Dating a woman with lots of guy friends...

[rachel7475]

Some girls just don't get along with other girls, but get along great with guys. That's how I am when I'm single, but when I am with someone exclusively I don't hang out with my guy friends out of respect. I wouldn't want my man hanging out with a bunch of girls.

[Billy_Boy]

I used to have strong feelings on this and in some cases I STILL do... but my gf deflated the the air from many of those feelings by understanding I dont like it, but that I recognize that my fears are irrational.

 

She also doesnt give me grief for having female friends, especially ones that are interested in me, because she trusts me. For example, I go running with a female friend, who has had a crush on me in the past, and my tattoo artist, is continuing my sleeve, my tat artist is

 

A. female

B. someone I used to have sex with

 

when I saw the trust she put into me for that, I felt like a jerk for feeling like I couldnt trust her... so... I am trying to get my feelings to where my brain is.

[sally4sara]

Some girls just don't get along with other girls, but get along great with guys. That's how I am when I'm single, but when I am with someone exclusively I don't hang out with my guy friends out of respect. I wouldn't want my man hanging out with a bunch of girls.

 

While I'm sure there are some women who don't fit this, most of the women I've known who didn't get along with other women had reasons that were not relevant to genuine friendships with men.

A heavy need to be center of attention.

Unable to be polite to the GFs/wives of their male friends.

Doubts about their own worth making them uncomfortable around other women due to feeling in competition.

BF type perks without reciprocal obligation.

 

None of that goes away simply be having predominantly male friends. It just makes it easier for them to not deal with their insecurities.

[lenny]

I wouldn't take issue with her having guy friends if she was dropping lines about them being interested in being more than friends... This is no good - if they want more.

 

Until I saw this addition to the situation I was really against your control freak attitude as most of my closest friends are male and that would be the day I'd have someone dictate to me who I could talk to. Men and woman can be friends without any sexual tension involved.

 

Being that I am a female with close male friendships I can tell you in all honesty that if any of them expressed wanting to hook up with me, they wouldn't be in the friend catagory, they'd be in the ego boost catagory - and I'd feel very uncomfortable hanging around them if I didn't want to encourage their feelings.

 

I don't think it's appropriate at all for her to be dropping lines about her desirability to others and I think you could tactfully tell her so without being the control freak.

[FryFish]

Men and woman can be friends without any sexual tension involved.

Women can be friends with men without feeling any sexual tension... But its NOT a two way street. I promise.

 

Being that I am a female with close male friendships I can tell you in all honesty that if any of them expressed wanting to hook up with me, they wouldn't be in the friend catagory, they'd be in the ego boost catagory - and I'd feel very uncomfortable hanging around them if I didn't want to encourage their feelings.

Just because they dont express it doesnt mean they dont have it... If you are attractive at all then I promise you your male friends want to bang you.

[denise_xo]

Women can be friends with men without feeling any sexual tension... But its NOT a two way street. I promise.

 

Just because they dont express it doesnt mean they dont have it... If you are attractive at all then I promise you your male friends want to bang you.

 

That's the whole false consciousness crap that s4s was referring to above. It's getting old *yawn*

[amerikajin]

I once dated a girl who was super hot and had lots of guy friends that she hung out with. I accepted it but I was never completely comfortable with it, and I don't think that I ever could be. I don't think I would mind it too terribly if my partner went out to lunch with an old college friend or something like that, but having a dude over for dinner or going out to a movie together just blurs lines. Some might argue that they shouldn't be blurred and that men and women really can be 'just friends' -- maybe they can, but again the lines are not always clear. People have feelings. People have feelings of attraction. People tend to act on those feelings at some point, if given enough time.

 

It's not just about whether you trust your partner; it's also about whether you trust who she's with. If I knew that she was just hanging out with other guys and not looking for anything more, it would make me really uncomfortable knowing that even one of those guys is thinking of making a move on her. And if someone actually did make a move on her, then I would be extremely unnerved. And at that point, one must seriously ask, why would any man be okay with letting a woman hang out with dudes knowing that she's going to be hit on? Even if she's a woman of virtue and self-control, the situation is going to be dicey at best.

