MM having affair with high school sweetheart. Can't decide!

[mitchell]

You're going to miss those BJ's from your wife six months from now.

[carhill]

I'd almost be willing to bet that she's had her own A's which led to the "I don't love you" speech.

 

I see a lot of parallels and, upon reading the OP for the first time, felt the tug of this realization as well.

 

OP, make an appointment with an IC this week and clarify your issues with a professional. Then, with that clarity, establish a plan of action. This mess has gone on long enough, don't you think?

[Distant78]

I think that's a bit unfair to say she doesn't realize his heart isn't it. How would you feel if you were told you weren't loved anymore and it was uncertain if you ever were? Do you think she cares if his heart is in it? She stayed for her own reasons (I'm sure the daughter and having to work herself were part of that decision) but none of those reasons included love for her H. How can she expect his heart to be in it when she's clearly withdrawn and not loving towards him?

 

I'm not saying that gives him reason to cheat. I agree that he is culpable for his marital situation now as well by allowing this M to remain intact. I don't agree with the path he's taking either, but I'd almost be willing to bet that she's had her own A's which led to the "I don't love you" speech. My guess (and yes, it's only a guess) is that she stayed in the M out of comfort and a sense of obligation. A discussion with her might enlighten him as to whether or not she even wants to remain M. The way I see it, unless she has someone on the side as well, I don't believe she'll give up being a SAHM to an empty nest without a fight. Perhaps she is just this honest and open person and if that's the case, then him wanting to dissolve the M will be a relief to her.

 

But he's the one in question, not her. There is absolutely no excuse. Non whatsoever.

[phillyfan]

First post here. I am in need of some guidance from you fine folks on LS. This is my story:

 

I am having an affair with my high school sweetheart. We reconnected on FaceBook after 30 years and two separate lifetimes had gone by. We are both in loveless marriages of over 20 years. We were very much in love 30 years ago and both of us wondered why we did not stay together since we both shared a memory of true love. When I received the friend request from her I was blown away and just stared at the little picture of my then girlfriend (now pushing 50) for about an hour before I dared accept the request. I had carried her with me all those years and never forgot her. She was "the one" that got away and it was a thrill to see her photos and to read her brief message wondering what my life was like after all these years.

 

My life was pleasant, I had been married for 25 years to my wife and we have a 17 year old daughter who we both love dearly. Our relationship was fine (I thought) for the first 17 years but not exciting and lacked passion which I attributed to the normal monotony that happens with time. She had been somewhat depressed when she confessed one day that she did not have any feelings for me anymore and she didn't think that she ever could. I was devastated. I thought she was going to ask for a divorce but she did not. I tried to fix things, insisted that we try counseling which we did. She went to counseling, but never moved an inch from her assessment that there was nothing there between us. I confessed to being inattentive and non communicative and vowed to work on things. She never budged and I was sure the next step was divorce. She also upped the anti when she said that she probably never really loved and that she just talked herself into thinking she loved me.

 

After 6 months or more of being estranged, she told me one day that she had made a decision. She declared that our daughter deserved a intact family so she would stay. Not a word about me or her feelings toward me. I was at first relieved and happy that the marriage was not over but we lived like roommates. eventually we resumed a mechanical sex life which usually amounted to her performing oral sex and then not wanting anything in return. She never warmed up to my attempts to get close again and she can not kiss me beyond a peck (my attempts were greeted with a cheek.) It was as if she was repelled by me and did only what was necessary to remain married.

 

As bad as that sounds, we got along fine and we never argued much and it was not a bad life after that. I eventually just resigned myself to the situation and momentum carried me forward. About two years ago I started to think about other women and what it would be like to be with someone who was actually attracted to me. I thought that maybe if something presented itself I would not dismiss it out of hand. I did not pursue it.

