candoit Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 I was here some 10 months ago crying over being thrown under the bus... well i tried to move on with my life and didn't really find someone i conected well with , all along my mm was trying to get intouch with me and i was ignoring him, until he finally proved to me that he lived alone , he took me to his place and says he never stoped thinking about me. To all you women in affairs with mm, I think you need to be strong and end it and start n/c , if the mm truly loves you they will not be able to live without you ;let them come back to you without the wife in the picture. Link to post Share on other sites
SunsetRed Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 Thank you. You don't know how much I needed to hear this. I've been so strong and haven't initiated contact with my xMM and I've tried to move on by getting involved in hobbies, activities and even online dating. Still, on the inside, I keep hoping with all my heart that he'll come back to me as a free man. I think about my xMM everyday and I miss him so much it hurts. Please tell us more about how you stayed in NC, kept strong and attempted to move on with your life. Then tell us how your ex made the attempt to come back into your life. Thanks for giving me some hope, as tonight I'm having a depressed and hopeless night. Link to post Share on other sites
Author candoit Posted January 15, 2011 Author Share Posted January 15, 2011 if you read my previous posts from months ago you will notice that i told the wife about the affair, out of anger mm told me I should never call his phone again.His wife decided to stay with him despite how i had revealed to her that her husband didnt love her. I was hurt , I couldn't eat , I must have lost about 30ponds, I tried dating other single people , at 4 months of n/c he started sending his cousing to call me because he was too ashamed to call me after he had asked me not to call his phone. I would get so angry each time the cousin called and i would tell him i would call him back, which i never did ... This went on until i found out he wasnt with the wife anymore, so 3 months ago i decided to give him a chance and since then he gave me the keys to his apartment and we so far are happy:). truth is if you love something let it go and if it really loves you it will come back to you Link to post Share on other sites
SunsetRed Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 Well, xMM's are good for one thing anyway...weight loss! Almost every on here experienced significant weight loss as a result of the break up with a MM. I couldn't eat either and the pain was so bad I felt it burning through me physically. I never lost weight with other break ups I've had, but with this one I did. I'm over 40 and wouldn't have lost the weight otherwise, so I guess that's one good thing that came out of this. I agree, if you love something, set it free. I watched my xMM go right back to the wife he swore he was done with. I let him know I was hurt, but otherwise haven't interfered or contacted him since the break up. I know he'll come back to me one day, but sometimes I get impatient and I want to contact him to see what he's been up to. So far, I haven't broken NC. Anyway, thanks again for your story. I'm home alone after meeting a string of disappointing men online and I miss my ex more than ever. Link to post Share on other sites
Author candoit Posted January 15, 2011 Author Share Posted January 15, 2011 sunsetred How long has it been since you started your n/c ...as for me when i started n/c i truly was working to get over mm and lucky enough for him he came back when my feelings for him were still there.His soon to be ex-wife calls him everyday beging him to take her back- well he says its me he really wants to be with Link to post Share on other sites
issohard Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 Well, xMM's are good for one thing anyway...weight loss! Almost every on here experienced significant weight loss as a result of the break up with a MM. I couldn't eat either and the pain was so bad I felt it burning through me physically. I never lost weight with other break ups I've had, but with this one I did. I'm over 40 and wouldn't have lost the weight otherwise, so I guess that's one good thing that came out of this. I totally agree with weight lost. I have lost so many kilos which I am very happy about.. there are always some pluses.. Link to post Share on other sites
SunsetRed Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 Candoit, My xMM and I have been broken up for 4 months and I've had strict NC since Nov 7th, although it killed me not to contact him over the holidays. He must've been expecting me to contact him as just yesterday I got a late Happy New Year email from him. I didn't respond as he only threw crumbs my way and indicated that he was still "trying to figure things out" with the wife. If he does come back to me, he needs to be finished with the wife. While we were dating, I was under the impression that it was over between them and that she didn't want him anymore. I'm still under the impression that all she wants is his money, but still...she's the wife and to me it doesn't matter why she wants him back, as long as she is trying to get him back, then I'm stepping out of the picture. #1, I don't have the energy to fight a wife. She'll always have the last word and the final trump card and she'll always be able to pull him around by his balls, whereas I don't have that power. I want my ex to come back with legal separation/divorce papers. #2 I believe you bring bad karma on to yourself when you take a husband from a wife. The whole time I was with my ex, I believed they were over and that we were free to be together. I never wanted to be the OW who took someone's husband. I've seen other women do that and they ended up losing their houses, credit etc. I'm still hoping beyond hoping that my XMM will come back to me with papers. I haven't put my life on hold, but at the same time, I'm not going to get involved with some loser from a dating site, just to prove I've moved on. From what I've heard about break ups with a xMM, it can take a year or more to be fully over it. There's something about these men that pull us in more so than completely single guys do. There's also something more toxic about the break up, hence the weight loss. Well, my skinny jeans from 10 years ago fit now, so that is a plus! Link to post Share on other sites