 

I think the best rule of thumb is to prevent this kind of situation in the first place. There should be no problem with a girlfriend being around a guy, but it should avoid any possibility of romantic involvement. It should be with a group of people, preferably in the daytime, and if it's at night, come home before it's too late. And I would also feel much more comfortable knowing that, at least once in a while, I'm invited to join them.

[sally4sara]

I once dated a girl who was super hot and had lots of guy friends that she hung out with. I accepted it but I was never completely comfortable with it, and I don't think that I ever could be. I don't think I would mind it too terribly if my partner went out to lunch with an old college friend or something like that, but having a dude over for dinner or going out to a movie together just blurs lines. Some might argue that they shouldn't be blurred and that men and women really can be 'just friends' -- maybe they can, but again the lines are not always clear. People have feelings. People have feelings of attraction. People tend to act on those feelings at some point, if given enough time.

 

You're reasoning the potential actions of others without recognizing that while maybe you can't keep those lines from blurring - not everyone is YOU. To me, those lines CAN'T blur. There is the man I'm romantically involved with and the people I associate with that I'm not romantically involved with. What is there to get confused about? The people who can't manage platonic friendships don't get confused and forget who they're dating/married to; accidental cheating doesn't exist. They know quite well and choose to cheat regardless. Not because they had a platonic friendship, but because they lack integrity. Platonic friendship or no - they were going to find someone to cheat with.

 

It's not just about whether you trust your partner; it's also about whether you trust who she's with. If I knew that she was just hanging out with other guys and not looking for anything more, it would make me really uncomfortable knowing that even one of those guys is thinking of making a move on her.

 

You trust her but not them? That is such a BS excuse unless you're suggesting that he'd rape your GF/wife. Worried about what he is thinking? I think about robbing a bank sometimes or black masking one of my old bosses. It doesn't mean I'm going to do it. You can't police the musings of other people. At any given moment while your GF/wife is out in public, people who see her (whether they know her or not) are probably thinking about her desirable attributes. But you're only guessing whats going through their head because its what would be going through YOUR head. You're evaluating others as though they are just like you. That's not fair, its not fact, and it says more about your character than anyone else - yet you place the judgment on someone who has done nothing to cross you. All I'm getting out of this post is that YOU could not be friends with a woman without thinking about her in a sexual light. Are YOU someone a woman's SO shouldn't tolerate?

 

And if someone actually did make a move on her, then I would be extremely unnerved. And at that point, one must seriously ask, why would any man be okay with letting a woman hang out with dudes knowing that she's going to be hit on? Even if she's a woman of virtue and self-control, the situation is going to be dicey at best.

 

This is where you get more reasonable. If some friend of hers did make a move, you'd have all the reason in the world to want them gone. They've stepped on your toes, sought to gain your position. When you're in a committed relationship, you don't have to be friends with all the same people but your friends DO have to be a friend to the relationship you're having and friends of the relationship wouldn't seek an end to it. Making a move wouldn't be done out of confusion - it would be showing their ass in a very obvious way.

[hidayna]

Well obviously my advice doesn't apply to man whores. Have fun being nothing but a womanizing, sex driven, more-than-cliche douche bag.

[Lovegood]

 

I will not date a woman who hangs out with or talks to other guys on the side (friends-wise). Please don't take that as a controlling statement; if she wants to keep her guy friends, so be it, but she will not have me. I feel it is disrespectful to me and the relationship and will not have it.

 

I know she is trying to show me her market value, but it is this very behavior that is counteractive to her ultimate goal.

 

Finally, getting to my question...

 

Do woman really feel that bringing up other guys will motivate their significant other into seeking an exclusive relationship with them? Does it really work for you?

 

You have every right to be uncomfortable with her statements, but this is a new relationship - what gives you priority over her old male friends? Surely not ALL of them want to do her.

 

The whole thing about not wanting to be with a woman who has male friends is a little ridiculous. What about totally platonic friendships that have lasted years? If I was in a new relationship and a guy told me to ditch my friends, I'd give him the old heave ho. For the record I have a large group of male friends who I hang out with on a group basis, and my best friend is a male (we hang out alone all the time), totally platonic and my husband sees it as such.

 

That's my belief for this situation in general. However the fact that she's using these male friends in an attempt to seem more desirable for you is just juvenile. I don't think this is the girl for you.

