Need ideas for how to fall back in love with my husband!!

[flowergirl77]

If you are interested in my very complicated story..you can view it on the OM/OW thread.

 

Long story short...I am at the place where my HB has been giving and giving and giving me everything he has while we have been going through the most difficult time in our MG..when since I am the one who had an EA..I should be the one giving and trying to make up for it. I have not been emotionally 'here' for the last 8 months since my EA-and we have come close to calling it quits several times.

My HB wants me to make more effort to connect, but I am having a very hard time reaching out or even finding ways to do that-I need some ideas!

 

I feel I don't love him anymore, so I have nothing to draw upon. I basically need to find a way to fall in love again! (keep in mind we have 3 kids, so a kidless vacation is not possible unfortunately!)

 

Any ideas on how to "fall in love again' with my HB?

[Quiet Storm]

Have a lot of sex, even if you aren't feeling it at first.

 

Fake it til you make it.

 

Oxytocin will be released in your body during orgasm, just like it happens during breast feeding. It bonds us to our partner in a powerful chemical way. Anthropoligist Helen Fisher has many discussions about this here: http://www.ted.com/search?q=Helen+Fisher

 

Once that happens, loving him will be natural and will not feel like an effort anymore.

[xxoo]

First, you can't be emotionally "here" if you are emotionally "there". When your mind and heart drifts "there", force yourself back to reality. Don't allow yourself to indulge in fantasy of the greener grass. Print out that list of lovely things your H did for you this week (read on the other thread) and look at it to remind you just how lush and green your grass is!

 

Second, attitude can follow action. If you make the decision to treat him like a person you treasure and love, and behave in ways that treasure and love him, you may soon find that you honestly treasure and love him.

 

Did you feel in love with him in the past? What changed? Is there an unaddressed issue in your relationship that initially impacted your feelings of love for him?

[flowergirl77]

First, you can't be emotionally "here" if you are emotionally "there". When your mind and heart drifts "there", force yourself back to reality. Don't allow yourself to indulge in fantasy of the greener grass. Print out that list of lovely things your H did for you this week (read on the other thread) and look at it to remind you just how lush and green your grass is!

 

Second, attitude can follow action. If you make the decision to treat him like a person you treasure and love, and behave in ways that treasure and love him, you may soon find that you honestly treasure and love him.

 

Did you feel in love with him in the past? What changed? Is there an unaddressed issue in your relationship that initially impacted your feelings of love for him?

 

I believe my love started to fade over the years because he was emotionally abusive to me and treated me very poorly up until my A came out. Now he has committed to change and treating me better. Unfortunately, that came too late. I was weakened emotionally, and was lured into an A by a man who heavily pursued me...made me feel so sexy and beautiful, gave me attention the way my HB did not. (NO excuse it know!!) but THAT is where it went over the deep end. But my feelings changed long before my A came along because we had no connection or closeness. All we used to do was bicker and fight over every little thing.

[Distant78]

I believe my love started to fade over the years because he was emotionally abusive to me and treated me very poorly up until my A came out. Now he has committed to change and treating me better. Unfortunately, that came too late. I was weakened emotionally, and was lured into an A by a man who heavily pursued me...made me feel so sexy and beautiful, gave me attention the way my HB did not. (NO excuse it know!!) but THAT is where it went over the deep end. But my feelings changed long before my A came along because we had no connection or closeness. All we used to do was bicker and fight over every little thing.

 

It doesn't matter. You don't use your affair as revenge for the marital problems that occurred between you and him. He SHOULD NOT be giving so much to you, YOU should be the one doing that now. You made the marriage more difficult not him. You need to either own that or let your husband go so he can find someone who doesn't cheat.

[Iconoclast]

Post by Quiet Storm is right on the money. What helped get you where you are will help get you out of it. Act, and let the emotions follow.

[robf1971]

Act as if.... thats what i suggest

 

You think people who are together for 50 yrs have butterflies all the time? It doesn't work like that. Marriage is massive, massive hard work. It sounds like he is going all out and you are doing sweet FA.