 

Well, when I got the FB friend request I immediately thought that I wanted her back. We exchanged long catching-up emails which continued for quite a while until we were chatting via email every day. We both wondered why we broke up (neither of us knew exactly why) and fantasized about what our lives would be like if we hadn't. Our online relationship blossomed and we both exchanged written fantasies of us reuniting. I finally suggested that we meet in person. She agreed and we decided to meet at a park. We talked for about an hour and then we kissed for what seemed like an hour (probably just a few minutes in reality.) It was amazing and I was in love again. We met as often as we could and eventually we made love and it was fantastic. It was exactly what was missing from my marriage. The passion, the great sex, the kissing was endless. We held hands and she melted into my arms when we met.

 

She made it clear (very early on) that she wanted a relationship not just a fling. I did too, very much, but I had a lot more trouble committing to end my marriage and be together. I could envision the relationship part just fine (I had few doubts about "us" working) but thinking about unwinding a marriage and risking destroying my relationship with my daughter just made me profoundly sad. I told her how hard that was for me and she thought maybe it was because I still loved my wife. I kept emphasizing that it was more the guilt of causing pain and (since my wife had no job) causing financial calamity. My finances were nothing great and I could not keep them in the lifestyle they were used to if I left. The condo would almost certainly have to be sold. This would uproot my wife and daughter (now starting college) and cause real financial problems for them. I would have to turn over 90% of my income to them just to keep them afloat. I would not be able to contribute much to my new situation and would be completely beholden to my new partner. Also this would be a total change of almost everything I have known. I'm not one who takes to change easily and this was big, big change. I had a million reasons why I couldn't do it right now. The guilt, the daughter starting college, the financial issues, these were real issues and I didn't think I was unreasonable to be really concerned about them.

 

The affair had been going on for over 6 months and she went on a vacation for a week and I agreed to make up my mind while she was gone. For the first time, I had flipped that mental switch and convinced myself that I could do it. It would be bad but it had to be done. It was that, or risk loosing her. She wanted to get our relationship started and soon. I could tell she was loosing patience. When she returned, I said I was committed and we could start making plans. We went apartment shopping and it was fun picturing our new life together. I got an email about a week later that she wanted to put a deposit on an apartment and she wanted me to promise that I was 100% with her. There was to be no turning back after that point. I read that and I freaked out. My mind was racing and I felt panic. I just wanted to run away. I started thinking, how can I push this farther off. I admitted how I felt when I got that email and told her to wait. I'm obviously still conflicted over this decision.

 

That was several days ago and I have been desperately trying to analyze what's really going on in my head. I looked for some advice online and found this forum. After reading quite a few posts I see that MM having affairs seem to find a lot of reasons (excuses) to put off leaving there wives. Most of the examples of that though are MM having affairs with single (younger) women. This case is different and I don't think I'm stringing her on for sex (most of our relationship is via email.) Maybe I'm fooling myself, not being honest with myself. I am probably guilty of telling her (the OW) what she wants to hear.

 

I'm stuck right now. I don't know what to do. I don't want her to leave her husband and then have me chicken out. I don't want to ruin her life. I can envision a good life for us together but I have such a hard time with the blowing up my of world (and hurting others) part. I'm just not sure I can do it. I'm paralyzed. Does anyone have any insight or advise for me? Does anyone see anything in my story that I'm missing that might help me decide what to do?

 

DUDE. For the LOVE OF GOD. LEAVE YOUR WIFE and go be with that great lady. Your wife has treated u bad, there is nothin left there for u, she can earn her own money and ur daughter, well, tell her the score, tell her u have a shot at happiness and what can I say - she gets a good role model in u.

 

Yea the change is scary but jeez - MAN UP else you r about to f**k up ur personal gift from above for no good reason. U also have damaged things already wit ur girl, she mite not trust you again unless u really man up and make this rite. Go get the big D rite now, let ur new girl see u doin it.

 

U only have 1 life and u r spendin it gettin crapped on-sort it out dude.

