MM having affair with high school sweetheart. Can't decide!

[Midwestern-heart]

First post here. I am in need of some guidance from you fine folks on LS. This is my story:

 

I am having an affair with my high school sweetheart. We reconnected on FaceBook after 30 years and two separate lifetimes had gone by. We are both in loveless marriages of over 20 years. We were very much in love 30 years ago and both of us wondered why we did not stay together since we both shared a memory of true love. When I received the friend request from her I was blown away and just stared at the little picture of my then girlfriend (now pushing 50) for about an hour before I dared accept the request. I had carried her with me all those years and never forgot her. She was "the one" that got away and it was a thrill to see her photos and to read her brief message wondering what my life was like after all these years.

 

My life was pleasant, I had been married for 25 years to my wife and we have a 17 year old daughter who we both love dearly. Our relationship was fine (I thought) for the first 17 years but not exciting and lacked passion which I attributed to the normal monotony that happens with time. She had been somewhat depressed when she confessed one day that she did not have any feelings for me anymore and she didn't think that she ever could. I was devastated. I thought she was going to ask for a divorce but she did not. I tried to fix things, insisted that we try counseling which we did. She went to counseling, but never moved an inch from her assessment that there was nothing there between us. I confessed to being inattentive and non communicative and vowed to work on things. She never budged and I was sure the next step was divorce. She also upped the anti when she said that she probably never really loved and that she just talked herself into thinking she loved me.

 

After 6 months or more of being estranged, she told me one day that she had made a decision. She declared that our daughter deserved a intact family so she would stay. Not a word about me or her feelings toward me. I was at first relieved and happy that the marriage was not over but we lived like roommates. eventually we resumed a mechanical sex life which usually amounted to her performing oral sex and then not wanting anything in return. She never warmed up to my attempts to get close again and she can not kiss me beyond a peck (my attempts were greeted with a cheek.) It was as if she was repelled by me and did only what was necessary to remain married.

 

As bad as that sounds, we got along fine and we never argued much and it was not a bad life after that. I eventually just resigned myself to the situation and momentum carried me forward. About two years ago I started to think about other women and what it would be like to be with someone who was actually attracted to me. I thought that maybe if something presented itself I would not dismiss it out of hand. I did not pursue it.

 

Well, when I got the FB friend request I immediately thought that I wanted her back. We exchanged long catching-up emails which continued for quite a while until we were chatting via email every day. We both wondered why we broke up (neither of us knew exactly why) and fantasized about what our lives would be like if we hadn't. Our online relationship blossomed and we both exchanged written fantasies of us reuniting. I finally suggested that we meet in person. She agreed and we decided to meet at a park. We talked for about an hour and then we kissed for what seemed like an hour (probably just a few minutes in reality.) It was amazing and I was in love again. We met as often as we could and eventually we made love and it was fantastic. It was exactly what was missing from my marriage. The passion, the great sex, the kissing was endless. We held hands and she melted into my arms when we met.

 

She made it clear (very early on) that she wanted a relationship not just a fling. I did too, very much, but I had a lot more trouble committing to end my marriage and be together. I could envision the relationship part just fine (I had few doubts about "us" working) but thinking about unwinding a marriage and risking destroying my relationship with my daughter just made me profoundly sad. I told her how hard that was for me and she thought maybe it was because I still loved my wife. I kept emphasizing that it was more the guilt of causing pain and (since my wife had no job) causing financial calamity. My finances were nothing great and I could not keep them in the lifestyle they were used to if I left. The condo would almost certainly have to be sold. This would uproot my wife and daughter (now starting college) and cause real financial problems for them. I would have to turn over 90% of my income to them just to keep them afloat. I would not be able to contribute much to my new situation and would be completely beholden to my new partner. Also this would be a total change of almost everything I have known. I'm not one who takes to change easily and this was big, big change. I had a million reasons why I couldn't do it right now. The guilt, the daughter starting college, the financial issues, these were real issues and I didn't think I was unreasonable to be really concerned about them.

