Commitment-phobic boyfriend is doing it again after second chance...

[TooHonest]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 1/2 years. After 4 1/2 years we were engaged. That's when everything went down hill. He had an affair, he was hurtful with his words, shut me out, and I never felt more alone. Then one day he called, and I told him I couldn't do this anymore. He said he needed time off. I was devastated. After a little over 2 months he's calling me. I was very shocked to even hear from him again. I wasn't easy on him either. It took him almost 7 months to work himself back into my life. I must confess, he is the love of my life. I wanted him back, but feared being hurt again. I laid down ground rules, told him he hadn't been alone long enough, he needed to really figure out what he wanted in this life, that I wouldn't allow him to drag my heart through the muck again and when he could look himself in the mirror and feel good about him to call me. Those first 4 1/2 years were the best years of my life. Here I am again 3 years later, going down that hurtful road and don't have any more control over what is happening than I did the first time.

 

My heart aches, my stomache hurts, I don't sleep well either and his phone calls get further and further apart. In the attempts to get some answers that he obviously isn't or can't give me I have done some searching around the net to try to understand. I think I found what the trouble is. He is commitment phobic! Not in anyway do I feel elated by this, but am not beating myself up on what it was that I did wrong. When things aren't right between us, it just doesn't seem like anything is right in my world. He said he needed some time. God only knows, patience isn't my best characteristic, but I am trying.

 

I did send him a letter expressing what I thought was wrong and my feelings. I also sent along some information on commitment phobia (the signs of, which by the way, I swear were written about us). I explained I was trying to be patient, I would rather have a life with him without marriage than a life without him period. I didn't want him to feel trapped or unhappy or pressured. I would stay with him through all times and would never hurt him. I told him if he needed to go I would let him go with only my deepest regrets. I wouldn't retaliate in ways that he has been hurt in the past and I wouldn't contact him either. I also expressed for him if he chose to leave me again, we would never be together again. Once I gave up my fear of being hurt to allow him back, I couldn't take that risk again for anyone not even him.

 

Now....I sit and wait for the phone call. I know when I see his number on the caller id box I won't want to answer for fear of what he'll say, but I know I will. I have terrible panic attacks and since this all started again, I have had the worst ones I have ever experienced. I know I don't deserve this and I hate how weak he makes me. Sometimes I don't know who I am more angry with him for being so selfish or me for being so selfless. I know I am not perfect, but my heart is true. I hope he gives me an answer soon. Or maybe he already has. Boy, do I feel like a mushroom.

 

Any advice is welcome. I have also read many of your posts out there and want to express my thanks as I don't feel quite so alone today.

 

Take care all.

[sinkerswim]

Hi..

I have been with my boyfriend/fiance for 8 years. Although he never cheated on me, he did tell me he needed his "space" on Feb. 3rd. That was after a big discussion of me being so controlling and possessive over the years. But I told him I was going to get help.

 

The space has turned into over a month and a half.

I called him twice, wrote him a couple letters and I still have no answer.

The other morning, I decided it was time to give him a call after a month of not talking. He was very cold and distant to me.

He kept on saying he had to go and get ready for work. Pretty much was blowing me off. My body went numb.

I asked if he wanted to talk to me again and he said "I dont know"

Thats all I have been getting is "I dont know" answers.

Its very hurtful and NOT like him.

Normally he is very above that.

 

I feel as if I have no closure.

Its weird though..I am starting to wonder if its also a commitment thing with him as well.

We got engaged after 4 years of being together, no wedding date was ever set. But we ARE engaged.

Anyway... I was in the process of getting my own apartment for the first time and it was then when he pretty much stopped communicating with me. I moved in on Feb. 21st.

 

He has never seen my new place and to me its more than heartbreaking. He is the love of my life. The person I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with.

shared many good times together and I have been there for him through thick and thin.

I cant believe this is all happening.

Ive been in a depression since Feb 4th.

Im on 3 medications and seeing a therapist.

Its unreal.

All I want is him back. Im not mad at him, even though what he is doing to me is wrong.

Im not mad.

I just want to discuss what is going on and he wont allow me to hardly talk to him.

Everyone is saying Let him go now.

He may come back if he misses you.

 

I just dont know how anyone could just stop talking after a close 8 year relationship.

I am 31 and he is 30.

I KNOW It will catch up to him sooner or later, because he bottles up his emotions.

I hope he calls me again.

[TooHonest]

I found while trying to understand the almost instant cutoff. It'd doesn't stop the hurting, but helps to identify if commitmentphobia might be an issue. It helped me to understand his behavior a little more. And I am sure my fear of him leaving me again feeds off his phobia.

 

You will never know true happiness

until you have truly loved,

and you will never understand

what pain really is

until you have lost it.

~ by Anonymous ~