Is my husband a complete bonehead or am I over-reacting?

[Eddie Edirol]

One thing my H keeps asking me is what is inherently wrong with what he did. He says the girls knew he was married, he even talked about me & from what he said the girls said I sounded cool. He said he just hung out & played video games with his friends while his other friend talked with the girl he was interested in.

 

He asked if it would have been okay if it was daytime or if the girl was his friend's girlfriend.

 

I'm having a hard time answering without giving him a reason besides that what he did made me uncomfortable. He really doesn't know why it makes me feel that way & I'm having trouble articulating my feelings.

 

What your real reason is, is that you dont want him having fun without you. You dont want to think that he can easily get these women that are flirting with him. You dont want him to think the grass is greener on the other side? He will if you keep trying to blow out his fun flame. Why would he want to come home if he knows youre waiting for him just to nag him about nothing?

If he wants to stay out late, that means he doesnt want to go home. That means youve already chipped away at the attraction factor in your marriage. You better start being more fun or he'll start flirting back at the women in the bar. Insecurity is not attractive in any stage of marriage.

 

Better start showing some confidence and go out with friends late yourself.

[Brenfy]

Blow out his fun flame? Hahaha.

 

I had no problem with him going to the bar. Had I not had a migraine, I would have been with him. I have no problem with him staying out until midnight, or in this case, 2:00 when the bar closed. I've done the same myself when I've gone out with the girls.

 

My issue started when I woke up at 3am & didn't know where my husband was since I knew the bar closed at 2. And my issue continued when I found out he went back to some strange girl's apartment. That's not about being a fun killer or insecure. It's about being disrespected.

 

How would you feel knowing your wife/gf went with her friends to a strange guy's apartment in the middle of the night?

[Eeyore79]

Yes, your husband is a bonehead. It's completely inappropriate for him to go back to a single girl's apartment, even if his friends are there too, and especially in the middle of the night when everyone is drunk and inhibitions are lowered. I'd have said he was probably just an idiot, but the fact that he got defensive when you raised the subject makes me suspicious. Give him the benefit of the doubt this time, but keep your eyes open and be wary of anything funny that might be going on.

[xxoo]

I believe his motivations were fairly innocent. Chances are he was just trying to be cool for his friends. He knows it is mildly inappropriate, but is probably looking for you to give him a pass or at least acknowledge he didn't do anything inherently wrong.

 

fairly innocent

mildly inappropriate

 

That is supposed to be reassuring?

 

trying to be cool for his friends......at the knowing expense of being trustworthy for his wife?

 

General rule for married people:

If you are happily married and want to stay that way, don't choose pleasing your friends and family over pleasing your spouse.

 

If the op's husband is NOT happily married, and feels smothered by the op's expectations, then that is a separate issue to be addressed.

[Sparty97]

What would have been truly disrespectful is if he had lied about it.

 

Go ahead, forbid him from doing it again...see what happens.

[Brenfy]

What would have been truly disrespectful is if he had lied about it.

 

Go ahead, forbid him from doing it again...see what happens.

 

You could have just said you don't think he did anything wrong. If he had lied about it, and I found out, then I would think something a lot worse happened then what he told me. And we'd have a much bigger problem.

 

And this was never about trying to find a way to forbid him from doing things I don't want him to do. All I wanted was confirmation that I am not crazy for being bothered by this scenario. I'll ask you as well: would you be okay with your husband/bf/wife/gf doing what my H did?

[Sparty97]

Honestly? If she called and told me where she was I would be ok with it. I might tell her it wasn't my favorite thing she's ever done but I wouldn't cling to it.

[Woggle]

I fully understand why you would be angry about this but I have acted as sort of a wingman for my friends and my wife has no issue with it. If he wants to cheat he will cheat and if he does not want to do he won't.

[Jack & Coke]

I understand why that scenario may bug you but I do think you're overreacting. The girlfriends all wanted to go back and hang out because the bar closed at 2. One of the guys was getting good vibes from the girl, so his "wingmen" chopped it up separately with the other women.

 

I don't think your husband was wrong for hanging out at all, especially if it's not something he does all the time. If he's always home by midnight faithfully, I don't see the harm in hanging out later to blow off some steam and enjoy the groups' company. Especially if it's his friends birthday. Anything can be looked at as an inappropriate situation, but that doesn't mean that it was. I really think you owe your husband a pass on this. If anything remind him to communicate better if you honestly had NO idea where he was, but outside of that I wouldn't make an issue of it.

[2sunny]

TBH his defensive response makes me think he's guilty.

 

he is a VERY selfish man either way. he never considered your feelings in ANY of it. THEN he tried to blame you for being upset? come on - the guy is worse than a bonehead - he's an a$$!

[Brenfy]

Thanks everyfor all your input. While it's nice to know I'm not totally off base for being uncomfortable with what happened & I still don't love what my H did, I'm going to give him a pass for the following reasons:

 

1. We don't hang out at bars normally (neither my H & I nor his friends) and he'd probably rather be home playing the guitar with his friends than at a bar so this situation is unlikely to ever happen again;

 

2. My husband is not the player type. He doesn't check out girls in my presence or, if he does, he's extremely discreet about it, and he's not a flirt (I don't think he actually knows how....it's hilarious to even watch him try to be smooth with me);

 

3. He did sort of apologize for not letting me know where he was going when he left the bar (he's allergic to the phrase "I'm sorry" but he did say he should have told me from the start & he won't do that again);

 

4. When he first got home he was sort of sheepish & laughing about it, probably hoping i was gonna let it slide by. He didn't start getting defensive until he realized that I was actually pretty pissed. And I don't really think that's indicative of guilt...I've seen him have the same reaction during much smaller disagreements. I think that's just what he does ()and he should probably work on that.

[2sunny]

when there is nothing to defend - why is he being defensive? i thought he claimed to do nothing wrong... why has he spent time and energy defending nothing?

 

sometimes nothing is actually something... look closely.

[giotto]

I've been out until 3 or 4AM with friends to women's houses (our friends too, also single) and my wife never had a problem with it. She knows I wouldn't cheat and she trusts me (and maybe she was happy she didn't have to put up with my snoring after some alcohol... ). That's the end of the story, isn't it?

[Stung]

Honestly? If she called and told me where she was I would be ok with it. I might tell her it wasn't my favorite thing she's ever done but I wouldn't cling to it.

 

 

Part of the problem is that he didn't call or text to tell his wife where he was, and she actually kind of had to drag it out of him when she went looking for him at 3 am.

[2sunny]

Part of the problem is that he didn't call or text to tell his wife where he was, and she actually kind of had to drag it out of him when she went looking for him at 3 am.

 

exactly...

[Stung]

Thanks everyfor all your input. While it's nice to know I'm not totally off base for being uncomfortable with what happened & I still don't love what my H did, I'm going to give him a pass for the following reasons:

 

1. We don't hang out at bars normally (neither my H & I nor his friends) and he'd probably rather be home playing the guitar with his friends than at a bar so this situation is unlikely to ever happen again;

 

2. My husband is not the player type. He doesn't check out girls in my presence or, if he does, he's extremely discreet about it, and he's not a flirt (I don't think he actually knows how....it's hilarious to even watch him try to be smooth with me);

 

3. He did sort of apologize for not letting me know where he was going when he left the bar (he's allergic to the phrase "I'm sorry" but he did say he should have told me from the start & he won't do that again);

 

4. When he first got home he was sort of sheepish & laughing about it, probably hoping i was gonna let it slide by. He didn't start getting defensive until he realized that I was actually pretty pissed. And I don't really think that's indicative of guilt...I've seen him have the same reaction during much smaller disagreements. I think that's just what he does ()and he should probably work on that.

 

 

Fair enough.

 

You know your husband better than we do, obviously--and due to the nature of these boards you're going to get a lot of negative responses convinced that infidelity is occurring. I think it's a potentially sketchy situation, myself, but by no means evidence that cheating actually took place.

 

In your shoes, my concern would be that your husband might have weak boundaries around women and alcohol. Weak boundaries don't mean that anything DID happen, but they do mean that something COULD happen if he doesn't learn to recognize the weaknesses and monitor them for himself. His defensiveness is going to keep him from admitting that, even to himself, which will prevent him from actually shoring up his weaknesses rather than just pretending they aren't there.

 

Maybe if you wait a day or two until you've both calmed down, you'll be able to have one last conversation and present this concern to him in a way that won't trigger his defensiveness. I do think it's good that he has admitted that he should have let you know where he was without you having to track him down out of worry at 3 am. That's actually one of the central points in this argument, to my mind.

[EmmaLou]

I fully understand why you would be angry about this but I have acted as sort of a wingman for my friends and my wife has no issue with it. If he wants to cheat he will cheat and if he does not want to do he won't.

 

I agree. My partner sometimes does this, as long as he tells me where he is so I know he's safe, I don't mind at all. He's so trustworthy that I wouldn't even mind if the girls stripped naked and tried to tempt him, as I know he still wouldn't cheat.

It's like all you ladies are saying that your partners would give into temptation if they were presented with it, yes there's a lot of men like that but there are good men out there too. I want my partner to choose not to cheat, rather than me having to keep him away from certain situations incase he caves in.

[Stung]

Meh, different schools of thought. I do trust my husband, I know he loves and respects me and I don't think he'd 'cave' the second he got the chance--he's had the chance, he's an attractive, successful, interesting guy and he appeals to more women than just me.

 

I would still feel that it was disrespectful of him to go out picking up chicks at a bar and drinking and hanging out at strange girls' houses until almost dawn when I didn't know where he was. I don't think that's such a stretch, but again, schools of thought. My husband wouldn't like it much if I did something like that with other men, so fortunately he and I are on the same page with this one.

 

I also know that while my husband has no plans or particular desire to be with other women, and he believes in marital fidelity, he is a human being with a healthy libido, an occasional need for ego-validation, and marriage is a long-term deal with a lot of ups and downs. There are times when our marriage is more vulnerable than others, when one or the other of us feels misunderstood or angry, and rather than simply trust that nobody will succumb to weakness when at a girl's apartment drunk in the middle of the night, why not just ensure that social/marital boundaries are well-established in the first place? Sometimes infidelity happens when people who never thought it would be them have become so immersed in gray area relationships that they can no longer see their shade of gray has darkened until it's indistinguishable from black, sometimes it's wise to draw black and white borders around things right from the start. It's not a vote of no confidence in him personally to say I would be uncomfortable with setting such a weak boundary around strange women's apartments/alcohol/the middle of the night.

[Stung]

To all the people chiming in that they wouldn't care as long as their partner called them or that they hang out at their female friends' places at night, I believe you're missing the OP's point a little bit.

 

There was no phone call/txt letting the OP know where he was and that he was okay.

 

This was not a known/trusted female friend, but female strangers the husband and his friend picked up at a bar.

 

If my husband called me and let me know he was going to be hanging out really late with friends, I wouldn't give two craps.

 

If I had to track him down at 3 am and drag out of him that he was drinking at some strange girls' house, that's a pretty different scenario.