15 months after break up, where do I go from here?

[bestrong]

I had a conversation with my ex-girlfriend on Christmas' Eve. She apologized and I sort of poured out my heart to her and ever since then I feel like I have been dragged a few steps backwards. The healing process becomes harder than prior to the conversation we had. I caught myself calling her name in my head when my mind is not occupied, which is freaky. I am constantly reminding myself that our lives aren't going to cross again and it's the best for both of us to remain NC until all the feelings are gone. However, I keep having these images in my head about being with her or possibly seeing her in person someday.

 

The strange thing is I don't find it heartbreaking when I know she is dating someone. I feel uneasy, but the fact that she is with someone is bothering me at all. What bothers me is to talk to her. I thought I am this close to fully recovered but I was wrong. Where do I go from here?

[Teresa31]

Can I ask if is she was the first person you ever fell in love with?

 

I found myself in a similar situation when I broke up with my first love, it was difficult because we had mutual friends so we would see each other around every now and again. Whenever we saw each other or spoke it would open a can of worms as I could still feel a connection and spark between us, the problem with us was that we wanted completely different things out of life so in reality it would never have worked but there was so much chemistry!

 

When you break up with someone you don't just lose a partner you also lose a friend and someone that you have had lots of fun times with so you can miss them for those reasons as well.

 

The thing about your situation is that your ex is obviously thinking about you as well as she wouldn't have called you otherwise, you say she apologised but haven't said why?? What did you say to her when you say you poured your heart out?? Need more info but what you need to ask yourself is what was your relationship like when you were together? Was it a healthy strong relationship, did you argue a lot? There must be some reason why you split up and if you were together again would these problems crop up again?

 

It may be that you are not right for each other and it is just that 'chemistry' still there between you, alternatively time apart may have made you & your ex realise how good you were together......

 

Whatever happens I wish you all the best & hope you feel better soon

[Graceful]

Bestrong,

I think you're doing great, actually, and your reaction to the convo is perfectly understandable. No one believes it when they first start NC, but this is living proof that it is essential to healing and moving on emotionally. When the contact is broken, feelings come rushing in all over again.

 

You are so right, isn't it incredible that after 15 months, only one short convo can set you back? But I'd say this is very temporary, you did not slide all the way down the mountain, you just slid a little bit, and if you go back to NC, you will get back where you were.

 

And lesson learned. Talking to someone you once had strong feelings for even 15 months later is too soon. You felt she was in your past, and in talking to her, she put herself back into your mind and into the "present" -- so now you have to get her back into the right context. Frankly, I think you are doing remarkably well handling this, at least from what you described. Process what you're feeling, keep NC, and ride it out. I also hope you keep on your healing path and feel lots better soon. You sound so nice. When you're ready, I'll bet someone else will come along and you'll be so glad you healed first so you can really enjoy a new relationship. Take care.

[bestrong]

Can I ask if is she was the first person you ever fell in love with?

 

I found myself in a similar situation when I broke up with my first love, it was difficult because we had mutual friends so we would see each other around every now and again. Whenever we saw each other or spoke it would open a can of worms as I could still feel a connection and spark between us, the problem with us was that we wanted completely different things out of life so in reality it would never have worked but there was so much chemistry!

 

When you break up with someone you don't just lose a partner you also lose a friend and someone that you have had lots of fun times with so you can miss them for those reasons as well.

 

The thing about your situation is that your ex is obviously thinking about you as well as she wouldn't have called you otherwise, you say she apologised but haven't said why?? What did you say to her when you say you poured your heart out?? Need more info but what you need to ask yourself is what was your relationship like when you were together? Was it a healthy strong relationship, did you argue a lot? There must be some reason why you split up and if you were together again would these problems crop up again?

 

It may be that you are not right for each other and it is just that 'chemistry' still there between you, alternatively time apart may have made you & your ex realise how good you were together......

 

Whatever happens I wish you all the best & hope you feel better soon

 

Hey Teresa! She's not the first person I fell in love with. I had 2 other relationships prior to this one but I have to say I never thought about getting married until I met her. I won't say she is my soul mate, but the connection we had was incredible. I love her too much and I put everything about her into my heart. We never argued. Then only time when we were frustrated about each other was because we went fishing and she felt bad about the fish I caught (silly, I know, but it's sort of sweet lol) We argued badly after the breakup when she didn't know what to do to make my feeling go away. Things went very bad online on my birthday and that's when I think NC is a must in order for both of us to calm down and for my feelings to fade away.

 

To answer your question, she apologised for how things have turned out, but she said it's independent to my current emotional state. Never really understood what she was trying to say( the is really bothering me). But no matter what, I know I need to move on. I just want to know what she meant.

 

I would never know the real reason of the break up and I believe the fact that I have to go back to my home country after graduation plays a huge role in the break up. A month after I went home, she said her feeling couldn't go further and that she liked me but not in love with me. I take full responsibility on that at first because I left her, but I started to realised she mentioned things like "Maybe one day I will realised how much I love you" and she would cried when she thought about me leaving. I had plans to go back for her, but I guess she prefers having someone who can be with her physically.

 

It hurts, but I can only wish her well.

[bestrong]

Graceful, thanks for your reply. You have always make good advice on LS and I am thrilled to see a reply from you. It is a tough ride, but I have to say what I am going through is not as bad as when I first started NC. My heart is slowly glued back together and all I need is to keep an eye on it before it falls and shattered into pieces again. This breakup makes me realised that anyone who has touched my souls will have a place in my heart and every single one of them help me to be a better person even though the lessons were pleasant.

 

I believe someone will come along someday when I am ready but now I am just going to use my time to work on myself. I just picked up saxophone, I have been wanting to learn that since I was a kid. Time and music are the best medicine.

[Teresa31]

Hey Bestrong

 

Graceful summed it up really, a little more time and she will be 'your past' again and the feelings you're having now will not be so raw.

 

Working on yourself and spending time doing the things you enjoy (Saxaphone etc) can only be a good thing. I wish you all the very best and I hope that one day soon you will find that special someone.

 

Take care xxx

[Graceful]

Bestrong,

Thank you for your sweet words -- the pleasure is all mine if I can ease your heart ache, even if just a little bit.

 

It's best not to dwell on it, but I think your GF might have meant that she made the decision to break off your relationship, and that it had nothing to do with the way you expressed your feelings for her. I think you are probably right, she may not have felt that a long-distance r/l was a good idea, and things became bitter sweet after that.

 

But know what? Don't go back to that dark place, ok? I want you to do what makes you happy, and it sounds like you are putting that into practice quite nicely!

 

I just picked up saxophone, I have been wanting to learn that since I was a kid. Time and music are the best medicine.

I love seeing you're doing this. The sax is HOT, for one thing!! Music plays a huge role in my life, too. In fact, I post on a MUSIC forum, and it brings me lots of happiness and fun.

 

This breakup makes me realised that anyone who has touched my souls will have a place in my heart and every single one of them help me to be a better person even though the lessons were pleasant.

I said it before, and I'll say it again, you sound like such a nice person, and I have every faith that the best is yet to come for you. I have really enjoyed being in this thread with you and Teresa31. I wish you happiness, bestrong. Take care.