Three Months After Breakup

[GreenPolicy]

My story is here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t253770/

 

I'd like to say that I'm completely healed up and all better now, but I'm not. I still have a long ways to go. I have made progress, because I am well past the shock, denial and bargaining. I think that I should count it as progress that I am in the depression stage. That tells me I am in the last stage before acceptance.

 

What changes have I made? I go to the gym regularly so I am not sitting at home alone every night. I have made an effort to reconnect with old friends and strengthen existing relationships. I landed a volunteer position at an animal shelter. I go to counseling sessions regularly. I have a trip to San Francisco later this month for my birthday to look forward to. I have set up some dates through online dating. I go to Al-Anon Meetings (my dad is an alcoholic, and my ex left me two days after we put him in a rehab facility. Talk about kicking me when I was down). I understand I need to get involved in things, that the only thing that will get me out of this despair is hope. Not hope to get back together, but hope for what kind of life I can have without my ex.

 

I still hurt. I understand that even if she did come back, which is highly unlikely, we could not go back to what we had. I would never feel at peace, walking on eggshells wondering when she'd leave me again. I have spent a lot of time trying to "understand" how a person in a relatively short space of time can go from being in love with you, wanting to get married, can make all sorts of unprecedented gestures that she never made with any of the other guys she dated, to wanting completely out. I know that this is a decision she contemplated for weeks, not months, and that it is not a coincidence that our r/l fell apart right when I began to solidify plans to get formally engaged. It is hard having to accept that there are no answers, that there is nothing to understand. It is hard work trying to get your heart to catch up to your head. So many people have told me that my ex is not an emotionally stable person, that while my heart is broken, I am truly lucky to have gotten out of this before it went any further. My brain can process that, but so far my heart is very resistant to that idea.

 

Does anybody else have any more coping ideas? My therapist told me that it's good that I'm doing all these things, they will pay off eventually, but in the short term it really won't make a difference as far as the pain dissipating. I understand that usually the way these things work is that the dumper falls out of love, loses interest over time, emotionally checks out long before they actually physically leave, etc. I want to get rid of these feelings of maddening powerlessness and frustration. I don't want to be spending all my time trying to figure out and be haunted by my ex. And yet it's hard.

 

The last three months have been really hard.

 

October 14th, 2010 - dad goes into rehab

October 16th, 2010 - ex leaves me

mid-November - dad gets out of rehab, starts to drink again, nothing has changed

New Years 2011 - my 90 year old grandfather's health takes a turn for the worse and he goes into a nursing home.

 

I've been in a world of hurt for some time now. The b/u is just so emotionally inconsistent with the r/l that preceded it. You sit your parents and tell them I'm the guy you want to marry and I'm different from all the guys that came before, you introduce me to your biological father after having nothing to do with him for years because you wanted him to meet your future husband, you pushed for our parents to meet each other so they'd get to know their future in-laws, and then right as I made plans to formally propose, you bailed. You left me when I needed you the most. You never expressed any dissatisfaction with me or the r/l.

 

Am I the crazy one here? Or is it her?

[0hpenelope]

Does anybody else have any more coping ideas? My therapist told me that it's good that I'm doing all these things, they will pay off eventually, but in the short term it really won't make a difference as far as the pain dissipating. I understand that usually the way these things work is that the dumper falls out of love, loses interest over time, emotionally checks out long before they actually physically leave, etc. I want to get rid of these feelings of maddening powerlessness and frustration. I don't want to be spending all my time trying to figure out and be haunted by my ex. And yet it's hard.

Sorry to hear that you've had things rough on you, bud. That pain that your therapist is talking about is one I'm familiar with and it honestly took me 1 1/2 years to finally get over that hurt. I really hope it doesn't take you that long because looking back, I closed myself to opportunities - not dating opportunities - that would have helped me regain happiness in life sooner.

 

I don't really know if this is a good coping strategy or whatnot, but for this most recent break-up, I literally obsessed myself with the idea of not hurting for a prolonged period of time. Because while knowing that he's not worth thinking about, I was doing the most damage to me by moping and dwelling. My mom told me "You will lose. You dwell in this for much longer, you will lose and he will not be affected by you. You're the only one who is affected by this." She gave me a heavy walloping of tough love and kicked my butt into gear. From then on, I obsessed about healing, moving on.

