russell1968 Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Hi Gang, This is my first post, so sorry if it’s going to be a long one, so I apologize in advance. Almost 8 weeks ago my wife of 5 years told me she didn’t love me anymore and she wanted to separate, I was shocked and I managed to calm her down but only for 5 days until she told me she didn’t love me anymore and couldn’t and she wanted out, she then ran out of the house and left me with my two daughters one is 5 the other is 17 months, she then came back around 5.00am and I told her I was going to my parents to give her some time to cool down. She told me she hated the way I had been to her and how controlling I was, she also bought up stuff from the very beginning of our relationship she seems very disappointed that I didn’t fall head over heals in love with her at the beginning of our relationship, and she can remember arguments from seven years ago.She seems to be holding grudges. I then accused her of having a affair with a neighbor who has a daughter the same age as mine, and who she has been smoking pot with. She went crazy and asked me for a divorce, I then left her for a couple of days, and she told me she that she loved me as the father of her children but was not in love with me anymore, she then said she wanted to go out and have some drinks with her friends and I agreed to come back to the family home while she went out and take care of my girls. I have been doing this pretty much every weekend, she has been getting of her face on booze, coke and pot, she has also been taunting me about all the guys that are after her, we have also spent days out as a family which have been really nice, but can’t seem to stop myself from asking her about our future, she then backs off and gets angry and rude! She has also taken advantage of me financially. It got to the time where I couldn’t commute from my parents anymore and she couldn’t stay in the house as the mortgage is in my name, so I have giving her a legal separation amount so she cant set up in a new house and she has used her own money to move in and she still hasn’t signed the agreement. Two days before she was about to move out I called her and said she didn’t have to move out we could work it out, her reply was I wouldn’t be doing this if I wanted our relationship to work, her priority was her daughters and not me, she said she was happy to see how things worked out between us, as she wasn’t seeing anyone yet. She also keeps telling me about all the guys that are after her as she knows how this winds me up. Two days previous to this she had agreed to counseling and things did seem to be improving, however I messed up confronting things and pressurizing her. I sent her an email the night before she moved asking her for a divorce as I was so disappointed that after 7 years and two children she wouldn’t even attempt to fix this and I couldn’t see a way forward, I also asked her to respect my privacy and not communicate with me for a while. I got some pathetic response. The day of the move I came back home and she had cleared me out she then turns up with my daughters, I ask her to leave and not to talk to me anymore , she dumps my 17 month old baby on me and leaves, she left me with no blankets and soothers, She turns up in the morning and we have a huge argument and I tell her to get out , she then says it’s still her house, eventually she comes back 20 mins later, I then asked her to talk, I said what she would like to happen between us, all she would say is she wants to see how it goes and start from the beginning, she said she still loved me but wasn’t in love with me, I asked her if she still found me attractive and she said yes, she said right now all she can think about is living in her house and focusing on herself and she told me to do the same and stop focusing on saving the relationship but focus on myself, she’s 27 and I’m 42 she wants to find her way in the world by herself . I still love her and want her back, any advice or help would be most welcome, part of me just wants to file for divorce and move on! What can I do?? Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 similar thing with my stbx, she's 29 and I'm 40. Had been together 8yrs, married 2.5yrs. Basically, with such a big age difference I think she thought maybe she sold herself short by marrying at 26 and wants to have a bunch of friends, go out, and be a single mom. Long story short, she wants to be an "independent woman" which she hadn't been since she had been with me since 2002. She said all the same things-- I love you but Im not in love with you, I love you for being our sons father etc etc. After she left I fought really hard for our marriage and my family, just made things worse. I would suggest taking a step back, not pressuring her and definitely do not make things worse fighting with her or throwing out accusations. I know its hard to keep your emotions under control in this situation, but you have to do it. How you handle this now could determine whether things can work out in the future for you and your wife or headed to divorce which for me has been hell. Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 I will try to pay it cool, but my instinct is to fight for my family! I'm waiting to see if she signs the seperation agreement, which will then determine my next move. It's weird when the mother of your children knocks on the front door to be let in. Link to post Share on other sites
bugaha Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 If her daughters were a priority in her life, she wouldn't be out partying it up doing blow and dumping them on you without the resources that they need to be comfortable. Sounds to me that she's got some serious issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 If her daughters were a priority in her life, she wouldn't be out partying it up doing blow and dumping them on you without the resources that they need to be comfortable. Sounds to me that she's got some serious issues. I think she feels like she has missed out on all her youth! I'm there 100% for my daughters! she know's i'm a solid guy and will never let them down Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 If you can get proof that she is doing drugs this can get you some serious leverage in divorce court. I think this is over so you need to start learning how to play hardball. Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 (edited) If you can get proof that she is doing drugs this can get you some serious leverage in divorce court. I think this is over so you need to start learning how to play hardball. There is one simple pay off in the seperation agreement! Once she signs and agrees to it, then it's legally enforceable, and i have 50% custody, so this isn't the issue! I want to fight to keep my family together, i look at my 17 month old daughters face and i owe to her to try! It may well be over? But until the fat lady sings i need some help and advice on how to save this so in the years to come when my daughters ask me what went wrong i can tell them i tried 100% to save it Edited January 13, 2011 by russell1968 spelling Link to post Share on other sites
What_Next Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 At this point your heart already knows that she is cheating, but your brain cannot let you accept it. Well, accept it. I hope I don't insult you, but your wife is acting like a selfish irresponsible child. I expect the age difference is at its root. Protect yourself, protect your children. Get proof of her behavior and go for full custody. Painful yes, but necessary. Your wife is gone and won't be back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 At this point your heart already knows that she is cheating, but your brain cannot let you accept it. Well, accept it. I hope I don't insult you, but your wife is acting like a selfish irresponsible child. I expect the age difference is at its root. Protect yourself, protect your children. Get proof of her behavior and go for full custody. Painful yes, but necessary. Your wife is gone and won't be back. I honestly don't think she is, but i can't say for sure 100%! However i do not have the finacial means to have my children 100% of the time. I already have my girls 5 nights a week, I need to save this relationship, so any advice on the subject of getting a wife back would be most welcome! Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted January 14, 2011 Author Share Posted January 14, 2011 I would really like to hear Rob1971 responce to my situation as i think he has the right idear? Link to post Share on other sites
sirweasles Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 You need to make sure she knows you love her try to tell her at least once every 2 days and not more than 2 times a day however all relationship talk must end unless she brings it up you are now going to have to show her that you have a life and that you are worth somthing do not go NC that is stricktly for getting over sombody talk to her nicely always be happy when you talk to her and start working your way back into her support circle eventually if there is a chance you will beable to talk to her about life and she will tell you everything again but still dont bring up the relationship wait for her. In the mean time you need to protect your kids drugs do messed up things to people and can make them do things they wouldnt normally do. Ive seen it ive been around it. Your kids dont need to be around it whatsoever. Link to post Share on other sites
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