[woinlove]

I think that's a bit unfair to say she doesn't realize his heart isn't it. How would you feel if you were told you weren't loved anymore and it was uncertain if you ever were? Do you think she cares if his heart is in it? She stayed for her own reasons (I'm sure the daughter and having to work herself were part of that decision) but none of those reasons included love for her H. How can she expect his heart to be in it when she's clearly withdrawn and not loving towards him?

 

I'm not saying that gives him reason to cheat. I agree that he is culpable for his marital situation now as well by allowing this M to remain intact. I don't agree with the path he's taking either, but I'd almost be willing to bet that she's had her own A's which led to the "I don't love you" speech. My guess (and yes, it's only a guess) is that she stayed in the M out of comfort and a sense of obligation. A discussion with her might enlighten him as to whether or not she even wants to remain M. The way I see it, unless she has someone on the side as well, I don't believe she'll give up being a SAHM to an empty nest without a fight. Perhaps she is just this honest and open person and if that's the case, then him wanting to dissolve the M will be a relief to her.

 

We don't really know anything about the W except what Midwest has told us. Does she care about what her H feels? Who knows? What she did was tell him something that most spouses would not want to hear. That is usually a difficult thing to do. Many people lie (whether outright or by omission) in order not to have to tell their spouses something they do not want to hear. There is no indication that his W forced him to stay married after that. From what he writes, she seems to have told him the truth about her feelings and her motivation. That would have been a good point for him to say "well, okay, but then I want to stay married to you and also have a sexual love affair with another woman". That would have probably made her think twice about staying married. But Midwest never suggests that he said that to her. And him not saying that is why she likely thinks her BJs are satisfying him sexually and that he is committed to the marriage for the time being.

 

Maybe his W is having an affair, but that seems like pure speculation. Often the reason for falling out of love is due to a buildup of resentment and lack of effective communication.

 

In any case, I agree with your bottom line that Midwest should stop the deception and be honest with his W.

[AngeletteX]

I'm stuck right now. I don't know what to do. I don't want her to leave her husband and then have me chicken out. I don't want to ruin her life. I can envision a good life for us together but I have such a hard time with the blowing up my of world (and hurting others) part. I'm just not sure I can do it. I'm paralyzed. Does anyone have any insight or advise for me? Does anyone see anything in my story that I'm missing that might help me decide what to do?

 

MidW-H – I think you’re looking at this the wrong way. You’re driving yourself crazy with the “what ifs”.

 

What if I LEAVE and (blank) happens? What if I STAY and (blank) happens? There are a million possible variables….hence a million different ways to drive yourself crazy. Plus, chances are what you’re thinking about are all the potential (not even real yet) negatives.

 

Try to look at this from this perspective: No matter what choice you make, there will be good things from the outcome.

 

Option A: You decide to end your M and pursue this rekindled relationship. You discover what a truly fulfilling relationship is (compared to the current state of your M). The two of you inspire each other in ways you thought wasn’t possible. You end up with a closer relationship with your daughter. The financial stuff works itself out. The two of you (your HS Sweetheart and you) strive towards a future together where (someday) both of you will grow old and gray and still never be tired of each other. How exciting!

 

Option B: You decide to recommit to your M. So does your W. Now that you have an empty nest the two of you can rediscover what it’s like to be a couple again (instead of mom & dad). You can see what missteps have been made within the M (your W does too) and work together to change the course it’s on. You start seeing the beauty of your M and how wonderful it can be. The two of you (your W and you) strive towards a future together where (someday) both of you will grow old and gray and still never be tired of each other. How exciting!

 

Here is the caveat though – YOU have to CHOOSE.

 

If you don't choose, you keep yourself in this position of pain and paralysis. If you don’t choose (and the worst case scenario - the choice is made for you) you’ll forever wonder the obvious: what could have been. Choosing a path (doesn't matter which) indicates movement. And movement is better than stagnation.

 

Please don’t let fear hold you back from living the life you want!

