How to integrate MM's kids to make split easier?

[jwi71]

I think the best way to integrate children is slowly...especially when you are dealing them a double emotional trauma.

 

One, do the kids know that mommy and daddy are getting D? That can be VERY traumatic for children...their whole world (mommy and daddy) is, in their eyes, being ripped apart. Literally. That will take TIME to sort out and heal - and its individual per child. In my own life, my daughter adjusted well and quickly only needing about 6 months of IC. My son needed almost a year.

 

And your plan is to uproot them from the only home and life they know and transplant them into yours. I think thats a HUGE disservice to them. And your own children.

 

Secondly, not only are you planning to rip their worlds apart, you are going to heap a second trauma of "Meet your new Mommy" on them. And they JUST LOST MOMMY to D.

WTH are you people thinking? Seriously...Friday night their mommy puts them bed and Monday its YOU in "their" new home? Are you serious?

 

These children need to EASE and ADJUST to their new lives. Not this whilrwind you are forcing on them.

 

Do YOUR children know that you are moving him and his kids in?

 

Wait...is this even real? What person, thinking of the children's best interest, actually considers this plan - and so FAST.

 

I'd be warning you to slow down if NO kids were involved...good grief.

[kuma]

What person, thinking of the children's best interest, actually considers this plan - and so FAST.

 

My thoughts exactly...

[NoIDidn't]

I think the best way to integrate children is slowly...especially when you are dealing them a double emotional trauma.

 

One, do the kids know that mommy and daddy are getting D? That can be VERY traumatic for children...their whole world (mommy and daddy) is, in their eyes, being ripped apart. Literally. That will take TIME to sort out and heal - and its individual per child. In my own life, my daughter adjusted well and quickly only needing about 6 months of IC. My son needed almost a year.

 

And your plan is to uproot them from the only home and life they know and transplant them into yours. I think thats a HUGE disservice to them. And your own children.

 

Secondly, not only are you planning to rip their worlds apart, you are going to heap a second trauma of "Meet your new Mommy" on them. And they JUST LOST MOMMY to D.

WTH are you people thinking? Seriously...Friday night their mommy puts them bed and Monday its YOU in "their" new home? Are you serious?

 

These children need to EASE and ADJUST to their new lives. Not this whilrwind you are forcing on them.

 

Do YOUR children know that you are moving him and his kids in?

 

Wait...is this even real? What person, thinking of the children's best interest, actually considers this plan - and so FAST.

 

I'd be warning you to slow down if NO kids were involved...good grief.

 

Exactly!

 

But what do we expect when people think they are soulmates and that the only feelings that matter are their own?

 

My dad only thought about how great his new girlfriends made HIM feel, not about how I felt being thrust into the middle of his affairs as some "test" of whether or not he should be with them (as in, if I liked them, he would leave for them).

 

I never liked them. In my mind, what sort of woman, especially a mother with her own children, does this to another woman's children?! Is she really delusional enough to think that if she's nice enough to the child (me) that it will automatically make them (me) comfortable with what's happening? <general statements, not directed to the OP or anyone else in this thread>

 

In my case, though, it was a stepmom and not my actual mother. So it was truly confusing for me.

 

Its like when my kids to something that hurts the other, intentionally or not. They apologize and make nice, but the hurt one still cries. They keep saying "I said I'm sorry" (the making nice part), "But s/he's still crying". To which I say, what do you expect, they are still hurting. An apology doesn't make the pain go away, anymore than trying to play house so soon makes kids feel better about the confusing situation they are in. Because, let's face it, these situations ARE confusing for kids.

 

Some people call it "judgment", I call it "common sense".

[Mrlonelyone]

OP

 

I am not being judgemental of you in what I wrote. I just thought I had to caution you in dealing with Pakistani's do not underestimate the influecnce that the opinions of their family, friends, and community have in their lives. Even if they appear rebelious and irreligious in other ways. When it comes to marriage and family they still will take those things into account.

 

They will however "play" with people of other races and religions in all kinds of ways. Having very serious emotions for people they know their people won't approve of but not wanting to formalize a relationship.

 

Just beware.

 

Many a western MM has strung a woman along for years and years only to stay with the wife. I'm just saying.