[amerikajin]

You're reasoning the potential actions of others without recognizing that while maybe you can't keep those lines from blurring - not everyone is YOU. To me, those lines CAN'T blur. There is the man I'm romantically involved with and the people I associate with that I'm not romantically involved with. What is there to get confused about? The people who can't manage platonic friendships don't get confused and forget who they're dating/married to; accidental cheating doesn't exist. They know quite well and choose to cheat regardless. Not because they had a platonic friendship, but because they lack integrity. Platonic friendship or no - they were going to find someone to cheat with.

 

At the outset, I want to say that I realize that nothing I am saying here is really scientific or empirical; it's strictly based on my own experience and observations, and perhaps whatever else I've read and heard about from others.

 

But my own experience is what shapes my own viewpoint on this subject, and my experience tells me that normal heterosexual guys who hang out with hot looking women are probably, on some level, attracted to them. The question is merely a matter of whether someone has self-control, of whether the guy(s) in question respect the fact that their female 'friend' is in a relationship. In a lot of cases, they could be (and I would say many are) probably just waiting for the right moment; they're looking for an opening. Again, we're talking about normal, heterosexual men hanging with reasonably attractive female 'friends' of theirs. I think it's just a numbers game: a guy goes out to a movie here, a dinner there, another group encounter after that...maybe a little alcohol's involved...and then the guy 'forgets' the boundaries. If her boyfriend's picked the right partner, the female doesn't forget and the evening ends as just an awkward advance that ended up going nowhere. If the boyfriend picked someone who, in an instant, acts on an impulse and even just briefly gives in to the moment, then it jeopardizes the relationship. Doesn't even have to end in a full-on make-out session. Just a kiss under the influence of alcohol presumably violates the covenant, the understanding that two people have going forward in a relationship.

 

Referring to the ex I spoke of before, she did not cheat on me as far as I know, and to her credit, she rebuffed those who made advances on her. But there was at least one instance in which a guy (whom I met) made a move on her while he was having dinner at her place one night. Fortunately, his move was verbal; he just opened up and confessed to her that he had feelings and that he wanted to see where they stood. My ex was lucky that she accepted it, but who knows, he could have been a real ass about it. Sure, he could have raped her -- and he wouldn't have even had to do it physically. There's such a thing as psychological rape as well. He could have claimed to have been misled, after all they hung out alone together and had deep talks and everything. Essentially, they were spending time together alone, but not f*cking. The guy got confused, and to be honest, I can't entirely blame him, because not everyone understands whether someone is being just a friend, or whether they want something more than that. So I'll turn it around back on you now: you, as one member of the female population, might think you know where the lines are, but don't assume that the male buddies of yours have the same understanding. You can say that a guy should trust you -- and I agree that they should. But that doesn't mean that they have to approve of or respond favorably to your social habituation.

 

You trust her but not them? That is such a BS excuse unless you're suggesting that he'd rape your GF/wife. Worried about what he is thinking? I think about robbing a bank sometimes or black masking one of my old bosses. It doesn't mean I'm going to do it. You can't police the musings of other people.

 

First of all, I guess what I meant was that I trusted her not to initiate in that situation. I trusted her to enter the situation with platonic thoughts, but how many times have we read about or heard about situations in which people allowed themselves to be in situations where an impulsive decision could lead to regrets later? Did I spend all of my conscious moments fearing the worst? No, I did not, but the thought crossed my mind, 'What if she has a bit too much to drink and what if she's secretly, on some level, attracted to him, and for a moment, acts upon that attraction? Mistakes do happen, and thing is, I would see it as that, a mistake, but I wouldn't be able to excuse it, and I wouldn't be able to see the relationship ever the same again. I decided I was not comfortable tossing these ideas around in my head. I decided that it was better for me to have a woman who would make boundaries very clear.

