MEN: Can you tell me why a guy is like this???

[Fedup&givingup]

Also, I would think this guy would have problems in other arenas in his life i.e., work. She said he didn't want to go out much when they were dating, that he was happy to be complacent sitting around the house watching TV. I think he's either cheap (LOL), and/or not very social. He might not have many male friends, and that might have a lot to do with his lack of charm in getting into her pants.

[moimeme]

This guy has motives, and his actions sound VERY premeditated.

 

My point will always be that you can NEVER, with impunity, assume that you are correct about the motives/thoughts/intentions of any human other than yourself. This is all the more true when you then use your assumptions to condemn another person. Say you dislike his behaviour, make some guesses as to what his motivation might be, but to impute motive to another person without living inside his head is unfair.

 

You cannot tell by the nature of the action whether it has been premeditated or not. If you think hard enough, you could also figure out how a person could do exactly the same thing without thinking. It is enough to decide that you don't want to deal with his behaviour without needing to presume him to be evil/manipulative, etc. etc.

[Fedup&givingup]

True, Moi, but I also don't have a PHD after my name to diagnose someone or simply guess, do you have a PHD? You are basing your opinion on past/previous experience. I'm basing MY opinion on past experiences with people.

 

I've got a 9 year old son that is in the third grade. Over the years, he and I both have been subjected to classmates that have been told they were ADHD. Those kids would do things like hit other students, shout out answers, get up and just start wandering around the classroom without even know why they did it. When they hurt another person, they had no remorse for it, because they didn't even know why or understand why they did it-most likely due to the fact that they did it for no reason (meaning the kid they attacked hadn't said or done anything physical to them to start with).

 

All I'm saying is that this guy OBVIOUSLY wants to get his horn scraped. He calls her up and suggests going somewhere that he didn't want to even go to when he had her. They go, and have the usual conversation, and THEN he repeatedly makes his move and starts talking sex. When she puts her foot down and refuses, he gets out of their situation by saying he's got to go see someone else. Then, he's gone for a couple of weeks. Sounds like he's got a motive to me. Looks like when he doesn't get what he wants, he drops her like a hot cake. Looks pretty pre meditated to me, and it looks like he's fully aware of what he's doing. He wants something, and he thinks he's being slick by going to the mountains. That's his idea of being charming. He didn't have to do that when he was dating her, because he was already dipping into the honey pot then. Now that he isn't getting it from her, he has to put forth more of an effort and show that he's "into her" by going to the mountains as a sacrifice on her behalf.

 

She also mentioned this guy is good looking and could probably get anyone...that's pwerful right there, and THAT might have something to do with why his methods are so unrefined. He's probably not had to work this hard on getting what he wants out of someone. He sounds like the class act USER. He didn't take her out, he wouldn't even go and do what she wanted to do when they were dating.

 

BEFUDDLED, GOOD for you for breaking things off with this guy! The more I've thought about this one, the more I think there won't ever be any friendship, because he wants to get laid. That's the bottom line everytime you two get together as "friends", and when he doesn't get that from you, it's "See ya"

[moimeme]

You are basing your opinion on past/previous experience

 

Well, no. Actually, I'm the secretary of an organization that advocates for adults with AD/HD and LD. I have read extensively about AD/HD. It is my group's business to understand the nature of the lives of people with AD/HD and to further public education, including tackling myths where we see them being propagated.

 

The behaviour you describe in the kids in your son's class is indeed AD/HD behaviour, but one of the most difficult issues with AD/HD is that not everyone presents the same symptoms or behaviours. Unlike some conditions, AD/HD has many different attendant characteristics and they are usually not seen consistently.

 

It's tricky understanding the symptoms and behaviours and how and why they manifest or do not. It's not like measles; you can't just recognize it with one look. People with AD/HD also usually have one or more comorbidities (co-occurring conditions), meaning their behaviour can be further affected by them.

[befuddled11]

Yes, I too think that he's just not used to being "turned down" before. He is a very good looking guy. Can be very funny, very charming. It wasn't until after we'd broken up and were talking "as friends", that a lot of his past came out........it was then that he bragged about how he used to be extremely promiscuous (in his 20s, apparently)...how he could (and did) "get" any woman he wanted.....and it surely didn't matter if she was married because he'd had more than his fair share of married women.......and I can remember him telling me this like it was yesterday.....how he told me that "back then, I could have any married woman I wanted, it was never a problem." Of course at the TIME he was confessing this to me, he said adamantly, that his "view" on getting involved with "married women" was very different, and he "now" had grown up and had the utmost respect for marriage and would never even consider screwing around with someone who was married (now whether that's really true, who knows?).