[pureinheart]

I never liked them. In my mind' date=' what sort of woman, especially a mother with her own children, does this to another woman's children?[/b']! Is she really delusional enough to think that if she's nice enough to the child (me) that it will automatically make them (me) comfortable with what's happening? <general statements, not directed to the OP or anyone else in this thread>

 

 

You must have been older? I never had mature thoughts such as these when my parents D and united with their AP's.

 

My dad M the stepmother (no offence to intended to those that are stepparents on this site, they is MY experience, I use the word "the" for a reason) M immediately after the D. My mother didn't M my stepfather until several years later.

 

Lara, I want to thank you for allowing me the room to slightly explore the issues with my stepparents, and I do need ot take ownership because they were a part of my life. I remember being VERY detached as a kid.

 

Stepparenting is no game. Some kids are respectful and some are brats. I never tolerated my kids bad or disruptive behavior, so I can't imagine having a brat for a stepchild.

[pureinheart]

OP

 

I am not being judgemental of you in what I wrote. I just thought I had to caution you in dealing with Pakistani's do not underestimate the influecnce that the opinions of their family, friends, and community have in their lives. Even if they appear rebelious and irreligious in other ways. When it comes to marriage and family they still will take those things into account.

 

They will however "play" with people of other races and religions in all kinds of ways. Having very serious emotions for people they know their people won't approve of but not wanting to formalize a relationship.

 

Just beware.

 

Many a western MM has strung a woman along for years and years only to stay with the wife. I'm just saying.

 

Excellent caution advice...Lara, I forgot what culture you had referred to in your OP, although still felt a sense that something wasn't right here, so at the risk of angering you or saying the typical cookie cutter response I said what I sensed anyway. Now I know why. Nope they take the arranged M very serious.

 

Only time will tell, although please stick with us here at LS...just be careful, please, this may be more entailed than you think.

Edited January 15, 2011 by pureinheart

[woinlove]

 

Stepparenting is no game. Some kids are respectful and some are brats. I never tolerated my kids bad or disruptive behavior, so I can't imagine having a brat for a stepchild.

 

You are right it is no game. All children deserve a lot of love. While children who have not had the guidance and love they deserve, can be a tremendous amount of work, a loving adult, whether parent or stepparent, can make a lasting, positive impact on their lives. Not everyone is up to the job as it requires maturity, compassion and the ability to be unselfish. Lara, I think you have quite a bit of time before this will be an issue, if it ever is. If that time comes, the focus will not be on what makes it easier for MM, but what is best for the children.

[seren]

When my son's father and I split up, I waited for a very long time before I would even introduce him to my now husband. At least 18 months, for that is how long it took him to process his own feelings in relation to me and his Father no longer being married. I had to be 100% sure that the man I introduced my son to, the man who I let stay in my home was for keeps. Without that assurance, I would not have introduced them.

 

It should be that children are introduced to their parents SO only when that relationship is stable and open. Otherwise, it can set them up to form bonds with someone who isn't going to stick around. I also discussed the timing of introductions with my son's father, so that we would both be prepared for any questions and make sure that we were both happy with arrangements, to do so in any other way just causes conflict between the child's parents.

 

It is their decision, jointly and only their decision as to when thet both feel ready to allow this into their child's life. The child's feelings have to come first. if the father is moving in with someone with children, then that too should be planned with both parents and with the new partner, I expected my XH to have some one to one time with our son too, it is very hard for a child to be expected to slot into the new family. It is dammed hard work, but it should always be for the benefit of the child.

[Ladyblue]

I feel like I'm in the twilight zone.

 

First, it's like virgins answering the question: What does sex feel like?

 

GEL

 

This is about as smug and arrogant an answer as you can get. You honestly think you have to BE an OW to see how kids are affected by introductions to SO? And yeah, maybe you are still in the twilight zone, after all the years and lies your MM drug you through before you M him. Now you're M to him, you sit up there all smug and mock the rest of us, like everything went smooth as silk for you. But back to the subject.

 

My 3 year old son came home from his weekend visitation with Daddy, depressed and withdrawn. When I finally got him to open up, he bawled like his little heart was breaking because he had met her, and he was under the impression I was not going to be his mommy anymore. She was. He was totally terrified by the whole event.

 

And then we have on the thread just next to this one, the story of a Mother who really tried to be a good mother, really tried to handle it careful and shield her children about her A, but her young teen son was near suicidal.