 

You have me all wrong. It's not about controlling others; it's about having peace of mind, having expectations, and letting my partner know what those expectations are. I am not out to police the musings of people, nor do I advocate the others do as such. Rather, I would suggest that a man (or woman) decide for himself, based on the common sense findings of human observation, what is and what isn't an appropriate social distance for a partner and other male counterparts (i.e. 'friends'). I am sure you would point out that if my partner wants to have an affair, she damn well could and i wouldn't be able to stop it -- and you'd be right. But relationships can be disrupted in different ways, both internally and externally. If things get screwed from the inside, that's my problem, our problem. But I am not going to sit back and just let someone come into my commitment and f*ck it up, and I expect my partner to understand that. I will have something to say about this -- always. I have no problem with my wife (or if I were single, my girlfriend) being around guys or having guy friends, but the context is going to be manipulated somewhat, and I don't apologize for that. Maybe I'm a bit old fashioned, but I am satisfied with my approach, let's just say.

[FryFish]

What about totally platonic friendships that have lasted years?

They dont exist unless in the situation of coparenting or something. Sorry, its true.

 

For the record I have a large group of male friends who I hang out with on a group basis, and my best friend is a male (we hang out alone all the time), totally platonic and my husband sees it as such.

Your best friend wants to bang you... unless he is gay.

 

Im sorry girls, but you simply dont understand your guy friends the way you think you do. And its funny because we are pretty ****ing simple. Guys exist for one reason and live for maybe two or three... Its a biology thing that every girl a guy meets is immediately rated on the "would do/ wouldnt do" scale. If your guy "friend" puts any effort into keeping contact with you its because life forces him to or because you were judged as "would do"... That doesnt mean that he will risk this or that to have sex with you at the drop of a hat, but it does mean that he keeps you around in case the circumstances are ever just right.

[amerikajin]

They dont exist unless in the situation of coparenting or something. Sorry, its true.

 

Your best friend wants to bang you... unless he is gay.

 

Im sorry girls, but you simply dont understand your guy friends the way you think you do. And its funny because we are pretty ****ing simple. Guys exist for one reason and live for maybe two or three... Its a biology thing that every girl a guy meets is immediately rated on the "would do/ wouldnt do" scale. If your guy "friend" puts any effort into keeping contact with you its because life forces him to or because you were judged as "would do"... That doesnt mean that he will risk this or that to have sex with you at the drop of a hat, but it does mean that he keeps you around in case the circumstances are ever just right.

 

I agree with at least some of the above. I won't say that every guy is going to make a move. Maybe the majority of guys in that situation don't cross the line...but what if 1 in 4 does? And what if you're hanging out with ten guy 'friends'? What if she's really social and she has 15 or 20 guy friends that she hangs out with over the course of a few months? That's several guys who are going to put the moves on her. Look, maybe the guy is super confident and not worried about it -- that's cool. But I'm of the opinion that it's a numbers game. Eventually, the odds will catch up.

[FryFish]

Its definitely a numbers game and that is why you keep girl "friends" around.

[sally4sara]

They dont exist unless in the situation of coparenting or something. Sorry, its true.

 

Your best friend wants to bang you... unless he is gay.

 

Im sorry girls, but you simply dont understand your guy friends the way you think you do. And its funny because we are pretty ****ing simple. Guys exist for one reason and live for maybe two or three... Its a biology thing that every girl a guy meets is immediately rated on the "would do/ wouldnt do" scale. If your guy "friend" puts any effort into keeping contact with you its because life forces him to or because you were judged as "would do"... That doesnt mean that he will risk this or that to have sex with you at the drop of a hat, but it does mean that he keeps you around in case the circumstances are ever just right.

 

And you've gleaned this from your many years of dating and having romantic relationships with men yes?

So fella, unless you're dating men, experience LTRs with men - you don't know them they way women do. You only know how YOU are and the impression you get from locker room bravado. I can tell you for sure, the effort and behaviors of my long standing male friends are quite different from the effort and behaviors men who were romantically interested in me showed. And from only hearing a guy friend's phone conversations without hearing what the woman he is talking to is saying - I can tell if she is someone he is interested in sexually or not.

Platonic friendships are much more like the kind of relationship you'd have with your sister or, for women, a brother. You enjoy sharing a laugh or a common interest. You might be able to recognize your sister as an attractive female, but you're not plotting and planning on getting her in the sack. And if you're in a relationship already and not wanting to end it - what does it matter how attractive someone else is? What does it matter if someone else finds you attractive?

 

The twisting and worrying about what might happen if your SO has a platonic friendship is futile. If a person is going to cheat, they don't have to have a platonic friendship established first to do it.

