workaholism or me?

[auversoi]

I cant help feeling upset when my boyfriend goes and uses the computer for what I think is a long time or works past the normal working day. It is really bugging me , we have a long history but I am feeling so bugged by it I am wondering if it wouldnt be wise for me to get my own place for a while. It may be an issue I have I dont know, We have had fights in the past over computers because when we first began living together he was always on the computer. I am not perfect and have my own faults. I dont know that these are necessarily faults but I dont know what to do? Also I am feeling very hesitant to tell him exactly what is bothering me for some reason, partly because I feel this is old stuff partly because I do not want to be vulnerable.

[Thinkalot]

Well, firstly, you do need to get over your fear of speaking openly with him. Communication is so important. If you fear you may be going over old ground, then make sure you speak calmly and fairly, in a non-blaming manner.

 

Also, I think you two should be able to sort out an issue like this, if you have a healthy relationship. I mean you are going to encounter much bigger problems than this, so I don't see moving out as a solution, unless, you have other concerns as well.

 

I know it can be tough finding the right balance...it takes work and compromise. Try and figure out a plan which suits you both, where your guy maybe stays off the computer and does stuff with you certain nights, and other nights, you occupy yourself with other interests so you don't mind him working. That sort of arrangement works in my home. My guy works a lot, but we have made sure we create 'us' time too...and I've taken up lots of my own activities during the week too.

 

I hope this helps you. Let us know how things work out. Good luck.

[capitald]

Thinkalot's advice is really great. I think you really do need to communicate. I find that people that don't say what their needs are get walked all over by others in life. I also agree that not blaming is essential since blaming may provoke the others anger without resolving anything.

 

About the vulnerability issue, an old friend of mine said that a controlling person feels vulnerable when they open up, while a strong person will find joy in the act of disclosing themselves or their needs. Good luck and remember to breathe.