 

The FIRST rule is for you and MM to be the grown-ups and to put the children's feelings and needs first. You can be pretty sure they love their mama. It's the nature of the beast. Anything you say orndonthat disrespects their mama will hurt and offend them. Keep that in the front of your thoughts.

 

If you really want to be a good step-parent, while you're waiting for Mr. Wonderful to get his stuff together, you could take a parenting class. Breakthrough Parenting is a good one you can find on line. I'm not in any way affiliated. I bet there are others. I just know about that one. While you're waiting for MM to make the move, you can be learning good parenting skills that might be helpful with your own kids too. You can never have too many good parent skills. Especially if you're going to be tryin to mother 5 kids.

 

Put the kids' feelings and needs first.

[IzzyB]

OP - I dont care about all your A dynamics with this man, and I am in no position to judge your relationship. However, I cant help but point out that your demands/wants/needs regarding this man's kids (not to mention your own) are not only unrealistic, THEY ARE DAMAGING. And that is not a judgment, that is a fact. At least according to YOUR description and the plans you relayed in your original post.

 

OP, lets be honest here, you are insisting that the MM see his kids while at YOUR place and he isnt even separated yet? WTH? Are you for real?

 

That is complete selfishness on your part. It always has to be about the kids first. And it would not be good for the children to be at your house to see their dad while he is still married, or even when he is first separated. Admit it, you are thinking only of yourself and YOUR needs here.

 

I am an OW so dont pin the judgment card on me here. You need to take a good look at yourself and your own issues. You admit you seek out men who are unavailable and that you are working on it?

 

How? are you in counseling? support groups? what books are you reading? The reason this is relevant here is that you are directly involving his children in your plans so you better come from a healthy foundation, and it is very obvious, you dont. Whether things workout with this MM or not, you still will be who you are with your issues - those wont go away by simple awareness and intellect.

 

Good luck

[desertIslandCactus]

This is about as smug and arrogant an answer as you can get. You honestly think you have to BE an OW to see how kids are affected by introductions to SO? And yeah, maybe you are still in the twilight zone, after all the years and lies your MM drug you through before you M him. Now you're M to him, you sit up there all smug and mock the rest of us, like everything went smooth as silk for you. But back to the subject.

 

My 3 year old son came home from his weekend visitation with Daddy, depressed and withdrawn. When I finally got him to open up, he bawled like his little heart was breaking because he had met her, and he was under the impression I was not going to be his mommy anymore. She was. He was totally terrified by the whole event.

 

And then we have on the thread just next to this one, the story of a Mother who really tried to be a good mother, really tried to handle it careful and shield her children about her A, but her young teen son was near suicidal.

 

The FIRST rule is for you and MM to be the grown-ups and to put the children's feelings and needs first. You can be pretty sure they love their mama. It's the nature of the beast. Anything you say orndonthat disrespects their mama will hurt and offend them. Keep that in the front of your thoughts.

 

If you really want to be a good step-parent, while you're waiting for Mr. Wonderful to get his stuff together, you could take a parenting class. Breakthrough Parenting is a good one you can find on line. I'm not in any way affiliated. I bet there are others. I just know about that one. While you're waiting for MM to make the move, you can be learning good parenting skills that might be helpful with your own kids too. You can never have too many good parent skills. Especially if you're going to be tryin to mother 5 kids.

 

Put the kids' feelings and needs first.

 

No Child Should Have To Go Through This .... and Three Years Old!!

 

Lara, This is not particularly directed at just you ..It's that your thread, mentioning the children - has opened the aspects that affect the children, the Innocents.. It is for all OW's who want their way .. in the name of 'love'.

 

The OM/OW - MW/MM affair/relationship is Not 'Love'. Love is not destructive, hurtful to others. (Not in the name of 'blending' - or anything else).

[Carrot2000]

 

He says it may take a year or 2 to make this transition but he cannot guarantee the timescale. He has said he won’t ever make a promise that he can’t keep – something I respect (as long it doesn’t use that as an excuse not to make a decision).

 

My wobbles are: what if he really can't do it? How much time and love can I invest and is it right that I proceed without a definitive timescale? (my instinct is not much).

 

Listen to your instinct. If the things he's saying don't sit well with you, don't dismiss these feelings.

 

As far as a timescale, the only one you should concern yourself with is yours. How long are you willing to wait? What's your deadline? Understand that his deadline for leaving his marriage will continue to move, so you must be fixed in your decision.