 

The affair had been going on for over 6 months and she went on a vacation for a week and I agreed to make up my mind while she was gone. For the first time, I had flipped that mental switch and convinced myself that I could do it. It would be bad but it had to be done. It was that, or risk loosing her. She wanted to get our relationship started and soon. I could tell she was loosing patience. When she returned, I said I was committed and we could start making plans. We went apartment shopping and it was fun picturing our new life together. I got an email about a week later that she wanted to put a deposit on an apartment and she wanted me to promise that I was 100% with her. There was to be no turning back after that point. I read that and I freaked out. My mind was racing and I felt panic. I just wanted to run away. I started thinking, how can I push this farther off. I admitted how I felt when I got that email and told her to wait. I'm obviously still conflicted over this decision.

 

That was several days ago and I have been desperately trying to analyze what's really going on in my head. I looked for some advice online and found this forum. After reading quite a few posts I see that MM having affairs seem to find a lot of reasons (excuses) to put off leaving there wives. Most of the examples of that though are MM having affairs with single (younger) women. This case is different and I don't think I'm stringing her on for sex (most of our relationship is via email.) Maybe I'm fooling myself, not being honest with myself. I am probably guilty of telling her (the OW) what she wants to hear.

 

I'm stuck right now. I don't know what to do. I don't want her to leave her husband and then have me chicken out. I don't want to ruin her life. I can envision a good life for us together but I have such a hard time with the blowing up my of world (and hurting others) part. I'm just not sure I can do it. I'm paralyzed. Does anyone have any insight or advise for me? Does anyone see anything in my story that I'm missing that might help me decide what to do?

[whichwayisup]

The thing is, you've made all these plans, fantasies with the OW, given her hope and you forgot to do the one thing that could set you free. TELL your wife the truth!! How can you go ahead and plan a future, even though now you're freaking out about it, and not even come clean with your wife?

 

Not sure what it is you truly want, but this is very telling..

 

It was exactly what was missing from my marriage. The passion, the great sex, the kissing was endless. We held hands and she melted into my arms when we met.

 

If you and your wife had a better sex life, you wouldn't be chasing this OW.

 

There is more to life than just passion and sex. Let's say you divorce your wife and go to the OW..What happens when things slow down, reality hits? You are basing everything that you know and feel for this OW IN an affair setting! Not reality, not sharing responsibility with her, money, a house, her being step mom to your daughter, her family, your family, dealing with the fallout, friends picking sides, inlaws - A whole life change.

 

It blows me away that so many people think that they can just up and divorce and start a new life with someone else.

 

Start by coming clean with your wife so SHE can decide what she wants to do with the marriage. Just hope you are leaving your marriage for the right reasons..If the OW wasn't in your life, would you still be thinking of divorcing right now? My guess is no. You were just looking for an affair, nothing else. To stay married and have someone on the side to meet your needs that your wife can't provide for you. Unfortunately you chose the wrong OW, she isn't going to settle to be your side dish, to be second fiddle to your wife and family..She wants it ALL, so you need to decide quickly who it is you want and IF you DO divorce, ask the OW to give you time and space so you can deal with things, learn to be alone for a while before jumping into a real relationship with the OW.

 

Good luck.

[BB07]

Welcome to LS.......MH.

You have gotten yourself into a big mess and if you've been reading I hope you know that you are going to be catching a lot of hell. Some of it will be deserved and some of it maybe not but I hope you stick around because there are some people here who are very knowledgeable and have some great insights.

[Carrot2000]

The OW's decision to end her marriage should not be predicated on you ending yours. If she wants out, she needs to do that whether you're going to be there or not, so you needn't spend too much time feeling guilty about "chickening out". The same rules apply to you: if you want out, do it for yourself, not because of the OW.

 

 

Honestly, it sounds like your wife has no interest in staying married so you might be surprised to find that you're both on the same page on this issue. If you're certain you want to end it, but not sure how to do it, consider marital counseling to help the two of you work out an amicable way to divorce. Seek individual counseling to help you deal with your fears associated with ending a 20 year marriage and help you set goals.Get your daughter into counseling, too, to help her adjust to the idea that her parents are getting a divorce. No matter what, you must allow your wife her dignity and end your marriage with respect and compassion.

