Thx55 Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t260310/ sorry for posting this here as i do have another open topic. im just a little freaked out because of this morning. After her shower my wife peaked into the bedroom and we looked at each other and she smiled and came into the bed. Needless to say we had sex. I don't want to get all weird about this. Last night she was being a little bubbly and saying she needed to get laid. i kind of blew it off because she wants this separation not me. but i didn't this morning. it was a mutual act between the two of us. we both have needs? i don't know what to make of this. any thoughts? should i just look at it like that? Link to post Share on other sites
Sunkissedkate Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Yes you do both have needs, how long have you been together??? i take it she isnt seeing anyone else... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Continue having sex with your wife. Work on you, seek counselling so YOU can communicate better. Obviously there is still something between you two otherwise no sex would have happened. You are separated in words only, not legally. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thx55 Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 We've been together for 6 years. She isn't seeing anyone. we have been separated for only a month. we live under the same roof and have been sharing the same bed? I obviously want this relationship to mend. we have a lot of problems to address and finding ourselves is a big deal right now. i don't know what direction this is going? Link to post Share on other sites
Sunkissedkate Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Then continue to have sex if it comes up. dont push it, but if she is willing then go for it; just remember that you are still addressing problems, and dont just slip back into the old way of being together, try and solve the problems and see where it goes from there. If she is still wanting to have sex with you then obviously she still wants to be with you, wether it is a comfort thing or not there are still sexual feelings between you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thx55 Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 I agree im going to continue what i have been doing. I don't want to anticipate any weird behavior. Seemed a bit awkward afterwards this morning. i guess that is to be expected. I just need to keep a positive frame of mind here. Can't wonder what she is thinking.. As long as im on the right track. thanks Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 How can a couple be separated while living under the same roof and sharing the same bed and having sex? I was separated and did get divorced and did attend MC and things seem pretty clear. Perhaps you need to redefine your relationship as not really separated. IME, being 'separated' (usage of the word) has be a license for MW's to engage me or bang others. Say the word and the marriage is on hold and exclusivity sometimes is a casualty of that. YMMV. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Being the crochety old peckerhead that I am, let me introduce an element of cynicism: you've been "tagged" (google it). She was wanting to see if she could still get to you for reasons of a cheap ego boost, but is still disconnected. If I'm right, she'll be treating you pretty badly for the next week. Link to post Share on other sites
bugaha Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Carhill, I'm in a similar position as the op. The fact that my wife is not sleeping in my bed pretty much means in-home separation. It may not be to the extreme as others, but it shouldn't be downplayed because I'm sure Thx is feeling the same hurt that I am. Gorilla, you're spot on. While my spouse didn't treat me like crap after we had sex, she was somewhat negative and went right back into that disconnected mode. Second time, kind of did the same thing. Interesting, I'll have to look that up. Thx, I've decided to make my wife come to me, so if your wife is coming to you I would say to continue to have sex. The fact that it's happening is a pretty positive step for you to get a foot in the door to make that emotional connection again. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 To the 'friend' in my journals: 'Your BF cheated on his exW' 'Not really; he was sleeping on the sofa' The unspoken part (by myself wrt the BF) 'with you' True story. Perhaps I just define 'separated' differently. When my exW and I were separated and going to MC, we lived in separate domiciles a good 30 minutes apart. It was effort to be together and work on our M. Our MC counseled against it, preferring 'cohabitation', which is what you all seem to be doing. YMMV. Link to post Share on other sites
bugaha Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 My ic agrees that it's an in-home separation, but I completely understand what you're saying. It's made for a pretty screwed up situation where both of us don't really know what's happening but it is what it is. I haven't had a normal situation in my house since we moved in, so I guess I'm just used to it. Where things are different in my situation is I believe that my wife needs to work individual issues out before she's willing to accept the changes that have taken place in our house. Because of that it's not necessarily a bad thing that she's still in the house. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 (edited) I think it's a positive thing to continue to work on the M while cohabiting but I certainly would communicate some ground rules regarding what such a 'separation' consisted of. We all know the stories here on LS regarding 'dating separated people' and how, as I related in my above post, things often aren't really as separate as they appear. Here's a quote from the other thread by the OP: It's so weird. We haven't had sex for months now. What the hell?? Was that an invitation?? Interesting, to say the least. I'll assume adjunct MC/IC is going on. Hope so. Good luck Edited January 13, 2011 by carhill Link to post Share on other sites
starting2wakeup Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Thx55, something very similar happened to me Christmas morning (you can check out my thread to read all about it). The difference is that me and my W live in separate homes. I'm not sure how you can say you are separated and still live in the same home but... whatever your situation, trying to overanalyze her thought process is pointless. Trust me, I know! I questioned why my W instigated something physical after months of nothing for a very short period of time and it caused me to backslide big time. I was doing great (OK, that's a lie. I was doing pretty good) and then after Christmas I started to wonder what her intentions were. What does she want? Have things changed? It took me awhile but I now realize the answer; she has no idea what she wants or why she did what she did and more to the point, thinking about it did me no good. If she wants to have sex and you are able to without overanalyzing the situation then have fun. But if you are afraid you are going to keep questioning her intentions and wonder what is she thinking and will this lead to something else, then you may want to take matters into your own hand. Either way, I wish you the best. Stay Strong. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Sounds like you've been tagged.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thx55 Posted January 14, 2011 Author Share Posted January 14, 2011 she comes home from school today. we hug. i turn away she comes up kisses me like a new couple would kiss... im lost with all this seriously. we had a pretty intense conversation last night. i don't know. one day at a time.. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 LS'ers, we have here a fresh M (3.5 years) between a 34yo man and 25yo woman. Shortly after they got married, she became pregnant with a daughter, and not to long after the daughter was born they became guardians of another child. Other family stresses also occurred, including financial ones. The OP reports, prior to his W asking for 'separation', they had not had marital sexual relations for a number of months. Now, the OP is reporting goings on like they are a 'new couple' at his W's initiation, including sex. OP, is that pretty accurate? Looking at the totality of it, mindful of the fact that the W was 21.5yo when they got married, a queasy feeling in my stomach impelled me to post this synopsis. Hmmm... Take it slow.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thx55 Posted January 15, 2011 Author Share Posted January 15, 2011 Pretty much on the button. Thanks for summarizing it. It's been an interesting few days to say the least. I'm staying focused on being positive and aggressive in what I want. Day by day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thx55 Posted January 15, 2011 Author Share Posted January 15, 2011 I just need to let out a little emotion here. I'm pretty rundown with trying to stay on top of things. maintaining a positive attitude when things are going sour is exhausting. this week was pretty tough i can say i have enjoyed the affection I've had with my wife as well as the communication aspect of our relationship. I'm still trying desperately to stay focused on mending myself. I want her to be along for the ride. I see us in the future together. All of us enjoying each other. i know its never perfect but it can be a relationship filled with good times and the abilities to fight together through the bad. Keeping your head up through these times in our lives isn't easy. No one said it would be. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t260310/ sorry for posting this here as i do have another open topic. im just a little freaked out because of this morning. After her shower my wife peaked into the bedroom and we looked at each other and she smiled and came into the bed. Needless to say we had sex. I don't want to get all weird about this. Last night she was being a little bubbly and saying she needed to get laid. i kind of blew it off because she wants this separation not me. but i didn't this morning. it was a mutual act between the two of us. we both have needs? i don't know what to make of this. any thoughts? should i just look at it like that? Maybe she felt sorry for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thx55 Posted January 15, 2011 Author Share Posted January 15, 2011 I've thought of that. she isn't the type who would do that. she's brought it up the past couple of days in talk...she might say you want to do it again?? yesterday before she left she was saying lets go have a quickie. i don't flippin know. I'm trying to make the best of this and focus on restarting our relationship and building myself up enough to say i did all i could and be stronger if it stays together or ends. maybe she is looking for a spark somewhere too? Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 maybe she is looking for a spark somewhere too? Are you absolutely sure she isn't already? What have you done in the way of investigation? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thx55 Posted January 15, 2011 Author Share Posted January 15, 2011 The evening of the morning we had sex we had a pretty deep conversation about where this road leads. I've been here before. I told her its different because i could except that my ex wife and i didn't want the same things. I told her its different this time because we do share the same things. anyway there was more to our conversation. i think when she see's how serious i am and not moping around about what is going on she responds better and get's me to the point of realizing im not going to die without her. I was fortunate to find her after my fist divorce i told her that doesn't always happen. Finding someone to love and want to grow old with is rare for people like me. It's not always perfect. She wants the old me back. period. no more negative, appreciating what i have in front of me. as far as investigating i can only go by the words she says when she talks to me. one minute she is dead set in a divorce and moving on, then sometimes she'll speak of no knowing anything or where she is going with this. talking that one day we might be together again. she hasn't had faith in me changing. I don't know what to expect one minute to the next. She kissed me yesterday when she got home from school with extreme passion and care. Its not worth it to either of us to play games here. She knows this. She knows im up in the air about us too. we both need to work on ourselves. do you think she is looking for a spark in me? in us? i know its not going to change overnight but i don't know her motives i can only think i need to maintain my strength and positivity through this difficult time. Link to post Share on other sites
sirweasles Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 if only we could answer that question lol. I believe that the best route is the route your going its going to take time and patients. its going to be tough and its going to be confusing. let her come back to you dont try to force her back when she feels safe with you emotionaly she will most likly speed things up but she has to feel safe and right now you have to prove to her that she can be Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thx55 Posted January 16, 2011 Author Share Posted January 16, 2011 I'm hoping you're right sirweasle. Im trying to not have expectations. It is confusing at times but I have to stay consistent with my thoughts. Some things seem so stereotypical. On one hand I feel like we are just going with the motions. Deep inside I'm hoping she still has expectations of me that I can fulfill. Sick of thinking about it. If I'm supposed to be preparing to move on this is the worst way to do it. Last week I suggested staying in the spare room we have, I have yet to do that. I've slept on the sofa once or twice. It's weird to think as time goes by and she graduates school finds a job etc. Feels she can handle the mortgage solo. Then I'll be on my way? In other terms I'll be sleeping in my bed with my wife until the day I move out? Sounds so sickening in a way. This has all been very strange. We've been in a fierce breakup up before where I've spent a week away. Even slept in the spare room for awhile. This time seems more serious. I'm not sure what the future holds. I take one day at a time. No one knows what tomorrow holds. I just have to strengthen myself to prepare for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thx55 Posted January 19, 2011 Author Share Posted January 19, 2011 I've been following the advice of this forum and continuing focusing on being a more positive person. Not dwelling at the signs of the the possible end has helped me significantly. I love my wife and family. we need to work on us and I know that is what will come of this. I think positively where as the past few years have led me down a negative path. It's a tough fight but one that can be won with determination and love. My wife is seeing these things and I've let her take the realm as far as where she wants to go with this. I do believe that it is part of being emotionally comfortable and confident that we will thrive once again as a couple. The more confidence she has in us the more I see us progressing towards a happier marriage. Staying on track is key. thx Link to post Share on other sites
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