 

I agree with the posters who think you are jumping the gun about integrating the kids. As it stands, you don't even know if he ever plans to be with you exclusively, so you don't even have enough information about the state of your relationship to start worrying about his kids.

 

Seriously, it's entirely possible that although he's told his wife about you, he may have also assured her that you are not a threat and that your relationship is strictly sexual. He's probably telling her that he would never leave his wife and his children to live with another woman and children that are not his own.

[alexandria35]

Thank you Izzy for speaking up as an OW and keeping it real. It seems like some OW/OM jump on the "support the affair at all cost" bandwagon, no matter how abhorent the situation is.

 

I feel like I'm in the twilight zone.

 

First, it's like virgins answering the question: What does sex feel like?

 

GEL

 

I didn't get this statement either. The OP is talking about the children and most of the posters here are parents. Does being in an affair give people some greater insight when dealing with kids? I doubt it. It's more likely that people in affairs are suffering from very clouded thinking when it comes to the children. They have some kind of fantasy going on where they think the MP's children are going to just love them to bits and be happy that one of their parents deeply hurt and betrayed their other parent. It's really out of touch with reality.

 

Well I can see why some posters are upset with the OP's plotting and scheming to use the kids to get the MM out of his marriage, I wouldn't worry about it too much. I don't think this MM has any plans to leave his family.

 

This reminds me of an incident from my own childhood. My mom had a longterm boyfriend and he was cheating on her. She worked nights and he would babysit me. Well one night while my mom was at work his other girlfriend called him up to say she had just bought a brand new car and would he like to go out for a ride with her? He did and since he was babysitting me at the time (I was about 4) he had to take me along.

 

So we drive around for a little while and then she took us out for dinner and then right after dinner she bought me a large chocolate milkshake. Guess she was showing my mom's boyfriend how great she was with kids. I was a little chocolate fanatic and drank that milkshake down with gusto. Didn't matter to me that my little belly was already stuffed with pizza and soda. On the way home in that beautiful brand new vehicle, I threw up. I mean I seriously spewed. So much for that brand new car smell.Then my moms boyfriend said since I was so sick she should take us home right away, pronto! so he could take care of me and get me to bed. She dropped us off and then had to clean up that mess by herself. He didn't even offer to help her. The next day I told my mom about the lady who took me out and how I got sick in her car.

[GreenEyedLady]

As you can see from the posts that followed my post, you will need to be SURE. You will have to develop a thick skin and not let words hurt you.

 

It is what it is. We didn't pretend we just met. We were together and that's the way it was. It was definitely NOT a secret. And I wouldn't live like that. I don't lie.

 

I'll be honest. It's hard. It's much easier to hide out until after the divorce and *presto* appear. But that wasn't our truth. That wasn't us. And I love us and living with the consequences was preferable.

 

And I give credit to his XW who realized that it was important for her daughter to have a relationship with her dad and not try to make her hate him.

 

Because what we did is most BS's nightmares. They don't want their children around the OP. But I'd argue it's more to keep from hurting THEM, not their children.

 

And in the end, it doesn't matter what the other parent wants. What matters is what's in the parenting plan. They have no say in any other matters. That's the beauty of divorce.

 

We had a pretty easy time, nevertheless. I've heard horror stories. But if you're both sure, the storm eventually subsides. We trusted each other and knew that in the end, it would be all right. And if we had our families and each other, then that is all that mattered.

 

The people who loved us, still loved us. And we loved each other, even more.

 

People can say all they want about me or to me and I don't care. People who don't understand what I write, refuse to see another side. Sometimes hurt and fear keep people from seeing a side other than their own. Hurt because of betrayal, fear that if someone else's M could end then maybe theirs isn't so special either. The belief that a M contract equals possession and control.

 

I don't believe in possession and I certainly let no one but myself control my destiny.

 

Good luck, OP! It is a long journey. And it is different for everyone.

 

GEL

[desertIslandCactus]

You should be careful with this statement. In a few years, your M may not be so special either.

 

He's too old to dump her .. probably have prostrate problems first.. ha

 

But things do come back one way or another.

Edited January 16, 2011 by desertIslandCactus

[NoIDidn't]

You must have been older? I never had mature thoughts such as these when my parents D and united with their AP's.

