Is there anything wrong with a man waiting longer than a year to propose?

[MarilynBardot]

This is my first post in this forum SO glad I found it. I wanted to get some opinions on this topic. There is a T.V. show I watch for pure entertainment value that I totally love. The woman claims to be a relationship expert. She states that if a man doesn't put a ring on the womans finger between six months and a year of being together that A: he is a commitment phobe or B: He truly doesn't believe the woman is the one. I am truly not that easily influenced, but she can be pretty convincing!

 

I have been with my guy for just over a year. We talk about the future and we are so excited to build our lives together. My BF has always been a slow mover. He doesn't believe in rushing (which I respect), but almost has an idealistic perspective on our relationship. I can be impulsive so this has been a great balance for me and quite the learning experience. He specifically tells me I am his future wife and the love of his life. You must wonder why I am even bringing this up, but is there anything wrong with a man taking longer than 6 mos to a year to propose? Does that mean there is any reason I should believe that what he promises is not going to happen?

 

Just want to point out he has never done anything to break my trust. He is very honest. Just a free spirited, go-with-the-flow, happy-go-lucky man, who never stresses, and is the opposite of controlling,

 

Thoughts?

[xpaperxcutx]

If a man needs convincing to propose, then he's not someone who wants to marry you. I also don't believe marriage needs a time limit.

 

If your bf's behavior is consistent and he doesn't shy away from discussing about future plans, I do think the both of you are heading in the right direction of heading down the marriage path.

 

The question is, do you feel like you're in a hurry to get married or to be proposed to? How are the two of you in terms of career path?

 

A guy proposes when he's ready to settle down.

[Stung]

I can't tell you if your boyfriend is going to propose, but that woman/show sounds utterly ridiculous.

 

Marriage is a big deal, a lifetime commitment, a legal binding and merging of fortunes. It's not about big weddings or fancy proposals and getting to show off your ring, although hey, those can be fun too. Marriage is about working hard as a partnership to create a future, support through hard times, and growing old together.

 

Personally I don't believe most people can know enough about someone to commit to them on that level in only six months. Humans are complicated and layered.

 

I know exactly TWO couples where the guy proposed after only six months/before one year, and everybody else I know thought they were crazy. Rumors flew around that one of the brides was just desperate to be married. Everybody found out later that the other groom had been married five times before, already. Both couples are divorced now. Make of that what you will.

 

Most couples I know, including myself and my husband, married after dating/living together for at least two, three, or four years. Many took a few years longer than that. My husband asked me to move in with him after we'd been dating seriously for only six months, and we both thought that was rushing things a little bit but we were feeling reckless .

[MarilynBardot]

Thank for your thoughts, both of you No, I am not in a rush to get married. I am a single mom and have already been a wife. My ex husband and I just weren't the right fit for one another. I never had a proposal or a white wedding dress. We did it because we felt my daughter deserved it only to realize just how wrong we were.

 

When I met my BF we really just felt like we "knew". So cheesy, trust me I know, but we felt it. We took things very slow and didn't even say anything close to I love you for closing in on one year. Now we are trying to figure out our finances and get our careers rolling in an effor to get a place together. So the answer to the question regarding finances is:

 

We both have our college degrees, I am working on my masters. I am a branch manager of a bank, but he has already reached the highest level in his workplace before he can become a pharmacist, so in a sense he's hit a dead end and looking for his career. I know its important for a man to feel like he can support a woman (let alone a child) before he truly is able to settle down.

 

And yes, the woman is surely nuts. Its just unrealistic, unless two people are in totally ideal situations. Even then, I would think it would be a lust situation and not necessarily love.

 

My BF has given me little to lose sleep over in the past year and a half. I only worry because my daughter and him are incredibly close and as her mother, I want to protect her from hurt more than myself.

Edited January 15, 2011 by MarilynBardot

[allina]

I think that 6 months to a year is a ridicules "deadline." The woman who made the statement is misguided. I understand being suspicious if after 5 years and countless marriage talks a man won't propose, but a year? That's crazy.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

Lol YES! I watched that episode too haha. Love Patti. (In fact, I happened to be watching it with my boyfriend-recently-turned-fiance who waited a lot longer than one year to propose )

 

I agree with most of her relationship views, but that one in particular I don't think is very fair. Six months is a really short time to know someone. Not long enough for you to really know the person, and especially not your family/friends to know them. You can't base the next 30-60 years off of six months of infatuation. Relationships need time to grow and mature.