 

Nowadays, I barely think of when he broke up with me (out of the blue, as well), lost track of dates and time... I just know he didn't want to be with me anymore. Whenever I see or hear something that reminds me of him, I immediately switch my thoughts to something else. Outwardly changes are easy to fake: the mind is the problem and that's where I exerted most of my efforts. Post-Its notes on my wall, writing thoughts on my journal. I haven't re-read any of those entries; I just wanted a brain dump. Quotes from LS? Got it, writing it down in my journal. All of his "100% honest" (his words, not mine) explanations? Down the f*cking drain, because they will never give me closure. For every thought I have of him, I tell myself "I'm done. I'm done. I don't want to know, I'm done." When I feel down about myself, I tell myself "Look up," and I do look up and it feels so much better than having my head bowed down.

 

That 3 month NC is a much bigger deal than you can appreciate right now, I'm sure. You know it's a big deal and for now, that's good enough. The pain goes away, it really does. You were able to hit the 3-month benchmark, make another 3 months. Keep going, don't stop, keep moving forward and away from her.

[selena_cat]

coping means reach out, talk about it,to therapists,to close friends,and to members here! you have to get the hurt out of you in order to heal.

Also your question to how can one person say they love you make gestures and bail out,, its called commitmentphobic or phobia.

If you google and read books about it you'll read how people come on strong,and bail out.

Reading helps,and enjoy your trip to San Fran,i wish i was there again,and i'm in Hawaii

[GreenPolicy]

Sorry to hear that you've had things rough on you, bud. That pain that your therapist is talking about is one I'm familiar with and it honestly took me 1 1/2 years to finally get over that hurt. I really hope it doesn't take you that long because looking back, I closed myself to opportunities - not dating opportunities - that would have helped me regain happiness in life sooner.

 

I don't really know if this is a good coping strategy or whatnot, but for this most recent break-up, I literally obsessed myself with the idea of not hurting for a prolonged period of time. Because while knowing that he's not worth thinking about, I was doing the most damage to me by moping and dwelling. My mom told me "You will lose. You dwell in this for much longer, you will lose and he will not be affected by you. You're the only one who is affected by this." She gave me a heavy walloping of tough love and kicked my butt into gear. From then on, I obsessed about healing, moving on.

 

Nowadays, I barely think of when he broke up with me (out of the blue, as well), lost track of dates and time... I just know he didn't want to be with me anymore. Whenever I see or hear something that reminds me of him, I immediately switch my thoughts to something else. Outwardly changes are easy to fake: the mind is the problem and that's where I exerted most of my efforts. Post-Its notes on my wall, writing thoughts on my journal. I haven't re-read any of those entries; I just wanted a brain dump. Quotes from LS? Got it, writing it down in my journal. All of his "100% honest" (his words, not mine) explanations? Down the f*cking drain, because they will never give me closure. For every thought I have of him, I tell myself "I'm done. I'm done. I don't want to know, I'm done." When I feel down about myself, I tell myself "Look up," and I do look up and it feels so much better than having my head bowed down.

 

That 3 month NC is a much bigger deal than you can appreciate right now, I'm sure. You know it's a big deal and for now, that's good enough. The pain goes away, it really does. You were able to hit the 3-month benchmark, make another 3 months. Keep going, don't stop, keep moving forward and away from her.

 

My ex repeated her previous r/l history of almost always being the dumper and getting out after no more than a year. I thought it wouldn't happen to me, and I thought that because of some of the unprecedented gestures she made, it wouldn't apply to me. That is what has been so maddening - she came closest to committing to a future with me than anybody she ever dated, and yet in the end I was shown the door.

 

So hard to change focus when you've endured a great loss.

[GreenPolicy]

coping means reach out, talk about it,to therapists,to close friends,and to members here! you have to get the hurt out of you in order to heal.

Also your question to how can one person say they love you make gestures and bail out,, its called commitmentphobic or phobia.

If you google and read books about it you'll read how people come on strong,and bail out.