 

My dad M the stepmother (no offence to intended to those that are stepparents on this site, they is MY experience, I use the word "the" for a reason) M immediately after the D. My mother didn't M my stepfather until several years later.

 

Lara, I want to thank you for allowing me the room to slightly explore the issues with my stepparents, and I do need ot take ownership because they were a part of my life. I remember being VERY detached as a kid.

 

Stepparenting is no game. Some kids are respectful and some are brats. I never tolerated my kids bad or disruptive behavior, so I can't imagine having a brat for a stepchild.

 

My life experiences have meant that I have had to have mature thoughts, even as a preteen. But I guess that's what you meant by older.

 

As far as the "brats" comment goes. It is very possible to strongly dislike a person and never mistreat or disrespect them.

 

The women I didn't like were these OWs that performed for me during their "interviews". My stepmoms and I got along just fine. The stepmoms were legit. The OWs were not.

[NoIDidn't]

As you can see from the posts that followed my post, you will need to be SURE.

 

{snip}

 

I'll be honest. It's hard. It's much easier to hide out until after the divorce and *presto* appear. But that wasn't our truth. That wasn't us. And I love us and living with the consequences was preferable.

 

And I give credit to his XW who realized that it was important for her daughter to have a relationship with her dad and not try to make her hate him.

 

Because what we did is most BS's nightmares. They don't want their children around the OP. But I'd argue it's more to keep from hurting THEM, not their children.

 

And in the end, it doesn't matter what the other parent wants. What matters is what's in the parenting plan. They have no say in any other matters. That's the beauty of divorce.

 

OP, you are going to have to be more mature than some others have been should this man get a divorce - as there is no beauty in it when kids are involved.

 

Just because you can do it, doesn't mean you should do it. Here you are being advised to help him devise a deceptive parenting plan that works in his and your favor without thought for how it might impact his children from a former OW. Every thing has its season, so its better to do it out in the open and respectfully than in the shadows as said above.

 

Children aren't dumb. I can guarantee you that they would put one and one together when they got older and not appreciate what was done concerning them if you rush things or deceive their mother.

[pureinheart]

My life experiences have meant that I have had to have mature thoughts' date=' even as a preteen. But I guess that's what you meant by older. [/b']

 

As far as the "brats" comment goes. It is very possible to strongly dislike a person and never mistreat or disrespect them.

 

The women I didn't like were these OWs that performed for me during their "interviews". My stepmoms and I got along just fine. The stepmoms were legit. The OWs were not.

 

Yes, that was what was meant, I was 7 and did not think that way, I was just a kid.

 

I'm not sure why the context in which I used the word "brat" was so popular, although it was a reference word. Period. ..unruly...better? Before I get roasted, all of my kids friends called me mom, still do, all of them. I am priddy strict and run a disiplined household, so I never understood why they liked me the way they did...I was considered cool. FTR a kid/teen has to really bad for me to call them close to a brat anything...I dealt mainly with gang members and such, they all respected me and I respected them.

 

Personally I think it is very important how the kids behave, especially if you are a stepparent...the stepparent can be the target because that is the weak point for the biological parent, kids aren't stupid.

 

ExDM's kids were horribly disrespectful (is this better?)...and why, because they could be, they were encouraged to be disrespectful to me..BTW I personally saw exDM condoning disrespect and actually encouraging it towards his exW's bf...I was disgusted.

[pureinheart]

The answer to the OPs question isn't nearly as complicated as you've made it.

 

WHEN he's divorced, THEN the OP should worry about blending families.

 

Before then? Its premature.

 

No point in leading this woman down the garden path.

 

Actually checking things out and asking questions is quite responsible, isn't it? I think so.

 

I remember making inquiries and learning about investments and listening to a radio program called, "Money Matters". At the time I had little money...ESPECIALLY not enough to invest on this level...my mother thought I was crazy. About 6 mo later I came into a great deal of money...hummm not so crazy, just good planning in the event they do end up together.

Edited January 16, 2011 by pureinheart

[NoIDidn't]

Actually checking things out and asking questions is quite responsible, isn't it? I think so.

 

I remember making inquiries and learning about investments and listening to a radio program called, "Money Matters". At the time I had little money...ESPECIALLY not enough to invest on this level...my mother thought I was crazy. About 6 mo later I came into a great deal of money...hummm not so crazy, just good planning in the event they do end up together.