 

Step away from the OW for a while; she has her mess to handle, and you need to start dealing with yours. With so much on your plate, you're really in no position to make any kind of promise of a future to her.

[Distant78]

First post here. I am in need of some guidance from you fine folks on LS. This is my story:

 

I am having an affair with my high school sweetheart. We reconnected on FaceBook after 30 years and two separate lifetimes had gone by. We are both in loveless marriages of over 20 years. We were very much in love 30 years ago and both of us wondered why we did not stay together since we both shared a memory of true love. When I received the friend request from her I was blown away and just stared at the little picture of my then girlfriend (now pushing 50) for about an hour before I dared accept the request. I had carried her with me all those years and never forgot her. She was "the one" that got away and it was a thrill to see her photos and to read her brief message wondering what my life was like after all these years.

 

My life was pleasant, I had been married for 25 years to my wife and we have a 17 year old daughter who we both love dearly. Our relationship was fine (I thought) for the first 17 years but not exciting and lacked passion which I attributed to the normal monotony that happens with time. She had been somewhat depressed when she confessed one day that she did not have any feelings for me anymore and she didn't think that she ever could. I was devastated. I thought she was going to ask for a divorce but she did not. I tried to fix things, insisted that we try counseling which we did. She went to counseling, but never moved an inch from her assessment that there was nothing there between us. I confessed to being inattentive and non communicative and vowed to work on things. She never budged and I was sure the next step was divorce. She also upped the anti when she said that she probably never really loved and that she just talked herself into thinking she loved me.

 

After 6 months or more of being estranged, she told me one day that she had made a decision. She declared that our daughter deserved a intact family so she would stay. Not a word about me or her feelings toward me. I was at first relieved and happy that the marriage was not over but we lived like roommates. eventually we resumed a mechanical sex life which usually amounted to her performing oral sex and then not wanting anything in return. She never warmed up to my attempts to get close again and she can not kiss me beyond a peck (my attempts were greeted with a cheek.) It was as if she was repelled by me and did only what was necessary to remain married.

 

As bad as that sounds, we got along fine and we never argued much and it was not a bad life after that. I eventually just resigned myself to the situation and momentum carried me forward. About two years ago I started to think about other women and what it would be like to be with someone who was actually attracted to me. I thought that maybe if something presented itself I would not dismiss it out of hand. I did not pursue it.

 

Well, when I got the FB friend request I immediately thought that I wanted her back. We exchanged long catching-up emails which continued for quite a while until we were chatting via email every day. We both wondered why we broke up (neither of us knew exactly why) and fantasized about what our lives would be like if we hadn't. Our online relationship blossomed and we both exchanged written fantasies of us reuniting. I finally suggested that we meet in person. She agreed and we decided to meet at a park. We talked for about an hour and then we kissed for what seemed like an hour (probably just a few minutes in reality.) It was amazing and I was in love again. We met as often as we could and eventually we made love and it was fantastic. It was exactly what was missing from my marriage. The passion, the great sex, the kissing was endless. We held hands and she melted into my arms when we met.

 

She made it clear (very early on) that she wanted a relationship not just a fling. I did too, very much, but I had a lot more trouble committing to end my marriage and be together. I could envision the relationship part just fine (I had few doubts about "us" working) but thinking about unwinding a marriage and risking destroying my relationship with my daughter just made me profoundly sad. I told her how hard that was for me and she thought maybe it was because I still loved my wife. I kept emphasizing that it was more the guilt of causing pain and (since my wife had no job) causing financial calamity. My finances were nothing great and I could not keep them in the lifestyle they were used to if I left. The condo would almost certainly have to be sold. This would uproot my wife and daughter (now starting college) and cause real financial problems for them. I would have to turn over 90% of my income to them just to keep them afloat. I would not be able to contribute much to my new situation and would be completely beholden to my new partner. Also this would be a total change of almost everything I have known. I'm not one who takes to change easily and this was big, big change. I had a million reasons why I couldn't do it right now. The guilt, the daughter starting college, the financial issues, these were real issues and I didn't think I was unreasonable to be really concerned about them.

