Ex gf is sending me MAJOR mixed signals. I want her back. (Long read)

[Google1000]

I'll start off by saying that my ex girlfriend and I dated for 5 years and 2 months. We started dating during our sophomore year in high school, and she broke up with me in college this past semester during our junior year. She has been the only girl I've ever had sex with, and I've been the only guy she has ever had sex with. We were each others' first everything almost. We are both going to graduate next spring. I'll be heading to med school, and she will graduate with a biochemistry degree. Right as we were finally getting ready to begin our life together after all of these years, she ended our relationship. Needless to say, I'm completely destroyed, and after three months I've finally gathered the strength to come and post about it on here. I'm not exactly sure what insane thoughts caused her to break up with me. She completely BLINDSIDED me. Our relationship had begun to decline the last couple of months, but not nearly to the point that I would have considered breaking up with my girlfriend of FIVE FREAKING YEARS. I can only assume that she broke up with me due to the GIGS syndrome. She had made a new group of friends in college that she started to go out with, and I had been placed on the backburner for a while. One night after not seeing her for two weeks, I invited her to come over and she broke up with me. She said that she felt tied down to the relationship wanted to be free for a while.

 

Immediately after the breakup I basically went crazy. For a week I begged and pleaded with her to not do this to us. I begged and pleaded for her to realize that we are only 15 months away from finally getting out into the real world and living an awesome life. Needless to say, it didn't work. For a girl that had been so great for 5 years, she seemed like she had been possessed by the devil. That's how ice cold she was.

 

After the first week, I started NC.

 

After two weeks of NC, I got my first text from her. I didn't reply. As much as it hurt to not reply, I didn't.

 

Two weeks after that, I get a text from her best friend (who is also a good friend of mine). We chat for a while, and then her best friend starts suggesting that maybe I should chat with my ex and that things will work out. I KNOW that my ex was behind all of this. I wanted to jump for joy and immediately jump back into the relationship, but I wanted to wait for a week or so until we got back home.

 

A couple of days later I get another text from my ex saying that she really misses me. We chat for a while through text. For someone who missed me so much, she sure didn't have much to say. Lots of one-word replies and stuff.

 

For the next week she texts me every other day or so and the texts are finally starting to get more interesting. I would have asked her to lunch during that week, but unfortunately we were at school and had finals. It was a very busy week.

 

FINALLY we get back to our hometown and I call her a couple days later and ask her to lunch. She gladly says "yeah sure that sounds fun", but she said that she wasn't sure when she could go to lunch...I tried to set a date, but she said she wasn't sure when she could go.

 

And this is where things start going downhill. Since the day I made that call, she has NOT ONCE initiated contact with me. That call was almost 4 weeks ago. A week later I texted her asking whether or not she still wanted to get lunch. I gave her a few days to choose from, and she said "I don't know when I can go. We can always go back at college though."

 

A few days after those texts, I went to a party. She was there. She COMPLETELY IGNORED me. She was drunk though. I tried to say hi to her, but she seemed to be trying to ignore me. Not only that, but she was dancing and grinding with other guys. It was tough to watch, but I am very suspicious that she was trying to make me jealous.

 

It's been two weeks since the party and she still hasn't initiated any contact with me. She has been going out with friends and family almost every night ever since we got home. We will go back to college in a few days though. Fortunately, she is a very good student and usually doesn't do much with that group of friends anymore. She will have a lot of time to sit there and miss me.

 

I'm completely confused. She seemed to be desperate to talk to me, and then when I finally call her and ask her to lunch, she happily says yes but ends up blowing me off. She hasn't initiated contact since.

[TaraMaiden]

How long a leash do you need?

if she says 'jump', do you ask, 'how high?'

 

You have no choice, but to go No Contact again.

I mean, total, complete, thorough, right-across-the-board, No Contact.

Delete numbers, email addresses, text facilities, Facebook - every-damn-darned-way of ever contacting her - or letting her contact you.

 

The question is never, but ever, "WTF, why is she, what is she, how is she, when she does ** what does it mean when....?"

 

The only question you ever need to answer is - "How do I deal with this?"

 

And you deal with it by refusing to be jerked around.

Period.

Finito.

Done.

Finished.

Move on.

 

Move.

 

ON.

