A Good Relationship .. Under Pressure

[wishingonastar]

Hi everyone

 

I'm 25 (26 in June) and my boyfriend is 49 (50 in April). We have known each other for 3 years 5 months and have been going out for 2 years 9 months. Neither of us have ever been married.

 

We both have good steady jobs with average incomes, he owns his own house, I currently live at my parents house - although they are always out travelling. Neither of us are in debt or owe any money at all.

 

Neither of us drink or smoke/take drugs. Neither of us have any children. We have a great sex life and both love each other more than anything in the world. We have never cheated on the other person or would want to cheat. We love doing the same things, have the same views on everything and never ever argue.. until recently.

 

The above sounds like a good relationship doesn't it. Well, it has started to become very strained due to the fact that I want to get married and for us to buy a new house together. My boyfriend has bought an engagement ring - 3 months ago... and doesn't want to move out of his house to a new place that we can call ours, not his. He says it would be ours and he would never call it just "his" if we were both living in it, but I'm sure you can all agree, it would be much better to start a new life in our place that we created together, that we could call ours. His house is a bachelor pad that would need a lot doing to it before I could move in!

 

So at the moment the thoughts of getting married and moving have kind of taken over our relationship. He's very slow at doing things and never rushes into anything, I'm a "why wait?" kind of person, so you can imagine how difficult and frustrating this is for me at the moment.

 

We are always arguing about the situation and it's driving us crazy. It's making us both feel quite ill in fact. He says that there's nothing we can do as I won't move into his house (as I wouldn't be happy there) and he won't move (as he wouldn't be happy moving). Also he, for some reason, won't ask me to marry him and I want to get married..! Help!!

[Keridan]

Sounds like it's time to compromise. If you trust him to be open minded on the subject, tell him that you want to look at houses together. Go so far as to find a few and even scout them ahead of time. You will learn a lot from a few trips out together. You may find that you don't want what is available or he might find a house that he can really picture the two of you making your own. Settle for him being willing to look, however. He's not going to change his mind without some convincing.

 

A tip would be to get him out there and while you are out, talk about where his furniture would fit in this room or another. Mention how much fun it would be to host friends with a kitchen or dining room this nice. The idea is to get him to see himself in the house.

 

Otherwise, I say don't push. Let him work it out. If it's causing that many issues in an otherwise easy relationship, maybe it isn't worth the fight right now. You can always take yer time making a comment here and there, but not pressuring. The same applies to marriage. Some guys (like me) don't like to be pushed. We automatically push back. The trick is to very gently lead.

 

Sorry I don't have much better, but maybe some other folks will chime in. Good luck!

[Ella whispers]

If you're living together why wouldn't it become both of yours instead of just his? If you love each other then home is where you are together no matter where that is. Don't let a technicality ruin your happiness.

[IfiKnewThen]

my daughter is your age. she moved into her b/f's apartment a little over a year ago. he ended up breaking up with her and asking her to leave. she did so much with the place and invested quite a bit. but the lease was not in HER name.

 

not only did she end up with a broken heart..but she felt she lost her home as well. actually they moved into this NEW place together but it was his name on the lease. she thought it would be best in case he couldnt pay the rent and would stick her with all the rent payments, with her name being on the lease too. so it was his name only. but the flip side to that is he had the right to ask her to leave because technically it was his apartment.

 

you have to ask yourself if you want your name on his house. does he have a mortgage? if you give him years...what if anything happens can you walk away with? will you guys have the house in both your names?

 

i know none of this seems to matter when youre "in love". but consider where you guys are really going. God bless and good luck

[elysium23]

This is just my opinion but, he's 50, never been married, and he has never had children. Therefore he's probably used to doing things his own way and is unaccustomed to compromising. The same logic applies to his attitude toward marriage. If he was the "marrying type," he'd have been married by now. He obviously likes being a bachelor if he has chosen to do it for the last 50 years. And even after all these years he's still hesitant to take that next step, so what does it tell you? Don't expect him to change any time soon, if at all.

[linwood]

He`s made it to 50 safe and secure, he`s not about to risk it all on a marriage with a 25 year old no matter how much he loves you.

 

It`s highly unlikely.

 

If you want to marry him you`ll probably have to live in his house.

He`s probably won`t give up that security.

 

I know I wouldn`t, and would advise him not to were he my friend.

[D-Lish]

If you're not willing to compromise and he's not willing to compromise, I don't see things working out.

 

No man wants to ask a woman to marry him during a period of intense pressure. He may very well be intent on marrying you, but most men will want to ask when the timing and situation is right. Trust me, you don't want your guy to ask you to get married under pressure- he'll go on to resent asking if it's done under these circumstances.

 

It's no wonder he is holding off on giving you a ring, you two can't compromise over your living situation. You've stated emphatically that you won't live in his place, and that's where he wants to be. If he asks you to marry him, he knows he's going to be giving up the place he loves that you refuses to live in.

 

You've both given each other your bottom line, it doesn't match up, and you've arrived at a stalemate. Not the best time for him to ask you to marry him. You guys have to figure this out, one of you needs to be willing to make a compromise.

 

The best time to get married is when you have your ducks in a row. You don't want to enter into an engagement during a time of strife. If you can't overcome this dilemma and both of you are so intent on digging your heels in over this issue- how will the next dilemma turn out?

 

He's bought a ring for you, so he's obvious serious about the two of you. I'm not surprised he's holding back while the issue of your living arrangement isn't resolved. A man won't want to enter into a life long commitment with someone when there is turmoil on the table.

 

Most marriages don't start off in the ideal living arrangement. My parents lived in a dingy apartment after they got married until they worked up to a new place, then another, then a bigger place, then a much bigger place....Then 2 places after that!

 

The two of you are only seeing the small picture that entails the immediate future. Marriage is much more than "2 years from now"... I highly doubt that if you guys got married that you'd still be living in his small apartment 5 years from now- but that might simply be a good place to start? Just something to think about, because he is the one that is settled, and you are the one living with your parents. If anyone should be the one to make the initial compromise, maybe it's more you, than him at this particular point???

[johan]

You've both given each other your bottom...

 

A man won't want to enter when there is turmoil on the table.

 

 

You're wise beyond your years, D.