[beyondmycontrol]

Not sure where to start, but I guess first off I should let you all know that I am the OW in this story. My first reaction was really, he is making a life altering decision based on advice from total strangers who don’t know either one of us. No disrespect to this forum, but I would have rather had this decision discussed between us, honestly. But I thought okay, I would give this a try, but wanted to make sure readers knew both sides of this story.

This man and I were high school sweethearts, we lost our virginities together and had a rather adult emotional bond for being 18 and 17 years old. What happened to us?….I am still not sure, but hindsight tells me that there may have been lack of commitment on my OM’s part. If he would have asked me to marry him at that time I would have said yes. Instead I went looking for a man who would commit to me and want to marry me. I am not saying that was right, just how it was. I dated several men, eventually choosing a very safe, and loving relationship. (can’t say there was passion or rock your world love here, but it was love and he was there for me).

Throughout my 25 years of marriage any sexual fantasies I would have always ended up being memories of the times with my OM when we were younger. I never forgot him and he was always the one for me that somehow did not work out but should have.

Fastforward 30 years and a simple Facebook request turned out to be a lot more than either of us bargained for. We started up conversations like there had been 30 days, not years in between. I had no filter, everything I told him was the truth and there were things that I wouldn’t have told anyone. I realized that not only was he my fantasy, but he had become even more of a man than I would have ever dreamed. I truly felt we were soulmates re-united by fate and it was meant to be. I was melancholy and cried a lot because I knew he was married and seemed happily married by all accounts. I was struggling with growing apart from my husband (but to clarify, not a loveless marriage, he professes his love for me all the time. It is me who feels distant, like I have changed to be what he wants me to be over the years and now I was getting myself back to center, what I really was interested in, believed in and enjoyed instead of doing things he liked). My OM liked the same things, we agreed on many important points.

He asked to meet me and I could not resist. He was caring, considerate, loving , concerned (things my husband rarely portrays). He tasted how I remembered him tasting from 30 years ago and the chemistry between us ignited. We began to e-mail daily multiple times a day, we met frequently at parks and just kissed for hours and talked and held each other. I couldn’t keep from touching him and physically ached when we were apart. I missed him between e-mails and I was head over heel s in love. I could imagine myself growing old and still feeling this way 50 years from now. It was an affair of the heart and it was physical, but it was like coming home for both of us. Then he told me the story of how his wife no longer loved him, but they stayed together for his daughter. I had hope that maybe this would actually be a second chance for us both.

We made love a few times (this was difficult to arrange as you can imagine) and it was rock your world amazing. I absolutely believed he loved me as he said he did otherwise I guarantee it would not have been good sex. I definitely need that emotional bond to be present. I never considered having an affair in my entire marriage until this point. If felt beyond my control and not even as an affair since we were together first and we were soulmates. Who can argue with fate? I did make it known early on that it was the dishonesty that bothered me the most, let’s just tell our spouses and be together. I refused to be the cliché other woman and he could not have us both. I needed a decision. He had issues with leaving his family in financial straits. I understood that and just needed a plan. His wife was in school and would end up with a marketable degree in about a year. His daughter was off at college, but comes home on weekends. I understood all that, but still pushed for honesty, I agree with you all that telling his wife is the right thing to do especially rather than have her find out by some accident, that would be more hurtful. I had conversations with my husband and we decided that after the holidays I would go apartment hunting for my own place. (I did not tell him I was having an affair, but he knew early on that my emotional investment in our marriage had changed drastically) I was willing to get the apartment myself and make the break and he could support them until his wife got a job and was on her own. I made it clear that his daughter would be a high priority in my life also. My children are adults and I am very close with them. I don’t think my leaving their Dad would have a very negative affect on the relationship between myself and them. The apartment search was done partially together as I wanted to consider a room for his daughter to come home to, have it be close to his job etc. I came back from vacation, he stated he had made his decision to flip that switch and we were embarking on a journey of sharing our futures together until I went to go put money down and sign the lease. He pulled away from me, would not meet me and I felt devastated, like I had lost the love of my life and my best friend all at once (again). He needed to soul search and get input from this forum for outside clarification. And that is where we are at so any advice is worth reading at this point.