[MarilynBardot]

Haha, yes Patti it is!! It's my favorite show and I actually love her, but in this case, I do think she is being a bit critical in her timeline. I really didn't believe that there should be this unrealistic deadline. I was thinking, "gosh I feel like everything is going great and we are truly developing a strong love and connection, so could it really be a red flag that I am ringless?!" I hoped not! And really, I am confident enough in my relationship to know that a ring on my finger doesn't change anything! So glad to hear everyones positive thoughts. Im not too far from thirty and either is he, so I am hoping that the day will come within the next couple of years, but I am not going to push the topic. He will do it when he feels we are both totally ready...it's something he is actually quite good at! Impulsive people like me need careful people like him

[MarilynBardot]

Oh and congrats on you recent proposal That's exciting!

[Mad Max]

A year is not a long time at all. I know people that have been dating 3+ years and still no proposal. Marriage is a big deal. A year is a long time, but at the same time it's not. You really don't know everything about a person after only one year.

[MarilynBardot]

I agree with you completely. I can sleep easy now without Patti's voice running through my head! Now I remember why I didn't watch T.V. for years! Drama Drama. Life is not a t.v. show...its better.

[carhill]

Interesting that his words say 'you're the love of my life and my future wife' and I didn't read any significant matching actions to support them. Of course, he's having sex with you and getting to know you and hopefully having significant emotional intimacy with you, as normal in human relations of the romantic sort, but where are the actions to match up with the words? He could have all those things without ever mentioning the phrase 'future wife'. How does that fit in?

 

IMO, going with the flow is a healthy aspect of one's personality, as it allows one to accept things which life brings them; another healthy aspect is direction and proactive *action* to achieve what one wants out of life.

 

To me, 'future wife' means engagement of a duration equitable to both partners to 'figure out' the details of what will make for a healthy marriage. That would include PMC, merging of finances through a pre-nuptial agreement and the blending of families. This period doesn't have to be of a determinate length and it can end if the parties find irreconcilable incompatibilities. Regardless, it is *progress* to being *married*, if that is what one really *means* by saying the words 'future wife'.

 

IMO, if you're in contact every day, having sex regularly and spend a lot of time with each other and have bonded emotionally, a year is plenty of time, especially in light of ' we really just felt like we "knew". So cheesy, trust me I know, but we felt it.'

 

I'm trying to imagine bonding with someone in that way and with such depth and refraining from expressing my love for them in words for nearly a year. It is indeed an interesting world.

 

Well, you have one, formerly married, old-fart's opinion. It looks like it runs counter to conventional LS wisdom so take it for what it's worth. Best wishes and welcome to LS

[MarilynBardot]

Well thank you Happy to be here and get some real life advice. Plus, I welcome the interaction. My life is filled with responsibilities so this is a welcomed getaway for me.

 

I appreciate the old fart advice as you put it I didn't go into a whole lot of detail about my BF as I didn't want to bore you all, but I will tell you he does act on it. I am working through some insecurities that stem from my past relationship, my marriage. I was verbally abused and treated poorly. My BF has been incredibly patient as I worked through them because he knew what how special what we have is and how great it would become. He acts on it in many ways. He is taking me to Hawaii in two weeks for a week vacation. He knew I needed it and so did we. He is in a wedding in February and unfortunately got sucked into the bachelor party this weekend. In Vegas as we speak. I respect man time so avoid contacting him, but he has been nothing but loving and communicative since he left. Ive never felt I could trust someone until him...its a nice feeling I actually was talking to our mutual friend last night. When he picked up her BF for the Vegas festivities, he was talking with her about marriage and how he intends on being married to me with a bun in the oven within the next two years. I didn't hear this until this morning, but its nothing he hasn't shared with me previously. So...the moral to the story is...I was being easily influenced by a silly T.V. show! The only thing that has been bothering me is the lack of urgency to get his career going so we can get a place of our own. That is really my only gripe. We both make decent money, but on the West Coast, decent doesn't get you more than an apartment. :/

[Duckduckgoose]

Apartment > Cardboard box

[MarilynBardot]

Well I live in a house w my parents and he lives in a house w his grandma. I still agree that apartment together > houses seperate with family that we are too damn old to be living with!

