Three Months After Breakup

[Jake99]

Jake,

Props on showing some fortitude. I am trying to do the same, I've been a little lazy about the gym and not so lazy about the drinking (with friends of course) I have recently decided to take a hiatus from booze, and get my fat a$$ into gym (not fat but I could use some exercise)

 

Thanks J0N, its a tough road for all of us when you think the person you love and believe in dumps you like a piece of garbage. I guess the way I look at it is...I'm not your garbage and I deserve better treatment. I looked in the mirror and told myself to grow some balls and stop allowing her to run my emotions and who I am. My ex doesn't deserve to be with me and has proved that by the treatment she gave me.

[cj2]

Yeah, I read a book called "He's Scared, She's Scared" and I recognized a lot of my ex in some of what I read. She's probably in a rebound situation right now, because that will be her way of avoiding the unpleasant feelings and emotions that come from burning somebody you love and still care about. That's one of the things I read in the book, it's not like a typical situation where they no longer have any feelings at all for the dumpee. They can walk because they honestly believe that the dumpee will take them back if they ever have a change of heart. She honestly believes that six months, a year, two years down the line, she can come back if she wants, and beg, plead and promise to change and I'll take her back. That's why she was able to walk.

 

I read this post last night and downloaded that book, it is a complete eye opener. I just read the last chapter on walking away for the passive partner, it summed up everything I have been feeling for the past couple of months, amazing stuff that makes me realise my situation isn't unqiue and neither was she.

[LifeIsGreat]

GP..... I know what you're going through; however, you need to ask yourself something. She is a 'project' woman. She is 'damaged'. You KNOW that is not what you want for your future.

 

It doesn't make the grieving any easier, but it can help you to understand that analyzing the situation won't help. Damaged ex's can not be analyzed.

 

Personally, I have had enough holes drilled in my heart. The next time I am going to be VERY careful about who I get with. If you look back (based on the info you posted about her), there were HUGE red flags. Next time you see these, run before you fall in love.

[GreenPolicy]

GP..... I know what you're going through; however, you need to ask yourself something. She is a 'project' woman. She is 'damaged'. You KNOW that is not what you want for your future.

 

It doesn't make the grieving any easier, but it can help you to understand that analyzing the situation won't help. Damaged ex's can not be analyzed.

 

Personally, I have had enough holes drilled in my heart. The next time I am going to be VERY careful about who I get with. If you look back (based on the info you posted about her), there were HUGE red flags. Next time you see these, run before you fall in love.

 

In addition to some of the usual feelings a dumpee feels, there is a maddening element to my situation. She kept a lot of this stuff well hidden. I was naive to think the reason she hasn't had a ltr was because she just hadn't met the right person. You want to help this person but you know you can't. Like a lot of dumpees, you miss her and want her back, but your head tells you that is not a good idea, that you would be signing up for a second dose of heartache.

 

In essence, there is no logical point to reconciliation. I know that with NC, the payoff is long down the road. I'm not going to bash my ex. She had a lot of wonderful qualities despite her issues for me to fall in love with her. There is a conflict between my heart and my head, but I know with NC and finding things to get involved in, I will eventually heal.

[Fern]

I read a book called "He's Scared, She's Scared" that kind of goes into commitment phobia.

 

Downloaded and read (devoured more like it) this today. What an eye opener! And it really helped me to see why I stayed and stop feeling like such a freak for staying as long as I did. Thanks for the heads up. If nothing else good comes out of my breakup - I'm learning a LOT about myself.

[GreenPolicy]

GP..... I know what you're going through; however, you need to ask yourself something. She is a 'project' woman. She is 'damaged'. You KNOW that is not what you want for your future.

 

It doesn't make the grieving any easier, but it can help you to understand that analyzing the situation won't help. Damaged ex's can not be analyzed.

 

Personally, I have had enough holes drilled in my heart. The next time I am going to be VERY careful about who I get with. If you look back (based on the info you posted about her), there were HUGE red flags. Next time you see these, run before you fall in love.

 

I was talking to one of my family members tonight about my situation. And they both came to the same conclusion and said my ex suffers from very low self esteem, and was probably mystified and intimidated that a man could love her so much, because she doesn't feel worthy of it. It makes me wonder: Did I love her too much? Or was I simply loving her in a normal way, and I should not alter my approach next time, just find a lady who doesn't have these issues? I'm not talking in terms of reconciliation, just what I need to do differently in my next r/l. I have a hard time second guessing the way I was in my r/l when the feedback up until the day she left was "I love you, this is the best r/l I've been in, and I want to marry you."

[GreenPolicy]

What I need to do to heal:

 

 

1) Forgive her for what she did

2) Figure out what is was that you saw in her that attracted you to her. How much of what you are missing is her, and how much of what you are missing is having love and somebody in your life

3) Figure out what you do and don't want in your next relationship

4) Let go of the anger, hurt, disappointment, betrayal, feelings of unfairness

5) Stop talking about your breakup with anybody besides your therapist and mom

6) Get involved in things that bring joy to your life, and give you an opportunity to meet others.

7) Do not contact her under any circumstances, don't go to places where you might run into her, and do not seek out information about her online or through others

8) Devote yourself to improving your spiritual life

9) Strengthen friendships with friends and family

10) Listen to your brain and not your heart

11) Stop dwelling on the good times. They are gone. Heal yourself so you can make new memories with somebody else.

12) Learn to be happy with yourself and by yourself. Then you will be ready for a new relationship

13) Focus on you, your life and what you can do to improve it. You are your only constant companion in this world.

14) Focus on stories from some of your friends who have all been where you are at, and eventually ended up in a better situation.

15) Stay positive. Pessimistic, self-defeating thinking will lead to bad outcomes.

16) Remember that she has some growing up and maturing to do, and she has some major issues that she has to work through. At this point in her life, she is not capable of the kind of long-term commitment that you want. You were spared even worse pain in the future by her ending things now. You don't want to be in a relationship with her until she solves her issues. Even if she does get married someday, do not think of it as another guy succeeding where you didn't. Marriage does not necessarily equal happily ever after. Even if she does marry a good guy sometime in the future, it will probably be a situation where he would have suffered your fate if they had dated when you did, and you would have had succeeded with her if you dated in the future after she grew up and matured some.

17) Just know that with time you WILL heal and things will get better, especially if you use that time wisely.

18) Self pity does you no good. Yes, you have endured a great loss and it's unfair and it sucks. But you need to focus on all the good things you still have in your life and what is still possible, not what is no longer in your life and isn't possible.

19) Stop romanticizing and idealizing her life. It is not a bed of roses. Until she solves her issues, she will continue to make poor romantic choices, and she will never find inner peace and lasting happiness. It's not your concern anymore anyways.

20) Let go and let God.