 

Eventually, he is going to get sick and tired of this and just leave, and you are going to regret it big time. If he is a good man, whose stuck by you for years, you are seriously considering jumping into bed with some turd who's just been saying all the right things to you, you have got mental problems.

 

There are plenty of smart, confident, beutiful women of high integrity who will snap your husband up and not cheat on him. I'd say your loss not his, your damn lucky he's stuck by you through this.

[flowergirl77]

Act as if.... thats what i suggest

 

You think people who are together for 50 yrs have butterflies all the time? It doesn't work like that. Marriage is massive, massive hard work. It sounds like he is going all out and you are doing sweet FA.

 

Eventually, he is going to get sick and tired of this and just leave, and you are going to regret it big time. If he is a good man, whose stuck by you for years, you are seriously considering jumping into bed with some turd who's just been saying all the right things to you, you have got mental problems.

 

There are plenty of smart, confident, beutiful women of high integrity who will snap your husband up and not cheat on him. I'd say your loss not his, your damn lucky he's stuck by you through this.

 

 

I hear you..that is why I am seeking ideas HOW to reconnect. Actual things I can do. Sex it too artificial (he feels I am not really there all the time) and does not like that either. You are very right about everything...I know I have "mental problems" and am working through that.

[Duckduckgoose]

Your husband is jumping over the moon for you!

 

I say look up everything and try everything you can possibly even halfway imagine to fall in love with him: dating, sex, alone time, things that used to make you happy, things you did when you were younger but don't always do anymore.

 

He sounds like such a keeper, you are very lucky! If I was you I would try to make it work at all costs!

[Iconoclast]

Be romantic to him whether you feel it or not. Court him. Remember you're getting a second chance. Take every opportunity to touch him, it really matters, read about it, it's just science. Make a commitment to do something for him every time you think of the OM.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Ha..this is funny! It took her 4 months to LOVE her affair partner..and no love for the poor dude she had 3 kids with...doesnt get anymore twisted than this. Just divorce the poor bastard!

[flowergirl77]

Ha..this is funny! It took her 4 months to LOVE her affair partner..and no love for the poor dude she had 3 kids with...doesnt get anymore twisted than this. Just divorce the poor bastard!

 

 

Thanks for the input PP...you are the picture of wisdom.

[love4me2c]

During MC, my counselor asked me what did HE do that your husband doesn't? When I thought about all of those things then I figured out what my husband needed to do to make me love him again. Unfortunately, I decided I no longer wanted to be in my marriage, but that was the advice given to me.

[Bittersweetie]

During MC, my counselor asked me what did HE do that your husband doesn't? When I thought about all of those things then I figured out what my husband needed to do to make me love him again.

 

I agree with this. When I looked back on what attracted me to the AP, I realized some of it was that I felt like when we were together all his attention was on me, that he was really interested in me and what I had to say, and that made me feel special. When I would talk to my H, he'd also be on his laptop, or watching TV, on the Blackberry, etc. (And I realize I did it too to him.) So now my H and I to each other with no distractions...no laptop, TV, etc. Or we'll go to a bar and sit and drink a beer and talk to each other. And it makes our time special and both of us feel special to the other. Now I'm always like...can we go to the pub and hang out? Because it's so much fun to me.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Thanks for the input PP...you are the picture of wisdom.

 

 

:laugh:

You want to talk to ME about wisdom???? Seriously now..wisdom is not needing another man to validate me! Wisdom is not falling for some LOSER affair dude...in which you have said time and time again and than blaming your husband for. Wisdom is having enough balls to EXIT you marriage in order to screw around on anyone you want! Wisdom my dear is something you LACK!

[anne1707]

During MC, my counselor asked me what did HE do that your husband doesn't? When I thought about all of those things then I figured out what my husband needed to do to make me love him again. Unfortunately, I decided I no longer wanted to be in my marriage, but that was the advice given to me.

