Is taking a break ever a good idea in a LDR?

[Shestand]

Hello All, my LDR is going through some rough times right now so I was so happy to find this forum! It’s so hard to find people who really understand what it’s like.

 

"C” and I have been dating for a year and a half and we’ve been long distance for about four months now. We met in college and both have the same degree. We share a lot of common interests, share a similar sense of humor, and have had a great relationship in the past. Last summer we were both chosen for a technician job and we worked, lived, and slept together for three months. I don’t think I spent over an hour at a time away from him that entire three months. It was the most amazing experience of my life.

 

After that job ended I started grad school in another state and he had to move back in with his parents because he was struggling to find a job or grad school. The first few months were fine but I depended on him constantly because I was living a new place where I didn’t know anyone and he was the only remaining constant. It was difficult to go from spending 24/7 to very limited contact. His parents’ house is very rural and only has dial up internet (no skype) and his phone can only receive texts. If I want to call him I have to tie up their family phone line. Living with his parents is not easy for him because he is very independent and likes to do things for himself. I have trouble knowing what to say when I can tell he has had a very depressing or discouraging day. He can cheer me up so easily over the phone but for him it’s so hard to do without physical contact. I would always just sit there with him and scratch his head or give him a back rub when he was having a bad day and now I can’t do any of those things.

 

I was recently home for winter break and we were able to see each other a lot. To my surprise he voiced that he thought we should break up because he felt he had to focus on his own life and now that I was settled I didn’t need him so much anymore. I was a wreck. He told me he loved me, but that he just had to do this for himself. I didn’t understand how he could throw everything we have away so easily. I felt that he was pushing me away because he was unhappy with his own situation and that it wasn’t fair to use our relationship as an excuse. He agreed to spend the rest of my break together and see how things went.

 

My last day in town we got together and after avoiding the issue for a while we finally started to talk. We discussed everything from our perfect outcomes (Me: long distance for two years, then when I’m done with school me finding a job near wherever he happens to be. Him: break up for two years, finish school, have experiences, then get back together). We talked about individual problems like how I have become too dependent on him and how he is struggling with depression as well as a loss of sexual interest. The few times we have had sex lately I could tell he wasn’t that interested and I felt like he was doing it because I needed it so badly. In that past we have always had an amazing sex life and we are very compatible. We decided to take a month break from each other and spend the time working on our own lives. We aren’t going to see other people but just try to regain our sense of self. I feel like we’re doing it for the right reasons but I can’t help but miss him constantly and it’s only been two days. I’m determined to do it though.

 

I guess my questions is, does anyone have a similar situation? How to you deal with depression in your partner and keep yourself from being to clingy?

 

Has anyone ever taken a break in a LDR? Does anyone actually believe a break can be good or are we just prolonging the inevitable?

 

Thanks for listening!!

 

S

[Eddie Edirol]

A break is just a break up, but he wants to break it to you slowl;y. Whats going to happen in a month is he is going to tell you that he doesnt want to try. Cowards do this when they dont want to explain to you the real reason they want to be away from you. You WERE too dependent on him, but theres something else that made him lose his attraction to you and he hasnt devulged it yet. He is quite selfish for giving you false hope by saying he wants to sleep around and try again in two years. he knows he wont be interested once he breaks it off.

 

It could be depression, could be you were around him too much (i suspect thats it) or it could be another girl, but he isnt taking a break from you, hes breaking up with you slowly.

 

Let this be a lesson to you....you need to get a life when you date someonee. You cant create a situation where you are with each other 24/7, that rarely works. USe this breakup to work on your dependency issues.

[Shestand]

Thanks Eddie, you're probably right even if I don't want to see it. It's hard to realize a good thing you had no longer exists. He's going to come visit me after the month (it will be a few days before valentines day) and I guess I'll find out for sure then. I think I'll just try to use this time to regain my independence and if he does break it off I'll be better prepared.

 

How do you keep from being too needy in a LDR? I never was before but looking back I can see a drastic change in myself after I moved away. While it was long distance we always texted throughout the day and never went without good morning, goodnight texts and we'd talk almost every night. Is that too much?

[folieadeux]

I don't believe in taking breaks...in an LDR or not. I'm an all or nothing type person so this situation wouldn't work for me personally, but to each their own. As far as your question goes in regards to communication, there really is no right or wrong way to do it. Every couple will require different things to sustain the relationship. The problem here is that you needed alot more than he did. There's nothing inherently wrong with that, but it will inevitably cause issues.

 

I don't think it's realistic either to expect anyone to take a two year break from each other either. In two years, you'll both be completely different people and will most likely have moved on with your lives.