 

 

I have been reading all the replies and I have to say you have been giving advice I would agree with.

[Distant78]

Not sure where to start, but I guess first off I should let you all know that I am the OW in this story. My first reaction was really, he is making a life altering decision based on advice from total strangers who don’t know either one of us. No disrespect to this forum, but I would have rather had this decision discussed between us, honestly. But I thought okay, I would give this a try, but wanted to make sure readers knew both sides of this story.

This man and I were high school sweethearts, we lost our virginities together and had a rather adult emotional bond for being 18 and 17 years old. What happened to us?….I am still not sure, but hindsight tells me that there may have been lack of commitment on my OM’s part. If he would have asked me to marry him at that time I would have said yes. Instead I went looking for a man who would commit to me and want to marry me. I am not saying that was right, just how it was. I dated several men, eventually choosing a very safe, and loving relationship. (can’t say there was passion or rock your world love here, but it was love and he was there for me).

Throughout my 25 years of marriage any sexual fantasies I would have always ended up being memories of the times with my OM when we were younger. I never forgot him and he was always the one for me that somehow did not work out but should have.

Fastforward 30 years and a simple Facebook request turned out to be a lot more than either of us bargained for. We started up conversations like there had been 30 days, not years in between. I had no filter, everything I told him was the truth and there were things that I wouldn’t have told anyone. I realized that not only was he my fantasy, but he had become even more of a man than I would have ever dreamed. I truly felt we were soulmates re-united by fate and it was meant to be. I was melancholy and cried a lot because I knew he was married and seemed happily married by all accounts. I was struggling with growing apart from my husband (but to clarify, not a loveless marriage, he professes his love for me all the time. It is me who feels distant, like I have changed to be what he wants me to be over the years and now I was getting myself back to center, what I really was interested in, believed in and enjoyed instead of doing things he liked). My OM liked the same things, we agreed on many important points.

He asked to meet me and I could not resist. He was caring, considerate, loving , concerned (things my husband rarely portrays). He tasted how I remembered him tasting from 30 years ago and the chemistry between us ignited. We began to e-mail daily multiple times a day, we met frequently at parks and just kissed for hours and talked and held each other. I couldn’t keep from touching him and physically ached when we were apart. I missed him between e-mails and I was head over heel s in love. I could imagine myself growing old and still feeling this way 50 years from now. It was an affair of the heart and it was physical, but it was like coming home for both of us. Then he told me the story of how his wife no longer loved him, but they stayed together for his daughter. I had hope that maybe this would actually be a second chance for us both.

We made love a few times (this was difficult to arrange as you can imagine) and it was rock your world amazing. I absolutely believed he loved me as he said he did otherwise I guarantee it would not have been good sex. I definitely need that emotional bond to be present. I never considered having an affair in my entire marriage until this point. If felt beyond my control and not even as an affair since we were together first and we were soulmates. Who can argue with fate? I did make it known early on that it was the dishonesty that bothered me the most, let’s just tell our spouses and be together. I refused to be the cliché other woman and he could not have us both. I needed a decision. He had issues with leaving his family in financial straits. I understood that and just needed a plan. His wife was in school and would end up with a marketable degree in about a year. His daughter was off at college, but comes home on weekends. I understood all that, but still pushed for honesty, I agree with you all that telling his wife is the right thing to do especially rather than have her find out by some accident, that would be more hurtful. I had conversations with my husband and we decided that after the holidays I would go apartment hunting for my own place. (I did not tell him I was having an affair, but he knew early on that my emotional investment in our marriage had changed drastically) I was willing to get the apartment myself and make the break and he could support them until his wife got a job and was on her own. I made it clear that his daughter would be a high priority in my life also. My children are adults and I am very close with them. I don’t think my leaving their Dad would have a very negative affect on the relationship between myself and them. The apartment search was done partially together as I wanted to consider a room for his daughter to come home to, have it be close to his job etc. I came back from vacation, he stated he had made his decision to flip that switch and we were embarking on a journey of sharing our futures together until I went to go put money down and sign the lease. He pulled away from me, would not meet me and I felt devastated, like I had lost the love of my life and my best friend all at once (again). He needed to soul search and get input from this forum for outside clarification. And that is where we are at so any advice is worth reading at this point.

