he just told me he loved me after so long

[fooled once]

I agree with you. I also wouldn't respect my MM if he just picked up and left without any thought. There are many things involved with leaving a spouse. Yes, there are finances, but more than that, when children are involved that is greatly taken into consideration. It's not always easy. Then again, many marriages aren't easy either. I was in a marriage that wasn't easy, and I can say that I've had more joy, love, and hope for the future than I ever had when I was married.

 

Hasn't this guy had 2+ years to work out his master plan of leaving his wife and kids?

 

Usually, people who are "in love" and all that work on that stuff. And if the OP just knows he has loved her for a long time, why hasn't this been discussed already?

 

Why the need for "time"? Cheaters don't take TIME to think about what they are doing when they betray their spouse. Cheaters don't take TIME to contemplate how betraying and lying is going to affect the family; why take the time now?

 

You can't have it both ways.

 

He isn't this great dude because he needs time and just can't run out on his family. He wasn't this great dude when he betrayed his wife and children. Being a coward and being disrespectful to those who trusted and believed in him are not honorable traits.

 

And yep, if a man loves a woman, he WILL move mountains to be with her. He wouldn't want to waste ANY MORE time with the lying and gaslighting he has been doing to his family. Maybe the cheater should have thought of all these complications of ending his marriage PRIOR to cheating?

 

Like several have pointed out - lashing out at the posters who state the obvious is a defense mechanism. Calling someone a "BS" or being snarky to posters who aren't rah rahing that after 2 years, the guy told you he loved is showing how they must have hit a nerve with you.

 

He goes home to his wife. He spends holidays with his wife. He spends family dinners with his wife. He shares a room / a bed with his wife. They shower together, they walk around undressed in front of each other. They discuss their future, they share memories. I do understand how that hurts the mistress/other woman. But it is part of being in an affair. You honestly have no idea (nor do I) of what goes on in his home - whether they make love daily/weekly or if they tell each other they love each other all the time.

 

What so many former OW are trying to say is - we have all been there, done that. We know the scenario. Very little changes, excepts names and places. The cheater is conflicted, doesn't want to hurt his family / wife more than he already has (but of course he didn't think of that prior to cheating). Yet he wants the other woman to wait, to keep him as a priority, to continue to be his soft landing, his ego stroke, etc.

 

People who love someone don't do what so many of these cheaters do. They don't string along the other woman/the wife. They don't lie. They don't betray. They don't cheat.

 

If the marriage is over, end it. Don't cheat. End it. Marriages end. That is a fact. People grow apart. There is no shame in that. There is shame in sneaking around, lying and being a coward. There is shame in purposefully and willfully hurting someone. There is shame in those actions.

 

MAYBE your situation will be different. MAYBE the MM will leave his wife for you. MAYBE you will have 'happily ever after'.

 

Above all, the wife doesn't deserve what he has done to her. Tell her. Let her know what scum she is married to. Set HER free. Then you can have him. She deserves to be loved and respected and she deserves to be able to make her own decisions on her life.

 

Good luck.

[violaaa]

Hasn't this guy had 2+ years to work out his master plan of leaving his wife and kids?

 

Usually, people who are "in love" and all that work on that stuff. And if the OP just knows he has loved her for a long time, why hasn't this been discussed already?

 

Why the need for "time"? Cheaters don't take TIME to think about what they are doing when they betray their spouse. Cheaters don't take TIME to contemplate how betraying and lying is going to affect the family; why take the time now?

 

You can't have it both ways.

 

He isn't this great dude because he needs time and just can't run out on his family. He wasn't this great dude when he betrayed his wife and children. Being a coward and being disrespectful to those who trusted and believed in him are not honorable traits.

 

And yep, if a man loves a woman, he WILL move mountains to be with her. He wouldn't want to waste ANY MORE time with the lying and gaslighting he has been doing to his family. Maybe the cheater should have thought of all these complications of ending his marriage PRIOR to cheating?

 

Like several have pointed out - lashing out at the posters who state the obvious is a defense mechanism. Calling someone a "BS" or being snarky to posters who aren't rah rahing that after 2 years, the guy told you he loved is showing how they must have hit a nerve with you.

 

He goes home to his wife. He spends holidays with his wife. He spends family dinners with his wife. He shares a room / a bed with his wife. They shower together, they walk around undressed in front of each other. They discuss their future, they share memories. I do understand how that hurts the mistress/other woman. But it is part of being in an affair. You honestly have no idea (nor do I) of what goes on in his home - whether they make love daily/weekly or if they tell each other they love each other all the time.

