Separated....we had sex this morning??

[blizzard]

How can a couple be separated while living under the same roof and sharing the same bed and having sex?

 

I was separated and did get divorced and did attend MC and things seem pretty clear. Perhaps you need to redefine your relationship as not really separated.

 

IME, being 'separated' (usage of the word) has be a license for MW's to engage me or bang others. Say the word and the marriage is on hold and exclusivity sometimes is a casualty of that. YMMV.

 

I have to agree with Carhill. My husband and I have been in an "in house" seperation for well over a year now. Our marriage counselor advised the seperation, but suggested we live apart. My husband refused to leave. He lives on one side and I live on the other. We do not share beds or bathrooms. We do not have sex nor do we see each other unclothed. We are not affectionate (although he never was). We function for the sake of our kids. We try to maintain a calm environment. But, I will say it is HARD to "seperate" in this kind of manner. Kids and finances keep us bound together right now. It took two months or so of pure mental and physical hell to realize that there must be BOUNDARIES. I had to set boundaries.

Blending sex with a problematic marriage is not good in my opinion...For me, it was confusing because sex masked problems in our marriage. It covered up true underlying issues in our marriage. It always did. And I am firm believer that sex with your spouse during a seperation confuses both parties...and it is unfair.

At the onset of our seperation, my husband told me that he could have sex with me as a seperated couple, and not feel anything...that he could just make it sex. This hurt so much to hear. Because, I am his wife. I deserve more respect than that. He said that he needed sex now and then just to "turn that curb" of detatching himself. (??????) That the sex would fizzle out. We have never had sex at the level of true intimacy, it's been just sex because he has issues with affection. And I honestly think that the seperation became a turn on to him. The sex became more and more disrepectful. I had to stop it. It was hurting my self-confidence, my esteem..it was degrading. It was destroying everything that I needed to work on me and my marriage. Being seperated means "being apart" from one another to work on you, alone. And to possible start a new relationship from scratch. It can be a start to a new beginning, or it can be a way of not having the courage to complete let your marriage go. Sadly enough for me, it's not having courage because I have two little angels that I don't want to hurt.

 

So, yes. My husband was similiar to your wife. It can be a contol tactic. And it can be empty. So just be careful. Set your boundaries. Let her know you mean business. That your relationship is confusing. Either you operate as a married couple that you are and get counseling...or you literally seperate with ground rules. Otherwise, she may keep you in limbo until she's ready to move on. THX things became so much more peaceful when rules were established. It was nice to not walk on eggshells wondering what the other person was thinking...should I do this, should I do that? Is he going to want sex today? What do I say to turn him down? How do I discourage or fight off advances with causing an argument? ARgggh. I had sex because he wanted it. Now it's back to square one...

 

I ended up having an PA, that met my emotional needs as well. Both needs were problems in our marriage that couldn't seem to get fixed. Our seperation wasn't working. My husband was too busy trying to win me over with sex instead of validating our deep issues at hand. MC failed.

 

Best wishes THX...I honestly know how hard it is.

Edited January 19, 2011 by blizzard

[Thx55]

I appreciate your response. I know my wife pretty well. I should say well enough. lol.

The sex and moments of passion our a testament to the feelings we have towards each other. There is a meaning behind each moment. Throughout this we have had some serious battles with each other..senseless to say the least. If she truly didn't want me here i wouldn't be here, if she truly didn't want to kiss me she wouldn't. I think we are struggling through finding each other amongst the idea of losing each other. I believe in positive thoughts and focus. Regardless of wether my marriage works out which i believe it will I have gained a new sense of reality. I am not in denial about where i am in my marriage nor am i in denial of where i am with myself. However, I am still working on this everyday. I used to be a negative thinker, never any true gratitude for what i have around me. Clearly this is a work in progress. If I would be as I was a few months ago, I would be a complete wreck. I have to stay focused and see what i truly want out of all this. I sometimes wonder what she is thinking. It's only natural. I feel strongly she is building a faith in me that things can be different and better for us as husband and wife. A month ago she wouldn't look at me the way she does now because she was seeing a man who was broken and couldn't seem to be strong enough to commit to the reality. I know what the reality is because I am living it and understand that her and I together has been a sad and unhappy situation that i was denying. I accept it and have moved forward now working diligently on myself in truly understanding why I have been an unhappy, depressed person. I'm in this for the love of myself and my family. Recognizing so much even the negative attributes of my wife has led me into thought that maybe it's not the best that we are together, but you see thinking of all the negative will push us away from most things. Instead of asking myself why does she act like this or react like that? I just was seeing the moment. Instead of realizing how badly we were both hurting. I'm doing what I can. I love her and will be with her until I can't love no more.....