 

On the 'surface', he DOES seem like a great catch. His looks, his material possessions (lives on a lake, has a new boat, a new fancy smancy truck, works in management and makes the big bucks, etc), his charm, his sense of humor, his obvious ability to dazzle. I'm sure he could walk into any bar, on any given day, and pick up any woman that he wanted, and based on how he talks to me, I'm betting that he does just that. If he thinks I'm such an obvious "Freak of nature" because it's been a whopping 4 months since I've had sex, and that what I "need" is to get liquored up at a bar and have some stranger take me home and screw me..I'd say the odds are good that that's what he does himself.

 

I suspect that my adamant resistance to hooking up with him, is a total assault on his ego. I guess that's what makes me a challenge, too...which is why he won't completely give up and get it through his thick head that he will never get me into bed.

 

I can't help but agree with you, that a lot of his behavior is extremely premeditated in appearance.

 

Just like back before I broke down and had sex with him (when together)...all the sweet talk and romantic words.....stuff he KNEW I'd eat right up......well after the first time we had sex, all that stuff never came from his lips again. Why? I think that's obvious....because as you said, he achieved the dip into the honey pot and didn't have to "work for it" any longer. (me stupid)

 

And like I already wrote, he bragged to me that day about how easy women are to read and understand, and that if you basically just toss them a crumb of sweet words or affection, giving them that "inch" will get you a mile in return. And he likely believes this because it's always worked for him. It worked that way for him with me, but only for a while......and then I got really sick of not being taken out of the house....of never being taken out to McDonald's, even........of having to be content to sit like a beached whale on the couch watching crap on TV while he slowly drifted off to sleep....and that would be the high point of a Friday night. It was BORING!!

 

I do not feel he values me as a person, a woman, as someone he had a relationship with, and surely not as a friend. I am nothing but a conquest and a challenge. This I don't need. I tried to give him the benefit of a doubt.....but I can see now that it's a huge waste of time. He doesn't deserve me. I don't really care "what" his problem is......but I will not allow him to disrespect me time and time again. If he contacts me again, I'll ignore him. There wouldn't even be any point in trying to explain to him why I've had enough. It would be a waste of my energy.

[Fedup&givingup]

BINGO, Befuddled! I KNEW I smelled a wiff of another caulky, arrogant PLAYER. He hasn't put down the torch for you because he hasn't CONQUERED you. You said so yourself, that you are the challenge. He wants what he can't have, and you have piqued his interests for that reason alone.

 

If you are the one that was with a cheating, abusive husband in your past (I'm pretty sure this is you), I am SOOO proud of you for refraining from this master manipulating, caniving JERK. I know his kind, and he's so damned predictable it's not even funny. If you aren't the same person that was in an abusive marriage with a husband that cheated, good for you anyway with this guy! The fact that you are turning this clown down and sticking to your guns makes ME feel good....us women need to stick together LOL.

 

You didn't even get a male's perspective on this one...isn't that a coincidence

[jenny]

a lot of my guy friends are like this as well, but they are more generally horny, than specifically horny.

i don't think i could handle that amount of concentration on me - it's creepy. worse, it's boring.

 

i don't care if the guy has ADD. it's not your problem if he does, and it's not up to anyone unqualified to diagnose him. i say lose him as a friend. if you made friends with him, you can be friends with lots of funny, interesting, guys who don't have this irritating of a fatal flaw.

 

this is not about your sexuality at all - it is about his poor friendship. the math is clear: weigh your annoyance about this problem against your pleasure at his good qualities, and go with the that answer tells you. from this post of yours and others, it seems clear to me that his crude behaviour subtracts from your life far more than his fun behaviour adds to your life.

[reasontosigh]

I do not feel he values me as a person, a woman, as someone he had a relationship with, and surely not as a friend

 

Yeah, that pretty much sums it up right there.

 

He not only has motives, he has some serious issues too.