 

I agree with the other poster who stated that it sounds like he's just making excuses and taking the cowardly way out.

[Eddie Edirol]

How do you keep from being too needy in a LDR? I never was before but looking back I can see a drastic change in myself after I moved away. While it was long distance we always texted throughout the day and never went without good morning, goodnight texts and we'd talk almost every night. Is that too much?

 

Thats great that you have your head on straight in this situation and can prepare for the worst.

 

You obviously can be around someone constantly, I cannot. I have things to do, and I want to miss someone. When you are in an LDR, youre naturally needy when youre the one who needsd the relationship more. When you cant see that person often enough, it makes you want them more. The best way to avoid it is to not have the LDR. When you dont have your own life you depend on him. To keep from being needy, you have to create things around you to grow and have a distraction. Make friends, join clubs, just have things to do rather than wait on someones call.

[Faded_x]

I don't really believe in breaks, but I do think in rare situations it can work. Unfortunately for your situation, I don't think this is one of those cases. The fact that he has outright admitted to wanting to end things says to me that this is more of a break up than a mere break. I think he felt bad about it, which is why he qualified it with a "oh, but we can get back together in two years...", and then agreeing to a month long break. It really seems like he just wants a clean break, but feels too guilty or bad to do it outright.

[Shestand]

Thank you both for your responses! I really appreciate the opinions and advice.

 

folieadeux: I completely agree that two years off and expecting a renewed relationship is HIGHLY unrealistic. After he said that my response was that I can't put my life on hold for him. If we broke up now I would never be the same girl that he fell in love with and he would no longer be the man I always trusted. Never say never, but I'm doubtful to say the least. I told him that I can't give him two years of freedom but I could do one month of NC if he thought that would help him clear his head. Which is how I found myself in this situation....

 

Eddie: What you say makes complete sense but our situation is actually the complete opposite. Like I said I'm a new grad student so I'm always busy. I have classes I'm taking, I teach two lab sections at my university, I am doing my own reserch under the supervision of two demanding profs, and I've made a lot of new friends. C is home with his parents in a rural community and job hunts pretty much every day. All of his really good friends are scattered across the country. I have a bad feeling that he feels so out of control of his own life that he's trying to have some control over the only thing that's still there: us.

 

Again, I could just be a girl who's way too in love with a guy who wants nothing more than to ditch her. Let's hope not, eh?

[creighton0123]

The only "break" boyfriend and I have taken has been "I have to go do this tomorrow, so I won't be able to be online" kind of stuff.

 

It sounds like distance, time, and lack of communication has prioritized his life in a different way enough that doesn't include you right now. Does it suck? Yes. Does it hurt? Hell yes. Listen to Eddie and recognize that you learned a valuable lesson. A relationship is not two people living exclusively for one another, but two people living their lives together. You must continue your life. He must continue his.

 

In the end, you need to find someone who matches you and who works, both when you're together and when you're apart. You seem to like to both receive and give attention. You seem to appreciate consistent and reliable communication. You need to find someone who is capable and willing to do that.

 

Trust me. You'll know when it's right. Things will fall into place and you two will mesh so very easily, whether together or apart.

[Shestand]

Hey guys, after four days of NC he contacted me to see how things were going. We could only talk for a little bit but he said that he missed me and that he wanted to see how I was doing and if I was willing to end the break early. We talked about what we learned from being apart (if only for a little while) and how we still think that being together is the right decision for both of us.

 

Obviously, we still have issues to work out, but I think he really did just need some space to breathe and maybe a little taste of what life would be like without me. We're going to talk tonight when we both have free time and decide where our relationship can go from here.

 

I really want to thank you all for the support! It helped me stay strong and hearing your honest opionions really made me look at how I could better handle situations. I feel more in control and I'm planning on using this new knowledge to keep our relationship strong in the future.

[folieadeux]

Hey guys, after four days of NC he contacted me to see how things were going. We could only talk for a little bit but he said that he missed me and that he wanted to see how I was doing and if I was willing to end the break early. We talked about what we learned from being apart (if only for a little while) and how we still think that being together is the right decision for both of us.

 

Obviously, we still have issues to work out, but I think he really did just need some space to breathe and maybe a little taste of what life would be like without me. We're going to talk tonight when we both have free time and decide where our relationship can go from here.

 

I really want to thank you all for the support! It helped me stay strong and hearing your honest opionions really made me look at how I could better handle situations. I feel more in control and I'm planning on using this new knowledge to keep our relationship strong in the future.

 

Best of luck and be sure to take care of yourself independant of this relationship too.