 

The affair had been going on for over 6 months and she went on a vacation for a week and I agreed to make up my mind while she was gone. For the first time, I had flipped that mental switch and convinced myself that I could do it. It would be bad but it had to be done. It was that, or risk loosing her. She wanted to get our relationship started and soon. I could tell she was loosing patience. When she returned, I said I was committed and we could start making plans. We went apartment shopping and it was fun picturing our new life together. I got an email about a week later that she wanted to put a deposit on an apartment and she wanted me to promise that I was 100% with her. There was to be no turning back after that point. I read that and I freaked out. My mind was racing and I felt panic. I just wanted to run away. I started thinking, how can I push this farther off. I admitted how I felt when I got that email and told her to wait. I'm obviously still conflicted over this decision.

 

That was several days ago and I have been desperately trying to analyze what's really going on in my head. I looked for some advice online and found this forum. After reading quite a few posts I see that MM having affairs seem to find a lot of reasons (excuses) to put off leaving there wives. Most of the examples of that though are MM having affairs with single (younger) women. This case is different and I don't think I'm stringing her on for sex (most of our relationship is via email.) Maybe I'm fooling myself, not being honest with myself. I am probably guilty of telling her (the OW) what she wants to hear.

 

I'm stuck right now. I don't know what to do. I don't want her to leave her husband and then have me chicken out. I don't want to ruin her life. I can envision a good life for us together but I have such a hard time with the blowing up my of world (and hurting others) part. I'm just not sure I can do it. I'm paralyzed. Does anyone have any insight or advise for me? Does anyone see anything in my story that I'm missing that might help me decide what to do?

 

Both of you need to let your spouses go so they can find a person who really loves them. They did not deserve this kind of treatment.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

Based on what you have stated, I don't respect your current marriage as being a true marriage... It's just a facade...

 

At the same time, it's far far worse to carry on your current relationship behind your 'wife's' back than to continue the facade...

 

I would suggest immediately telling all to your wife. ALL. leave nothing out. What do you have to fear at this point anyways? I don't know why, but I highly suspect (perhaps incorrectly, who knows) that she's been sleeping with other men behind your back all along anyways.

 

You know the right thing to do is to eliminate all contact with your OW until both marriages are completely settled in one fashion or another. And only if both marriage are finalized and no longer, then you can pursue one another if the feelings are still there... I find it highly unlikely at this time that you might decide to do the right thing.

 

You've got a long hard road ahead of you...

[xxoo]

I'm stuck right now. I don't know what to do. I don't want her to leave her husband and then have me chicken out. I don't want to ruin her life. I can envision a good life for us together but I have such a hard time with the blowing up my of world (and hurting others) part. I'm just not sure I can do it. I'm paralyzed. Does anyone have any insight or advise for me? Does anyone see anything in my story that I'm missing that might help me decide what to do?

 

Missing:

 

Neither of you should leave FOR another person. If she chooses to leave her marriage, it should be because she is done with the marriage--NOT because you are available to her. If you choose to leave your marriage, it should be because you are done with the marriage--NOT because she is available to you.

 

You say you are having a hard time with the "hurting others" part--but you are hurting others. Your actions are in secret right now, but the truth comes out, and what you are doing right now is hurting them. They just don't know it yet.

 

You and your high school sweetheart need to stay away from each other and figure out if you want to stay in your marriages or not. If you individually choose to stay married, then that means be married and stop cheating. If you individually choose to divorce, that means you will then be available to date each other (or others).

[SidLyon]

First post here. I am in need of some guidance from you fine folks on LS. This is my story:

 

I am having an affair with my high school sweetheart. We reconnected on FaceBook after 30 years and two separate lifetimes had gone by. We are both in loveless marriages of over 20 years. We were very much in love 30 years ago and both of us wondered why we did not stay together since we both shared a memory of true love. When I received the friend request from her I was blown away and just stared at the little picture of my then girlfriend (now pushing 50) for about an hour before I dared accept the request. I had carried her with me all those years and never forgot her. She was "the one" that got away and it was a thrill to see her photos and to read her brief message wondering what my life was like after all these years.