 

You didn't even get a male's perspective on this one...isn't that a coincidence

 

There were a couple of them around off and on today that I thought would have some input. I wonder why they chose to "opt out".

[Samson]

I almost hesitate to respond, ironically one (or the only?) male to answer your call for a male’s perspective to answer the eternal question:

“Any guy care to offer some insight on why he's like this?”

 

Being a guy, I have very limited tolerances for input, so please forgive: I’ve only read your first post, not the undoubtedly unbiased subsequent postings of females who have such great insight into the male “gear-box.”

 

So, here it goes:

You have given many great FACTS instead of feelings. Feeling are great, but we really do not relate well to them, e.g. “things like ‘yeah, I once BANGED this chick’,” is a fact: My assessment: This guy is a Neanderthal, even if he said this once.

 

 

But, since you report that“our personalities are a lot alike.....we have "fun" together.....and I'd missed that.” You may also be a Neanderthal, or possibly because, “last time he did this, I had made up my mind to just write him off as a friend,” you may be just a Friend of Neanderthal (FON). BUT NOT A FWB!

 

“sure as hell am past the days of going out to a stinking bar and getting drunk.” Good for you. Perhaps you are a recovering Neanderthal?

 

Well, maybe not completely recovered; “And how he's had "hundreds of blowjobs" but that one he'll never forget. You know, when he said the last bit, I was hurt (when I guess I should have been flattered)...”

 

but “Wow, what a legacy to leave.”

 

Finally, you ask: “Any guy care to offer some insight on why he's like this?”

 

Yes...........Obviously, you give extraordinarily great BJ's. We salute yhour accomplishment.

 

My suggestion: Knaw this guy like a rat on a hunk of cheese.

 

He’ll never call again!

[befuddled11]

Yes, I'm the one who'd posted about my past abusive marriage.

 

And you know, when my ex hubby and I were separated, he would pull this manipulative crap, too. For the year we were separated, I still had "hope" that our marriage would be worked out...that he would somehow "see the light" and get the help he needed, and take responsibility for his abuse toward me.......and I gave it a whole year of praying and crying and waiting and thinking and trying to be patient.

 

However, in that entire year that we were separated, I refused to have sex with him....but that surely didn't stop him from "coming around" and trying to butter me up and suck me in. I knew he was sleeping with half of northern Canada, everyone knew it........and there was NO WAY in the world I was going to let him use me like that. But he could be slick. He would call me up out of the blue, be all sweet, tell me he'd been thinking about me, was missing me, how he'd had an epiphany and realized he needed to get his act together...and he was *this time* going to get the help he needed, and he wanted to work on our marriage.........and to show how sincere he was, he'd want to take me out for dinner, bla bla bla. And being someone who was raised to believe that marriage is for life and that people's hearts can change, I'd get sucked in almost every time.......and I'd be all happy and thanking God. But I'd quickly find out that dinner came with a price: sex. And I would not let him use me.

 

He would be so bold as to say to me, "well you're my wife, you owe me sex." I would be devastated, but I would say to him, "well in order to reap the benefits of a wife, a guy has to be an actual husband."

 

Sometimes he'd just stop by my place, for some pathetic reason, like he'd come across something of "mine" I'd left at our home........when within 15 minutes, it was clear that all he was looking for was to get laid. He even once proudly told me he wanted sex with me because I was "safe sex." wow, wasn't I flattered. Not.

 

Until the day I moved far away from him and got a divorce, he was still trying to guilt me into having sex with him......but I wouldn't budge, and I guess God gave me the wisdom to see that if I did "fall for his BS", I would only wake up to find I'd been used....and this jerk had used me enough...I would not let him touch me, he didn't deserve it.

 

I see some similarities here, between my ex and this dude. The charm, the sweet talk, and when the sweet talk doesn't work, the guilt trips and blatant manipulation and put-downs.

 

Thank God not all men are like this, and I firmly believe that. I know there are good men out there, so I'll just wait til I find one, when the time is right. Thanks for your input and support, Fedup!!! :-) How are things with you? Any updates?

[reasontosigh]

Seems we posted at the same time, Samson. Sorry!

 

....not the undoubtedly unbiased subsequent postings of females who have such great insight into the male “gear-box.”.....

 

Maybe you should read the rest of the thread!

