Sunkissedkate Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 amazing months, and are pretty much inseperable, When we met he told me that he was divorced and had 2 kids, I was ok with it, bc i love kids and when i met them i fell in love with them.. the exW i can take or leave... shes kinda a crazy syco bitch.... but then about a week ago i found out that they arent actually divorced they are only seperated... but have been for 3 years, and there is no way that they will get back together so that is not what i am worried about. But.. They still talk quite a bit, which i understand is necessary, they have kids together, but now he is trying to get things rolling with the divorce bc i want papers drafted and prepared before he moves in with me on the first... am i being a bitch in asking him to do that... i just dont feel like i can start a life with him when he is still technically married... and he tells me that he wants to propose and if he could he would do it now.. but he legally cant... am i just being a bitch... Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 Nope...in fact you need to ensure that you ENFORCE that boundary, and make it clear to him that you will not continue a relationship with him WITHOUT the divorce. Too many times on the OW/OM and Infidelity forums we see your exact situation....where you later find out that even their seperation was a lie. Or they end up reconciling, and you're left sitting there in a puddle of tears. Don't be afraid to insist on what you need. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunkissedkate Posted January 12, 2011 Author Share Posted January 12, 2011 OK, bc i know that the exwife is crazy... haha she left him 3 years ago and told him that she didnt love him, packed up the kids and left. and I really dont think that they will ever get back together, but i think now he might know that im serious. that i will leave him if he doesnt deal with his divorce. bc i dont date for the sake of dating... if i dont think i will be able to spend the rest of my life iwth you i really dont see the need to get to know someone that well.. if that makes sence Link to post Share on other sites
UnsureinSeattle Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 Making sure the old relationship is "finished," so to speak, before you begin the next phase of your current relationship does not make you a "bitch." You're protecting your relationship, and yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 shes kinda a crazy syco bitch. bc i know that the exwife is crazy. They still talk quite a bit Do you know his W personally or just the stuff he tells you. There is no reason "to talk quite a bit". I bet they are talking about more than just the children they share. Since his W left him and not the other way around and they still "talk quite a bit", him filing for divorce is imperative for the R to move forward. Don't put up with any excuses on why he can't file either. He files or you end it with him. That's not being a bitch, that's being smart. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunkissedkate Posted January 12, 2011 Author Share Posted January 12, 2011 Yes i do know her personally. They talk when we call to talk to the kids, he is trying to get things sorted out with the house they still own together, so that he can sell it, and he is trying to get everything ready to sell but her name is on the mortgage, even tho she hasnt made any payments regarding bills on the property or the mortgage its self since she left, she expects him to fix it all and sell it with out her helping to pay for anything yet taking half the proceeds. and legally she doesnt have any right to the matrimonial property bc they have been legally seperated for more than 2 years. and he will have conversations with her on the phone while im there with him while we make dinner or something, but she lives 8 hours away, and when we drive out to pick up the kids, the logical thing would be for us both to go 4 hours and meet in the middle, but that never happens we always drive 6 one way and 6 home and she drives 2. I know alot of that is bc he doesnt trust her driving with the kids, bc she is known to be a pretty bad driver. but she is the one who moved away... and moved the kids 8 hours from him... and yah shes a good mom they are great kids but do you think she uses him a little much.... and i dont know if i can really say anything bc i dont want to be pushy. he does want to get full custody of them and her with visitation kind of thing. and a court would consider us much more stable than her, but i just dont know what to do... Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 shes a good mom they are great kids he does want to get full custody of them and her with visitation kind of thing. That's mean spirited. As for the house, she is entitled to half. No ifs, ands or buts. If she is such a bad driver and he is afraid for the kids' lives, she shouldn't even be driving the 2 hours. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunkissedkate Posted January 12, 2011 Author Share Posted January 12, 2011 no its not mean spirited. its reality, she has had full custody of them for 3 years.. and the only reason she does is bc he works in the oilfield. but now that he is home every night and has weekends off, he would like to move the kids back with him and she can take them every other weekend. its called life. thats how my custody worked for years. and thats how alot of them work, not by law she isnt, im a 4th year law student, not by law she isnt entitled to anything anymore, morally yes she might be but not by law Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 no its not mean spirited. its reality, she has had full custody of them for 3 years.. and the only reason she does is bc he works in the oilfield. but now that he is home every night and has weekends off, he would like to move the kids back with him and she can take them every other weekend. its called life. thats how my custody worked for years. and thats how alot of them work, not by law she isnt, im a 4th year law student, not by law she isnt entitled to anything anymore, morally yes she might be but not by law Get all the proceeds of the house and take her kids off her. Niiiiice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunkissedkate Posted January 12, 2011 Author Share Posted January 12, 2011 what are you trying to get at.. shes the one that took off 3 years ago left massive debt with him to deal with hes the one that has been paying for that house, he is the one who has been dealing with everything that is wrong with it in order for it to see.... she has never once paid for anything it is a matrimonal property... both sides here not just him, and she takes off with the kids... when all of this goes to court for custody, i can guarentee a judge will grand him full time custody if he requests it. she isnt stable enough to be raising two kids on her own. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 If all things go to plan there won't be any child support to pay either. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunkissedkate Posted January 12, 2011 Author Share Posted January 12, 2011 I could care less about child support. as we have it right now she has full custody, but there is no legal custody, we send about 2 grand a month to her for her and the kids... and our little girl shows up with no snow pants... that scares me.. 2 thousand dollars is more than enough for 2 kids Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 amazing months, A whole 4 months eh? Let's see, when he dates you for the 4 months he was divorced but then admitted to just being separated a week ago! You aren't going to live with him until the D is in motion. Maybe you should just concentrate on those 2 things first. Spend time with each other, getting to know each other first before setting out to throw the kids lives in turmoil and take them away from their mother. Don't forget what you said about her being a good mom either. I find what you two are scheming to be really, really selfish. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunkissedkate Posted January 12, 2011 Author Share Posted January 12, 2011 4 months yah that we have spent day in and day out with each other, so do not tell me that i have to spend some time with him to get to know him better, i can tell you pretty much everything there is to know about him. and yah she is a good mom but that doesnt make it the best situation for the kids. I love how you brought up custody and then when i explained what was going on for any kind of payment you turn it back to me being the bitch. well thanks for the advice but i dont need you telling me that i am being selfish bc i am not at all, those kids are the most important thing in the world to me. Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 What you should "concentrate on" is the fact that he blatantly lied to you!!! Why would a decent woman both stand for being directly lied to AND play second fiddle to someone's wife at any whim where he might want to get back together with her??? Run away now while you've only (invested, lets call it) 4 months of your life in him, otherwise you'll be his next victim. He has much more invested in his wife, and as such, he'd drop you like a hot rock at first opportunity to get back together with her. Were this not true, he would have divorced her ass long before you came into the picture. Link to post Share on other sites
You Go Girl Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 (edited) A bitch? No, you're not. Crazy...maybe a little. Vulnerable and VERY gullible, YEP! Who talks about living with someone, when they just found out they were married a week ago after being lied to about it for 4 months? Who says an ex that they really don't know is psycho...probably most of us. However, the truth is hardly what you know. It's only half of the story, and maybe the worst of the story you won't ever hear because it's the other half! One thing I can say for sure is, I certainly wouldn't be moving in with a guy that I had been misled to believe he was divorced when in reality he was married, and found this out only a week ago. Ever heard the term red flags? There's one glaring at you. HE LIES! So the question is, are you going to, in your sweet forgiving way, let him slide on lying to you about this? Because I can guarantee you, there will be more lies to come, and those will probably be attached to heartbreak--yours. He can start the divorce proceedings. Big deal. The real problem is that you have a liar on your hands. Edited January 13, 2011 by You Go Girl Link to post Share on other sites
norm28 Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Not really trying to be mean, but if they are still married......why do you refer to her as his 'ex'. If they are still married, she's his wife, plain and simple. Link to post Share on other sites
sirweasles Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 ok I think you people are being A*Sholes. Im pretty sure she didnt ask your permision to love this guy and Im pretty sure she didnt ask your opinions on weather or not she should look out for her relationship in the ways of finances or the kids. I love how there are some people on here that turn sombody elses posts into there personal bit*h session about what they think is wrong with the world. Honestly I started useing this forum for possative advice. Im starting to wonder why so much negitiveity has been coming out on alot of the newer people as well as some of the older people. I guess I just dont understand why you have to respond to a post if you cant do it with out insulting the poster. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunkissedkate Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 Thank you very much! I have never once said that i am worried about them getting back together, ever, bc i know him and i know her and they wont. I also said that yes i do know her. I know her fairly well actually, but that is besides the point, and I never asked any ones opinion on anything to do with child support but that was brought up, bc im being a selfish bitch supposedly.. and yah maybe i am being a little nieve, bc i do love him and i do want to be with him, yeah it is a pretty big thing to get past but i told him that if he loved me and cared about me at all that he would get papers filed, and he told her that papers were on their way and she said good, bc she is waiting to get engaged as well and cant legally do that. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 As a separated man I can certainly understand why he told you he was divorced. There is such a stigma attached to being "separated". In my opinion there is no more chance of a separated man reconciling with his wife, than a "single" man reconciling with his ex, all other factors being equal. But that is an argument for another day... And the lying might get him into women's pants, but it certainly isn't a good foundation for a serious relationship. What I cannot understand is why he has been separated for 3 years without filing for divorce. That is quite simply insane. To be legally and financially tied to someone you are not in a relationship with... is madness. I agree with everyone's advice, you should cut off the relationship until he has got his divorce through. From your posting you sound quite young and immature. To be honest I think you should look for a simpler relationship (ie. not so much baggage). With this guy you're jumping right into the deep end of the relationship pool. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunkissedkate Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 hahaha, to be completely honestly, this relationship is nothing... nothing compared to the relationships ive had, This is the simplest relationship ive had in a very long time. not that its any of your business. I love how peoples so called "advice" has turned to bad mouthing and complete bull ****. Honestly I joined this site to get other peoples opinions, not to have them bad mouth me and tell me that im immature, but thank you very much for coming out. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 You didn't come here for advice. You came for self-gratification. If you came for advice then you wouldn't be insulting the people who were giving it. You want people to say yes you're right that's fine you're a great person. But we do not do that around here I'm afraid, try carebears.com. If this is the simplest relationship you've had then why do you need advice? And if it's none of our business then why the f*ck are you writing it on the public internet? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunkissedkate Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 Yah i actually did come for advice, i could care less about the self gratification. Im not the one insulting people, and if you really have a problem dont post anything, just keep your comments to yourself. I have gotten alot of really good advice from some people and then there are others who think that they are the be all and the end all and know every aspect of the discussion or topic; when in reality they only know what they interpret. If you feel the need to bitch about something use a facebook status, not my post Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 I hope you feel better for having a rant, now please go and take out your frustrations on those who deserve it, ie. your lying BF and his (alleged) bitch (alleged) soon-to-be ex! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunkissedkate Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 I dont have any frustrations at all actually. The situation has already been discussed and resolved. Link to post Share on other sites
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