 

My life was pleasant, I had been married for 25 years to my wife and we have a 17 year old daughter who we both love dearly. Our relationship was fine (I thought) for the first 17 years but not exciting and lacked passion which I attributed to the normal monotony that happens with time. She had been somewhat depressed when she confessed one day that she did not have any feelings for me anymore and she didn't think that she ever could. I was devastated. I thought she was going to ask for a divorce but she did not. I tried to fix things, insisted that we try counseling which we did. She went to counseling, but never moved an inch from her assessment that there was nothing there between us. I confessed to being inattentive and non communicative and vowed to work on things. She never budged and I was sure the next step was divorce. She also upped the anti when she said that she probably never really loved and that she just talked herself into thinking she loved me.

 

After 6 months or more of being estranged, she told me one day that she had made a decision. She declared that our daughter deserved a intact family so she would stay. Not a word about me or her feelings toward me. I was at first relieved and happy that the marriage was not over but we lived like roommates. eventually we resumed a mechanical sex life which usually amounted to her performing oral sex and then not wanting anything in return. She never warmed up to my attempts to get close again and she can not kiss me beyond a peck (my attempts were greeted with a cheek.) It was as if she was repelled by me and did only what was necessary to remain married.

 

As bad as that sounds, we got along fine and we never argued much and it was not a bad life after that. I eventually just resigned myself to the situation and momentum carried me forward. About two years ago I started to think about other women and what it would be like to be with someone who was actually attracted to me. I thought that maybe if something presented itself I would not dismiss it out of hand. I did not pursue it.

 

Well, when I got the FB friend request I immediately thought that I wanted her back. We exchanged long catching-up emails which continued for quite a while until we were chatting via email every day. We both wondered why we broke up (neither of us knew exactly why) and fantasized about what our lives would be like if we hadn't. Our online relationship blossomed and we both exchanged written fantasies of us reuniting. I finally suggested that we meet in person. She agreed and we decided to meet at a park. We talked for about an hour and then we kissed for what seemed like an hour (probably just a few minutes in reality.) It was amazing and I was in love again. We met as often as we could and eventually we made love and it was fantastic. It was exactly what was missing from my marriage. The passion, the great sex, the kissing was endless. We held hands and she melted into my arms when we met.

 

She made it clear (very early on) that she wanted a relationship not just a fling. I did too, very much, but I had a lot more trouble committing to end my marriage and be together. I could envision the relationship part just fine (I had few doubts about "us" working) but thinking about unwinding a marriage and risking destroying my relationship with my daughter just made me profoundly sad. I told her how hard that was for me and she thought maybe it was because I still loved my wife. I kept emphasizing that it was more the guilt of causing pain and (since my wife had no job) causing financial calamity. My finances were nothing great and I could not keep them in the lifestyle they were used to if I left. The condo would almost certainly have to be sold. This would uproot my wife and daughter (now starting college) and cause real financial problems for them. I would have to turn over 90% of my income to them just to keep them afloat. I would not be able to contribute much to my new situation and would be completely beholden to my new partner. Also this would be a total change of almost everything I have known. I'm not one who takes to change easily and this was big, big change. I had a million reasons why I couldn't do it right now. The guilt, the daughter starting college, the financial issues, these were real issues and I didn't think I was unreasonable to be really concerned about them.

 

The affair had been going on for over 6 months and she went on a vacation for a week and I agreed to make up my mind while she was gone. For the first time, I had flipped that mental switch and convinced myself that I could do it. It would be bad but it had to be done. It was that, or risk loosing her. She wanted to get our relationship started and soon. I could tell she was loosing patience. When she returned, I said I was committed and we could start making plans. We went apartment shopping and it was fun picturing our new life together. I got an email about a week later that she wanted to put a deposit on an apartment and she wanted me to promise that I was 100% with her. There was to be no turning back after that point. I read that and I freaked out. My mind was racing and I felt panic. I just wanted to run away. I started thinking, how can I push this farther off. I admitted how I felt when I got that email and told her to wait. I'm obviously still conflicted over this decision.

