Update to "finally broke up with my cheating fiancee and my world is crashing"

[kourtney01]

I had reservations about posting this because I can almost feel the eyes rolling...but I am going thru a very hard time and would appreciate some more advice.

 

Basically, he has been trying to get back together and I gave him the silent treatment for a while... Now we met up 2 days ago to talk in person. He basically BEGGED me and swore up and down that allthough his behavior was suspicious and he acknowledges that, he has not been cheating this time around. He is trying to convince me that I have put it in my head that he is a cheater and that's why he has to be

so

secretive with me because he feels like I snap over the smallest things. That comment may have some truth to it...but the evidence was also there. I would have to be a complete idiot to ignore the movie tickets, the background voice in the ski video, him not answering my calls when he goes out and his behaviour with hiding his phone all the time. I explained this to him and he swore up and down that he's changed and it's not what I think. He had the nerve to say that he went to the movies with his 9 yr

old

son even though I found 2 adult tickets and they were from the night he left me waiting at his house for 5 hrs.

 

So

now he's leaving for cuba with a soccer buddy because he says he's stressed from everything going on and that he needs to go away with a friend for a change. (we always go away together) I have this weird feeling he's going away with a girl. Also, the day we met up to talk about the break-up, I quickly looked thru his phone. I had such a small window of time that all I saw was a text message from the day before from a girl "daniela" asking him to "please call her when he gets home". He's telling me its some older lady that he knows that has a hookup for construction materials that he needs for the house....I find that hard to believe no? Why would they have the kind of relationship where they text each other??? And how would she know his whereabouts to ask him to call her when she gets home?

So

we argued, again...and now I'

m

giving him the silent treatment...again. He's been staying at his parents house and I'

m

living with my mom right now

so

we don't see each other.

 

Now he is leaving in 24 hours and I don't know what to do. On one hand, I'd like to see him at the airport and say goodbye

so

that we have the opportunity to talk when he gets back and see what to do from here. He has made me sooo many promises and allthough I don't know if he will keep his word, I keep telling myself that maybe he just went out with some girl that is a friend out of stupidity and boredom but nothing actually happened? I dunno. I might sound like a crazy person here but bear in mind that I obviously still love him and this is very very very hard. He promised me that he will stop hiding his phone and change his number when he gets back for a fresh start. He also promised me that he will stop going out weekly just once in a blue moon, in which case he will ALWAYS check in with me. He also promised me never to ignore my calls again

so

that I don't worry and assume the worst. All these promises mean nothing without him following through...and I'

m

not even sure if I should give him a chance to show me that he's "following through."

 

The text I saw is really bothering me.

 

He also told me that I could come with him to the airport to see for myself...but now he's saying that his dad is taking him and that I can meet him there if I want... It's at 5am I'

m

not sure if I want to go through the trouble (and being DEAD tired) if he's telling the truth...and I'

m

also worried that he might find a way to sneak anyway...like him meeting the girl on the other side at the gate and I would never know...right? And even if he's going away with a guy friend...do I really believe it will be an innocent trip? NO. I'

m

worried that he will go on a f****** spree till he gets back..especially if he thinks this will be his last chance to cheat for a while since he has to be on his best behaviour... again, that's speculation. I've told him how i feel and he thinks I create scenarios in my head

so

I have an excuse to leave him. He knows he did wrong in the past but says he has changed since and I'

m

pushing him away for no reason.

 

The last thing that ticked me off is that I asked him to leave me his cell phone for the week until he gets back because it doesn't work outside of the country anyway...and its a way for him to show me he has nothing to hide because noone will call him anwyay right? I told him if he wanst to get back together..it's an excellent step in the right direction.At first he said 'yes' and now he came up with all kinds of excuses... he's telling me he will leave it at his mother's house and I can go get it from there cuz he needs it till the LAST F-IN MINUTE before he leaves...he knows I don't have the nerve to go get his cell phone from his mother even if he does actually leave it there..(although he can always 'forget' to leave it there at the last minute)

 

In fact, the day that we talked to each other..his mother lectured me that I'

m

playing games with her son and that I need to ignore his bad behaviour because (and i quote) "I'

m

a lady, he is a man...men do bad things when they're young but they calm down eventually (I guess when they're bald and fat and

old

and noone wants them anymore)

so

I just have to suck it up or

leave her son alone

because we fight too much and I push him too much to do what I want...afterall, that's how she's been married for over 30 years!" She is PSYCHO with a 1952 mentality...is she out of her mind??? I couldn't believe she was actalluy

mad at me

even after I told her that her son has a history of cheating and lying and that's why we fight

so

much!

So

now I see where he gets his mentality from...

old

school European

 

At this point I'

m

sounding crazy right?