BB07 Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 Sunset Red.............that's awesome that you are keeping on your NC with that man and you are refusing to be the OW. I just want to mention a few things that you might want to consider if he does come back that I would wonder about if I were you. He has to know that he hurt you very, very badly and forgive me but I'm not sure if you posted if he discussed it all with you or not, but does a man who hurt you that much deserve your trust again? Also........if you and he didn't discuss his intentions toward his separated wife, that speaks to a lack of communication doesn't it? Or......if you did discuss these things, did he deliberately mislead you or did he lie by omission or just let you assume things and didn't bother to correct you? Three years is a long time for him to go back........and I would take that as a huge red flag that things are no where near over for him and her. It's easy to assume that it's mostly for financial reasons but you really don't know the whole story, do you? I just worry about you and I'm afraid that you might be setting yourself up for future pain from this man because regardless of why, he hurt you very badly and I'm not sure you should give him another chance to do it again. Link to post Share on other sites
SunsetRed Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 BB07, You are right. My xMM lied to me, misled me and completely threw me under the bus. It would have been even worse if I would have given up my place to share a place with him. Then I'd be homeless as well as loveless. The whole time we were together, I could see him struggling with expenses his wife expected him to pay. He would get so angry and would defend her whenever I suggested that it's not the 1950's anymore and a wife/mother can contribute to her household expenses as well. Meanwhile, he expected me to contribute to our dating expenses. He would borrow money from me and give money to her. He always paid me back, but still...I make $12 an hour, he makes $30 and he's borrowing from me? He always assured me that the financial struggles were temporary and that as long as he paid the bills, she was ok with getting the divorce finalized and even with him remarrying. 5 days before he dumped me, he told me that "some women have been the right woman for the right time, but you are the right woman for the rest of my life." Then, boom, the ax comes. Wow, as I write this, I am wondering why I still want him. It's the same answer all of us would give..inspite of all the headache and hassle, there was still something about our connection that so powerful and it felt like we could overcome anything. I'm so glad I found this site to vent on and learn from. This site really is helping me get back to healthy. Link to post Share on other sites
BB07 Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 Sunset Red.............this man does not deserve you if he does come back. Just in your first paragraph alone is more than enough reasons why. Take it from someone who found out the hard way......the 2nd time around was a lot more soul crushing, bone jarring, life altering pain than the 1st time was. Please..........be careful. Link to post Share on other sites
twinsmom Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 BB07, I just want to say that I really appreciate your no-nonsense, yet empathetic posts..You are one of the few that manages to convey your advice without coming across as condescending or holier-than-thou..I have a feeling that many more OW are hearing and hopefully heeding YOUR advice than they are of those who just repeatedly berate them and treat them like idiots. I know if I had posted on here in the midst of my situation, you would have been the one I would most likely have listened to. I know your situation, having read most of it over the past year, and I appreciate that you're not just some bitter ex-other woman. I do think you have the best interests of currrent OW's at heart, and I thank you for expressing your thoughts in a rational, non-judgmental manner. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
BB07 Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 BB07, I just want to say that I really appreciate your no-nonsense, yet empathetic posts..You are one of the few that manages to convey your advice without coming across as condescending or holier-than-thou..I have a feeling that many more OW are hearing and hopefully heeding YOUR advice than they are of those who just repeatedly berate them and treat them like idiots. I know if I had posted on here in the midst of my situation, you would have been the one I would most likely have listened to. I know your situation, having read most of it over the past year, and I appreciate that you're not just some bitter ex-other woman. I do think you have the best interests of currrent OW's at heart, and I thank you for expressing your thoughts in a rational, non-judgmental manner. Thanks! Thank you so much for your kind words Twinsmom. They really mean a lot to me. I've heard that something good can come from almost anything so maybe my something good is hopefully helping another woman to avoid the pain that affairs bring. Link to post Share on other sites
Star_Bright Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Sunset Red.............this man does not deserve you if he does come back. Just in your first paragraph alone is more than enough reasons why. Take it from someone who found out the hard way......the 2nd time around was a lot more soul crushing, bone jarring, life altering pain than the 1st time was. Please..........be careful. I agree. I agree with candoit that probably the only way to knock them off the fence or get any action out of them is to go NC. This doesn't mean they WILL take action but if they won't then, they sure weren't going to anyway, and if they aren't forced to do it, then they probably won't (kind of like the BS saying her or me and sticking to the threat). But the catch-22 with that is that by the time you are at that point where you are able to do that, you realize you don't want to be with someone who can cheat like that, someone who lied to you or strung you along, someone who you have to force to choose you. In my sitch I got movement after I walked but it was always the bare minimum of what I would accept and I started to see right through him. I don't want a little boy incapable of making up his own mind until one of his mommies (me or his wife) tells him what to do - I want a man who knows he wants me and only me. Candoit I am not trying to be discouraging, I think sometimes they do change for the better if they have enough motivation. That just didn't happen in my sitch as much as I wanted it to. I wish you the best, good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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