[carhill]

OP, IME, re-discovering sex (after a number of months of celibacy) and the attendant apparent intimacy is wonderful for bonding.

 

Let me bring you back to a statement you made in your other thread:

 

After our daughter was born we struggled to maintain a friendship

 

I'm curious why such a momentous and wonderfully emotional event would cause a struggle to maintain a friendship between a married couple which created this amazing gift of the world. Why is that? Conventional wisdom would have that newlyweds fresh with child would be totally bonded into the family unit. With that aspect in mind, and accepting of what currently exists, what specifically is being done to forge/augment/repair/whatever that friendship which failed? Ultimately, that's the long-term success story. Hope it's yours

[Thx55]

So I've been going through this live in separation for over a month. Following advice getting a better attitude towards things, life, myself. I've been giving my wife all the room she needs without questioning her on where this is headed. She's confusing at times because she is confused I'm sure. She's made out with me on a few occasions we have had sex as well. I basically let her lead. Not going to push this. I'm just lost as to when it's okay for me to say kiss her? Even as sinks as that. Yesterday I was in the dressing room as she was getting ready she called me over and looked at me and said kiss me. I gave her a small kiss, whatever and went about my business? I know this sounds minimal a kiss here or there or these full blown make out session. But has something happened possibly for the better for her to initiate this behavior? She wouldn't show any type of affection a month ago? And when do you think it's the right time if ever?? For me to make a move. Even to kiss her goodbye before she leaves for school? Should I continue to hold back? I don't want to push? Is she waiting for me to make a move? Sorry just looking for some kind of steps???

[hopesndreams]

I hope for your sake she isn't cake-eating.

[blizzard]

I hope for your sake she isn't cake-eating.

 

I was thinking that too.

 

You are really being too nice IMO. Seemingly at her beckon call. This could drag on forever... I say load her with the ultimatums to let her know you mean business. You are married...you shouldn't have to wonder when is the right time to kiss your wife or if it is or isn't a good idea to have sex. How is she repairing your relationship???

[Thx55]

I was thinking that too.

 

You are really being too nice IMO. Seemingly at her beckon call. This could drag on forever... I say load her with the ultimatums to let her know you mean business. You are married...you shouldn't have to wonder when is the right time to kiss your wife or if it is or isn't a good idea to have sex. How is she repairing your relationship???

 

Im being different then i normally would. Generally i would be a depressed sorry for myself guy emotionally down all the time. This is exactly how i have been before during troubled times. She isn't seeing that this time. I spent a lot of time reading the advice given about what not to do. Don't talk about he relationship let her bring it up, don't initiate affection, don't try and bully the love back. Its been a bit over a month as i stated. It was extremely difficult in the beginning of this. the frustration, the stress, the arguments. we haven't argued for weeks. we've been laughing more. smiling more. she has been as stated more affectionate. I've been more positive more on my own. I was almost out the door here a few weeks ago? metaphorically speaking. My wife told me a month ago she had no faith in me that things would ever change based on the past experience. ?? I'm not that guy anymore in essence. i am human. it is difficult and confusing at times. but i would hate to push the subject. i feel like i am a starting over with her just a little. a piece of advice that i have taken from here. the big piece of advice is being patient, sometimes i get a little impatient lol.... so i question what's going on and i wonder if i should make a move..thats all.. There is no point in the actions being taken if they are for the benefit of cake eating, i feel. There really isn't any. I think we are treading the waters, digging from the pit we have been in. I believe that..

[bugaha]

THX, I'm treading the waters as well and there is no purpose in "bullying" her into how the relationship will be. The man thing to do is to stay on track, be patient and know that you'll get things back on track (I have to tell myself this everyday).

[Goldenspoon]

I think she is seeing someone from school. Either that, she is having a serious crush on someone from her school.

[robf1971]

I think she is seeing someone from school. Either that, she is having a serious crush on someone from her school.

 

Yep, the OP has to find out for sure and nip that sh*t in the bud, or his wife will eat so much cake she will explode

[iheartboobs]

Talk to her.

 

Tell her you want to get the relationship on track, but you have no clue how with all these mixed signals you're receiving. If she wants to separate and have space, then she needs to actually move out, but if she wants to work on the marriage, then she needs to commit to actually working on the marriage.

 

This separated-ish but having sex when she wants it but discussing why she's unhappy but still wanting you to prove to her that you want her whishy-washy **** isn't good for you.

 

Lay down the law.

 

What do you want? Then tell her what you want and explain to her that anything that isn't working towards that goal is unacceptable. She can either commit to at least trying to make your marriage work or she can pack up her **** and get the **** out. Either she's committed to you and this relationship and she's willing to work for it, in which case she'll agree, or she's not, in which case she'll get the **** out.

 

Either way you'll be better off than you are now in this quasi-marriage based on the whims of a indecisive wife.

 

That's not bullying, it's just refusing to be bullied. She's dictating the course of your relationship and she's going to do what's best for her (and I'm guessing that's not going to be what's best for you), you can let her do that and hope for the best, or you can take the reigns and do something.

Edited January 24, 2011 by iheartboobs

[blizzard]

Talk to her.

 

Tell her you want to get the relationship on track, but you have no clue how with all these mixed signals you're receiving. If she wants to separate and have space, then she needs to actually move out, but if she wants to work on the marriage, then she needs to commit to actually working on the marriage.

 

This separated-ish but having sex when she wants it but discussing why she's unhappy but still wanting you to prove to her that you want her whishy-washy **** isn't good for you.

 

Lay down the law.

 

What do you want? Then tell her what you want and explain to her that anything that isn't working towards that goal is unacceptable. She can either commit to at least trying to make your marriage work or she can pack up her **** and get the **** out. Either she's committed to you and this relationship and she's willing to work for it, in which case she'll agree, or she's not, in which case she'll get the **** out.

 

Either way you'll be better off than you are now in this quasi-marriage based on the whims of a indecisive wife.

 

That's not bullying, it's just refusing to be bullied. She's dictating the course of your relationship and she's going to do what's best for her (and I'm guessing that's not going to be what's best for you), you can let her do that and hope for the best, or you can take the reigns and do something.

 

The above is perfectlyl said. And along the lines of what I was trying to say.

 

I still believe that you are being so nice and accomadating... And their are so many "I's" in your statements. IMO you are overblaming yourself. Treating her like a victim while you are trying to change "you."

 

I am not saying to be mean to her, but you have to get the cards out on the table.

[Thx55]

Thank you both for your response's. I agree with the above. There are a lot of "I's" in my post. I think it goes without saying, a majority of us take too much of the blame. "I" will say on my part my wife is very expressive verbally and physically on how she feels. This has been a situation ongoing for a good bit of time. Throughout it all she has expressed how she has felt. Unfortunately I straightened it out for a only a short bit and sank back into the denial that this marriage is emotionally suffering. Lack of communication has burdened myself in this matter. I don't want to go over my life story but this is my second marriage. My first wife was completely opposite in sharing how she felt so needless to say it ended without me fully understanding the cause and i feared the loss of another. So without properly communicating with my current wife because I would never truly express my opinions and share my thoughts we just coasted with lackluster talk. I would basically agree with her most of the time to prevent any "assumed" conflict. I read something to the extent the other day about getting lost in thought prevents the sharing of emotion. I was lost in my thoughts "mostly negative" for a long time. It hasn't happened overnight but I have truly learned an awful lot about positive energy and focus. I can honestly say without a shadow of a doubt based on my own experience that if I would not be carrying myself with this type of attitude and focus I would not be in the place I am. We don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. I don't feel like wasting the energy to think about whats going to happen tomorrow or a month from now. I wasted countless hours of my life dwelling on circumstances I had no control over. Imagine being around someone with that type of outlook.

 

Point being, I don't blame myself entirely for this situation. My wife was always a very positive person. She was always reassuring me things will be ok. Seems unfair that throughout all the trials and tribulations I couldn't ever muster up those words for her. To comfort her distress. Negativity for me was presented in emotional sadness, depression and I never shared that enough with her because i felt she was and im sure she was tired of reassuring me. She didn't have a partner who could give that back to her, so she became negative and her presentation was frustration and anger.

 

I'm not going out like this. I have shared this with my wife. We have talked and I am not going to crawl into a hole and die if we aren't together anymore. Her realizing this might have made a difference but I assure you the attitude has been the most dramatic part of this change. If she truly doesn't want to be with me we don't need to be carrying on our lives like this. This is like starting over, you make your moves cautiously but you have to make them. The reality to me is that she is making moves physically, emotionally, so I have to as well. I'm a damn good person. Even better with what I have been learning. I have been affectionate towards her and she has reciprocated. I'm not as aggressive as i want to be but i am grateful to kiss my wife, to hold her, to have her grab me and kiss me like we used to, To hold my daughter everyday and tuck her in at night.

thanks for reading

[2.50 a gallon]

This is a board of sadness and woe, so most posters tend to think on the dark side.

 

Maybe, perhaps this is something good. She's confused, maybe part of that confusion is that she has noticed your changes. Maybe before she totally closes the door on your relationship she is having second thoughts, a window of opportunity.

 

Show her more positive changes. Can you cook? Why not make something special for her along with a bottle of wine. Yes a little romantic, but the idea is not for the two of you to start smooching, but rather for the two of you to loosen up and just talk. Maybe get her to let her guard down and get some answers.

 

Think positive

[Thx55]

thank you. I will continue to be a more positive influence on my family. I believe she is afraid to actually say she wants to commit to making this work. Based on experience when she gave in per-say it would just return to how it was. This is a slow process. I have been doing my best at being patient and positive. it is a window of opportunity to work on strengthening myself as well as my marriage which i believe will become stronger and more happy.

[2.50 a gallon]

Thx55

 

 

Another thought, we men tend to logically think things out, while womens thought process is much more emotional and they feel their way toward somethings, and she has noticed something in your behaviour that she wants to explore more before giving up totally.

 

That is a positive thought

[Thx55]

I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach. Things have been going well the past few weeks. No relationship talk. We recently talked about painting our bedroom went out and got an actual painting i liked to hang in said bedroom. we made plans to get new wardrobes etc, There wasn't any talk about having more room when i move out or why should we buy this if you're not going to be here anyway? I've continued my pursuit on making myself better, more positive. She has continued to be affectionate, initiating it for the most part, i hold her in bed in the morning we haven't had sex since that time 3 weeks ago. Ive just been taking it patiently and day by day.

Last night she was laying on me and say's "i shouldn't be doing this" I said what? She said lying on you, ive been telling you it's over and i still continue to lay on you rely on you. She mentioned giving false hope..

So I start thinking to myself.. what the hell is wrong with her? Why is she so confusing. What am I doing here? This is killing me. I told her I take things one day at a time, I don't feel secure with the situation and im not taking it for granted. but come on. we sleep in the same damn bed with each other. she made out with me passionately on occasions. just this past week she on mon or tues she was being a little freak in bed if you know what i mean. sorry.. im just so freaking confused. She's like i dont want to go back to being cold with each other. ?? Does she know what she wants?

I just ran some stuff over to her at school and she leans and is looking to kiss me, she said it's ok if you want to kiss me. Is she flipping nuts! She just told me this morning how things are and doesn't want to give me false hope and if im getting mixed signals. is this all happening? am i not seeing something?

[iheartboobs]

She has no clue what she wants.

 

When you're together she thinks about being apart, but when you're apart, she panicks and wants to get back togther. She's unhappy in the relationship, but too scared to leave.

 

That ain't good.

 

You know where that leads, right? It leads to her sticking with you until someone else comes along to take away some of the fear of leaving. You need to nip this **** asap.

 

The way I'd suggest you do this is to sit her down, tell her things aren't working, and that you need a break away from her to clear your head. This will produce a couple of feelings in your wife, some of which are pain, fear, panic, and rejection. It will also change the way she looks at you.

 

People, as a rule (especially women), want what they can't have more than what they already have. They will also fight tooth and nail to get something back that was taken away from them that they wouldn't fight to keep.

 

That's human nature.

 

So use it.

 

Take a week vacation from your wife. Tell her you need to clear your head and think. Tell her you need some time to yourself. Hell, tell her that you're sick of her bull**** and you need to get away... whatever. Don't be mean or cruel, feel free to call her to tell her goodnight and make sure everything is okay, but don't talk about your relationship, don't fight, and don't stay on the phone for more than a minute or two. After the week's over, go home and tell her you're willing to work on things if she is but she's going to have to do a hell of a lot better than she was.

 

That's my advice. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[robf1971]

Take a week vacation from your wife.

 

Now that is damn good advice. Don't just talk about it, actions, they speak louder than words. Not only will you get some serious space but she will see that you are your own man able to make your own decisions. Personally I wouldn't even bother calling her to say goodnight. I'd tell her "I'm available on my cell if there's an emergency".

[reservoirdog1]

It's all well and good that she doesn't know what she wants. But that doesn't mean you have to sit there and accept her repeatedly tearing your heart out and putting it back in again. That's just not fair to you.

 

IHB makes some good suggestions. I think you should probably tell her that you can't keep doing this anymore, and that you need to get on with your life either with her or without her, because this uncertainty is too hard to deal with. You should tell her that you want the two of you to reach a decision within, say, a week: you're sticking it out together and trying to fix the marriage, or you're ending it. Fixing it involves starting counselling, ASAP. Ending it means you stop sleeping with her and start making arrangements to deal with your joint possessions.

 

Doing the latter doesn't mean you're inexorably on a path of ending the marriage. It could have the effect of giving her a wakeup call, a sense of "oh my god, this is actually going to end." Plus you'll look like a confident, determined guy to her, which is what you want her thinking.

 

Good luck mang...

[sally4sara]

This reminds me of something my ex MIL heard out of her husband when he started talking about separating (they went on to divorce).

 

They'd booked a non refundable cruise just before he started talking about leaving and went on it anyway despite him wanting out. She saw him still wanting to go as a sign of hope and had sex with him while on the cruise. The next morning he was still talking about separating and she was aghast.

 

Her: "But we just made love last night!!"

Him: "We didn't make love; we ****ed. Besides (and this was her big wake up call) men **** hookers and mistresses all the time. It doesn't mean they want to be married to them either."

[Thx55]

Today I got thanked for all the things i have been doing. How it is appreciated and how helpful I am even though She has hurt me and said mean things. She wrote on her Facebook that she is so confused. I've known she's been confused for a few months now. I haven't laid down all the ultimatums I'm basically going with the flow and desperately not trying to dwell over it. It's my decision to wait it out and I just keep finding myself in my own confused state. How do you ask someone what they want when you obviously see they don't even know themselves. It's apparent that following a lot of the advice on here and in my readings that I am where I am because of the change in my attitude and my own personal focus. It's still very difficult and coming to the realization it truly will be her loss in the end is tough to grasp. Unfortunately it comes with a load of mixed emotions. Just like the roller coaster affect. I wish i could sa either you are in this to make it work or your not. I've stopped trying to think about what she is thinking awhile ago but find myself at times drifting. I'm trying to hold on. I accept the fact that while going through all this being in the presence of each other has been good and bad. It just amazing me the cycles of this. More of it is based on my own over analyzation. But it's difficult to feel like things are going well then feeling that something is weird. I have to get back on the mentality of positive thinking and believing it. Christ I have such little patience.

[jstobo]

Thx55 - I have the exact same situation as you. 3 months ago, my Wife said she is no longer in love with me. Yes, there was an EA with OM. My world has been turned upside down. 10 year marriage and two little kids. We went through hysterical bonding and then anger set in for me. I went through a "I'm done with you stage" and she did a 180. After two weeks of that, I blew it again. I became the pathetic and depressed guy again and guess what, we went downhill. I came on this site and started reading posts and seeing the 34 steps. I'm only on day two of that, but I think its the right thing to do to give yourself the best chance. My Wife and I still sleep in the same bed and we still have sex about once a week. When we have sex, its more amazing then it ever was. It certainly gives me hope as well, but its important to not change what you're doing after having sex. Stick to the plan, it seems to be working. My Wife says often, she just wants to be happy. If I'm fun to be around, I'm attentive with the kids, I treat her nice and don't pressure her for answers; she's happy.

 

Believe me, it kills me not to hug her and kiss her. I came home yesterday and was in a good mood, but I didn't show her any affection. Last night she came over and kissed me goodnight. That hadn't happened in a long time. I know it's minor, but in this case big. This morning when I left for work, she followed me to the door. I just told her to have a nice day and left. I haven't received a text, e-mail or phone call today, but it's OK. It's only day 2.

 

I like reading what is happening in your relationship. I think you're doing the right things. Keep them up, but give her a little sometimes. If she comes to you everytime, she may get discouraged as well. How great would be for you to be extremely forward with her one night, be a man, sweep her off her feet and the next day, go back to the 34 steps. She won't know what hit her and she'll be begging for more. Believe me, I need to take my own advice.

 

Keep posting!

[Whatshername]

Pick one. Married and working it out or Separated.......

 

My ex on=ce told me we were separated. We were NOT having sex (his choice of weapon to with hold affection)but we lived together, I cooked for him, cleaned,did all normal wifely and motherly duties was there, raising the children. We were NOT separated.

 

I clarified that if he wanted to be Separated, then he needed to "separate" himself from me.

[Whatshername]

duplicate post...sorry