 

I agree with this. When I looked back on what attracted me to the AP, I realized some of it was that I felt like when we were together all his attention was on me, that he was really interested in me and what I had to say, and that made me feel special. When I would talk to my H, he'd also be on his laptop, or watching TV, on the Blackberry, etc. (And I realize I did it too to him.) So now my H and I to each other with no distractions...no laptop, TV, etc. Or we'll go to a bar and sit and drink a beer and talk to each other. And it makes our time special and both of us feel special to the other. Now I'm always like...can we go to the pub and hang out? Because it's so much fun to me.

 

I can understand both these posts. During MC, I too thought about what I got from my affair and it did highlight some things that my H and I were not doing for us. We talked about it in MC and my H, to his credit, listened and could see that there were things I needed from him that he was not doing. I remember saying at one stage saying something about a lack of passion and he just turned to me, looked me right in the eye saying "But I AM passionate about you" - I could see he absolutely meant it and I melted

 

We now make far more time for us, have "date" nights and talk far more about us and how we feel than we ever did before. It's good.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

I can understand both these posts. During MC, I too thought about what I got from my affair and it did highlight some things that my H and I were not doing for us. We talked about it in MC and my H, to his credit, listened and could see that there were things I needed from him that he was not doing. I remember saying at one stage saying something about a lack of passion and he just turned to me, looked me right in the eye saying "But I AM passionate about you" - I could see he absolutely meant it and I melted

 

We now make far more time for us, have "date" nights and talk far more about us and how we feel than we ever did before. It's good.

 

And I can understand all these 3 posts..especially yours Anne..cause well I've read a bit about your story. And when you refer to your relationship..you say "us" which isnt the situation with this poster. She has no remorse for her affair..and blames her husband for it. She has stated that the guy she had the affair with is someone she considers a loser..then proceeds to start 2 threads about Being in love with the OM..and Leaving her husband for the OM of 4 months may I add! I just did another check...and she has just broke NC with the supposed "loser" guy 7 days ago..and her family is literally falling apart in another thread!

 

I hate to say it but she's created such a huge mess..its almost unfixable. Everyone around her is having to deal with it..especially her poor kids..and all she can think about is "me me me"! Theres isnt enough advice or threads on here that can help someone so self indulged like this out! She's literally in her own lil world..and that is clear to see just by all the threads shes started!

[flowergirl77]

And I can understand all these 3 posts..especially yours Anne..cause well I've read a bit about your story. And when you refer to your relationship..you say "us" which isnt the situation with this poster. She has no remorse for her affair..and blames her husband for it. She has stated that the guy she had the affair with is someone she considers a loser..then proceeds to start 2 threads about Being in love with the OM..and Leaving her husband for the OM of 4 months may I add! I just did another check...and she has just broke NC with the supposed "loser" guy 7 days ago..and her family is literally falling apart in another thread!

 

I hate to say it but she's created such a huge mess..its almost unfixable. Everyone around her is having to deal with it..especially her poor kids..and all she can think about is "me me me"! Theres isnt enough advice or threads on here that can help someone so self indulged like this out! She's literally in her own lil world..and that is clear to see just by all the threads shes started!

 

Not that I owe you an explanation PP, but your judgements and character insults are a bit much..and I feel the need to defend myself.

I actually was involved with OM for almost a year...and I never considered leaving my HB for the OM. You will not find one quote in all my posts that states I was planning to leave and go be with OM, because I never planned on doing that! I admit to being messed up from my EA..and have been on here trying to get guidance and helpful advice. Your posts are rude and very judgmental IMO, and I can't imagine what your motivation is in posting stuff like this! My HB and I have agreed to begin working on repairing our MG and family-and yes I am grateful for this chance. I plan to move forward away from the dysfunction to a better life. But thanks for your input.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Not that I owe you an explanation PP, but your judgements and character insults are a bit much..and I feel the need to defend myself.

I actually was involved with OM for almost a year...and I never considered leaving my HB for the OM. You will not find one quote in all my posts that states I was planning to leave and go be with OM, because I never planned on doing that! I admit to being messed up from my EA..and have been on here trying to get guidance and helpful advice. Your posts are rude and very judgmental IMO, and I can't imagine what your motivation is in posting stuff like this! My HB and I have agreed to begin working on repairing our MG and family-and yes I am grateful for this chance. I plan to move forward away from the dysfunction to a better life. But thanks for your input.