 

There is a difference between checking things out for money matters vs the lives of innocent children that might see their home life fractured by divorce.

 

Not even apples and oranges, Pure. More like rocks and cotton balls. Its much easier to ask questions about money matters and investments than about someone else's children - no matter what you think about where the R may lead.

[NoIDidn't]

Yes, that was what was meant, I was 7 and did not think that way, I was just a kid.

 

I'm not sure why the context in which I used the word "brat" was so popular, although it was a reference word. Period. ..unruly...better? Before I get roasted, all of my kids friends called me mom, still do, all of them. I am priddy strict and run a disiplined household, so I never understood why they liked me the way they did...I was considered cool. FTR a kid/teen has to really bad for me to call them close to a brat anything...I dealt mainly with gang members and such, they all respected me and I respected them.

 

Personally I think it is very important how the kids behave, especially if you are a stepparent...the stepparent can be the target because that is the weak point for the biological parent, kids aren't stupid.

 

ExDM's kids were horribly disrespectful (is this better?)...and why, because they could be, they were encouraged to be disrespectful to me..BTW I personally saw exDM condoning disrespect and actually encouraging it towards his exW's bf...I was disgusted.

 

Okay, then I was older by your definition then. At 7, my dad was "between marriages", and I, too, was busy being a kid. I didn't have to deal with what the OP proposes. Especially since my parents weren't married and my mom stayed out of his romantic life completely.

 

I am still pretty close with the stepmoms that came after the first marriage. Especially stepmom #2. Even my former stepbrother and I keep in touch.

 

On integrating the MM's kids to make the split easier. I think that's a fool's errand. Its not going to make it easier for the kids to get along with the OW. It will make it easier on the kids for their parents to get along during the split.

 

The OW should really just stay out of it.

[Ladyblue]

I hope the OP is familiar with the culture from which this man hails. The chances of him being faithful are slim to none. Respect for women is not common for many men of this culture. He obviously didn't respect the OP. Otherwise, we would not have started his relationship with her as an affair.

 

You make a very good point here. In college I had close friends from Pakistan. I also worked in a position where I dealt with them closely'and was fairly deeply immersed in their culture. As a result, I was also drawn into a divorce/child kidnapping situation where the kids were hidden in Pakistan.

 

While i had good friends and socialized within the groups, I would never date any of them because of exactly what you state here.

 

In their culture, there is ESPECIALLY no respect for women who participate in sex with a married man. While the men gladly participate, their underlying opinion is that women who do so are lower than dirt. Also, women who have sex during daylight are disdained and considered dirt. I don't care how "Weaternized" they are, these are principles these men were taught at their Mother's knee, and no matter how worldly and "Western" they live, this is what they believe in their heart. I learned these things straight from the horses mouth(s). There's more. Lots more. It's a very different culture.

 

The fact that you have already involved yourself sexually with this man, in that culture, makes you unworthy of any respect or consideration should things turn ugly.

 

The things that have been said in this thread by people close to the culture are accurate. And they havent touched the tip of the iceburg. Please heed.

 

The fact that he already has frequently had extramarital sex is not a good sign either - in any culture.

 

I should also mention here, if HER family, HER brothers, uncles, cousins, don't want you to be around her kids - you won't be. No divorce decree or "parenting plan" can make it so.

 

Of course, I know that as OW, we always think our situation will be different.

 

Good luck. I have a feeling you're gonna need more than most of us.

[Ladyblue]

As you can see from the posts that followed my post, you will need to be SURE. You will have to develop a thick skin and not let words hurt you.

 

It is what it is. We didn't pretend we just met. We were together and that's the way it was. It was definitely NOT a secret. And I wouldn't live like that. I don't lie.

 

You may not lie, but your MM lied to you for a year about even being married. And HE didn't tell you even then. Someone else busted him out. I wouldn't want to live with a man who could lie so long and so thoroughly about something so major as being MARRIED. (And of course, as some BS is sure to come along and point out, he lied to his wife all that time, too.) There was a whole lot of lies going on.

 

I'll be honest. It's hard. It's much easier to hide out until after the divorce and *presto* appear. But that wasn't our truth. That wasn't us. And I love us and living with the consequences was preferable.

 

No, your truth was that your MM lied to you about a very major part of his life situation for a very long time. Even after someone else ratted him out, it took another two years of dragging his feet before you had him all to yourself. Three years, one of them living a total lie. That is the truth you lived.

 

And I give credit to his XW who realized that it was important for her daughter to have a relationship with her dad and not try to make her hate him.

 

Obviously she was a good Mom and put her child's welfare first.

 

Because what we did is most BS's nightmares. They don't want their children around the OP. But I'd argue it's more to keep from hurting THEM, not their children.

 

I would think that having your true love/soulmate lie to you for a year about his marital status, and then take another two more years before actually choosing you, would be your nightmare.

 

As for who is hurt by being around the new OW, I think most of the time the Mother's first concern is whether the child will get confusing mixed messages, such as my son did, and concern about the character of a total stranger who has been selected without Mom's input to be a major role model for their child. I was concerned that the OW would not love my child the way I did, and would not put his needs and well-being first. I was concerned that she would contradict, or not reinforce, the values I taught him. I know those were my concerns. My "nightmare" was how well my child would be cared for, and how well he would be taught. And I feel pretty certain that for most mothers, their children's well-being IS their first and foremost concern. When it comes to our children, for you to think that you as OW is the betrayed BS nightmare, IMHO, is just narcistic on your part.

 

And in the end, it doesn't matter what the other parent wants.

 

What an ugly and out-of-touch attitude. OW may come, and OW may go. Marriages may start and end. But that "other parent" will ALWAYS be the child's parent. That "other parent" will be legally responsible for that child until they are an adult. IT SHOULD MATTER VERY MUCH what the "other parent" wants, thinks, believes.

 

What matters is what's in the parenting plan. They have no say in any other matters. That's the beauty of divorce.

 

The BEAUTY of divorce? There is no beauty in divorce. The death of another persons hopes and plans and dreams is never beautiful. Even if it means I get what I want. To find beauty in another soul's pain? That's just sick.

 

We had a pretty easy time, nevertheless. I've heard horror stories. But if you're both sure, the storm eventually subsides. We trusted each other and knew that in the end, it would be all right. And if we had our families and each other, then that is all that mattered.

 

The people who loved us, still loved us. And we loved each other, even more.

 

People can say all they want about me or to me and I don't care. People who don't understand what I write, refuse to see another side. Sometimes hurt and fear keep people from seeing a side other than their own. Hurt because of betrayal, fear that if someone else's M could end then maybe theirs isn't so special either. The belief that a M contract equals possession and control.

 

Are YOU seeing the "other side?" Can you see past the glory of the affair to see that real mothers have real concerns for the well-being of their children, and the OW is neither the center of their focus nor their greatest concern - that the OW is a factor only as it impacts the health and well-being of their children; their children's welfare trumps everything else?

 

I don't believe in possession and I certainly let no one but myself control my destiny.

 

So your H and your children don't factor in? Them's big words, Missy.

 

Good luck, OP! It is a long journey. And it is different for everyone.

 

GEL

 

Because you have chosen to hold your relationship up as an example and role model, I have chosen to comment on it. Truth in advertising and all.

[thomasb]

Very good post. And very true.

[Spark1111]

When I discovered my H's affair, while devasted and in shock, I STILL turned to my young adult children and said:

 

"No matter what happens between your father and I, he, too deserves love in his life. If this is the person he chooses to spend the rest of his life with, I expect you to treat her with respect. It is how I raised you."

 

"Also, there are 'no sides' here. He is your father and he loves you. I do not want nor expect you to defend me at the expense of feelings you have for him. It's our marriage and we will either dissolve it or fix it, and we will all go on."

 

Amazingly, my first thought was to help and protect them from the affair fallout. We had lived such a good family life.....truly.

 

There were still shattered and old enough to have their say.

 

My first-born D wanted to go knock on OW's door and tell her off. Thankfully, I talked her out of it.

 

My second born D told her dad: "You are exactly the type of man you warned us never to date!" Ouch.

 

My S....a puddle of tears.

 

OP, my advice is for you to do NOTHING for a very long time. If and when he divorces, perhaps a year later he can introduce you "as a friend."

 

The ages of the children do not matter in this regard, IMHO.

 

You will be hated, seen as the inteloper, the home-wrecker if you move too fast, too soon.

 

Do not touch this with a ten-foot pole if you have any hope of acceptance. He has to act: First, divorce; second; allow the children to mourn the marriage; and third, after a comfortable and long period of adjustment.....meet you.