[Samson]

Maybe you should read the rest of the thread!

 

Like I said, Reason, being male, I've limited input capacity, and I'm just limping along here with limited time and one finger (OK, get your mind out of the gutter.....I gotta hunt and peck these responses).

[Fedup&givingup]

Men like that come around like a dog in heat. They are just SOOO predictable!

 

My 30th birthday was soooo upsetting to me. It's a big deal for a woman to turn 30 (and I think it's 40 for men). Anyway, I am SOOOO grateful to be 32 now. I am SOOOO glad to be out of my 20's. The reason is because I KNOW so much more! I would never trade a THING about now for what I didn't know back then.

 

Things are the same old, same old. It sounds awful, but I'm biding my time with my husband...going back to school in the fall (I went to school for 2 years, stopped going to get married, and I had a child who is 9 now....I was really young). I want to try to stick it out until I get my degree. I DO feel guilty for that, because I feel like I'm using my husband. I've got a couple years left, so anything is possible. I can't get over the fact of the things he's done, and I wonder now if he would run around on me now after he knows that I know (even though he won't admit it...and even IF he hasn't done the things I've accused him of, he sure as hell knows he can't pull one over on me). I guess I am using this time to become able and ready to leave if that's what I ultimately decide. In the meantime, he's doing everything HE can to "butter me up" probably to get the monkey off his back (that would be me LOL). It's going alright, and thank you for asking.

 

I enjoy your posts, and you and I think A LOT alike. I admire your values, and I think highly of you for leaving that nightmare of a marriage. I think it's because of that, you know what you want, and you aren't willing to negotiate or settle for anything less.

[befuddled11]

Hey!

I don't think you're crazy or "using" your husband at all, given the circumstances. I think you're being rational and smart and you're taking careful steps to ensure that when you do leave his cheating, lying arse, that you can make a good and rewarding life for yourself and your son. Good for you!! You are obviously nobody's fool.

[from ND]

befuddled, maybe you need to completeley ignore this individual, its obvious what he wants and once he gets it he will drop you and play the same game, look at the INSANITY of the situation

[Samson]

FedUP;

 

Not to hijack the thread, but your post is just to very interesting for me to ignore (and it was invited);

 

Bravo!!: You "feel guilty," about using hubby to help you through school regardless of the facts that may or may not prove him innocent of adultery, and ignoring all attempts to "butter you up."

 

All women-monkeys should be as in touch with their feelings.

[lostforwords]

Maybe..... and dont get all pissed off by this.... but just maybe... he actually sees that you can be the "dirty girl" hes suggesting you should be..... especially if he said you give mean blowjobs...... maybe he has seen your wild "dirty girl" side.... and wants to explore it more...... maybe he knows yoru not what you think you are..... you consider yourself to have morals etc... but maybe this guy sees through all of your demeanor or being a good girl.... and knows you can be a "dirty girl"... i dunno.... i cant think of any other way to describe it but that way...... dont take offense please.

[Samson]

You are SOOOoooo SWEEEeeeet LFWs!

 

Summarizing so tenderly my point that she must give really good BJ's.

 

Thanks!

[lostforwords]

ROFL SAMSON!!!!!!!..... i mean its the most obvious..... isnt it????? befuddled maybe you just give good damn head like hes never had before..... why wouldnt he wanna ride that gravey train again.... (smacks that ass)

[Fedup&givingup]

Originally posted by Samson

FedUP;

 

Not to hijack the thread, but your post is just to very interesting for me to ignore (and it was invited);

 

Bravo!!: You "feel guilty," about using hubby to help you through school regardless of the facts that may or may not prove him innocent of adultery, and ignoring all attempts to "butter you up."

 

All women-monkeys should be as in touch with their feelings.

 

I'm not quite sure what you mean by this comment Samson. Yes, I do feel guilty, because I have a conscience...it's not really about whether or not my husband has committed adultery. He's gone way off the marriage band wagon anyway.

 

Skittles gave me good advice about this...she pointed out that no, it's not wrong of me to be going to school under such circumstances with the feelings of wanting out of this marriage because I am working on myself. For all intent and purposes, two years is further away down the road instead of right around the corner. A lot can happen and change in that time. Instead of my feeling guilty about it, I should let what's happened be the instigator for obtaining my degree and independence...if being independent has to be necessary. When the time comes, I will know then what I will do.