Reading helps,and enjoy your trip to San Fran,i wish i was there again,and i'm in Hawaii

 

Yeah, I read a book called "He's Scared, She's Scared" and I recognized a lot of my ex in some of what I read. She's probably in a rebound situation right now, because that will be her way of avoiding the unpleasant feelings and emotions that come from burning somebody you love and still care about. That's one of the things I read in the book, it's not like a typical situation where they no longer have any feelings at all for the dumpee. They can walk because they honestly believe that the dumpee will take them back if they ever have a change of heart. She honestly believes that six months, a year, two years down the line, she can come back if she wants, and beg, plead and promise to change and I'll take her back. That's why she was able to walk.

[0hpenelope]

My ex repeated her previous r/l history of almost always being the dumper and getting out after no more than a year. I thought it wouldn't happen to me, and I thought that because of some of the unprecedented gestures she made, it wouldn't apply to me. That is what has been so maddening - she came closest to committing to a future with me than anybody she ever dated, and yet in the end I was shown the door.

 

So hard to change focus when you've endured a great loss.

 

I hear you.

 

Change your focus anyway. Force it on yourself. Even if it's something you don't want, force it because it's what you need. Do not waste any more time on her, please. She's not there anymore, our exes aren't with us anymore.

[GreenPolicy]

I hear you.

 

Change your focus anyway. Force it on yourself. Even if it's something you don't want, force it because it's what you need. Do not waste any more time on her, please. She's not there anymore, our exes aren't with us anymore.

 

I think some of the steps I've taken will help me with taking the focus off her. One thing that I read in the book is that when you're involved with a commitment phobe, it's like they leave after the first act of a three act play. Part of what hurts so bad is that your relationship never endured hardships or other tough times that all relationships go through if they last long enough. No relationship is ever 100 percent sunshine and roses if you stay with somebody long enough, even if you deeply love each other and have no intention of ever leaving. And they tend to leave right as things are going great. You're sitting there wondering what the second and third act would have been like. And one thing that helps in coping is realizing that you probably already got the best that this person has to offer. It would never have been as good as it was.

 

CPs don't develop in a healthy and mature way as a relationship progresses. They ALWAYS hold something back and keep certain things private. The amount of intimacy that develops in a relationship is on their terms because they have to be in control. They never give as much as they get. Over time I probably would have felt loneliness had we stayed together.

[J0N]

GreenPolicy,

 

** You have given me a lot of good advice. I am only five days behind you in the whole process and I really feel like I have hit rock bottom lately.* I have decided that I am going to become more actively involved in getting over my ex; I signed up for a dating website and to my complete surprise THERE ARE GIRLS MY AGE WHERE I live! Even though, most of them may ever work out and this may be a disaster it offers me hope that my life will go on without my ex. I actually feel happy today, and I am going to go and kill it at the gym later! I want to try some casual dating for now; I want to meet some new girls. I feel like this is really the only way to take the next step in putting my ex behind me. I know online dating is lame, but this may just be worth a shot. Plus it’s free. F*ck it, there is nothing to lose.

 

I suggest you try the same. Our ex’s are gone and they are never coming back, it’s time to grab life by the horns and start moving forward! (We will see how long this lasts)

[GreenPolicy]

GreenPolicy,

 

** You have given me a lot of good advice. I am only five days behind you in the whole process and I really feel like I have hit rock bottom lately.* I have decided that I am going to become more actively involved in getting over my ex; I signed up for a dating website and to my complete surprise THERE ARE GIRLS MY AGE WHERE I live! Even though, most of them may ever work out and this may be a disaster it offers me hope that my life will go on without my ex. I actually feel happy today, and I am going to go and kill it at the gym later! I want to try some casual dating for now; I want to meet some new girls. I feel like this is really the only way to take the next step in putting my ex behind me. I know online dating is lame, but this may just be worth a shot. Plus it’s free. F*ck it, there is nothing to lose.

 

I suggest you try the same. Our ex’s are gone and they are never coming back, it’s time to grab life by the horns and start moving forward! (We will see how long this lasts)

 

I don't think online dating is lame. It's how I met my ex. I'm doing it now, although my heart isn't completely in it, I feel like sooner or later I have to actually go through the steps of getting back out there and sooner or later my heart will follow. And I might meet somebody that really knocks my socks off and makes me forget about my ex.

 

I just have to repeat the mantra: "She is gone forever, you need to live your life now."

[cerridwen]

GreenPolicy, are you spiritual at all? Have you tried coping from the angle of cultivating trust that this is part of the flow of things--and good things are coming?

[GreenPolicy]

GreenPolicy, are you spiritual at all? Have you tried coping from the angle of cultivating trust that this is part of the flow of things--and good things are coming?

 

One of my goals for the New Year is to find a permanent church home. And I'm going to Al-Anon meetings, there is a spiritual dimension to that as well.

 

My pain is coming from my heart lagging my head. My brain tells me her cutting things off now saved me from being stood up at the altar or a painful divorce.

 

I know I shouldn't, but sometimes I wonder what she truly thinks and feels about me. Does she ever think about me? Does she just try and shut away any thoughts about me? The book I read said that active avoider commitment phobes DO NOT want to think about their exes and will do everything in their power to blot out those thoughts. They don't want to feel the guilt and the pain. I just wonder if she still cares. She wasn't lying when she told me it was the best relationship she'd ever been in and her actions were in line with that. She's just wired in a very different way from me and understanding her is such a futile endeavor and every second I spend trying to "understand" her and "figure her out" is a second I am not focused on me. Her loss for giving up on what she would probably admit is the greatest thing that ever happened to her.

[0hpenelope]

I know I shouldn't, but sometimes I wonder what she truly thinks and feels about me. Does she ever think about me? Does she just try and shut away any thoughts about me? The book I read said that active avoider commitment phobes DO NOT want to think about their exes and will do everything in their power to blot out those thoughts. They don't want to feel the guilt and the pain.

 

Oh yeesh... Yeah, no good comes out of thinking those things. Questions answered begets more questions.

 

Geez, your ex is... wow. She's one of a kind, but to spare others, I hope there aren't more like her ("like her" meaning the aspect of her character that put you in so much pain) out there.

 

I have a feeling people such as herself eventually combust. By the time that happens, you'll be long gone and happy, wherever you are. As will I.

[Jake99]

I have a feeling people such as herself eventually combust. By the time that happens, you'll be long gone and happy, wherever you are. As will I.

 

No question about it! I believe that if you treated your ex good they will find anything they can to avoid thinking about you because they know you were good to them...eventually they resurface, but it will be way too late!

[cerridwen]

One of my goals for the New Year is to find a permanent church home. And I'm going to Al-Anon meetings, there is a spiritual dimension to that as well.

 

Most definitely.

 

Since you're a reader try throwing in books with a spiritual focus as well. From mainstream works by Wayne Dyer to more challenging stuff, there's a lot of helpful, soul-soothing stuff out there.

 

Great growth can come from breakups.

I think you're moving in a fantastic direction.

[GreenPolicy]

Oh yeesh... Yeah, no good comes out of thinking those things. Questions answered begets more questions.

 

Geez, your ex is... wow. She's one of a kind, but to spare others, I hope there aren't more like her ("like her" meaning the aspect of her character that put you in so much pain) out there.

 

I have a feeling people such as herself eventually combust. By the time that happens, you'll be long gone and happy, wherever you are. As will I.

 

I've been told that she'll probably either end up alone after a string of failed relationships, or in a situation that does not make her happy. My heart does not want to believe it, but I am glad this happened if it spared me future pain.

 

The whole thing is still just a mindf*ck. I know that for most of our relationship she felt happy and loved. Gestures big and small. Gestures that I discovered on my own. I remember looking on her fb wall one day at random, and one of our friends from another state had written a standard "How's it going?" message. And she replied "Oh well, work is stressful, but GreenPolicy is wonderful, so life is good!" Something she never told me about and I found on my own. Another time I was hanging out with her and her mom, and she said unprompted "I was hanging out today at the pool after work and I thought to myself "I really love that boy!" The relationship unraveled rapidly after I started moving ahead with plans to formally propose to her. How you can so quickly go from one end of the spectrum ("I want to be with you forever!" and mean it) to another (get out of my life) is just baffling. Six weeks before the b/u you're emailing me suggestions for wedding venues, a month before you're reminding me your parents want to meet mine.