 

What so many former OW are trying to say is - we have all been there, done that. We know the scenario. Very little changes, excepts names and places. The cheater is conflicted, doesn't want to hurt his family / wife more than he already has (but of course he didn't think of that prior to cheating). Yet he wants the other woman to wait, to keep him as a priority, to continue to be his soft landing, his ego stroke, etc.

 

People who love someone don't do what so many of these cheaters do. They don't string along the other woman/the wife. They don't lie. They don't betray. They don't cheat.

 

If the marriage is over, end it. Don't cheat. End it. Marriages end. That is a fact. People grow apart. There is no shame in that. There is shame in sneaking around, lying and being a coward. There is shame in purposefully and willfully hurting someone. There is shame in those actions.

 

MAYBE your situation will be different. MAYBE the MM will leave his wife for you. MAYBE you will have 'happily ever after'.

 

Above all, the wife doesn't deserve what he has done to her. Tell her. Let her know what scum she is married to. Set HER free. Then you can have him. She deserves to be loved and respected and she deserves to be able to make her own decisions on her life.

 

Good luck.

 

 

 

 

GREAT POST Fooled Once!:bunny: I open my eyes and see more of the dynamic of cheating among cake eaters!! Never want to be these cakes!

[woinlove]

Everyone who has not been in this situation says, f he loves you, he would move heaven and earth to be with you, but what if that involved really really upsetting many many people, surely he would not be worth much if he just walked out without seriously thinking about it, I would not expect him to and I would not respect that.

 

I agree with you. I also wouldn't respect my MM if he just picked up and left without any thought. There are many things involved with leaving a spouse. Yes, there are finances, but more than that, when children are involved that is greatly taken into consideration. It's not always easy. Then again, many marriages aren't easy either. I was in a marriage that wasn't easy, and I can say that I've had more joy, love, and hope for the future than I ever had when I was married.

 

I don't understand this perspective that seems to suggest you respect a MM more the longer he keeps up both the affair and marriage. Obviously, for someone who is going to check out of the marriage, the most respectful behavior is to be honest and end one's marriage before one becomes involved with another woman and lies about it. Given that we aren't talking about men who behave like that, isn't it better to keep the deception to as short a period as possible? While MM is leading a double life, he is hurting a lot of people, his W, his OW, and his children, if he has them, are missing out on having a fully involved father as well. Why is prolonging this worthy of more respect? Over two years of this behavior seems like two years too much. How many years does a MM have to lead a double life in order for you to respect him more?

[lovingagain]

Hey lovingagain,

 

You seem happy at the moment, he finally admitted that he loves you and that is a really big milestone in your eyes, so I'm happy for you that you're happy.

 

Having been in your shoes before, I feel this urge to tell you all the things wrong with As and warn you so you don't get hurt and blah blah,, but it seems like everyone is already doing that.

 

Besides, right now, you're not going to listen to it really anyways, because you fianlly got your 5 mins of happiness and you want them to last and you want to enjoy it.

 

Somethings we have to learn on our own, and the lesson isn't always the same for everyone. If you're happy, that's great. Be happy.

 

My only little bit of advice to you is to just try and be objective sometimes and be as honest as you can be with yourself at least about your needs, you feelings and what you really want for yourself.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Thanks TC, you are right of course.

 

Happiness is a rare thing, I will cherish it whilst it is there but realise that it is not there forever no matter what situation I am in.

[BB07]

Thanks TC, you are right of course.

 

Happiness is a rare thing, I will cherish it whilst it is there but realise that it is not there forever no matter what situation I am in.

 

I hate to poop on your parade LA, but this happiness you feel right now, can cost you more than you can begin to imagine down the road. Right now, you can't fathom that and you think that it's worth it, no matter what the cost.

 

It can mess with your head, not just your heart, it can leave you broken in ways that you will wonder if you can ever be OK again.

[half_ofa_heart]

I hate to poop on your parade LA, but this happiness you feel right now, can cost you more than you can begin to imagine down the road. Right now, you can't fathom that and you think that it's worth it, no matter what the cost.

 

It can mess with your head, not just your heart, it can leave you broken in ways that you will wonder if you can ever be OK again.

 

 

THE BOLDED ABOVE IS NOT JUST ADVICE - PURE FACT!!!! Those three little words just made you drink the kool-aid. It is sooooo hard to see that this is a dead end relationship but more importantly, what it will do to you as a person. Broken is an understatement.