 

That was several days ago and I have been desperately trying to analyze what's really going on in my head. I looked for some advice online and found this forum. After reading quite a few posts I see that MM having affairs seem to find a lot of reasons (excuses) to put off leaving there wives. Most of the examples of that though are MM having affairs with single (younger) women. This case is different and I don't think I'm stringing her on for sex (most of our relationship is via email.) Maybe I'm fooling myself, not being honest with myself. I am probably guilty of telling her (the OW) what she wants to hear.

 

I'm stuck right now. I don't know what to do. I don't want her to leave her husband and then have me chicken out. I don't want to ruin her life. I can envision a good life for us together but I have such a hard time with the blowing up my of world (and hurting others) part. I'm just not sure I can do it. I'm paralyzed. Does anyone have any insight or advise for me? Does anyone see anything in my story that I'm missing that might help me decide what to do?

 

Welcome to LS.

 

If you read enough you will see that your situation follows a fairly predictable pattern.

 

In my view the absolute best thing you can do is tell your wife you are thinking of leaving because you have found someone else. You may find a number of things just fall into place then, and it may be that you are able to leave to start your new life or that you realise that what you want is a new improved marriage with your wife.

 

A new improved marriage is possible after you come out from the other side - I know because I've done it. So is a new start with your OW.

 

If you decide to end the affair with the OW and recommit to your wife without telling her of the affair then I can almost guarantee you that you will still have an "empty shell" marriage and will be very unhappy and will feel tempted to start up again with the same or another OW. This will continue for years.

 

You need to face the fact that whatever you do will cause pain to those you care about. Many MM in your situation end up doing the thing that causes the least pain to themselves and the most pain to everyone else.

 

Are you going to try to be different?

[xxoo]

Many MM in your situation end up doing the thing that causes the least pain to themselves and the most pain to everyone else.

 

This is a profoundly true insight, from the stories I've read here

 

Please, op, stand up and take the hit directly (tell your wife) rather than taking the easier route of inaction at the expense of your wife AND ow.

[kuma]

Does anyone see anything in my story that I'm missing that might help me decide what to do?

 

I don't think you should just drop everything and be with your OW. That's the easy out and your daughter will lose her respect for you. Please talk to your wife. She deserves to know the truth.

[whichwayisup]

I must have misread, I didn't see that your OW is a MW.

 

Does she have children to consider as well?

 

Have you thought about blended families, how this is going to work out in the long run? Getting involved and also not only dealing with your stuff, but hers too? Her family, friends, relatives, as well as yours? Do you really know her well enough (30 years, you may 'know' her in one sense, but you don't KNOW her as an adult, how she handles crisis, how her communication skills are, her bad habits, etc) to throw away all that you have with your wife? She obviously has to be thinking the same thing, I hope she is either way.

 

What if you leave your W then she decides not to leave her husband? Are you alright with being alone? Giving up your life as you know it? for what?

 

Get to counselling to help you figure this out.

[TigerCub]

Hey Midwestern-Heart,

 

I have a question for you: When you were describing the bad condition of your M and talking about how she even said that she doesn't love you, you mentioned more than once how you thought this was leading to divorce. Why were you waiting on her to decide?

I'm really just curious, because I read the endless stories of these MMs who are in loveless Rs and blah blah, but they're waiting on the W to leave them! If someone makes it CLEAR that they don't love you, why don't you just nut up and make the move to get out?

 

Granted, you did mention that you have the daughter and the finances and blah blah, but at the end of the day, its your life, do you want to sepend the rest of it being miserable, giving everything you have to someone that doesn't love you and isn't shy about telling you that?? I really think that's just sad, and such a huge waste.

 

Furthermore, you claim that you're worried about your daughter hating you if you leave, don't you think she's going to hate you even more, if you're still at home and she someohow finds out about how you're cheating on her mom? I would figure that would give a girl waaaaay more daddy issues than a simple divorce. Don't teach her that all men are cheating jerks that would rather sneak around and live a lie, than have the courage to do what needs to be done - that would be a terrible disservice to your daughter.