 

 

I have been reading all the replies and I have to say you have been giving advice I would agree with.

 

You can type big paragraphs stating your justifications but bottom line, there is no excuse for you to do what you've done. No excuse for you to cheat in your own marriage and destroy your family unit nor is it excusable for you to go help messing up someone else's life. Both you and Midwestern are at fault for destroying each other's families all because of some flame you two had years ago. Be honest with your spouses and let them go so they can find someone who really loves them.

[SidLyon]

Hmm - when I read the first post I wondered if it was written for another audience (ie the OW herself) or was perhaps written by the OW pretending to be the MM. However I gave my opinion anyway because I felt it was valid irrespective of the bona fides of the OP.

 

To beyond I suggest you start your own thread in the OW/OM forum because your presence here will no doubt slant the advice given.

 

To the OP I suggest you try to work things out with your wife (including a confession of the affair) before starting a new life with the OW. If your wife isn't interested (and it sounds like she may not be) then you can go on with a clear conscience. At the moment both APs are gaslighting their spouses, children and extended family in a really despicable way.

[Mme. Chaucer]

There is another person here who has a situation quite a bit like

 

yours:http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t260445/

 

Perhaps the two of you would like to compare notes.

 

Like most of the other posters, I don't think that your decision about your marriage should be predicated by the decision of your high school sweet heart. I do believe that it's easy to reconnect with the fantasy love feelings of when you were a teenager when things are difficult in middle aged life, but that does not mean that it will play out well if carried out in real life.

[BB07]

Well hell-o, just when you think you've read it all, you find out you haven't.

 

Anyway.........do you realize the odds that are against both of you? It's astronomical!

 

I think both of you are living in a fantasy land of sorts because you really don't know each other. 30 years has past and you have been conducting your relationship in secret and that heightens everything and adds a fantasy like quality to it.

 

beyondmycontrol, you say you always wanted honesty in this relationship, well you are NOT living it nor is mm. I think if you both should go to your spouses and tell them the truth of what's been going on and then you'll be faced with reality and you'll be better able to decide if you really want to be together or not. One or both of you may decide that your marriage is what you want or you might not get to make that decision as your BS's might make it for you, but the truth, no matter how painful is the best way to approach this.

Also........I think that is the only way you'll have any chance at all of making it work for you two is to not start out like this. You might think that the truth won't come out eventually but that is naive as hell and to start your relationship on the base of lies and deceit and cheating is a recipe for disaster. Both of you need to address why you allowed yourself to cheat on your spouse and to say that you were star crossed lovers and it was meant to be and you are soul mates is a cop out. The fact is........you have cheated and if you don't address why, your relationship if any in the future is likely to fail.

 

If it matters.....I'm a former OW.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Beyondmycontrol, I agree that you need to start your own thread. Since you haven't, I will say this:

 

I would give this a try, but wanted to make sure readers knew both sides of this story.

 

No offense, but if we were getting "both sides" of the OP's story, we'd be hearing from his wife ...

 

I refused to be the cliché other woman

 

Sorry, but your repeated references to "soulmate" and other choices in your self-expression plant you firmly in that camp.

[whichwayisup]

Let me ask, reguardless of what he does, do you still plan on leaving and divorcing your husband? If he chooses to stay with his wife, I hope you respect his decision.

 

It's good he came and posted here, he has had great advice from many people. He needed help, other insights and he got it. Honestly, it's an invasion of his privacy that you are here and now on his thread. Start your own thread, and then others can reply to you directly.

 

Did he tell you about LS or did you stumble on here by accident?

[kuma]

At the moment both APs are gaslighting their spouses, children and extended family in a really despicable way.