And I don't put any stock into the "whoopsie I drank too much" excuse either. When you leave your house or invite people over to socialize and consume alcohol, you're making a conscious choice in putting yourself in that situation. If you believe you might turn weak under the influence - you have the power to choose to not drink to that level the same way you do in recognizing it wouldn't be cool to show up to work drunk. I don't know why some people struggle to see that, but its clear from some of the stories on here that people do struggle with this sometimes. But I've gotten stinking drunk around male friends and I've never had that "whoops I cheated" moment even during my awful first marriage. I suspect people sometimes use alcohol to excuse impulses the knew they wanted to act on even when they were sober. I know my ex husband sure did and he never even had any platonic female friends beyond who was dating or married to one of his buddies.

If you take on a relationship and hold someone's heart and hopes - you're responsible for protecting it. If that means you limit your consumption levels when you drink socially, so be it. This after the fact "whoops!" **** speaks to people's character more than the dangers of platonic friendships.

 

And I'm completely unfamiliar with the term "psychological rape" WTF? I'd love to hear more about this.

[carhill]

Dating is a great process to get to know someone and decide, if a LTR or marriage is the ultimate path, whether that person's character, lifestyle, associations and perspectives match up in a compatible way.

 

Since the OP hasn't returned to answer my questions, I'm unable to comment further. Hope they resolve things

[FryFish]

And you've gleaned this from your many years of dating and having romantic relationships with men yes?

Actually from being a man and from honest man talk... the kind of talk our female "friends" arent privy to.

 

So fella, unless you're dating men, experience LTRs with men - you don't know them they way women do.

I know, I have a far BETTER understanding than any woman ever could... Get over it.

 

I can tell you for sure, the effort and behaviors of my long standing male friends are quite different from the effort and behaviors men who were romantically interested in me showed.

Thats laughable. You can see the difference in effort between men that are actively showing you interest and those that are just waiting for the moment. But rest assured, if they arent actively showing you their romantic interest they are just waiting for the right time... which may never come.

 

 

Platonic friendships are much more like the kind of relationship you'd have with your sister or, for women, a brother. You enjoy sharing a laugh or a common interest. You might be able to recognize your sister as an attractive female, but you're not plotting and planning on getting her in the sack.

You know when you see brother/sister siblings that hang out a lot as adults it strikes you and everyone around you as odd... The reason for this odd feeling is because guys dont keep female friends around that they dont want to bang. So, male/female siblings that do much more than family get togethers as adults sets off the "are they ****ing each other" vibe.

 

And if you're in a relationship already and not wanting to end it - what does it matter how attractive someone else is? What does it matter if someone else finds you attractive?

Its a numbers game. You keep them around as a plan B... Think about it: when is the best time for that male "friend" to strike so to speak... when the girl calls him crying about how her SO is a dick for this or that... She sees him as a safe sounding board... He sees her as an opportunity.

 

The twisting and worrying about what might happen if your SO has a platonic friendship is futile. If a person is going to cheat, they don't have to have a platonic friendship established first to do it.

Ok... There ARE differences between the sexes s4s... One of them being just how much easier it is for a woman to get laid than it is for a man. Women just need to turn one less person down to get laid. Men have to work their asses off! That is why we keep female "friends" around... It really is just a numbers game.

 

The rest of your post I agree with... but that doesnt mean its on topic.

[sally4sara]

Thats laughable. You can see the difference in effort between men that are actively showing you interest and those that are just waiting for the moment. But rest assured, if they arent actively showing you their romantic interest they are just waiting for the right time... which may never come.

 

 

You know when you see brother/sister siblings that hang out a lot as adults it strikes you and everyone around you as odd... The reason for this odd feeling is because guys dont keep female friends around that they dont want to bang. So, male/female siblings that do much more than family get togethers as adults sets off the "are they ****ing each other" vibe.

 

Funny, I know siblings that are friendly and hang out socially - never found it odd. Never heard anyone else say "wow that's odd". Maybe its just you and people with your views? That would make sense. If you even find brother/sister friendships as odd it is probably an influence to your believe that men are never real friends with women.

 

And you're missing out on some seriously enriching experiences by being so obsessed with the attainment of sex that you can't enjoy an individual, their perspective and share in their experiences, if they are female. We can learn from each other despite the difference of gender. You don't get it yet, but maybe one day you will and you'll remember how you use to think about platonic friendships and chuckle.