 

I understand the whole fantasy aspect of the A, and I know that you didn't do the apartment shopping with the OW just to string her along and lead her on, I think you really did it because you love the fantasy and there are moments where you think it could come true, but still, at the end of the day, you're stringing her along if you're just coming up with all these reasons why you can't leave.

 

What you need to do is just make a decision and stick to it:

- you can either get a divorce and face all the financial stress / some family drama and get on with your life

 

- or you can go back to your little condo, put on your phony smile, grin and take it. And STOP wasting the OW's time.

 

I personally think that life is way too short to waste living day to day being so unhappy, but that's just me.

[michelangelo]

Get a divorce, move out, live on your own for at least a year.

 

And after that? Only then consider moving in with anybody.

 

Your old GF from high school has issues as big as your own.

 

Shake them off first!

 

Don't be pressured to get an apartment with her just because you're screwing her.

 

Think with your head.

[Distant78]

If you don't own your wrong now it'll blow up later and the damage will be even bigger. Your marital and domestic issues give you no excuse to have an affair. You know you could've handled your problems better instead of making them worse.

[jnj express]

You need to look at this whole thing from another angle---

 

WHO IS MORE IMPORTANT TO YOU---YOUR DAUGHTER, or SOME EX, WHO COULDN'T REALLY MAKE IT WITH THE FIRST TI,E AROUND---AND BOTTOM LINE YOU MIGHT NOT MAKE IT WITH HER THIS TIME AR

 

Remember the 1st time around you were kids, you more than likely were just dating, you had no real responsibility, or reality with this woman----what makes you think a full our real relationship will make it now

 

No matter what excuse you wanna give for blowing up your wife----do not dump on your daughter

[BB07]

Lot's of good posts here and a lot of stuff to think about MH.

 

Something Tiger Cub said in her post really resonated with me as I was already thinking similar thoughts about the current state of your marriage. It seems to be such a common theme that men having affairs talk about how unhappy they are but yet for the most part they just coast along, waiting on the wife to do something about it. Why do men, including yourself have such a hard time finding the gonads to demand change or either choose to walk away? I mean.........really now, what kind of life is that, or wait maybe it wasn't really as bad as you are portraying it now?

 

As others have pointed out, you don't know this woman you are having an affair with. She is not the same person she was 30 years ago, nor are you. I think you've been deluding yourself thinking that you can walk away from your life and walk right into another one with her. Maybe a lot of escapism was going on but all the sudden you've had a dose of the reality and now you are scared.

 

I think the best thing you can do for yourself and your wife and family is tell the OW that it's over and then sit down with your wife and tell her what you've told us here at LS. Then your wife gets to decide if she wants the marriage or not, because frankly it shouldn't be up to you now, you've screwed up too much. If you don't want to tell your wife the truth.........then you should leave and get yourself into some IC and figure out why you've done such a destructive thing to yourself, your wife, your daughter and your OW. Find your gonads.........and do the right thing and stop hiding behind your supposed unhappiness with your wife and your marriage.

 

BTW......if your OW was on here and telling us a similar tale, most of us would advise her to get out NOW, but she probably wouldn't be telling us the same tale, now would she? She'd be telling us that she is sure you love her and reasonably sure that you are going to leave..........right? Just like your wife, she isn't getting the whole truth either about your real feelings and thoughts.

 

BTW.......if it matters, I'm a former OW.

[Distant78]

BTW.......if it matters, I'm a former OW.

 

Why in bold letters?

[BB07]

Why in bold letters?

 

I would think it would be obvious, but just in case....I'm proud that my status is former, not proud at all of the other part.

[Distant78]

I would think it would be obvious, but just in case....I'm proud that my status is former, not proud at all of the other part.

 

You thought it would be obvious?

[Midwestern-heart]

If you and your wife had a better sex life, you wouldn't be chasing this OW.

 

There is more to life than just passion and sex. Let's say you divorce your wife and go to the OW..What happens when things slow down, reality hits? You are basing everything that you know and feel for this OW IN an affair setting! Not reality, not sharing responsibility with her, money, a house, her being step mom to your daughter, her family, your family, dealing with the fallout, friends picking sides, inlaws - A whole life change.