 

P.S. Whether or not Befuddled gave this guy the best BJ of his life, I think it still boils down to the fact that she's rejecting him, and he's not used to that. I mean, if he can go pick anyone up and score, then he could keep on doing that and "testing" everyone else of their BJ capabilities. He continues to "pick" on Befuddled because she keeps turning him down. I could be wrong, but I really think it's on that level. He'll eventually go away after being told no over and over...just like a child <sigh>

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by lostforwords

Maybe..... and dont get all pissed off by this.... but just maybe... he actually sees that you can be the "dirty girl" hes suggesting you should be..... especially if he said you give mean blowjobs...... maybe he has seen your wild "dirty girl" side.... and wants to explore it more...... maybe he knows yoru not what you think you are..... you consider yourself to have morals etc... but maybe this guy sees through all of your demeanor or being a good girl.... and knows you can be a "dirty girl"... i dunno.... i cant think of any other way to describe it but that way...... dont take offense please.

 

Definitely not at all offended by your input. I suppose it's possible, but geez, just because a gal is good at giving blowjobs, that means they're seen as a dirty girl with a wild, dirty side? LOL Ironically, my ex husband, after I'd moved far away from him, would phone me up (drunk) and reminisce about the whole blowjob thing, even going so far as to reminiscing about my apparent habit of "moaning" during sex, even going so far as to stupidly asking if I'd make a "tape" of myself moaning and send it to him. Yeah, I sh*t you not. I remember at the time, feeling much the same way this guy makes me feel.........that of all I was and gave of myself as a partner and friend, of all the "facets" that make me up, of all of "me" that they got to know, that is all I'm remembered for....is a stinkin' blowjob and some moaning. I guess some women might be flattered, but I wasn't then, and I'm not now. I would much rather be remembered for my kindness or sense of humour or my intelligence or devotion or being the maker of 5-star Chili (LOL)....well, you get my drift.

 

And frankly, is there really such thing as a "bad" blowjob? I heard a guy once say that a bad blowjob beats no blowjob any day of the week.......so do I really feel complimented? No really. I'd be more inclined to think my recent ex here uses that "legacy" of mine as a way of flattering me into giving him another go. It means jack sh*t to me. He probably tells every chick how great she is.....to boost her ego and spur her on to try and impress him even more. I don't fall for that "complimentary" crap very easily LOL (far too cynical).

 

From what he told me, compared to some other exes of his, I was likely seen as very "tame" by comparison. Not into threesomes, not into anal sex, not into watching porn together, etc...and I've never apologized for my preferences or turn-offs. I know what I like and I know what I don't like and if someone doesn't mesh with what I'm into, I wish them well and happy hunting

[lostforwords]

P.S. Whether or not Befuddled gave this guy the best BJ of his life, I think it still boils down to the fact that she's rejecting him, and he's not used to that. I mean, if he can go pick anyone up and score, then he could keep on doing that and "testing" everyone else of their BJ capabilities. He continues to "pick" on Befuddled because she keeps turning him down. I could be wrong, but I really think it's on that level. He'll eventually go away after being told no over and over...just like a child <sigh>

 

i truly think its both.... good blow job as well shes turning him down..... ofcuorse hes gonna keep pushing her buttons.....

[Fedup&givingup]

Here's another twist to all of this. People like what they already know.

 

Befuddled, you mentioned that your ex would call drunk (enabling to get the nerve up) to try to get some...the compliments were the key to get you to comply (in both situations, and they were most likely very true compliments). Complimenting is the tool people use to get what they want from many situations. Look at a car sales man, for crying out loud! Point being that people will tell you what you want to hear in order to get what they want, period.

 

Going back to people going for what they already know...it's part of the fact that we are all habitual and lazy LOL. I mean, to some extent, wanting to go back to what we already know and are familiar with keeps us from having to do some serious (mental and emotional) work on finding someone else. I'm sure this comment will generate other comments...fire away! LOL Samson?

[lostforwords]

so yoru saying shes a sucker for a compliment????

[lostforwords]

HOLY CRAP I DID NOT MEAN IT THAT WAY BEFUDDLED!!!!!! lmfao!!!! i just seen that now.....