 

I agree w u!

[aerogurl87]

I love that show, lol, I've gotten my boyfriend to start watching it even now. I don't think that if a man doesn't propose after a year that he won't ever marry you. But I also think after a year he should have some idea, if not definite, about if he wants to marry you or not. A man who says "I don't know after a year of dating exclusively more than likely won't marry you. The reasons may vary, but the truth is the same. If he doesn't know what he wants after a year of exclusivity then more than likely you won't ever be walking down the aisle towards him.

[sunshinegirl]

Some great comments on this thread - carhill and aerogirl87 especially.

 

I love Patti - I Tivo her show, and a friend of mine writes the recaps for TVgasm. What a train wreck that show is.

 

OP, it sounds like your relationship is on a healthy, forward moving track.

 

For what it's worth, I am generally a fan of taking things slow, but my husband and I were engaged 7 months after we started dating, and married 2 weeks before our 1st anniversary. What can I say, we just knew.

[elysium23]

What is the name of the show?

[Eeyore79]

I think it depends how old you both are. If you meet aged 18, it's quite reasonable to date for 7-8 years and marry in your mid twenties. However if you meet aged 35 then you might expect a much shorter timeline, because you're already of marriageable age and the clock is ticking in terms of fertility etc; at that age you don't have 7-8 years to waste on someone who might not marry you in the end.

 

So I'd say if you meet someone in your teens or early twenties it's ok to date for several years, and the lack of a proposal within a couple of years doesn't mean you won't eventually get married. However once you hit 25-ish (and definitely by the time you hit 30) you should be mature enough to know what you want and be ready to marry, so it's reasonable to expect a proposal within a couple of years. At that age, if a guy doesn't propose within a couple of years he probably never will, and you don't have time to waste hanging around to see whether he might.

[D-Lish]

I've only been with my guy for 3 month, and I couldn't fathom being engaged in another 3 months, or another 9 months. I really like him, we tell each other we love one another- but it's still so new.

[Ms. Joolie]

I'm not the kind of woman who's going to date one guy for 5 years plus, so I think a timeline is a good idea if marriage is what you want.

 

But I think we should set our own timelines. I would be maxed out after 5 years of dating one person and would either want to be in love and married or want to start dating someone else.

Edited January 28, 2011 by Ms. Joolie

[D-Lish]

It's pretty common in Western society- as women- to grow up with that whole notion that our defining moment in life is to have that "white dress day". It's a pressure which becomes an expectation by the time we start dating.

 

I had friends in university that had wedding scrapbooks and suscribed to bridal magazines even though they were single!

 

I fell victim to that sort of mentality, I thought I needed to be married and settled with a guy by the time I was 30. I married the wrong guy for me as a result. I think I was way more focused on fulfilling an expected timeline than I was about making sure I was choosing the right person.

 

Once you have your "white dress day", it's onto a white picket fence and 2.5 children.

 

I don't know if I ever want to get married again, I don't feel like I "need" to in order to experience fulfillment in my life.

 

Being engaged, planning the wedding, walking down the aisle, was everything I could had hoped it to be and more- but after we had the wedding, I think we both looked at one another and thought "now what???" Sad really.

[Ms. Joolie]

Just to be clear in my post, marriage does not mean wedding day.

[Star Gazer]

Most of the men Patti deals with are in their 40's. It seems more appropriate for a man that age to propose by the one-year mark than it does for someone in their 20's.

[Nightsky]

Are you talking about the Millionaire Matchmaker?

[D-Lish]

Are you talking about the Millionaire Matchmaker?

 

 

I'm assuming so...

 

If we all followed dating protocol from a reality show, my living room would be full of dead dried roses, more shrivelled than my ovaries:cool: