Should I leave my husband? I have 2 kids

[Teresa31]

Hi All

 

Thank you for taking the time to read my post, I am having a dilemma and could really do with some advice! I am sorry it is long winded but I'm trying to give as much info as possible.

 

I have been with my husband for 6 years now (married 4 1/2 years), he is in the army so we have to move about a lot. I am finding it very difficult to adapt to this way of life as I can be quite shy and find it difficult to make new friends, also I have to change jobs every time we move, as well as this our 2 children have to move schools/nursery and I feel it is having a bad affect on my son who is quite shy like me.

 

I am very close to my family (mum & sisters) and I miss them terribly, they socialise together a lot and because I don't live nearby I miss out on it all. I also really want to start making a career for myself which is difficult when we keep moving house all of the time as I have to change my job.

 

When I met my husband I was a single mum to my very young son at the time (he is now 7), I lived in a nice house in a good area near my family and I worked part time as well as working towards a degree from home. I have always been very independent and ambitious and I know this is part of the reason he was attracted to me when we met.

 

When we got married I moved away from all my friends and family to start a new life with him in Germany and I was full of all these hopes and dreams of how wonderful our lives would be, unfortunately I very quickly realised it was not going to be anything like I had imagined. I was incredibly homesick, I found a lot of the other army wives were very clicky and gossipy and I felt like an outsider, there were virtually no job opportunities and my husband was being sent away all the time with virtually no notice at all, and when he was at home he wanted to go out with his friends all the time leaving me at home on my own, I had never felt so lonely in my life! My husband was also very controlling over money and said that it was 'his' money as he worked, he wanted to know what I had spent every penny on, I found this really hard as I have always been fiercely independent.

 

I became very depressed to the point I found it difficult even leaving the house and my family back home were very worried about me, but my husband did not understand this at all and got annoyed with me all the time for being miserable. I started to make plans to leave him but then discovered I was pregnant (not planned, we had been careful too so don't understand how this happened) and I didn't know what to do. My husband begged me to keep the baby and promised he would change his ways, after much discussion we decided to make a go of things.

 

During my pregnancy I was very ill, I had severe morning sickness to the point I was almost hospitalised and I had a problem with my kidneys. Despite this my husband would get annoyed if the housework was not done and he showed me very little sympathy. He then announced he was being sent to Canada for 8 weeks and would be back a few days before my due date. Because I was so ill and had no family or friends around to support me this was more than I could take, I went to army welfare and begged them not to send him on the grounds that I would not be able to cope without him there, I even had to get a doctors note re my illnesses and a letter from a psychologist to confirm that I was suffering with depression. In the end he didn't go to Canada and as it happened my daughter came 3 weeks early so it was a good job really.

 

Once my daughter came along we were happy at first but then we got posted back to England (still 5 hours away from my family) and I had to do the move all by myself with a new baby and small child while my husband stayed in Germany at work. The move nearly sent me under with stress and money was much tighter as the cost of living is much more expensive in England, my daughter was a very difficult baby who cried a lot of the time, I felt isolated and lonely and eventually I was diagnosed with post natal depression. My husband didn't understand that I was depressed and would get angry all the time but somehow we plodded on.

 

3 years and 2 more house moves on and I am still not happy, I have almost finished my degree and I have a job which offers fantastic opportunities for progression but my husband doesn't seem to like it. Even though I'm working I get very little help from him around the home and sometimes when I work on an evening he moans about having to look after the kids and has even told me to leave my job (although I don't hear him complaining when I get paid!)

 

I also feel he is too strict with the children and he shouts a lot and is very aggressive which I disagree with, but when I tackle him about it he says I am undermining him.

 

Basically I have got to a point where I have had enough. The other night we were arguing yet again and I asked my husband if he was happy with me, he said no and that he felt trapped. I also feel trapped and totally held back by my husband and his career. I have since contacted Army welfare about what would happen if we split up and they have told me that they would put my husband into single accomodation and I would be served with an eviction notice and given 93 days to move out. They said if we weren't sure about splitting up they would allow a trial seperation for 3 months where my husband would move out but could visit and we would be entitled to 6 free marriage counselling sessions, if after the 3 months we were unable to reconcile our differences I would then be served with a 93 day eviction notice.

 

I have told my husband about this and he seemed very shocked that I had looked into it all. He said that he thought my problem was the army and not with him which isn't true at all. I asked if he would consider marriage counselling and he has said a definate NO. I don't know what to do?????? All I know is I can't stay the way I am anymore, life is too short and I have been unhappy too long.

 

Please can anyone out there give me some advice, should we try a trial seperation or should I end our marriage?? Sorry this message is so long but actually just writing it and getting stuff off my chest has helped!!

 

I look forward to hearing from anyone who can offer advice and guidance. Thanks

[Teresa31]

By the way I should add that I know all of this can't have been easy for my husband over the years, having to live with a wife who has been homesick, depressed etc and I also know that I can be quite high maintenance so I am not blaming him entirely for the problems in my marriage.

 

I can only tell my side of the story though and that is what I have done.

 

Please someone reply to me as I am in turmoil over this whole situation!

 

Thanks

[Duckduckgoose]

There are a lot of really experience LSers that probably haven't read this one yet. I am a n00b so I don't have a lot of experience with your situation.

 

I was however a child of the military so I understand that the moving and being far away from everything that is familiar is difficult.

 

You did say he was the problem and not the Army. Military wives can be cliquish, my mom can attest to that, but she still made other friends. She had trouble with a career too because she was "Married to the Military". When I dated a guy that was in the National Guard as well as when I was considering a career in the military myself I read a book called "Married to the Military". I remember that there is an online forum for military women (witves and soldiers) where they can find other women to be friends with, and post their problems. I don't know the name of the forum though or I would direct you to it.

 

I really wish I could help you more, but I just don't have the experience

[tojaz]

Hello Teresa, welcome to LS.

 

This is a very complicated situation you have here with many variables at play and two main ones.

 

1. The military life

2. Your h's controlling nature

 

In reading your post though, it seems to me that the main obstacle is that hard military life. I see you are a very family oriented person and the life of a nomad doesn't help that much. Im not sure what options are available to you in Britain.Is there any chance of a permanent post that would allow you to pursue your career and put down some roots?

 

As for your H being controlling, has he always been that way or is that his misguided response to your unhappiness? You have equal right to be happy in the marriage and chase your own dreams and desires, he needs to understand that, but right now he sounds like hes in defense mode and won't be hearing that.

 

In either case, I would look into some individual counseling to help with your depression for the time being. and please keep telling your story here, the more information, the better we can help.

 

Lastly, the big one........ Faults aside, do you still Love him? While it may not, would you want it to work? That makes all the difference in the world.

 

Keep Posting

TOJAZ

[sirweasles]

I would advise takeing the 3 months give him some time to realize you are serius and tell him very clearly this is a partnership 50/50 or you will walk. that means 50% of house work cooking and careing for the kids also that means finances what he makes is family money what you make is family money a marriege is a partnership not a woman signing into slavery. Give the guy a chance it sounds to me like you dont like the army life but you can live with it however it also sounds like he married you so that he had sombody to be his mother take the three months and get yourself counceling and get better. tell him he will do the counseling and with an open mind and participate or you are finished tell him also that if he doesnt change and become more for the family and alot more supportive of you that you will take your kids and move home. If he doesnt fix himself then you need to follow through becouse he will have just proven to you that he doesnt really care about you or the kids enough to improve. the things i put in here are things that a child could do so its not something that he can say he is trying on make him prove himself or make him single.

[tojaz]

I wouldn't suggest any ultimatums just yet, a controlling personality will react with defiance and right now more then anything, good lines of communication are important. Right now he doesn't want the split and if you want things to work, that is to your advantage. Seperation should be a last resort as it can often backfire, especially in your situation where there is a definitive deadline and no support system around you. The goal is to be working together.

 

TOJAZ

[sb129]

Teresa- I am sorry to hear about your unhappiness, I would feel very similar if I were in your shoes.

 

At the end of the day if neither of you are happy, then eventually your children are going to pick up on that and it will affect them. Keeping things going as they are isn't going to help, and it sounds like your H isn't prepared to look into MC to help your marriage.If this is the case, and if he thinks all the problems are "yours" (and they aren't, not by a long shot) then your only option is to try a separation and see if that is better for you.

 

Have you considered moving home for a time?

[sb129]

I was going to say- moving countries and having had a difficult pregnancy as well as another child to look after, and then having two children to deal with with no family support is no picnic, people underestimate how much these things can affect you.

 

I feel for you. Hugs.

 

Do you still love him? Do you want him in your life long term? As Tojaz said, if you were to settle down together near your family, would you be still happy to have him in your life?

[Teresa31]

Thank you to all that have replied to my thread, I will take on board all that has been said.

 

I can honestly say that I don't know if I am 'in love' with my husband' anymore, I still care about him but that spark has gone and I feel a lot of resentment towards him for the way things have turned out. I know that he basically feels the same as me, but in his case I feel he will just plod on regardless whereas I feel it has got to a point where something has to give.

 

He has always tried to be controlling but before we were married I was completely independent bringing in my own money so it was more difficult for him then. It is since I have moved away with him and become dependent on him that I have realised just how controlling he can be, the trouble with me is my automatic reaction to him when he tries to control me is to dig my heels in and rebel and this causes arguements! I am no doormat

 

Over the time that we have been marriedI can see that my husband has made some effort to change his ways, for example he no longer checks our bank statement daily and questions me about it, he doesn't go out nearly as much with his friends, but there are still a lot of issues there, mainly that we don't do much together as a couple as we have no babysitters.

 

It is not possible for my husband to get a permanent posting because of his trade however I have asked him if he would consider changing his trade to enable a permanent posting and he has said no. We have considered the possibility of living apart, with me & the kids moving back near my family and him coming home as & when he can, but he has almost 10 years left in the army, could our marriage survive if we lived apart that long??

 

I really feel like I don't want to make any rash decisions, personally I would like to try MC but whats the point if he won't come. All I know is I've got to do something, its figuring out what to do that is the hard bit!! Part of me feels a trial seperation would do some good as a bit of distance between us might give us chance to really think about things, but I am also worried that it could do more harm than good a drive us further apart.

 

Has anyone ever tried a trial separation and if so did it help?????

 

Thanks again for discussing this with me xx:confused:

[sirweasles]

first if your ariginal thread was true you need to reevaluate the situation to me marriage is a 50/50 of both parties giving 100% that means he gets home and sees the houde a mess he starts cleaning while asking you very politely and sincerly about your day. If he goes out on night a week with friends you go out one night a week with friends and you designate that one night a week he takes you out there is no such thing as the old days of i work so you clean and take care of the kids. it takes 2 to make a child and it takes 2 to raise a child. I married my wife with a 5 year old daughter to me that ment i had a 5 year old daughter wich intern ment i share the responsibility of raiseing her and careing for her i now have 2 more daughters the house hold work falls on my wife only becouse i am 700 miles away working to me i would give an ything in this world to beable to go home and take care of all the house hold work and cooking just to be there with my wife and kids however my wife wont let me come home she has decided that she wants me gone but my money is still nice i will give her everything i will give her my life becouse to me my family is my life and my kids and wife are my family i dont understand the thought of seperation or devorce to me that is worse than death well i live in the state of worse than death becouse im seperated so im doing my best im workling on me and im praying if he isnt willing to fight for his family he aint worth the paper i wipe my as* with sorry thats how i feel

[Teresa31]

Hi guys

 

Thank you all again for your kind words of support & guidance, I can't tell you how much it has helped to discuss my problems with people impartial to my situation, it has helped me come to a decision that I have taken a lot of time to come to (years in fact!)

 

I have decided that the biggest problem for me is adapting to army life & living away from my close family and childhood friends, it is causing me to feel resentful towards my husband as I am struggling to settle in the places that we move and struggling to get my career off the ground. The constant moving unsettles our 2 children as well. I have therefore decided to move back home to live close to my family & friends so that I can put down roots, build a career, have an active social life & my children can make lifelong friends.

 

I am not however giving up on my marriage just yet. Many army wives chose to live apart from their husbands for the same reasons as myself and I can totally understand why. If I have stability and a good support network around me it won't bother me as much when my hubby goes away with the army or if he wants to go out with friends because I will have the chance to do this myself. If I am happier, hopefully this will give our marriage more chance of survival. It will also enable my hubby & I to spend some quality time together as a couple so that hopefully we can get that 'spark' back as we will have willing baby sitters at the ready (family).

 

I am also going to push for marriage counselling and hope that hubby comes round to the idea as I do think this will help us. Of course, my hubby may not agree to my moving back home but the fact is I will go regardless, I have to start putting my happiness first because life is too short and I do know I will never be truly happy as an army wife following him wherever he may go, I've given it 4 1/2 years and that is long enough to put your life on hold.