Edited January 13, 2011 by GreenPolicy

[0hpenelope]

No question about it! I believe that if you treated your ex good they will find anything they can to avoid thinking about you because they know you were good to them...eventually they resurface, but it will be way too late!

 

You seem very confident about this, bro. Do you have a personal experience or you have a "friend of a friend" story? In general, exes like GP's makes me wonder about how they're just able to shut down like that. I have a vested interest in this because I treated my boyfriend really well too, in spite of the arguments.

[GreenPolicy]

You seem very confident about this, bro. Do you have a personal experience or you have a "friend of a friend" story? In general, exes like GP's makes me wonder about how they're just able to shut down like that. I have a vested interest in this because I treated my boyfriend really well too, in spite of the arguments.

 

I read a book called "He's Scared, She's Scared" that kind of goes into commitment phobia. In the case of my ex, never been with anybody longer than a year. She dumped me two weeks shy of our first anniversary. I had taken her to a jewelry convention to look at bands. I told her that I planned to get a second job to pay for a ring. Then she dumped me two days after I told her about a job interview, the day before the interview would take place. "Making it real" triggered her fears and emotions about taking the next step.

 

So on an intellectual level, sitting down with her parents and informing them I'm different from all the other guys she's dated and she wants to marry me, introducing me to her biological father after having nothing to do with him for years, something she never did with any other guy, emailing me suggestions for wedding venues, going on a historical home tour and asking if they host weddings, all those things she initiated and was sincere, but emotionally it triggers her fears. When we went from just talking about marriage and agreeing on it to me actually doing something about it, it's not a coincidence at all that the r/l fell apart at that point. We'd also had four weddings we were supposed to go to this past fall for friends and family of hers. We'd been to one before she dumped me.

 

Her background: real dad leaves mom when she's pregnant, tells her to get an abortion. Mom and Stepdad raise her and fight all the time over her. She has a history of dating abusers/jerks and not choosing well. She told me most of her relationships were invariably short and she would dump guys because they would get on her nerves. She always said to me "You're so different. You're so...normal. You don't do things that piss me off like all the other guys." We never really fought or argued, since we're both easygoing Type B personalities.

 

She made a couple of really weird comments a few weeks before the b/u. She's a devout Christian, and she made a comment about wanting to be in Heaven now. I was really taken aback by this and was like "What the hell? Don't you mean you want to go to heaven when you die? What about our future together?" And she says "Don't worry, I'm not suicidal, I would just rather be in Heaven now." She made another comment another time about wanting Jesus to come back already.

 

They say the dumper usually takes months to emotionally check out and withdraw, but up until about a month before it ended, things were great. I missed a couple of red flags like the comments I referenced above, but she was still balancing it out with other good signals. Which makes me think she contemplated ending it about a month before actually pulling the trigger, and going to look at bands and me trying to get that second job pushed her over the edge.

[Jake99]

You seem very confident about this, bro. Do you have a personal experience or you have a "friend of a friend" story? In general, exes like GP's makes me wonder about how they're just able to shut down like that. I have a vested interest in this because I treated my boyfriend really well too, in spite of the arguments.

 

0hpenelope, I am very confident because I have had this happen to me in a past relationship. I treated her very well and I gave all my attention to her and never asked for anything in return. I have always been that way with my family, friends and relationships. They are important to me and they deserve to be treated with respect and love.

A girl I dated left for GIGS and I was hurt and confused by her leaving. I evaluated who I was and tried to keep in contact but she went into NC and I eventually moved on. I met someone a year later and we hit it off and within a month, my ex appears texting and then calling me. I simply responded saying it is too late, I have moved on and that was it!

We see each other from time to time and now it is simply a hey, how's life, good to see ya, maybe a coffee sometime, but it's done.

[0hpenelope]

0hpenelope, I am very confident because I have had this happen to me in a past relationship. I treated her very well and I gave all my attention to her and never asked for anything in return. I have always been that way with my family, friends and relationships. They are important to me and they deserve to be treated with respect and love.

A girl I dated left for GIGS and I was hurt and confused by her leaving. I evaluated who I was and tried to keep in contact but she went into NC and I eventually moved on. I met someone a year later and we hit it off and within a month, my ex appears texting and then calling me. I simply responded saying it is too late, I have moved on and that was it!

We see each other from time to time and now it is simply a hey, how's life, good to see ya, maybe a coffee sometime, but it's done.

 

So basically, you treated GIGS girl really well, she left anyway, you tried to stay in touch but she shut you out. Then when you started dating someone else, GIGS girl pops out of nowhere again? :laugh: Would you look at that, hmm? They do come out when least expected.

 

I like the idea of a ghostly me haunting my ex's memories. Our problems were fixable, but he chose to quit. Okay then, stay gone.

[GreenPolicy]

Jake, what do you think of my situation? I am committed to moving on and not waiting around for her, but I have had people tell me that she may pop up again in my life, given this was the best r/l she had ever been in, plus the "unfinished business" nature of our ending. I'm not going to wait around for a moment that may never come, as I have a life to live in the meantime.

[Jake99]

Jake, what do you think of my situation? I am committed to moving on and not waiting around for her, but I have had people tell me that she may pop up again in my life, given this was the best r/l she had ever been in, plus the "unfinished business" nature of our ending. I'm not going to wait around for a moment that may never come, as I have a life to live in the meantime.

 

Hey GP, I have read many of yor posts and you seem to be caught with one foot stuck in the door while the other foot sees the free open life. A tough spot to be in and I have been there. My most recent GF dumped me at the beginning of November. We have known each other for 4 years and were good friends, then things just changed, feelings changed and we fell in love at the same time for each other. It was magical, and the best relationship I have been in too. It was amazing and all of a sudden it was gone, and we're talking in one day!! boom! gone!!

There is always unfinished business when a relationship ends and tons of questions that we all want answered when we are the dumpees, but why waste so much energy and time sitting pinning, wondering and questioning yourself or your ex? If you can really look back at the relationship and say you were honestly good to your ex, then stand up and walk away, its their loss.

My advice is feel that pain, cry if you have to, talk to some true friends who will listen but give yourself a time limit on dwelling on things. Then start doing things for yourself. Hit the gym because stress is evil and working out is an awesome feeling, focus on yourself and your needs, find a good book and watch comedy movies!! Lighten up your life and laugh at yourself. Find that person you were before you met your ex and be that person because that's what all your friends want back too! YOU!!

I personally started working out at a gym the day I went into NC and that's 6.5 weeks ago. It was the best thing I did because I'm seeing changes in myself physically and mentally. My ex has emailed twice since then and I deleted them without looking at them. I still care and love my ex, but I refuse to be plan B or treated with disrespect, how she just up and dumped me only shows me she doesn't respect me!

[GreenPolicy]

Hey GP, I have read many of yor posts and you seem to be caught with one foot stuck in the door while the other foot sees the free open life. A tough spot to be in and I have been there. My most recent GF dumped me at the beginning of November. We have known each other for 4 years and were good friends, then things just changed, feelings changed and we fell in love at the same time for each other. It was magical, and the best relationship I have been in too. It was amazing and all of a sudden it was gone, and we're talking in one day!! boom! gone!!

There is always unfinished business when a relationship ends and tons of questions that we all want answered when we are the dumpees, but why waste so much energy and time sitting pinning, wondering and questioning yourself or your ex? If you can really look back at the relationship and say you were honestly good to your ex, then stand up and walk away, its their loss.

My advice is feel that pain, cry if you have to, talk to some true friends who will listen but give yourself a time limit on dwelling on things. Then start doing things for yourself. Hit the gym because stress is evil and working out is an awesome feeling, focus on yourself and your needs, find a good book and watch comedy movies!! Lighten up your life and laugh at yourself. Find that person you were before you met your ex and be that person because that's what all your friends want back too! YOU!!

I personally started working out at a gym the day I went into NC and that's 6.5 weeks ago. It was the best thing I did because I'm seeing changes in myself physically and mentally. My ex has emailed twice since then and I deleted them without looking at them. I still care and love my ex, but I refuse to be plan B or treated with disrespect, how she just up and dumped me only shows me she doesn't respect me!