 

It blows me away that so many people think that they can just up and divorce and start a new life with someone else.

 

Thanks for taking time to help a total stranger. I really appreciate it.

 

"If you and your wife had a better sex life, you wouldn't be chasing this OW. " ~~ This is probably true to the extent that if I had a loving relationship in my marriage I probably would not have allowed this to happen (I am not a repeat cheater.) Is it not normal for someone to want those things? It is not just about sex on the side. I do love and respect the OW a great deal. If I didn't, I would not be considering this move.

 

The second part of your reply I quoted is very helpful (reality check) stuff. I am thinking about those things (now more than before) and that's exactly why I came here, for needed outside perspective.

 

Thank you all so much.

[woinlove]

Why not be honest with your wife? You've shared many years with her and raised a daughter. She will have her own reaction to the fact that you are involved with another woman and that you are trying to decide whether to build a future with this other woman. The marriage sounds even worse for your wife. If you are honest, you can talk to your wife about finances, putting your daughter through college, possibly her getting a job. Likely your marriage is over, but you should allow your wife to prepare too, rather than continuing the deception and blindsiding her.

[Distant78]

Your wife is in no way shape or form responsible for you deciding to cheat and lie to her. Having a better sex life doesn't keep a cheater from cheating. You need to own your poor choices and be a man and tell your wife what's really going on instead of acting immature like you're so in love. You're not. You're just prolonging the inevitable.

[xxoo]

Why not be honest with your wife? You've shared many years with her and raised a daughter. She will have her own reaction to the fact that you are involved with another woman and that you are trying to decide whether to build a future with this other woman. The marriage sounds even worse for your wife. .

 

Agreed.

 

Consider your wife's choices for the moment. How did she handle it when she had her OWN doubts and dissatisfaction in the marriage? Did she cheat? Did she lie?

 

From what you've posted here--no, she didn't. She communicated the issue with you honestly (even though I'm sure that was hard to do). She went with you to counseling. She made a decision to stick with the marriage and consider your needs (even though I'm sure that was hard to do). She was straightfoward about her reasons for considering leaving, and reasons for staying. She gave you the information you needed to make your OWN decision about leaving or staying--and you stayed.

 

Now, when you are the one having marital doubts and dissatisfaction, why doesn't she deserve the same honesty and opportunity to make decisions for herself? Why is her honesty repaid with lies and betrayal?

[MorningCoffee]

Agreed.

 

Consider your wife's choices for the moment. How did she handle it when she had her OWN doubts and dissatisfaction in the marriage? Did she cheat? Did she lie?

 

From what you've posted here--no, she didn't. She communicated the issue with you honestly (even though I'm sure that was hard to do). She went with you to counseling. She made a decision to stick with the marriage and consider your needs (even though I'm sure that was hard to do). She was straightfoward about her reasons for considering leaving, and reasons for staying. She gave you the information you needed to make your OWN decision about leaving or staying--and you stayed.

 

Now, when you are the one having marital doubts and dissatisfaction, why doesn't she deserve the same honesty and opportunity to make decisions for herself? Why is her honesty repaid with lies and betrayal?

 

 

Excellent post. Not easy advice to follow through on, but excellent nevertheless.

[dont-be-naive]

Does anyone have any insight or advise for me? Does anyone see anything in my story that I'm missing that might help me decide what to do?

 

yes

 

your kid is almost an adult and getting ready to graudate high school. so you have at least stayed married the whole time she was growing up in your house.

 

having said that, file for divorce so your wife can find a man that will treat her with respect and be faithful. life is too short and she should be able to go out and enjoy life and date around. she is missing out.

 

as far as your MW, well, tough toenails. its up to her whether she wants to stay married and cuckold her husband out of fear of the unknown, and tough for you if you divorce and she stays married.

 

none of that should be your wife's problem. yes, your wife decided to stay, but she doesn't realize that your heart isn't in it. IMO you are holding her hostage with misinformation.

 

set her free so she can enjoy the rest of her life.