[SimonSerenade]

I hate reading stories like this, Make's me wonder what the hell is wrong with the world, I always figured when things go right they just go right forever but these days more and more women just tend to call it off for no reason at all, I can relate to this alot as my ex did the same.

 

After 3 or so years together and a child later, She just ends it out of nowhere with no real explanation or goodbye, I can only assume it's a case of G.I.G.S as she's 20 years old going on 21, She too went from being a sweet little diamond to a crap covered chocolate, Was extremely cold and harsh with me, I too begged and pleaded and got nothing in return, Just got many meaningless words thrown at me.

 

I begged and reasoned with her for a good 6 weeks, Attempted to be her friend for about a month but it just didn't work as I did so much for her and she knew she could get to me to do anything for her and again got nothing in return, It just felt extremely weird and wrong, At the begining of November I went no contact after sending her a hand written letter telling her how I felt, Christmas rolled around and she got me some presents, Not that cheap either, That made me wonder, Gave me hope and made me contact her, The hope was quickly squished though.

 

I wish I'd of never broken no contact back then as I was feeling better when I wasn't talking to her and I'm starting to feel better now, Now that I've had some time to reflect and got past the grieving part of the break up and the anger part, Only sadness and bitterness remains but the kind that one can live with, I could never ever be with somebody who could just throw me away and treat me like that, I've got my confidence back now and with that I Want nothing more to do with her.

 

Trust me mate, It may be hard now but go no contact and get yourself back to the way you should be and you'll feel and see a difference.

 

Also I sympathise with you on the fact that you were eachother's first and only time's with eachother, I was my ex's first and only time in the sack and to me, That was a bond I clung onto tightly with both hands, Sometime's the hardest thing to take was to imagine her with somebody else cause once that bonds gone, It's gone forever, No getting it back, That in it self makes it hard to give up on but you just got to accept that it's out of your hands and there's nothing more you can do about it.

 

Just be proud that you did all you could mate, Here's hoping you feel better soon.

[Google1000]

Sometimes I consider waiting until she contacts me again and then responding "would you feel uncomfortable grabbing lunch? Why should we text when we haven't even talked to each other in person to catch up? I'd like to have some lunch and just be comfortable around each other again." Obviously I'd have to word it better than that though. Not sure if this would throw me into the friend zone or not though.

 

OR

 

I'm also considering texting her in a couple weeks (if she hasn't contacted me) and asking her how she truly feels about everything. Asking her if she has honestly ever had mixed feelings about her decision and whether or not she truly misses our relationship. If she said yes then maybe I would suggest having lunch and just taking things slowly. I'd have to let her know though that if things don't work out then thats fine, but we've got nothing to lose.

 

 

I will most likely just maintain NC and try to move on and hope that she eventually chases me, but I'm tired of playing these stupid little games. Even if I get completely rejected, there would be some satisfaction in finally getting some honesty and taking one of the routes listed above.

Edited January 14, 2011 by Google1000

[dng]

The only question you ever need to answer is - "How do I deal with this?"

 

This is perfectly right on.

[dng]

Sometimes I consider waiting until she contacts me again and then responding "would you feel uncomfortable grabbing lunch? Why should we text when we haven't even talked to each other in person to catch up? I'd like to have some lunch and just be comfortable around each other again." Obviously I'd have to word it better than that though. Not sure if this would throw me into the friend zone or not though.

 

OR

 

I'm also considering texting her in a couple weeks (if she hasn't contacted me) and asking her how she truly feels about everything. Asking her if she has honestly ever had mixed feelings about her decision and whether or not she truly misses our relationship. If she said yes then maybe I would suggest having lunch and just taking things slowly. I'd have to let her know though that if things don't work out then thats fine, but we've got nothing to lose.

 

 

I will most likely just maintain NC and try to move on and hope that she eventually chases me, but I'm tired of playing these stupid little games. Even if I get completely rejected, there would be some satisfaction in finally getting some honesty and taking one of the routes listed above.

 

As hard as it is - and believe me I know - none of these two ideas would produce any result.

 

Try to abandon all hope as quickly as you can, the boat has sunk.

 

Mind games will just delay the inevitable. Soon enought you'll start noticing all the things about her that you didn't like and you'll be in a better place.

 

Courage.

 

She knows how you feel and is not doing anything about it, think about that.