 

I feel like spying on him at the airport but I don't even know the flight or terminal...just the time..and there are 5 different flighst for cuba at that time... but I guess if it's meant to be...I will see him and get my answer. (

BTW

I asked him to see the ticket and he said his buddy has it because it was emailed to him when he booked for the 2 of them..I didn't want to tell him to ask his buddy for the flight number because then he would know I would show up and I wouldn't be able to spy on him...that's why I don't know the flight or terminal) Even if he's telling the truth...I'

m

still upset that he's going away at the WORST possible time when we are having sooo many issues... selfish of him no?

 

I don't know what to do from here...what would any of you do in my shoes?

Sorry about rambling on

Any advice? Please

[kourtney01]

He's obviously cheating. Dont fall for it, girl. He's a cake eater

 

Glad to hear I'm not convincing myself of something that isn't true

[cerridwen]

I left your fiancee.

I left your situation.

I left the incidents you describe which I know all too well.

They are so familiar I began feeling ill while reading your story.

I was soooo blind. As blind as you are right now.

 

Nearly everything you've written is something I could have wrote myself except I left before we were engaged.

But before I left, he gaslighted me, made me feel like I was unreasonable, he denied, denied, denied.

 

You're welcome to PM me.

I'll support you as much as I can.

[Treasa]

He's either cheating on you, or he doesn't care enough to prove himself to you after a lot of indiscretions. Either way, you're only setting yourself up for a miserable life and an early divorce if you stay with him and marry him.

 

Be strong, ignore him completely, and find new things to occupy your life.

 

I know it's going to be hard. My ex was...ugh..but I got over him, despite being completely devastated. You'll be ok too, and someday you'll be happy that you DIDN'T stick it out with this guy.

[Woman In Blue]

...but the evidence was also there.

I would have to be a complete idiot

to ignore the movie tickets, the background voice in the ski video, him not answering my calls when he goes out and his behaviour with hiding his phone all the time. I explained this to him and he swore up and down that he's changed and it's not what I think. He had the nerve to say that he went to the movies with his 9 yr

old

son even though I found 2 adult tickets and they were from the night he left me waiting at his house for 5 hrs.

Yes, you WOULD have to be a complete idiot to ignore the constant nonsense you keep putting up with.

 

I guess you'll know when you've finally had enough.

[kourtney01]

I left your fiancee.

I left your situation.

I left the incidents you describe which I know all too well.

They are so familiar I began feeling ill while reading your story.

I was soooo blind. As blind as you are right now.

 

Nearly everything you've written is something I could have wrote myself except I left before we were engaged.

But before I left, he gaslighted me, made me feel like I was unreasonable, he denied, denied, denied.

 

You're welcome to PM me.

I'll support you as much as I can.

 

I'm a new member so I don't think I have PM privileges yet...

 

That is crazy scary...especially since it is not the first time someone has said that to me..I have a few older (wiser) friends that have been through similar experiences...the similarities are actually scary..

[kourtney01]

I found out from a friend who works at the airport that he checked in and was 2 guy friends. (by fluke, my friend was working at the same terminal that he checked in to)

 

Does that change the situation in any way?

 

He sent me a really nice text message, to which I replied for him to leave me alone because I'm still upset about everything else.

[cerridwen]

 

Does that change the situation in any way?

 

 

Does it? Because he's ACTUALLY doing what he said he'd do (a given in other relationships) that's enough to make you forget everything else? Does the nice text from him change:

 

• the movie tickets, the background voice in the ski video, him not answering my calls when he goes out and his behaviour with hiding his phone all the time.
  
• a text message from the day before from a girl "daniela" asking him to "please call her when he gets home"
  
• he's going away at the WORST possible time when we are having sooo many issues
  
• I asked him to leave me his cell phone for the week until he gets back...at first he said 'yes' and now he came up with all kinds of excuses
  

 

To answer your question from another post, yes, you do sound crazy; not because you are but because that's what the relationship has done to you.

 

You are second-guessing your own eyes. You are excusing a man who lies to you CONSTANTLY. You will spend your life with a jerk who DOES NOT care that you're frenzied with worry. What else can people say that HE hasn't already made crystal clear? Yes, he is a cheat and no, you're not imagining things.

 

The question now is, are you going to help yourself by leaving or not?

[charasbb]

Here's what I've learned from my experience with a cheating boyfriend. I doubted my intuition, I told myself the signs couldn't possibly be true, that I was creating stories, in the end I was right. I'm not saying that your fiance is cheating or is going to, no one can know that for sure except for him and all you can know is what you feel. Right now how you feel is vulnerable, mistrustful, scared, hurt and uneasy; none of these are positive things and nothing is going to be able to quell these feelings completely. So your choice is to keep a relationship with someone who makes you feel this way or move on, which might be painful, but in the long run you'll most likely be better off.