 

Some of us don't have good relationships in our family and feed that void by building a handpicked one of people we come across that we find an appreciation and respect for. There are men and women in my life and my husband's life that we consider family and sex is just not a part of it at all. If any of them are waiting for their moment, they've been waiting a long ass time, not reaching their goal and putting in true friend effort the whole while.

[tigerhudz]

Do not accept that women has male friends. Be suspicious as hell about it. You are right to be.

 

My fiancée has male friends and she has been texting both of them and deleting only those texts to and from them. I have had very quick peeks when she has gone to the toilet and have seen messages such as "nite nite xxx" "good morning xxx" "ok hun... can we still be friends?" "i understand, I dont want to cause any bad feelings between you and you fella" etc etc

 

I had to borrow her phone when my car broke down, and she sent several texts. one to her female friend saying i had her phone and no otheres... according to the sents.

 

I recieved a message back from a guy called Anth saying "OK xxx". I deleted this text so she didnt know i had it. There were no other messages from this guy all day in the sents, so why text back "ok xxx"

 

She went out on new year and i text her at about 1am saying are you coming home, as she said she was going to a party at her friends house. She said she was staying out.

 

on new years day i drove to her friends house and parked outside. I text her saying "do you want picking up?" she said no and i had just woken her up and a taxi was coming. I waited for 30 mins till i got a text saying she was at home. She did not leave the house where she said she was staying.

 

the next day i saw 40 messages from Anth, but didnt have time to read any.... then they were all deleted. I have since discovered that another guy called Robert has been texing her.... and they are being deleted.

 

Tonight she had bought some cream for a vaginal infection saying it was thrush, but was quick to say it cant be an std cos ive only been with you, unless i get it off a toilet seat.

 

Pre-defence tactics, look out for that one lads.

 

***if you girl uses the toilet seat line it is very very very unlikely to catch it like that.

 

The virus cant survive out the body long. if it does it has to be in water or it dies instantly. (when have you ever known a girl to sit on a wet toilet seat?).... and finally it has to enter the vaginal tract or open cut to infect. If they say anything else THEY ARE LYING!!! ok lads?

 

If it is not thrush and it comes back as an STD she is going to lose everything, cos I'm going to throw all the evidence i have gathered right at her and catch her out.

 

By by secure future, by by her sons education, by by lifts to work, by by reputation, by by one of the most hard working and loving men she will ever meet.

 

if you read this, then thanks.

[tigerhudz]

Oh yes and I will be smashing the lads faces in with gorilla like ferocity.

[tigerhudz]

Oh and I have seen message from her friends (and supposedly mine) saying things like "are you going to see him again" etc.

 

The only reason I have not left her is because of her son J who is having his 16th Birthday very soon. I love him so much that it would really burn me to have to leave him and move on, as his father was a druggy criminal who did'nt see him for 8 years.

 

My fiancee has put me in an impossible position, I'm in a huge amount of pain and torment regarding her son and have been sitting on it for 5 weeks.

 

This is what cheating does to people..... this is why I don't and never would cheat on anybody.

 

I love my step-son with every inch of my soul and love my fiancee just the same, but I will not love a cheater no matter how hard it is to leave her.

 

I'm really hurting, but I've been through worse **** in my life

[rauno]

I keep away from that kind of women. All that they want is fun. Unfortunately such kind of woman are too much..

[FryFish]

tiger... your bitch is ****ing other guys... You need to drop her and her son.

[Leviia]

And most of these replies I am reading here is why I never want to date ever again lol. I have guy friends .. granted I don't go out with them except to see a movie occasionally but they are never in my house alone with me and I don't really go anywhere with them alone either ...

 

So everyone of my guy friends just wants to keep me around so if something doesn't work out for them they can use me as 2nds?? I'm so totally hurt and depressed that I don't have any real friends ......

[FryFish]

So everyone of my guy friends just wants to keep me around so if something doesn't work out for them they can use me as 2nds?? I'm so totally hurt and depressed that I don't have any real friends ......

You dont have any real GUY friends... Unless they are gay. And they keep you around in case something doesnt work out for YOU and you need a dick to lean on... err a shoulder to cry on....