Dating a woman with lots of guy friends...

[FreeToBe]

I'm looking for a woman's perspective here (though feel free to fire-away guys)...

 

I have recently started dating a woman who makes it known (albeit all-to-often), that she talks to and hangs out with some of her guy friends.

 

The thing is, I clearly know that she wants me to be exclusive with her. Admittedly, she has NOT asked me this, but I know it is the case.

 

We have been intimate on more than one occasion, and have gone on countless dates in the past two months. Normally, I would be very receptive to an exclusive relationship under these circumstances. However, her mentioning other guys to me, is what I perceive as an act to make me jealous or 'push' me towards asking for exclusivity with her.

 

I will not date a woman who hangs out with or talks to other guys on the side (friends-wise). Please don't take that as a controlling statement; if she wants to keep her guy friends, so be it, but she will not have me. I feel it is disrespectful to me and the relationship and will not have it.

 

I know she is trying to show me her market value, but it is this very behavior that is counteractive to her ultimate goal.

 

Finally, getting to my question...

 

Do woman really feel that bringing up other guys will motivate their significant other into seeking an exclusive relationship with them? Does it really work for you?

[Nightsky]

In this day in age it helps to have friends of both genders. When I start dating a pretty girl it doesn’t surprise or bother me if she has close male friends. If the relationship becomes serious boundaries with opposite sex friends are needed. These boundaries depend on the people involved, and should be applied evenly with out double standards.

Edited January 15, 2011 by Nightsky

[Leigh 87]

I think that there are some people who cannot have friends of the opposite gender.

 

If two people are attracted to each other, and they also get along really well, there is a chance they would also have chemistry. Basically - you definitly should not be friends with a guy or girl, who you would LOVE to date. It is wrong to have out with a person who would be a great partner for you, whilst you are already taken. You cannot just be " friends " in this instance.

 

However, it is possible for people to be friends with the opposite gender, if they do not find one another to be a great peson to date; if you would love to date some one, don't be friends with them.

 

There are many great matches out there for each of us, and if you already are in a happy relationship with one of those people, DO NOT let them OR yourself, hang out with another person who would ALSO be a rgeat match for you.

 

There are plenty of people of the opposite gender who youcan be friends with, however, some people tend to not be able to do it, and the ones who CAN do it, just have to be careful that they do not get feelings for the person.

 

 

You have no way of knowing if she is the type who does interact with guys who are very attracted to her, and who she would otherwise be very attracted to ( if she did not have u in the picture).

 

If she is hanging out with guys who want to f*ck her or date her, and if she also finds those guys to be attractive, there is no way should should hang out with them. It is disrecpectful.

 

I would not like my partner or boyfriend talking to girls he would love to date.

[Kinder-Horror]

I personally don't think it helps - and I try not bring up other guys (guy friends) as much as possible during the initial stages of dating because I don't think it helps. If I were dating a guy and he was talking constantly about other girls, even if they are just friends, I wouldn't feel up to competing and would probably just walk away from the situation (and I have in the past). I am not saying a guy/girl can't have friends of the opposite sex... but constantly hanging out with them, bringing them up and/or too many of them can be annoying

 

On the other hand. Girls get their "methods" from various sources. I had a roommate who swore by the book "Why Men Love B!tches," which apparently instructs you to always demand he pay, never answer the phone the first time he calls in a day, and other things I would never do. Though she was perpetually and involuntarily single.

 

I think you are right on target: some girls like to bring up guys because it is the chase. In their head, they think they are raising their market value by showing they are in high demand.

 

Why don't you just back off a little and when she asks why, tell her that she's been extremely clear about the amount of guy friends she has and hangs out with and you aren't into it? She'll quickly learn that her idea of marketing isn't working to her advantage

[jadedone]

 

Why don't you just back off a little and when she asks why, tell her that she's been extremely clear about the amount of guy friends she has and hangs out with and you aren't into it? She'll quickly learn that her idea of marketing isn't working to her advantage

 

I agree with this.

[PegNosePete]

It could be what's called a sh*t test. She is testing your reaction. She wants you to tell her it's unacceptable, she will argue that it means nothing, and you're supposed to get into a fight. Theory being that if you fight with her, you'll fight for her. If you just accept it and let her keep talking about other guys then you're a doormat.

 

I would tell her outright that you don't want to hear about other guys and that you want to be exclusive. Have a fight if necessary, then have great make-up sex.

[dont-be-naive]

FreeToBe

 

don't waste your time with a woman that has alot of male friends, not to mention one that talks about them all the time.

 

there is a reason she has alot of male friends(the kind she hangs out with anyway), and unless they are all gay, it isn't because she likes to go clothes shopping with them.

[reservoirdog1]

I will not date a woman who hangs out with or talks to other guys on the side (friends-wise). Please don't take that as a controlling statement; if she wants to keep her guy friends, so be it, but she will not have me. I feel it is disrespectful to me and the relationship and will not have it.

Then you shouldn't bother getting into a relationship with her. Your opinion is valid, and you're entitled to it. However, her view that she can have male friends when committed to you is also valid. For your relationship to work, there are three options:

 

1. She stops talking to men or having male friends other than you.

2. You abandon your objection to her having male friends.

3. You and she find some kind of middle ground.

 

Your position sounds pretty definitive, which basically rules out 2 and 3. And, frankly, she shouldn't agree to #1. Firstly, because she will probably grow to resent you for it. Secondly, because it's incompatible with HER values.

 

You'd be best served focusing your efforts on a woman who doesn't have male friends and doesn't want them either.

[FreeToBe]

Great input all, thank you.

 

@reservoirdog1 - You are right here, but I do like this lady and enjoy her company. I wouldn't take issue with her having guy friends if she was dropping lines about them being interested in being more than friends... This is no good - if they want more. But agreed, I have to figure out what I'm willing to tolerate.

 

@ don't be - I feel this way often about it, but we get on very well and that makes walking away from the possibility of a cool gal tough...

[Cee]

It's not cool that this woman is saying her male friends are sexually interested in her. She is probably only fishing for attention, but you can call her bluff and suggest that she sever these "friendships" because these men aren't friends at all. Instead they are suitors. Explain to her that you would not hang out with women who were about trying to get you in bed.

 

My guess is she will back pedal and hopefully drop this getting you jealous thing. She needs to realize that her comments are not only insulting to you, but also to these men she considers friends.

 

This sounds like an insecure weakness on her part rather than a terrible deal breaker. Perhaps you can forgive it if she's willing to try to stop talking about them in that way. I'm a big proponent in forgiving certain things because people aren't perfect. We are muddling through the best we can.

[O'Malley]

If you intend to continue seeing her, there's nothing wrong with suggesting you meet up with some of her friends, go out for drinks, etc. Since she considers these guys buddies, she really has no excuse to not introduce them to you if a relationship progresses. They should be just as welcoming towards you as her women friends.

 

Observe the overall tone of her interaction with these guys. What's the background of their friendship? Does she socialize with these guys significant others? Women who have legitimate, platonic male pals generally would not have brought them up in conversation in that manner.

Edited January 18, 2011 by O'Malley

[dont-be-naive]

@ don't be - I feel this way often about it, but we get on very well and that makes walking away from the possibility of a cool gal tough...

 

I don't see a gal with tons of male friends who she hangs out with alone cool at all.

 

how many women out there would tolerate us guys going out and having dinner and a movie with another female "friend"?

 

don't get me wrong, I have female friends, but I don't hang out with them alone or pal around with them like I would my male friends.

unless it is as as a group, and even then its few and far between.

[denise_xo]

I'm looking for a woman's perspective here

 

Do woman really feel that bringing up other guys will motivate their significant other into seeking an exclusive relationship with them? Does it really work for you?

 

This would simply never occur to me. It's not a strategy in my register

 

I belong to those that think it's possible to have friends of the opposite gender, and I have some male friends although I am married. If they had expressed sexual interest in me, though, I wouldn't consider that a 'friendship'.

[dont-be-naive]

This would simply never occur to me. It's not a strategy in my register

 

I belong to those that think it's possible to have friends of the opposite gender, and I have some male friends although I am married. If they had expressed sexual interest in me, though, I wouldn't consider that a 'friendship'.

 

question is, do you go out with any of your male "friends" alone, like to dinner, a movie, a ballgame, etc?

[denise_xo]

question is, do you go out with any of your male "friends" alone, like to dinner, a movie, a ballgame, etc?

 

It happens very rarely. One example would be that we'd go to a public lecture, which my H can't attend because he doesn't speak the local language. We wouldn't necessarily plan to go just two people, but I (or that friend) might have sent an email to several people about the event, but the outcome being only the two of us were able to make it. My H and I have also been in an LDR for periods of time and then I would also occasionally see a male friend on a one-to-one basis over lunch or coffee to catch up.

 

Basically, it's rare, but it's not a complete no go. It works both ways. My H occasionally meets up with female friends without me, e.g. if I'm traveling with work. Not a huge feature of our social lives, but it happens.

[sally4sara]

I think its all down to how they handle it. If she really just values friendship, she won't be keen to have fake friendships with guys who just wait around for her to see them in a romantic light. And if they are wanting and waiting to date her, she knows it, she lets the guy she is dating know it and continues on with the "friendships" - well yeah, she just likes the drama and attention.

 

One of my fem friends from HS has and always has had lots of guy friends. She has lots of old friends male and female, but more guy friends than female friends. Its not weird or faked. She has had two BFs that I can remember that got bunched up about it without reason beyond "its just not right; I know how guys really are". Those two had to go because she wasn't earning the hassle they were giving her over it.

 

But what I often see over this situation is many people just don't like their SO having platonic friendships period. They don't need a reason. They start pitching a fit. No one was untoward or inappropriate. They jump straight to the fit pitching and then wonder why all they get is a bunch of "you're so insecure; you're being ridiculous". Then when they get dumped over it, they toddle off convinced they were getting cheated on and the person who dumped them just loves attention and drama. Funny, when they were the ones making drama and needing all the attention, not the person who just dumped them.

 

I gotta tell you, its highly insulting when you're not being inappropriate at all, to hear your SO tell you "you don't know how guys are; they're not really your friends". You spend years and years dating guys - but pfffft you don't know how guys are compared to someone who has dated no guys at all. And PS, you're ability to discern a person's sincerity is for crap despite having managed just fine before you met your current SO.

[denise_xo]

I gotta tell you, its highly insulting when you're not being inappropriate at all, to hear your SO tell you "you don't know how guys are; they're not really your friends". You spend years and years dating guys - but pfffft you don't know how guys are compared to someone who has dated no guys at all. And PS, you're ability to discern a person's sincerity is for crap despite having managed just fine before you met your current SO.

 

This is spot on. The false consciousness arguments get very tiring.

[dont-be-naive]

It happens very rarely. One example would be that we'd go to a public lecture, which my H can't attend because he doesn't speak the local language. We wouldn't necessarily plan to go just two people, but I (or that friend) might have sent an email to several people about the event, but the outcome being only the two of us were able to make it. My H and I have also been in an LDR for periods of time and then I would also occasionally see a male friend on a one-to-one basis over lunch or coffee to catch up.

 

Basically, it's rare, but it's not a complete no go. It works both ways. My H occasionally meets up with female friends without me, e.g. if I'm traveling with work. Not a huge feature of our social lives, but it happens.

 

but none of that, like a lecture, is anything like 2 friends would do to go out and have fun.

 

If a SO of mine met somewhere for "lecture", or something of that sort with a male friend, I wouldn't have any problem.

 

I would have a problem, however, with her going out to dinner, a movie, etc.

Its just plain odd to do those things with the opposite sex as far as I'm concerned.

[sally4sara]

but none of that, like a lecture, is anything like 2 friends would do to go out and have fun.

 

If a SO of mine met somewhere for "lecture", or something of that sort with a male friend, I wouldn't have any problem.

 

I would have a problem, however, with her going out to dinner, a movie, etc.

Its just plain odd to do those things with the opposite sex as far as I'm concerned.

 

Well I agree that the dinner and a movie thing with only one other person of the opposite gender, who is not your SO while you're in a relationship is a bit odd. I'd wonder why we couldn't ALL go. I eat. I like movies. Lets ALL go.

But when my husband (then BF) and I were LDR at one point, I did go grab some food and check out a movie now and then with friends. The gender of the friend was not a factor - not in establishing the friendship or the activities we enjoyed. Most of the time it was a group activity, but I can think of one time where it was just I and another male friend. It wasn't a big deal.

 

I think the weirdness of these social situations is often born in new platonic friendships. I avoid doing "date-ish" activities with new male friends until they have established a good rapport with my SO. I think it helps them to not misjudge my interest in them.

[hidayna]

Let me give you the perspective of a woman-- no woman wants to be with a guy who will flat out tell them that they will not tolerate her being platonic friends with another man. I'm a woman, and I have dated men while being friends with other men. And guess what, the man I was with was the one I wanted, I didn't think anything of my guy friends that I had no chemistry with. It seems like you have trust issues... Have you ever been friends with a girl whom you did not seek anything more than a platonic friendship? If your answer is yes, then maybe you should consider being less controlling over your significant other's social life because you're living proof that your standards are ridiculous. And if your answer is no, then you should try being friends with women and just that. Then you will realize that platonic friendships between men and women can and do exist, you just have to trust.

[FryFish]

Have you ever been friends with a girl whom you did not seek anything more than a platonic friendship?

No. Not unless it was due entirely to proximity.. ie work/school or something.

 

And if your answer is no, then you should try being friends with women and just that.

Why would I waste time with a girl I dont want to bang?

Then you will realize that platonic friendships between men and women can and do exist, you just have to trust.

lol... There are extenuating life circumstances that can force a straight male to be platonic friends with a girl but 99% of the time he is there because he hopes to bang her. Its hard wired into us... Its also been my experience 100 % of the time.

[carhill]

OP, any of these 'friends' ex'es or former sexual partners?

 

Also, are they friends of the relationship, meaning that they interact with you too?

 

If you're not 'exclusive', especially if both of you have the perspective of polyamory, meaning you or she have sex with multiple partners simultaneously, it's unknown what exactly her friends are to her unless you have clear communication about it.

 

My boundary would be that cross-gender (assuming everyone is hetero) friends would have to be friends of the relationship and not former sexual partners or ex'es, with co-parents being the exception. YMMV.

[richbad08]

I know girls that are close to me who have more guy friends then girlfriends. Its common but at the same time they need to know when they shouldn't bring someone up if they are into to you and just know there boundaries.

 

Its crazy because some girls could play you and you really wouldn't know. How I know this because one of my bestfriends who is a girl told me about being friends with her ex and still had random dates and sex but she had no feelings for him what so ever.She really isn't cold hearted even though it sounds like it but she straight out told me if she felt lonely or wanted sex she would call him because he would come by easily.

 

Anyway If she really cared about you she would make effort to be with you and only you. Of course once in awhile she would say hi to one her friends but she has to know when to stop to.

[ComputerJock]

If you feel uncomfortable being with a girl who has a lot of male friends mabye it's because you have doubts about your own place in the relationship. You sound young, so why hang around, there are a lot of women out there who would value you as a boy friend and don't see the need for a lot of MALE friends. I would tell you from my own experience that friendship sometimes turns into romance and a lot of people get hurt. I would hit the road for greener pastures. IMHO the less stress you have in a relationship, the better the relationship.

[Mme. Chaucer]

 

 

I will not date a woman who hangs out with or talks to other guys on the side (friends-wise). Please don't take that as a controlling statement; if she wants to keep her guy friends, so be it, but she will not have me. I feel it is disrespectful to me and the relationship and will not have it.

 

Not to be nit-picky, but you ARE dating her ... a lot, and sleeping with her. So you're way overdue for your talk about your stance on her male friends.

 

I know she is trying to show me her market value, but it is this very behavior that is counteractive to her ultimate goal.

 

Finally, getting to my question...

 

Do woman really feel that bringing up other guys will motivate their significant other into seeking an exclusive relationship with them? Does it really work for you?

 

I think that would be a stupid game, though when I was very young I probably was guilty of playing it.

 

You have not said what YOUR ultimate goal is. Do you want to have an exclusive and serious relationship with this girl? If you do, then you'll need to talk about what's going on.

 

If her friendships with men are real friendships, then I believe you would be perceived as insecure and controlling if you required her to sever them.

 

If she is just using these guys to try to manipulate you ... you either need to have an open discussion about that behavior and get it stopped, or realize that she is not the girl for you.