 

If my hubby doesn't agree then I can still go back home as I earn enough of a wage to support me & the kids as a single mother, this is not what I want but I will if neccessary, money will be tight but we'll manage, you can't put a price on happiness!

 

With regards to my husbands controlling behaviour, I can see that things are certainly not as bad as they were at the start of the marriage and I think that by taking this step and moving back home he will start to see that I am my own person and he cannot control me! (hopefully). If his controlling behaviour continues and he does not start to respect as his equal a bit more the I will re-evaluate the situation once I have moved as I certainly won't be putting up with a lifetime of that!!

 

Now that I have come to a decision I feel a sense of calm & peace and feel happier now that I can actually see a light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know what my husbands reaction to all this will be, I have sent him an email and put all of my thoughts down as this way I can get my point across without him interrupting and causing an arguement. I will let you know the outcome.

 

Thank you all again for being so kind and for the advice you have given xxx

[sb129]

Your decision sounds rational and well thought out.

 

Best of luck to you Theresa.

[tojaz]

Very well thought out Teresa and I think your seeing things very clearly. Keep us posted and best of luck to you and your family.

 

TOJAZ

[Teresa31]

Hi Tojaz, sb129 & sirweasles,

 

Well my husband is not at all happy with my decision and he has told me he is moving out tomorrow!! I haven't argued with him at all I have remained calm even though on the inside I feel sick!!

 

I am not going to try and stop him, maybe this needs to happen I don't know. All I know is now my mind is made up about moving I am not going to change my mind, I know it is for the best in the long run whether we stay together or not, I have to start living again and feeling happy about my life.

 

I have asked if he wants to seperate permanently or whether it is a trial separation and he has said he doesn't know, I have asked again if he will consider MC and he said he doesn't know so I guess I'm gonna have to wait and see what happens!!!

 

Maybe this is way of trying to control the situation, I'm thinking he might have expected me to beg him not to leave and then he regains power, or it might be that he feels the same as me and is totally fed up with the situation...who knows.

 

Well, thats it from me for now. Strangely I don't feel that upset I just have that butterfly feeling and I feel a bit anxious????

 

Speak to you soon and thank you so much again for your support xxxx

[Rose T]

Dear Teresa, I've been following your story and I really admire you for staying strong. Listen to your gut instincts - it sounds like you finally know your mind so hang in there and I hope it doesn't get too tough for you. God bless xxx

[Teresa31]

Thank you Rose T for your very kind words!

 

Frankly at the moment I am feeling like I have finally woken up and realised that the only person who can sort this whole situation out is me, I am responsible for my own happiness and I'm going to make sure it happens at last, this has dragged on far too long!!

 

I feel confident about my decision but as I said before I also feel very anxious about the future and what it holds for me as well, I don't think I'll be getting much sleep tonight!!

 

I'm worried that my husband will turn his back on our marriage because his pride has been hurt and that he won't try to work things out which I think would be a terrible shame, but if he does then I am better off without him anyway.

 

Take care and thank you again xx

[Teresa31]

Hi guys

 

Just to let you know finally the hubby has agreed to MC and he hasn't moved out but we did sleep seperately last night, he isn't speaking to me at all though, since he came in from work he has not even said one word! He is obviously sulking but I'm just gonna let him get on with it and not let it get to me, I still know that I have made the best decision.

 

I have contacted army welfare and someone is going to call me tomorrow re the MC, they say they should be able to arrange it pretty quick so fingers crossed that will help us try sort this out.

 

I will let you know when we start MC and how its going etc.

 

Thanks x

[sb129]

Great news Theresa.

 

MC is a journey- it may take a while for the benefits of it to show through, so perservere and have patience.

 

GOod Luck!

[melchi656]

Hi All

 

Thank you for taking the time to read my post, I am having a dilemma and could really do with some advice! I am sorry it is long winded but I'm trying to give as much info as possible.

 

I have been with my husband for 6 years now (married 4 1/2 years), he is in the army so we have to move about a lot. I am finding it very difficult to adapt to this way of life as I can be quite shy and find it difficult to make new friends, also I have to change jobs every time we move, as well as this our 2 children have to move schools/nursery and I feel it is having a bad affect on my son who is quite shy like me.

 

I am very close to my family (mum & sisters) and I miss them terribly, they socialise together a lot and because I don't live nearby I miss out on it all. I also really want to start making a career for myself which is difficult when we keep moving house all of the time as I have to change my job.

 

When I met my husband I was a single mum to my very young son at the time (he is now 7), I lived in a nice house in a good area near my family and I worked part time as well as working towards a degree from home. I have always been very independent and ambitious and I know this is part of the reason he was attracted to me when we met.

 

When we got married I moved away from all my friends and family to start a new life with him in Germany and I was full of all these hopes and dreams of how wonderful our lives would be, unfortunately I very quickly realised it was not going to be anything like I had imagined. I was incredibly homesick, I found a lot of the other army wives were very clicky and gossipy and I felt like an outsider, there were virtually no job opportunities and my husband was being sent away all the time with virtually no notice at all, and when he was at home he wanted to go out with his friends all the time leaving me at home on my own, I had never felt so lonely in my life! My husband was also very controlling over money and said that it was 'his' money as he worked, he wanted to know what I had spent every penny on, I found this really hard as I have always been fiercely independent.

 

I became very depressed to the point I found it difficult even leaving the house and my family back home were very worried about me, but my husband did not understand this at all and got annoyed with me all the time for being miserable. I started to make plans to leave him but then discovered I was pregnant (not planned, we had been careful too so don't understand how this happened) and I didn't know what to do. My husband begged me to keep the baby and promised he would change his ways, after much discussion we decided to make a go of things.

 

During my pregnancy I was very ill, I had severe morning sickness to the point I was almost hospitalised and I had a problem with my kidneys. Despite this my husband would get annoyed if the housework was not done and he showed me very little sympathy. He then announced he was being sent to Canada for 8 weeks and would be back a few days before my due date. Because I was so ill and had no family or friends around to support me this was more than I could take, I went to army welfare and begged them not to send him on the grounds that I would not be able to cope without him there, I even had to get a doctors note re my illnesses and a letter from a psychologist to confirm that I was suffering with depression. In the end he didn't go to Canada and as it happened my daughter came 3 weeks early so it was a good job really.

 

Once my daughter came along we were happy at first but then we got posted back to England (still 5 hours away from my family) and I had to do the move all by myself with a new baby and small child while my husband stayed in Germany at work. The move nearly sent me under with stress and money was much tighter as the cost of living is much more expensive in England, my daughter was a very difficult baby who cried a lot of the time, I felt isolated and lonely and eventually I was diagnosed with post natal depression. My husband didn't understand that I was depressed and would get angry all the time but somehow we plodded on.

 

3 years and 2 more house moves on and I am still not happy, I have almost finished my degree and I have a job which offers fantastic opportunities for progression but my husband doesn't seem to like it. Even though I'm working I get very little help from him around the home and sometimes when I work on an evening he moans about having to look after the kids and has even told me to leave my job (although I don't hear him complaining when I get paid!)

 

I also feel he is too strict with the children and he shouts a lot and is very aggressive which I disagree with, but when I tackle him about it he says I am undermining him.

 

Basically I have got to a point where I have had enough. The other night we were arguing yet again and I asked my husband if he was happy with me, he said no and that he felt trapped. I also feel trapped and totally held back by my husband and his career. I have since contacted Army welfare about what would happen if we split up and they have told me that they would put my husband into single accomodation and I would be served with an eviction notice and given 93 days to move out. They said if we weren't sure about splitting up they would allow a trial seperation for 3 months where my husband would move out but could visit and we would be entitled to 6 free marriage counselling sessions, if after the 3 months we were unable to reconcile our differences I would then be served with a 93 day eviction notice.

 

I have told my husband about this and he seemed very shocked that I had looked into it all. He said that he thought my problem was the army and not with him which isn't true at all. I asked if he would consider marriage counselling and he has said a definate NO. I don't know what to do?????? All I know is I can't stay the way I am anymore, life is too short and I have been unhappy too long.

 

Please can anyone out there give me some advice, should we try a trial seperation or should I end our marriage?? Sorry this message is so long but actually just writing it and getting stuff off my chest has helped!!

 

I look forward to hearing from anyone who can offer advice and guidance. Thanks

 

I understand how you are feeling right now. I'm not really sure if it would be best for you to leave your husband. However, if things will get worse, you can clink on this link to get information about divorce laws.