[Google1000]

I honestly don't think the boat has sunk. When she gets back to college she is going to be spending plenty of time alone in her room. She studies very hard and always loved to text/talk to me when she was studying/reading, etc. Now she won't have that. Ever since we have been back home she has had tons of friends to do stuff with. It has helped heal her and distract her from the pains of the breakup.

 

I would be shocked if I don't hear from her within the first month of the semester. Most likely she will contact me via text. Probably it will say something along the lines of: "Hey how are you doing?"

 

Obviously I'm going to try to move on and let her see that I'm having fun without her. I know how lonely she gets though when she stays up late studying though (sometimes even on friday/saturday nights), and I have a strong feeling she will contact me at some point.

 

My question is, should I respond if I get this text? What should I do?

Edited January 14, 2011 by Google1000

[dng]

I honestly don't think the boat has sunk. When she gets back to college she is going to be spending plenty of time alone in her room. She studies very hard and always loved to text/talk to me when she was studying/reading, etc. Now she won't have that. Ever since we have been back home she has had tons of friends to do stuff with. It has helped heal her and distract her from the pains of the breakup.

 

I would be shocked if I don't hear from her within the first month of the semester. Most likely she will contact me via text. Probably it will say something along the lines of: "Hey how are you doing?"

 

Obviously I'm going to try to move on and let her see that I'm having fun without her. I know how lonely she gets though when she stays up late studying though (sometimes even on friday/saturday nights), and I have a strong feeling she will contact me at some point.

 

My question is, should I respond if I get this text? What should I do?

 

She's not sending you mixed signals. She's just trying to stay in contact with you but she doesnt want you anywhere near her.

 

Think about that.

[TaraMaiden]

My question is, should I respond if I get this text?

No.

 

What should I do?

Ignore her.

 

 

Well, you did ask.....

[Google1000]

She's not sending you mixed signals. She's just trying to stay in contact with you but she doesnt want you anywhere near her.

 

Think about that.

 

I'm not completely convinced of that. Not saying she is foaming at the mouth to see me, but I do not think she is avoiding me at all costs. My reasoning:

 

-She seemed very happy and energetic on the phone about going to eat to catch up. She even suggested the restaurant.

 

-I found out that she really was telling the truth about not being able to go on the days I suggested. She was out of town on all of those days, and this break has been very busy for her. Not only that, but she has ALWAYS been the type to completely blow me off when we come home for the winter. She wants to spend time with family and old friends. Even when we were dating, she never wanted to spend much time with me during winter break.

 

-I just looked up the text that she sent when I asked her to eat for the second time. She replied: "I'm not sure when I can go. I'm gonna be out of town for all of next week." My reply to that was "Alright I thought it would be fun to catch up and stuff." Her reply to that was "Well we can always go when we get back to college. I'd like that."

 

-At the party, she seemed to be trying to make me jealous. She cuddled with other guys (although they were just long-time friends) and people told me after that they had never seen her be like that at a party since our breakup. Kinda like she was putting on a show for me.

 

 

She got back in town a few days ago and I haven't heard from her. We are both about to head back to our college town. However, her best friend ALWAYS brings my ex up in conversation. Kinda like she is waiting for me to say something about her. I'm positive that she knows how my ex feels and am suspicious that she is trying to find out how I feel and relay it back to my ex. I always respond as if I'm ok with the breakup and everything is good.

 

 

I might wait for her to contact me first, but if the boat really has sunk then I guess it couldn't really hurt to suggest again that we grab lunch on the weekend. I suppose I'll give the platonic vibe of just being friends and then hope that lunch goes well and she wants more.

 

I know I might be grasping at nothing, but I'm just trying to find the best route to take if there is indeed a chance that she isn't completely opposed to grabbing lunch. I guess NC is best for the next couple of weeks.

[AbsoluteSucker]

You really need to go NC and refuse to grab lunch or meet up with her if she offers. I know you want this to work out, but it's never going to work out if you keep going down this road. Cut all contact immediately, I can't stress that enough. Right now she's just looking for a reaction, don't give it to her. The more you try and contact her or meet up with her, the more she is going to f*ck with you, man.

 

While every situation is different, the games are all the same. The fastest way for her to mature is for you to show her that you don't care (whether you do or not) and she'll quickly learn to not take for granted the people that care about her.

 

I know it sucks and it may not make sense, but it's the best thing for you both.

[Google1000]

You really need to go NC and refuse to grab lunch or meet up with her if she offers. I know you want this to work out, but it's never going to work out if you keep going down this road. Cut all contact immediately, I can't stress that enough. Right now she's just looking for a reaction, don't give it to her. The more you try and contact her or meet up with her, the more she is going to f*ck with you, man.

 

While every situation is different, the games are all the same. The fastest way for her to mature is for you to show her that you don't care (whether you do or not) and she'll quickly learn to not take for granted the people that care about her.

 

I know it sucks and it may not make sense, but it's the best thing for you both.

 

Very insightful. As much as it sucks, this reply actually brought me quite a bit of comfort.

 

Although if she asks me to lunch, I highly doubt I'll refuse. I may say "I don't know when I can", and then get back to her later though. Do the exact same thing she did to me.

Edited January 15, 2011 by Google1000

[rich46]

Very insightful. As much as it sucks, this reply actually brought me quite a bit of comfort.

Yes, it was a very insightful post by AbsoluteSucker...

 

Although if she asks me to lunch, I highly doubt I'll refuse. I may say "I don't know when I can", and then get back to her later though. Do the exact same thing she did to me.

...just a shame that you are completely ignoring his advice.

[Google1000]

 

...just a shame that you are completely ignoring his advice.

 

 

Ok? You expect me to completely pass up the opportunity to go eat with her?

Edited January 15, 2011 by Google1000

[Eternity001]

You have to pass it up. Unless of course you like being a little puppy that caves the moment you see the slightest opening. You have to listen to these people because they're right. What do you suppose having lunch is going to achieve? Do you think she's going to break down in front of you and realise she made a mistake? Beg for you back? She isn't and even if she does say she misses you or any other crap like that, it's merely for a reaction. She has the power here, not you and every time you reply to a text message, agree to a catch up, reciprocate feelings such as missing her, you go right back to square one. Taking the power back and minimising some of the pain means going no contact.

 

Take it from me. I to broke up with an ex of 5 years once and played this game for over a year. Now the moment that ex turned around and took control, didn't contact me and finally decided she was happy with her own life alone. I all of a sudden wanted her back as a result. That passed but it felt crap at the time.

 

She isn't going to take you back dude, not right now. There's nothing appealing about doing what you're doing for a dumper. You have to appear strong, independant and in control, even if you're not.

 

Go no contact! complete and utter no contact.

[dng]

What do you suppose having lunch is going to achieve?

 

That's also something I wanted to tell you and it slipped my mind.

 

You are focussing all your energy on that meeting. Your whole line of thinking is how on to get that meeting.

 

You are overlooking everything else. What will you do after that meeting, whatever the outcome is?

 

I can tell you. You'll go back to your current state and focus all your energy on getting... another meeting. And so on. For weeks, months. I've talked to people who have done that for 6 months like myself, 12 months. 18 months. In some cases, years.

 

You will set limits for yourself, such as : if she sleeps with someone. If she meets someone. If she... Each time she reaches a limit, you will lower your standards and that will lower your self worth and self esteem.

 

Think about this carefully before you enter what could be a very dangerous process. Dangerous for you as a person.

 

Its the same thought process as an addict. One last fix, then I'm stopping, then we'll see. Or I'll cross that bridge when I get to the river.

 

Take control now. Control means realising that the relationship is over and refusing contact with her as long as she can hurt you.

 

There will be those moments where its really hard. You know what I mean. Those are the moments when you NEED to stay NC.

 

Courage brother. You will find that when you abandon all hope, you will start feeling better. When you think about hear and you feel that anxiety in your chest, talk to yourself. Tell yourself "Ok. Stop this. Stop this.", gently.

Edited January 15, 2011 by dng

[Google1000]

I appreciate the replies and support from you guys.

 

The truth is I only have until August or so until she most likely moves to another college to finish her degree (although that university is not very far away). After that, I'll be moving a couple hours away to med school and chances for reconciliation will be zero. I can't refuse a lunch date because then when she moves away a couple months later, I will be kicking myself for not accepting it.

 

Fortunately, I have a lot of things going for me in college. A good core group of friends, good resume, GPA, etc. I'm confident and would consider myself an attractive guy. I plan on at least trying to do some light dating this upcoming semester (although it has been YEARS since I've hit on a girl, obviously). If I'm lucky with that, it will hopefully drive her nuts seeing me talk to other girls, and also help soothe my pain.

