts and so I don't scare them away or put them off me leading them to reject me? Call? don't call? initiate? don't initiate? Tell them how you feel? Don't tell them how you feel? Don't believe what they are telling you if they say they love you? But believe them when they say they don't love you? I am soooo confused. I am afraid to get into another relationship. Anything I do or don't do seems to be wrong. I don't understand how I am supposed to behave. I don't know what I am supposed to believe. I am age 30 and clueless. Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted March 20, 2004 Share Posted March 20, 2004 I think you are 30 and you've been dealt some rotten apples LOL. I don't mean to make your experiences sound trivial and/or humorous and light. It just looks like with each relationship the pendulum swung from one end to the other. I say go with your instincts. I have always waited for the guy/man to profess their love first. BUT, you can't make it so that they dominate the relationship or are in charge of it. I get the feeling that due to your previous experiences that may have been what happened in your last relationship. Based on past experiences, you were scared about anything you did. At this point, refrain from a relationship. Use this time alone to figure out what YOU want in/from a relationship. This will put the ball in your court and allow you to pick and choose. The criteria will be yours and yours alone. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 20, 2004 Share Posted March 20, 2004 Call? don't call? initiate? don't initiate? Tell them how you feel? Don't tell them how you feel? Don't believe what they are telling you if they say they love you? But believe them when they say they don't love you? Oh, my dear! Welcome to the wonderful world of men. They say we're hard to figure out, but you have just demonstrated how and why they can be every bit as frustrating and crazy-making. How do you figure out if you've got one that needs reassurance and will run if he feels neglected from one who wants you to seem aloof? How can you believe them when they speak of love? Wish they'd come with manuals. Link to post Share on other sites
reasontosigh Posted March 20, 2004 Share Posted March 20, 2004 Have you noticed lately when you go to buy clothes and check the washing instructions that they're more in symbols than words? It would be nice if men came with similar "care instructions". Would certainly make an interesting looking tattoo! Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted March 20, 2004 Share Posted March 20, 2004 The manuals we have in regard for other people are our instincts Link to post Share on other sites
BrainRightHeartWrong Posted March 20, 2004 Share Posted March 20, 2004 It would be nice if men came with similar "care instructions". would be nice also for females to display such things and to display it in which a man can understand it instead of spending 1/2 our lives taking vague hints etc. tut tut Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 20, 2004 Share Posted March 20, 2004 I'll display mine if you'll display yours... Link to post Share on other sites
BrainRightHeartWrong Posted March 20, 2004 Share Posted March 20, 2004 The more reassured of my love he felt the less he called. Then as soon as he won my heart his interest dwindled absense makes the heart grow fonder as soon as you were more loving to him the less of a challenge you were lola you are in the same team as many women and men ( me included ), females treat men badly too and men experience the same crap as women you cannot apply your experience to your next relationship for your own good, i have dated burnt women and they scare me off due to their cynical attitude which i can always read! LOVE LIKE YOU HAVE NEVER LOVED BEFORE if you don't give it your all you cannot reach your target! I am soooo confused. I am afraid to get into another relationship. Anything I do or don't do seems to be wrong. I don't understand how I am supposed to behave. I don't know what I am supposed to believe many of us are afraid to stick our necks out there again, it took me 3 1/2 years to get over a relationship and start another one, you just haven't met the right person yet!!!!!!!! behave like you want to, just be yourself and follow your heart but always listen and consider what your partner wants and what you want a successful relationship is a compromise afterall and compromise can add to the relationship Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted March 20, 2004 Share Posted March 20, 2004 Welcome to the wonderful world of men. Moimeme, Glad you're finally giving credit where credit is due! I 'll feel so much better now whe I show you mine first. Link to post Share on other sites
BrainRightHeartWrong Posted March 20, 2004 Share Posted March 20, 2004 Wish they'd come with manuals. you really need to know where a man's gearbox is moimeme? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 20, 2004 Share Posted March 20, 2004 That's not the head I need the manual for Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 20, 2004 Share Posted March 20, 2004 quote:Welcome to the wonderful world of men. Moimeme, Glad you're finally giving credit where credit is due! Do you only ever read the first bit of every post? (ducks) Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted March 20, 2004 Share Posted March 20, 2004 LOL <sitting back and waiting> Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted March 20, 2004 Share Posted March 20, 2004 I only read the rational parts. Selective hearing: man's greatest accomplishment. Keeps me sane. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 20, 2004 Share Posted March 20, 2004 Keeps me sane. ! Link to post Share on other sites
lola Posted March 20, 2004 Share Posted March 20, 2004 To BrainRightHeartWrong I am happy to say I am not cynical. However I am confused and scared. It's reassuring to hear that it could be that I have not met the right one yet. Maybe when it's the right one it's the right fit, the right combination of personalities. Similar levels of communication and needs plus lots of listening, effort and compromise on both sides. I believe if you treat someone with respect and trust you are being true to yourself and true to them. I guess my trust is little shaky now becuase I have heard professions of love but have had no proof of it...I have heard professions of maturity and making the effort required for a relationship only to find that it was all talk, all lies... It feels like I have been given empty promises which I only realize were empty because they leave out of the blue while I love them and believe they love me back and that we are happy and have what we want. I guess I am tired of getting a broken heart when it seems I have a loving relationship that we both want and makes both of us happy. And that's scary to face again. The whole journey of getting to that point in a relationship only to find out it was all a lie. To find out he was lying about his love for me. This it what makes it hard to trust. I don't have to let a man dictate how the relationship will be. I already decided that I will carry on being who I am in the relationship and as long as I treat a person with kindness, caring and respect, anything about me they don't like means we are not a good match. But this does not solve the problem of trust. How am I ever to believe a single word or action that a man makes ever again when a man can keep it up for months on end and then suddenly decide he doesn't want or love me after all and leave out of the blue while all was seemingly good? Without trust and the ability to believe what a person says or does how am I ever going to be able to get close to someone again? How do I really know if he really feels close and is true about his love for me when words and actions seem to mean nothing and can't be depended on at all... I am not cynical, I have been thrown off-balance. I am scared. I cannot trust my judgements or senses anymore. What else is there to beleive?? Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 I am glad to hear that you are not cynical because that to me would mean you are bitter. You have every reason to be skeptical and cautious based on the extremes you've been through. I do believe it's all about finding the right person. When the time comes for you to be in another relationship, do your best to LISTEN to what your instincts tell you. There should be no confusion. If you feel confused, it might be due to the fact that you are trying to reason with what you should do (based on instinct). Love, what a complicated mess! Link to post Share on other sites
lola Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 thankyou Fedup&givingup "I do believe it's all about finding the right person." "LISTEN to what your instincts tell you." "There should be no confusion. If you feel confused, it might be due to the fact that you are trying to reason with what you should do (based on instinct)" Excellent advice...Thankyou Link to post Share on other sites
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