 

Great post BB

[donnamaybe]

I know it hurts, but it hurts more to be without him and he is the same. He has said how much he's hurting and he is hurting me and we are a bit stuck for now, I am well aware of that, I don't need you to tell me.

"He has said..." I would put a LOT more stock in what he does, and very little in what he says. Two years just to hear that he loves you is not a good sign. "You are a bit stuck for now..." Really? What is "stuck" in his life that he can't choose to be with you now, but could later? What's going to change? Is it going to be when the kids have all moved out of the house? Outside of that, what else could possibly be a big enough change that would enable him to leave his M and be with you if he hasn't done it by now?

 

I am not speaking with an attitude of "disdain," by the way, regardless of what some posters may choose to believe. Do you want to be someone who is still waiting on your MM for another year? Five years? Yes, you DO put a time limit on love when you have self love as well. You deserve happiness. Does happiness, for you, consist of a R with a man who goes home to his wife every night? You know you have all the best intentions in the world. He SAYS he has the best intentions, but when is he actually going to make a decision to be with YOU?

Edited January 17, 2011 by donnamaybe

[2sunny]

No he loves his family more than me, I respect that

 

How can you put a time limit on love.

 

I know it hurts, but it hurts more to be without him and he is the same. He has said how much he's hurting and he is hurting me and we are a bit stuck for now, I am well aware of that, I don't need you to tell me.

 

where is your healthy boundary on love being loving instead of involving pain? why are you willing to settle for so little for yourself?

 

 

 

love isn't meant to inflict pain... i'm thinking you have the idea of love as backwards.

 

why do you believe love is supposed to involve pain?

[starlight102]

Hasn't this guy had 2+ years to work out his master plan of leaving his wife and kids?

 

Usually, people who are "in love" and all that work on that stuff. And if the OP just knows he has loved her for a long time, why hasn't this been discussed already?

 

My MM and I have discussed this, and I do know what the timeline and plan is – I just have not posted them here.

 

Why the need for "time"? Cheaters don't take TIME to think about what they are doing when they betray their spouse. Cheaters don't take TIME to contemplate how betraying and lying is going to affect the family; why take the time now?

 

You can't have it both ways.

 

See above response.

 

He isn't this great dude because he needs time and just can't run out on his family. He wasn't this great dude when he betrayed his wife and children. Being a coward and being disrespectful to those who trusted and believed in him are not honorable traits.

 

Since you are not aware of the complete story, this comment is mute.

 

And yep, if a man loves a woman, he WILL move mountains to be with her. He wouldn't want to waste ANY MORE time with the lying and gaslighting he has been doing to his family. Maybe the cheater should have thought of all these complications of ending his marriage PRIOR to cheating?

 

Unfortunately, life doesn't always go as easily as we hoped. I know I didn't intend or expect my marriage to be the way it was nor did I ever expect to fall in love with a MM.

 

Like several have pointed out - lashing out at the posters who state the obvious is a defense mechanism. Calling someone a "BS" or being snarky to posters who aren't rah rahing that after 2 years, the guy told you he loved is showing how they must have hit a nerve with you.

 

Nope, this honestly didn't hit a nerve with me, what bothered me again is the tone used and the seeming necessity by many posters to under value everything that comes out of the mouths of the OW.

 

He goes home to his wife. He spends holidays with his wife. He spends family dinners with his wife. He shares a room / a bed with his wife. They shower together, they walk around undressed in front of each other. They discuss their future, they share memories. I do understand how that hurts the mistress/other woman. But it is part of being in an affair. You honestly have no idea (nor do I) of what goes on in his home - whether they make love daily/weekly or if they tell each other they love each other all the time.

 

No, we don't know what goes on in people's homes. That's very true. My MM and I have disucssed all of the issues you mentioned above and MORE. That said, I trust in what he tells me. Of course, this statement will be torn apart by posters here, and that's fine. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. It's just like in ANY relationship.....nobody truly knows what goes on behind closed doors.

 

What so many former OW are trying to say is - we have all been there, done that. We know the scenario. Very little changes, excepts names and places. The cheater is conflicted, doesn't want to hurt his family / wife more than he already has (but of course he didn't think of that prior to cheating). Yet he wants the other woman to wait, to keep him as a priority, to continue to be his soft landing, his ego stroke, etc.

 

Of course, some MMs are conflicted, are cake eaters, etc., but not all are -- just like not all MW are. I don't believe that being conflicted is the sole reason why some MMs don't leave sooner. There is more to it than that.

