Ok, so what are my chances here...

[Byren]

Thanks again for the advice rose, you're like my personal advisor!

 

Ok, so I sent her this message:

 

Hey, just thought I'd let you know that I've got the job at -----!!

I'm not sure when I'll be starting, but I think it'll be quite soon - like, within a week or two maybe?

 

I also wanted to thank you for all of the support you've given me along the way (and the Excel spreadsheet!). I know that you don't really get this whole 3d modelling thing, but it shows how dedicated you were to 'us' to support me so whole-heartedly

Hopefully I'll see you before I go, if not then I'm sure that the universe will bring us together again at some point!

 

Tom

xx

[Rose T]

At the risk of looking like your personal counsellor (lol!) I think your letter was fine. Don't forget to let us know what happens and hope you're excited about your new job and your move.

[Byren]

Haha, so long as I don't have to start paying you then I don't mind if you look like my personal advisor or not

 

I'm definitely looking forward to my new job, though I'm also a little nervous as I start in a week! Hopefully the initial shock won't be too bad since I'll be living with old university friends. The really weird thing is that I'll be living a few houses down from where my ex and I both lived when we started dating 2 years ago, in fact the whole city will have memories ingrained of our time together at uni - which I hope won't effect me too much.

 

Speaking of my ex, I've been having a hard time these past few days and feel I need to let it out somewhere..

 

She did reply to my message with this one:

 

Woo woo woo! kick arse you! do you know how much it pays and what hours, what does it involve, who's your team? woooooo!

So so happy for you. Congratulations xxx

 

I replied with the details and that was that.

 

What I'm worried about now is that she might not contact me in the next few days and that'll be it, either because I've said that 'I don't know if I can see you right now' or because she genuinely doesn't care.

The other thing is that I've basically fulfilled some of the major 'requirements' needed to get back together and she's not breaking down my door trying to get back with me. Is she just trying to look after my best interests with this new job?

[Rose T]

Before I found out my ex was cheating, when he was already making noises about us taking a break, I got some important praise at work that looked like I was heading for a promotion. Soon-to-be-ex was soooo happy for me - he just kept saying, 'hope it works out for you, then you'll be sorted!' He said it so many times that it even wierded me out - and it was like, really, 'phew, you're going to be alright! good for you! that assauges some of my guilt about my bad secret and the fact that I'm about to run for the hills!'

 

I hope you're not in that place but exes and STBXs assauge their guilt with the wierdest stuff. If they see you making a happy move, when they are in the really dont-care phase or affair fog, it makes them happier.

 

HOWEVER if you make a happy move when you're in full NC it can freak them out. Byren... it might be time to go NC. Time to get tough.

[Fee]

She made me feel so loved, always looked after me and looked out for my best interests first. She's the perfect partner

 

And what were you? When will you guys learn? You can't treat a GOOD woman like dirt, neglect her, string her along with no plans for the future, and expect she'll stick around... If you and her were both looking out for YOUR best interests, what was in it for her? Young men are singing this same song all over town when it's so simple. Relationships are give and take. If one person is doing all the giving, they'll eventually take their love away.. For goodness sake, learn from this.

 

Her saying she doesn't want to change you is a sign that she's moving on. You've shown her with your ambiguity that you're a guy that is not a safe bet for her heart. No matter what you say now, she has that perception of you, and probably believes (as a lot of women do) that men don't change, no matter what they promise. You made yourself that guy by playing the relationship this way, so if you're not that guy you need to think about how to take steps to show that in your next relationship.

 

As for this girl, you begging back now may be too little too late. Going for the hard sell now will just prove to her that you're fickle (where was all this passion when she wanted assurance from you?). So take time out buddy. And you got what you wanted - your career is moving forward. Take some time out to focus on that, and if she's still in the picture years from now when you're more able to give her what she needs then go for it. Both you and I know that's not too likely, but anything's possible. Otherwise, you'll have to move on and realise you were not compatible at this moment in time. Wanting the same things is one of the basics in a relationship.

Edited January 24, 2011 by Fee

[Byren]

And what were you? When will you guys learn? You can't treat a GOOD woman like dirt, neglect her, string her along with no plans for the future, and expect she'll stick around... If you and her were both looking out for YOUR best interests, what was in it for her? Young men are singing this same song all over town when it's so simple. Relationships are give and take. If one person is doing all the giving, they'll eventually take their love away.. For goodness sake, learn from this.

 

Her saying she doesn't want to change you is a sign that she's moving on. You've shown her with your ambiguity that you're a guy that is not a safe bet for her heart. No matter what you say now, she has that perception of you, and probably believes (as a lot of women do) that men don't change, no matter what they promise. You made yourself that guy by playing the relationship this way, so if you're not that guy you need to think about how to take steps to show that in your next relationship.

 

As for this girl, you begging back now may be too little too late. Going for the hard sell now will just prove to her that you're fickle (where was all this passion when she wanted assurance from you?). So take time out buddy. And you got what you wanted - your career is moving forward. Take some time out to focus on that, and if she's still in the picture years from now when you're more able to give her what she needs then go for it. Both you and I know that's not too likely, but anything's possible. Otherwise, you'll have to move on and realise you were not compatible at this moment in time. Wanting the same things is one of the basics in a relationship.

 

Well of course I was looking out for her too, and I've been equally as supportive of her goals as she was mine, and I always showed my affection for her.

The reason I was dancing about the future was because I needed to be sure that I could SUPPORT us with adequate income, not that I didn't want to be with her. It's also important to me that I'm in a profession that I can enjoy, life isn't all about relationships and I would like to be happy in all areas of my life if I can be - isn't life there to be lived after all?

 

I've generally been financially unstable since leaving university and so I hope that you can understand that I've had other pressing issues to deal with, not that I was 'treating her like dirt'.

I understand what you mean, and thank you for taking the time to let me know your thoughts - I really do appreciate it . I know that my chances are slim, for either now or in a few years, and I'm p!ssed at myself that I couldn't keep this relationship alive whilst going through this difficult time.

I've definitely learned a few lessons, I just wish that the knowledge that I've gained could be applied to her.

Edited January 24, 2011 by Byren