 

Okay..well sorry if I do sound harsh and all..but I'm basing my opinions on what I have read ONLY! I dont know you personally..only what I've read once again. Your defensiveness with calling me someone with no wisdom hardly shows any intellect on your behalf. Okay I get it..you don't want anyone to criticize..but you must admit..no one on LS can help you right? You do understand that you and your family need extensive councelling right?

My motivation..none! I am here simply giving you my opinion..just like the others.

 

You say you were involved for a year..and that you werent considering leaving your hb for the om. Well I don't know if I'm blind..but the 2 threads you started in the Infedility forum state exactly those 2 topics 1) Leaving the HB for the OM and 2) You breaking contact with the OM..which in my eyes doesnt show much remorse..and shows a lot of denial on your part. You can defend your actions to everyone till your blue in the face...but the only people that you hurt at the end of the day..isnt us..its your own family. Like I said..I have nothing to gain by responding to your threads...maybe just give you the harsh critism from the betrayed spouses point of view. Had my husband acted like you have there would be no way in hell that I would even try to work on anything until you get your head out of your ass.

 

You are denying your kids a lot of things..and I never heard you once mention this. You are leading your husband on because he wants nothing more than to have a good family upbringing..but you don't love him now. Why even bother? Does your own husband even know you don't love him? Does he know that you blame him for your affair? Does he know you contacted the other guy 7 days ago? I doubt any of your answers will say yes. I think you come on here looking for sympathy rather than advise. Too bad your husband can't see you for what you truly are. Maybe you should let him read all your stories on here and let him see who you really ARE!

[Untouchable_Fire]

If you are interested in my very complicated story..you can view it on the OM/OW thread.

Long story short...I am at the place where my HB has been giving and giving and giving me everything he has while we have been going through the most difficult time in our MG..when since I am the one who had an EA..I should be the one giving and trying to make up for it. I have not been emotionally 'here' for the last 8 months since my EA-and we have come close to calling it quits several times.

My HB wants me to make more effort to connect, but I am having a very hard time reaching out or even finding ways to do that-I need some ideas!

I feel I don't love him anymore, so I have nothing to draw upon. I basically need to find a way to fall in love again! (keep in mind we have 3 kids, so a kidless vacation is not possible unfortunately!)

Any ideas on how to "fall in love again' with my HB?

 

My guess is that you are emotionally withdrawn because deep down you don't think his changes are going to last and that he will go back to being the same guy he was before.

 

On the other hand... he is being very patient, kind, and loving. From what I have experienced with American women, they are so spoiled and bratty that if you bend even a little bit for them, they will try to walk all over you. Doormats are never attractive.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

If you want to save the marriage, you go to counseling or decide why it is important (children/money/husband).... I have not read your other posts, but very simply it sounds like you looked for excuses to have an affair and don't want to leave simply because of the kids (yes noble), finances (more selfish reasons), and lastly because you have feelings for your spouse.

 

Marriages fall apart and generally simply through indifference, either you want to love your spouse or not. If you want to put the work into it, marriages can (and do) work.

 

If you take what you refer to as abuse (love how women throw the word "emotional abuse" around) without working on it and talking it through of course you will look for an outlet.

 

I don't blame you entirely (both spouses contribute to the vast majority of situations), but know without even reading that communication was bad and neither of you helped the situation.

 

Now however he is doing something and you have shut him off and until you figure out why you hold such resentment and can't let go, the marriage is doomed.

[robf1971]

On the other hand... he is being very patient, kind, and loving. From what I have experienced with American women, they are so spoiled and bratty that if you bend even a little bit for them, they will try to walk all over you. Doormats are never attractive.

 

Actually, if her hubby gave OP the boot and said " You can have the OM" then he started moving on and being happy, seing other women etc I bet she'd want him then. People want what they can't have. She can't have this piece of cr*p OM, so she wants him. Her hubby should take a leaf out of his book and dump her.