 

People who love someone don't do what so many of these cheaters do. They don't string along the other woman/the wife. They don't lie. They don't betray. They don't cheat.

 

You're right - some do string people along, and this can and does happen even when both people are single (if one loves the other more). It's sad and definitely isn't something new to occur in relationships.

 

If the marriage is over, end it. Don't cheat. End it. Marriages end. That is a fact. People grow apart. There is no shame in that. There is shame in sneaking around, lying and being a coward. There is shame in purposefully and willfully hurting someone. There is shame in those actions.

 

Yes, marriages do end, people divorce and there isn't shame in that. Sometimes in life people fall in love with each other and want to be together but for whatever reason there are obstacles right at that very moment.

 

MAYBE your situation will be different. MAYBE the MM will leave his wife for you. MAYBE you will have 'happily ever after'.

 

Above all, the wife doesn't deserve what he has done to her. Tell her. Let her know what scum she is married to. Set HER free. Then you can have him. She deserves to be loved and respected and she deserves to be able to make her own decisions on her life.

 

 

 

I don't think that name calling serves a purpose here, but you are entitled to your opinion. As I mentioned above, MM and I have discussed his plans and timeframe at length. He is fully aware of my expectations. I have always been honest with him, and he hasn’t sugar coated anything with me.

[donnamaybe]

Um, I have to wonder why anyone would respond to a post made to the OP as if the post were made to them. Once again, this thread is attempting to be taken over by someone else. Seems like a familiar MO. Hmmm....

 

OP, just please don't let this MM use up years of your life on his whim. Look at my last post and see if you can answer the questions posed therein in a manner that satisfies you - truly.

[jthorne]

Um, I have to wonder why anyone would respond to a post made to the OP as if the post were made to them. Once again, this thread is attempting to be taken over by someone else. Seems like a familiar MO. Hmmm....

Thank you, I was just getting ready to comment on that. I thought maybe I just hadn't had enough coffee...

 

I will admit to being interested in this so-called "timeline" though.

[lovingagain]

I hate to poop on your parade LA, but this happiness you feel right now, can cost you more than you can begin to imagine down the road. Right now, you can't fathom that and you think that it's worth it, no matter what the cost.

 

It can mess with your head, not just your heart, it can leave you broken in ways that you will wonder if you can ever be OK again.

 

Okay this is my thread so I will ignore the hijack.

 

Already there BB, it's too late. Head completely messed too but I just have to go with it for now, it's like being in a river where the current is too strong. Someone throw me a branch LOL

[BB07]

Okay this is my thread so I will ignore the hijack.

 

Already there BB, it's too late. Head completely messed too but I just have to go with it for now, it's like being in a river where the current is too strong. Someone throw me a branch LOL

 

Some of us are throwing you that branch, but you aren't grabbing it.

 

It's never too late and I don't think you are realizing how destructive it can be farther down the road.

 

It is up to you.......there is no disputing that.

[lovingagain]

Some of us are throwing you that branch, but you aren't grabbing it.

 

It's never too late and I don't think you are realizing how destructive it can be farther down the road.

 

It is up to you.......there is no disputing that.

 

Oh I do BB, I can see in the flow I am coming up to a massive waterfall, let's hope I can cling on.

[Nyx]

...a man who loves you would DO ANYTHING in order to be with you.

 

One quote from this thread, but other posters have asked what the OP's MM is going to do to prove with actions more than words that he actually loves her. I think someone else said that they would 'expect' their lover/partner/MM or whatever he is, to have come out with those three immortal words within a two year time period.

 

I don't know lovingain's history but her situation regarding her MM's admission does make me wonder, not what it means, but what it entails.

 

If you've been seeing an MM for two years, one year, one month, one week (pick the time period that suits your equation) at what point should he tell you he loves you and drop everything and everyone to be with you?

 

Or should he not say those three words if he can't follow through with that immediately? Can he categorically not mean it if he doesn't leave his wife to be with you within a given time frame?

 

I would venture that anyone who tells their partner, whatever the relationship, that they love them, could be expected to show them with their positive actions that wanted to be with them. Therefore, there might be the risk to the MM that should he drop the love bomb, his OW will up the pressure for him to leave. It's not outside the realms of possibility that he does feel some sort of love for the OW, but he's scared to tell her.

