Ok, so what are my chances here...

[Byren]

Hey guys,

 

Sorry if this is a bit long =\

 

I guess this story really begins a few months ago. She always wanted to talk about the future and I was always a little reluctant, not because I didn't love her, but because the future worries me! I finished uni a couple of years ago (I met her there) so I'm still young and I'm not financially well off or in a career yet (trying, but not succeeding), so I don't feel in a good place to plan this stuff.

My ex was initially very flexible and didn't pressure me into talking about these issues and said that we'd talk about them another day. Several months on and we have a big discussion in which she tells me that she wants me to at least be able to plan the future with her by the end of our tenancy agreement or she'd be forced to split up with me.

I found this difficult to swallow at first but then figured that there would be plenty of time for my mind to get its act together so kinda put it on the back burner.

A month or so later we're off to her cousin's wedding and the topic crops up again. She becomes very emotional, apparently this didn't quite go onto any sort of back burner for her. This was where the end of the relationship really began to appear.

 

Everything began to tumble at this stage; she moved out to her uncle's because she became too distracted at home, she started hanging out with a new guy friend - she went with him to Bruges because he'd always wanted to go but could never find someone to take. She also went with him and his friends to Amsterdam for his birthday amongst other things (ice skating and walks...).

I was initially very lenient of her going to these places with another guy since I trusted her 100%, getting jealous seemed very silly to me initially. I started to become a little wary when she was going off on long wind-swept walks and driving off to Amsterdam for the weekend. I was still OK with it, but I became worried after talking to friends and family, all of which had a problem with what she was doing.

I talked to her, telling her that I was aware that it was short notice but I was starting to feel very uncomfortable. She said that she would stay if I really wanted her to, but it would mean he couldn't get to his birthday plans (she was driving). Me, being the f***ing pushover of the century, suddenly backtracked and told her that I didn't want to ruin the guy's birthday and that she should go.

She went, had a good time and, as far as I know, nothing happened.

 

Since we hadn't really done much together over that past few weeks I suggested that we stay up and watch the Ashes one night that she didn't have work the next morning (she loves cricket, I don't really like it much but had suggested that she teach it to me at some point). She said that she didn't want to be tired the next morning so declined. I felt horrible. Especially since she'd just come back from a weekend-long trip with some guy she'd known for less than a month. A trip which, I may add, tired her out for work on the Monday morning.

So I was annoyed that I, the guy she'd been dating for two years, wasn't worth an evening out of her schedule, but some new dude was worth a whole weekend. I initiated a break so that we could both think.

 

A week later she comes back and we split. She feels that the biggest problem is that we're on different time frames since I'm clearly not ready to talk about future plans etc. She also felt a little neglected but she sees that as a much smaller issue.

After the break-up I had a few weak 'bargaining' moments that were fruitless, and she's appeared around here a few times to pick things up, but Ive told her that I can't see her because I'm trying to heal.

 

What really gets to me is that whenever I try to fix something she'd say that she doesn't want to change me in any way, so how am I supposed to change things for the better? By no means am i a selfish person, I gave her everything I could, but I became so busy trying to get a career of the ground that I think she was left in the dark a little bit. I'm kicking myself because my priorities were clearly screwed up and I couldn't see it when it would have mattered.

 

Does anyone feel there's a chance to get back with her again? A friend she spoke to told me that she just wants me to get over her and heal and she'd maybe consider me in a few years... If she can consider me in a couple of years then surely she can consider me now?

 

I'm really torn up about this girl... She was my first proper relationship, and we both meant so much to each other a few short months ago. I've tried telling her why I wouldn't talk about the future and sees that if money's the issue then I need to sort that out first. I'm worried that it'll be too late when I finally get that into place.

[ASIANRAINFOREST]

well. ur story is very common among young ppl like u. if u really love her, u have to tell her how u think about funture with her. even u are back together, u still have to figure out how to talk about future with her. and believe me, if u could let her know u love her soooo much, u have the chaces to get her back.

[Mrlonelyone]

How long have you been broken up?

[Byren]

I wish it was that easy, it seems to harder I try the further she pushes me away :\

 

We've been broken up for just over a month now and had solid NC for about 2 weeks.

[Byren]

Just watched High Fidelity again - I totally want to make her a mixtape now. Did that kind of thing stop working after the 80s??

[Mrlonelyone]

Who uses tape these days?

 

To be honest. Real second chances require far more than a month of NC. i.e. Take a look at the thread I started about Abe Lincoln and Mary Todd. They were broken up for two or three years. Engaged...broke up...dated other people...then met by chance and got together again.

 

You do need to just let her go for a while. Every real second chance involves a good LONG break.

[Byren]

Who uses tape these days?

 

To be honest. Real second chances require far more than a month of NC. i.e. Take a look at the thread I started about Abe Lincoln and Mary Todd. They were broken up for two or three years. Engaged...broke up...dated other people...then met by chance and got together again.

 

You do need to just let her go for a while. Every real second chance involves a good LONG break.

 

You're probably right, but I want to fight one more time before I let this thing hit the dirt. She made me feel so loved, always looked after me and looked out for my best interests first. She's the perfect partner and I can't stand the thought of just being friends, I know that it would grind me up each and every day.

 

My priorities have changed since we dated, I've had time to really think about my goals in life and I've realized that the only reason I worked so hard for the career I was after was because I didn't want to quit and feel like a failure, not because it's what I really want to do. To be honest, I could have any old job and I'd be happy with it so long as I was with her.

[Rose T]

Girl's perspective - you might have to talk about marriage with her before you lose her altogether. She's getting close to other guys which means she's evaluating her options and her worth but this situation may still be reversible. She got upset at her cousin's wedding probably because she thinks you're no-where near that - at some point a girl wants to hear that you're moving towards that goal. You don't have to fix a date but seriously, at this point, the conversation might have to come up.

[Byren]

I may have blown it, though I can't be sure...

 

I basically wrote her a letter and walked 9 miles to her house to deliver it last night... I also made a mix cd.

I know that this may seem counterintuitive to the general advice given here, and it has a very small hope of succeeding but I need her back and a grand gesture was what I thought was needed here (kinda on the same lines as what Rose was saying I guess?).

 

this is my letter to her..

 

 

Loveliest 'Jane',

You once asked me if I would go on a love-walk for you if we ever broke up. Here I am

I am genuinely sorry about what happened between us. I can see that the split was necessary, but not because I think it should be over, but because I needed the time to straighten out. I know that for a broken relationship to mend it needs to be fixed. It's obvious that you don't want to change me, and I can understand and respect that. In fact, I thank you for that.

My priorities were clearly screwed up, and if I could go back and change them I would do in a heartbeat. I know that you blame yourself for a lot of what happened, but I deserve at least an equal share.

You know how to get a hold of me if you want to chat, but if you don't want to speak to me then I understand.

You're the only person I want a future with, 'Jane' and though I'd obviously prefer that we stay together and work this out, I will respect your wishes and leave you alone if that's what you want.

Yours always,

 

Tom xx

 

I haven't heard anything back, though she could be at work today.

Edited January 15, 2011 by Byren

[bl22]

Heres what i think Byran...

 

My situation is very very simarlar to yours. Was with a lovely girl for 2 years, she always put me first and was very loving towards me. I felt I shown it her back and we had a very special bond, but once we settled down and things got comfortable, I decided to focus on my career goals alot, though stil loving her and involved her every step of the way. She was always very supportive and helpful

The first year was probably too perfect, but in the last few months of the relationship she got close to another guy who she eventually left me for despite saying how much she loves me.

 

Heres what i think...

 

shes using the prioritys thing as an excuse to leave you for someone else. that is how I see it. if someone is genuinely ready to take the next step with someone, the last thing they will do is leave the relationship. Its obvious she was getting with the new guy, whether she cheated...i dont know but she obviously felt guilty about having feelings for him then used the prioritys and the 'future' as an excuse, knowing it would probably make you uncomfortable...therefore creating problems, therefor her getting out of the relationship guilt free and ready to start up with the new guy.

 

Dont feel bad, every single person in relationships gets comfortable after a while and begins to persue other ambitions (career wise). Thats human nature, dont feel guilty about it. Its HER who should feel guilty about spending the weekend with a guy she barely knows....WTFF...would you ever do that with a girl youve just met to her...would you hell!!

 

GO NC, whatever you hear/see from her now will only hurt you becuase im guessing shes spending every minute with this new 'friend' guy. What shes done is very manipulative....sending that letter was a massive mistake, you need to man up NOW.

Edited January 15, 2011 by bl22

[Rose T]

I am definitely one of the world's biggest advocates for NC, but I do think that Byren had to give it one last shot for his own sanity by doing the walk and getting in touch. If it was just a commitment / future-talk issue, the letter you've sent should help mend things. If that conversation was an excuse, or if there really is another guy on the scene, the letter won't change anything.

 

Whatever happens, don't beat yourself up for trying. You can be at peace with yourself now for having fought until the end for your relationship and let her reply. If she doesn't, stick to NC and try and start healing. We're all rooting for you.

[Byren]

I hope you're wrong bl22, but it's something that crossed my mind briefly.

 

I will of course be cutting contact again if I don't hear anything back or if she calls and says no, I meant what I said in the letter.

I've tried everything, and none of it worked. If she doesn't want me then there's no point in expending any more effort, I've learned that you can't convince someone to come back, they have to figure that out for themselves.

[Byren]

I am definitely one of the world's biggest advocates for NC, but I do think that Byren had to give it one last shot for his own sanity by doing the walk and getting in touch. If it was just a commitment / future-talk issue, the letter you've sent should help mend things. If that conversation was an excuse, or if there really is another guy on the scene, the letter won't change anything.

 

Whatever happens, don't beat yourself up for trying. You can be at peace with yourself now for having fought until the end for your relationship and let her reply. If she doesn't, stick to NC and try and start healing. We're all rooting for you.

 

Thanks for understanding my reasons for doing this Rose, and for your support

[Rose T]

You're welcome! LS is a great resource and the advice I've received here has helped me no end. I can't believe only six weeks have passed since my bad breakup - I'm in a really good place at the moment and at peace with myself and what happened. I did my best and I'm proud of how I behaved - that's a good feeling. Now I'm healing at day 21 of NC.

 

You did something really brave and even more importantly, you gave another human being the benefit of the doubt. That makes you a good person. We all grow and learn a lot from these experiences and they only help us in the future.

[Byren]

I'm really glad that you reached that place, Rose. Hopefully you'll be totally clear soon

 

I hope the letter/cd was brave and not foolish, and I also hope that the pain in my legs was worth it - 20 miles is a long way for someone not used to long hikes!

[Byren]

She sent me a message over Facebook thanking me for the letter and cd, also she asked if we could meet up on Wednesday.

Could be good or it could be bad, either way I can rest easy knowing that if we're still broken up then at least I went down swinging.

[Rose T]

Good to hear your update, Byren! Whatever happens on Wednesday hopefully the meeting will give you the information that you need to move onwards, either way. Stay strong and remember that you have a lot to offer in a relationship and any girl would be lucky to have you! Best of luck with it all.

[Byren]

Hey, just thought I'd get this stuff down.

 

SO, I stopped in on my ex on my way home from a job interview (as planned) and we chatted and joked for a while, pretty much as we used to. A real nice time

We also spoke about the letter and CD that I gave her. I was so worried about this, I thought that she'd have thought that I was a loser and would resent me for it, though it turned out that she thought that it was really romantic and was very touched by the gesture.

We spoke about us for a little while, but not too in depth - I didn't want to change the mood too much since we were both really enjoying our time together. I got a strong feeling that she still doesn't want to get back together, and I made sure that she knew that I wasn't pressuring her to say or do anything, because if she wants to then she's going to have to figure that out on her own, it's not something I can change her mind over - that's for damn sure.

 

As I was leaving she asked if we could get together again soon (I doubt it's as anything more than friends) and I said that I wasn't sure, I still feel sad every time she goes home since I can see what I'm missing again. Though after a few seconds of thinking I said 'well maybe in a few weeks we can get together for a friendly coffee or something'. We hugged, she thanked me again for the cd and letter and I thanked her for her hospitality then left.

 

I feel better for meeting with her this evening, it's always so nice to see her (though painful, obviously), and it was nice to hear that she liked my gesture. As I left I was thinking that maybe this stuff would play on her mind a bit, but who knows - the ball's firmly in her court now.

Edited January 20, 2011 by Byren

[Byren]

Damnit... went to bed feeling pretty good,but just woke up dreading that she may never get back with me. Here we go again

The main thing now is that the job interview was up in Nottingham and she wants to go back to uni somewhere in the south like Brighton. Right now I'm living in the south and so it wouldn't be too hard geographically, but it would end up being a four or five hour drive otherwise.

 

Gotta stay calm... can't contact her.

[Rose T]

Byren, sounds like you played it cool so good for you! Trust your instincts though - you made a huge gesture with the letter and the CD so it's time she made a big gesture of her own. I know you want to keep seeing her but if you're not going to get back together, or even if you are, no contact is your friend.

 

Don't rethink your job prospects for her, not in the current situation... She's not giving you enough to consider her when you think about where you're going to end up geographically. Nottingham's a great city (I was born there, I should know!) and could be a good change for you, especially if you want a clean slate.

 

That lurching feeling of happiness and then sadness and vulnerability isn't normal by the way - a relationship shouldn't make you feel like that. You know that anyway, so just look after number one.

[Byren]

Thanks Rose.

 

Just got a job offer from Nottingham, which I've accepted. Should i tell her or just stick to not contacting her on this one? I'm worried that the later I leave it to tell her the less time she'll have to figure out what she wants to do, especially since she has to choose which uni she wants to go to very soon.

Edited January 20, 2011 by Byren

[Rose T]

Hi Byren, that's great news! Congratulations.

My first thought when I saw your post was to think you should sleep on it, be cool for as long as you can.

 

But seeing as your not really NC at the moment, and you are worried about her uni choices, if you tell her now, she can't say in the future that you didn't give her enough warning, can she? It might give you the final clue about you guys. Her reaction could tell you a lot either way - it might help you to work out her mind, one way or the other. I think it's a really good sign that you've gone ahead and accepted the job offer, by the way - show's that you're thinking of yourself first, which is important at the moment!

[poorguy]

Ok so now here's what you do. Go total NC. Instead of watching High Fidelity watch swinger and pay real close attention to the scene where I think Mike tells Rob what to do!! You can't make her want to come back, the only thing you can do is make her not want to come back

[Byren]

I think I'm with Rose on this one - I need to tell her. We'd been an item for over two years and were friends for another two years before that, she's been a huge part of my life and this is something she needs to know; especially if it means she can make a more informed decision about us.

I would love to stay out of contact for a while too, though unfortunately it seems as though I won't have that luxury.

 

Do you guys think I should I suggest that she could take one of her more northern uni choices so that there's hope, or should I just tell her about the job and leave it at that? I love to be able to experience all of this with her...

[Rose T]

Byren, seeing as you're still trying to work out if this relationship is alive or not, I agree that you should communicate your job decision and leave it at that. You don't need to spell it out. She knows perfectly well that she'd need to pick a uni in the north to keep you together at this point. So tell her, it makes you look independent and decisive that you're going for it, be friendly and positive, but don't reiterate her options. She's a big girl, she knows what to do if she wants a future with you. NC is then for you to heal and move on if it doesn't work out; at least you'll know that you've done your best and communicated fully with her all along. That hopefully means no regrets in the future, either way.