 

I went to the gym last night and it felt good. I'll be going back tonight. It gives me something to look forward to instead of sitting at home alone.

 

Acceptance is so hard. Damn hard. I keep telling myself "Well, she did all these things with me that she never did with any guy before." In the end it does not matter. She left me. I like your comment about how I'm stuck. It's the head that wants to move on and the heart that wants to linger.

[J0N]

I've been told that she'll probably either end up alone after a string of failed relationships, or in a situation that does not make her happy. My heart does not want to believe it, but I am glad this happened if it spared me future pain.

 

The whole thing is still just a mindf*ck. I know that for most of our relationship she felt happy and loved. Gestures big and small. Gestures that I discovered on my own. I remember looking on her fb wall one day at random, and one of our friends from another state had written a standard "How's it going?" message. And she replied "Oh well, work is stressful, but GreenPolicy is wonderful, so life is good!" Something she never told me about and I found on my own. Another time I was hanging out with her and her mom, and she said unprompted "I was hanging out today at the pool after work and I thought to myself "I really love that boy!" The relationship unraveled rapidly after I started moving ahead with plans to formally propose to her. How you can so quickly go from one end of the spectrum ("I want to be with you forever!" and mean it) to another (get out of my life) is just baffling. Six weeks before the b/u you're emailing me suggestions for wedding venues, a month before you're reminding me your parents want to meet mine.

 

GreenPolicy sometimes I think we are the same person. F*ck this whole situation. Nothing sucks more when you thought somebody was your soul mate and they f*cling flake on you. We gotta stop over analyzing everything. Should be a piece of cake. Honestly if my doctor could give me a drug to erase her from my memory I would consider it.

[Jake99]

I went to the gym last night and it felt good. I'll be going back tonight. It gives me something to look forward to instead of sitting at home alone.

 

Acceptance is so hard. Damn hard. I keep telling myself "Well, she did all these things with me that she never did with any guy before." In the end it does not matter. She left me. I like your comment about how I'm stuck. It's the head that wants to move on and the heart that wants to linger.

 

I think you actually have it all wrong. Your heart wants to move on but your head won't!! You keep thinking about all the things your ex did with you and not others. Who cares!! You have the chance to start fresh, and look at what you can give to others you didn't give to her!!

Focus on the gym and watch yourself grow! It really works and is theraputic. Just keep working hard on yourself and look out for yourself because no one is going to do that for you. It is hard work and that's what make the end result sweeter!!

[J0N]

Hey GP, I have read many of yor posts and you seem to be caught with one foot stuck in the door while the other foot sees the free open life. A tough spot to be in and I have been there. My most recent GF dumped me at the beginning of November. We have known each other for 4 years and were good friends, then things just changed, feelings changed and we fell in love at the same time for each other. It was magical, and the best relationship I have been in too. It was amazing and all of a sudden it was gone, and we're talking in one day!! boom! gone!!

There is always unfinished business when a relationship ends and tons of questions that we all want answered when we are the dumpees, but why waste so much energy and time sitting pinning, wondering and questioning yourself or your ex? If you can really look back at the relationship and say you were honestly good to your ex, then stand up and walk away, its their loss.

My advice is feel that pain, cry if you have to, talk to some true friends who will listen but give yourself a time limit on dwelling on things. Then start doing things for yourself. Hit the gym because stress is evil and working out is an awesome feeling, focus on yourself and your needs, find a good book and watch comedy movies!! Lighten up your life and laugh at yourself. Find that person you were before you met your ex and be that person because that's what all your friends want back too! YOU!!

I personally started working out at a gym the day I went into NC and that's 6.5 weeks ago. It was the best thing I did because I'm seeing changes in myself physically and mentally. My ex has emailed twice since then and I deleted them without looking at them. I still care and love my ex, but I refuse to be plan B or treated with disrespect, how she just up and dumped me only shows me she doesn't respect me!

 

Jake,

Props on showing some fortitude. I am trying to do the same, I've been a little lazy about the gym and not so lazy about the drinking (with friends of course) I have recently decided to take a hiatus from booze, and get my fat a$$ into gym (not fat but I could use some exercise)