 

I'm in a relationship with someone who has an SO, and I have been seeing him on and off longer than lovingagain has seen her MM. We haven't said we love one another. I think I love him in my own way, and I think he loves me in his own way. Would I like him to tell me he does? Yes and no. Yes because it would give me hope. And no because it would give me hope. I don't take those three words lightly and if I were to hear them I would want action to back up the vocals. If it wasn't forthcoming, I would feel like I had been cheated... that a promise had been broken. I've read enough here and elsewhere to know that those three words can be empty, when coming from someone already in a committed relationship. I appears to be a lose lose situation from what some people have written on this thread. He doesn't mean it if he says it, and if he doesn't say it then more fool me for sticking with him.

[fooled once]

I don't think that name calling serves a purpose here, but you are entitled to your opinion. As I mentioned above, MM and I have discussed his plans and timeframe at length. He is fully aware of my expectations. I have always been honest with him, and he hasn’t sugar coated anything with me.

 

Where did I name call? You can feel free to ignore my views - but as someone who has been there, done that .... I believe my opinion has merit and since I have EXPERIENCED it, I know what I am taking about.

 

Um, I have to wonder why anyone would respond to a post made to the OP as if the post were made to them. Once again, this thread is attempting to be taken over by someone else. Seems like a familiar MO. Hmmm....

 

OP, just please don't let this MM use up years of your life on his whim. Look at my last post and see if you can answer the questions posed therein in a manner that satisfies you - truly.

 

Yep!

 

Also, lovingagain stated she was enjoying her 5 minutes of happiness with hearing "I love you"...words that can and are said easily! Loving, you should not be happy with 5 minutes of happiness. You should want it all the time - you shouldn't get sporadic happiness from a relationship. All relationships go through stress filled times, but those help a couple build onto the solid foundation they have to be built on. An affair isn't a solid foundation - it is a sandy bottom that appears and disappears with the tide. He can't be there for you at ALL times like a partner should be; you can't be there for him at ALL times like a partner should be. He has to sneak off to see you; you are probably ashamed to tell friends/family that you are involved with a mm.

 

Heck, if he was in an accident, you wouldn't be told and you wouldn't be visiting him in the hospital. You should strive for a lifetime of happiness, not snippets in minute increments.

[starlight102]

Where did I name call? You can feel free to ignore my views - but as someone who has been there, done that .... I believe my opinion has merit and since I have EXPERIENCED it, I know what I am taking about.

 

 

 

 

You called him scum (those were your words).

[starlight102]

Thank you, I was just getting ready to comment on that. I thought maybe I just hadn't had enough coffee...

 

I will admit to being interested in this so-called "timeline" though.

 

When I responded to the original message I wasn't TJing the message. It wasn't until Fooled Oncde, in all her wisdom, directed a message to me questioning things, which is the reason I responded. Blame Fooled Once for the thread jack.

[yessy21]

Theyre right the hardest part will be when hes gone. and all you can think is ' he loved me' is it really love?

[whichwayisup]

You called him scum (those were your words).

 

This is so similar. A poster complaining again about namecalling (MM).

Why does this offend you? It's not your MM and she isn't name calling the OP either. SO many threads have name called OW's MM, OM's MW, BS's, WS's. It just happens, I know I do it alot. When people post and talk about their situations, I have no qualms on telling them, "your MM is a real jerk for treating you badly and acting passive." And I won't apologize for it, even more so when an OW posts and is upset.

[starlight102]

You didn't have to respond. could have left it alone and waited until you got PM privvies to reply to her directly.. And this is so highschool! Blame FO for you reacting and replying...

 

Yes, I did feel the need to respond since it was a message directed towards me. I have no reason to PM anyone here. Anything that I need to say can be posted.

 

No, it's not high school.....just fact since one of the posters here said I was the one who did the thread jacking.

[starlight102]

This is so similar. A poster complaining again about namecalling (MM).

Why does this offend you? It's not your MM and she isn't name calling the OP either. SO many threads have name called OW's MM, OM's MW, BS's, WS's. It just happens, I know I do it alot. When people post and talk about their situations, I have no qualms on telling them, "your MM is a real jerk for treating you badly and acting passive." And I won't apologize for it, even more so when an OW posts and is upset.

 

I have a right to my opinion so get over it.

[bentnotbroken]

Does anyone else have a splitting headache? I am confused.

[jthorne]

Does anyone else have a splitting headache? I am confused.

Split being the operative word.

[donnamaybe]

Split being the operative word.

Why split? As in banana split? Split personality? Oh, wait. I think I know.

 

OP, I have to wonder why you don't lend as much credence to this MM's INACTION as you do to mere words. Did you read my post? Do those questions you should be asking yourself give you pause to think - at all?