 

Her and I have always had the greatest conversations. By having lunch, I simply want to see if we "click" again. If we do, I have faith that she will want more. If we don't, then thats fine and at least I will have some closure.

 

My time is running out. This lunch date is important because I feel it is my last chance to spark something before she moves off. If by miracle we ended up reconciling before she moves, I could easily convince her to stay at this university for her senior year. If I don't spark anything, then I'll just have to accept that it's not meant to be.

Edited January 15, 2011 by Google1000

[0hpenelope]

So you want the lunch date in case that might bring you closure?

 

Lower your expectations, brother. Expectations in this area usually lead to disappointment. Proceed with caution.

[Google1000]

Well as I see it, only two things can happen with a lunch date:

 

a) We have a very good time, catch up, etc. She leaves knowing she had a good time, and that will undoubtedly lead her to think about me. I just sit back and see if she pursues more contact with me. If she does, we take it from there. Play hard to get and possibly ask her on a second date. If not, oh well. I will have given it my best shot. If she's not attracted to me anymore, then there is nothing I can do about it.

 

b) We don't have a good time. I can sleep peacefully knowing that we might not be compatible anymore and that there is someone better out there.

 

Both of these options to me are much better than just not knowing. It will be much easier to move on if I know that we aren't compatible anymore.

[0hpenelope]

Both of these options to me are much better than just not knowing. It will be much easier to move on if I know that we aren't compatible anymore.

 

Alright then. Good luck. Let us know how you fare during the lunch date.

[Google1000]

Alright then. Good luck. Let us know how you fare during the lunch date.

 

If I'm ever fortunate enough to get it, then I will certainly update.

 

And to the guy who asked what I'm trying to accomplish with a lunch date. I certainly DO NOT expect her to break down or anything like that. The goal would simply be to catch up, have light conversation, etc. I would not even try to talk about the relationship or anything like that. After the date, she either pursues more contact or she doesn't. If I sense that I'm getting friend zoned, I cut off all contact and move on. Friend zone means she has no attraction for you, which means it's time to move on.

 

Right now I'm gonna do NC like I've been doing the past couple weeks. Ignore all texts, etc. I'll update if anything happens. As much as she is alone studying during the semester, I'll be shocked if I don't start getting texts from her soon.

Edited January 15, 2011 by Google1000

[AbsoluteSucker]

The reason people are telling you not to go on the lunch date is because most of us have done something similar (including me) and it never works out like you anticipate. You are being way to logical about the situation and focusing on the outcomes that you are expecting and if it goes well you're good, if it goes bad you're good. That doesn't happen, trust the people here, you're not going to get the closure you expect. You're trying to make sense out of a non-sensical situation.

 

You're not taking into account what her intentions are going into the lunch. She wants to have a good time to prove that she's over you and to mess with your head. I'm not saying she's doing it intentionally; it's the low end of human nature.

 

You're already walking around eggshells with her, by not talking about the relationship, you are already catering to her needs and not being yourself. Other people may not agree with me, but the ONLY reason to meet up for lunch is because she wants to talk about the relationship and nothing else.

 

Obviously, you care about her and have a history, but if you want to have any type of relationship in the future, stick to the NC and don't let her treat you like sh*t, because it only makes her think less of you.

 

Yeah, you may be getting texts soon, we all do, but man, you don't need to prove to her that you're a good guy or anything else. You have to turn the tables, and the only way to do that is NC, until she is forced to address what is going on between the two of you. Accept nothing less, anything else isn't worth talking about.

[andrew-bkk]

I'm not saying she's doing it intentionally; it's the low end of human nature.

 

Beautifully put, and very true.

 

Many people here on LS say that exes (whether cheating or otherwise) do these things because they are playing games.

 

They are not. They know what they are. They know exactly what they are. They are consumed by guilt.

 

They have gone to the bottom. And they know it. If they want to contact you, it is not because they want to be with you. It is because they want temporary relief from the swamps and dirt and filth that they are now mired in.

 

Understand yourself, and understand your ex. You are now better than her. She knows this, and she hates the fact that you know it, too.

 

Control. NC gives you control.

 

Your ex is forever flawed. But you, my friend, will grow and flourish.