 

Ditto. I really feel sorry for beyond's H. She's wasted 25 years of his life...

Edited January 17, 2011 by kuma

[UnsureinSeattle]

OP- if you're so unhappy in your marriage, you should get a divorce. If your "friend" is so unhappy in her marriage, she should get a divorce. Then you could persue a relationship together with no problem.

 

It kind of sounds like you're caught up in some nostalgic fog, coupled with a big dose of GIGS... and you freaked out when you were about to pull the trigger.

[SidLyon]

Let me ask, reguardless of what he does, do you still plan on leaving and divorcing your husband? If he chooses to stay with his wife, I hope you respect his decision.

 

It's good he came and posted here, he has had great advice from many people. He needed help, other insights and he got it. Honestly, it's an invasion of his privacy that you are here and now on his thread. Start your own thread, and then others can reply to you directly.

 

Did he tell you about LS or did you stumble on here by accident?

 

It's my belief that they planned this together - hence the OP was written with the OW in mind (in my opinion).

 

So no invasion of his privacy if they both knew about it from the get go.

 

However it does reflect a sort of manipulation of people who responded as they beleived he was writing from his own perspective rather than having to constrain what he might say for the benefit of the OW or because of her influence.

 

He could redeem himself however if he tells us the true state of his marriage now, including the intimate details rather than the stock standard lines that are often given to the OW.

[whichwayisup]

I would have rather seen this guys WIFE post here than his OW. Sorry but NO good is going to come of this and his kids are going to suffer.

 

Done responding to his OW, she can create her own thread.

[Bittersweetie]

Both of you need to address why you allowed yourself to cheat on your spouse and to say that you were star crossed lovers and it was meant to be and you are soul mates is a cop out. The fact is........you have cheated and if you don't address why, your relationship if any in the future is likely to fail.

 

This.^^ Without addressing this issue, neither of you will have a healthy relationship in the future, whether it's with your current spouses, each other, or some other person in the future.

 

You both need to make a choice, stick with it, and start individual counseling immediately.

[xxoo]

Throughout my 25 years of marriage any sexual fantasies I would have always ended up being memories of the times with my OM when we were younger. I never forgot him and he was always the one for me that somehow did not work out but should have.

Fastforward 30 years and a simple Facebook request turned out to be a lot more than either of us bargained for.

 

You fantasized about him sexually for 25 years, considered him "the one", and sent a "simple Facebook request"? Come on! That was one loaded request! An affair was exactly what you bargained for with that Facebook request. That request was 25 years of fantasy in the making.

 

Beyond your control? Feelings, yes. Actions (friend requesting "the one" you fantasize about sexually while you are married to someone else), no, not beyond your control.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Maybe I'm just a jaded old fartress, but this whole thing has the slightly oversweet scent of pure fantasy. Sounds like a real bodice -ripper of a checkout stand romance novel to me. JMO.

Edited January 18, 2011 by Mme. Chaucer

[UnsureinSeattle]

Maybe I'm just a jaded old fartress, but this whole thing has the slightly oversweet scent of pure fantasy. Sounds like a real bodice -ripper of a checkout stand romance novel to me. JMO.

 

Ha- particularly the "we were meant to be" stuff. Interesting that they tried it and it didn't work, but then they found each other after a lifetime of being unhappy and, essentially, wasting their respective spouses' time. Someone mentioned "starcrossed lovers" and it seems that we really have a case of rewriting history to justify one's actions here.

 

Oh, and XXOO makes an excellent point.

 

Seriously, the both of you- break up with your current spouses. Then you're free to do whatever you want- up to and including indulging in the strength of nostalgia.

[carhill]

As a result of therapy, I was able to recognize that I had reverted to behaviors and emotional states relevant to the actual age of my first 'experience' with the affair partner. It was like reconnecting had erased all the subsequent time, life experience and maturity. Harsh lesson. Don't know if it's applicable to the OP's dynamic but I offer it up as one realization I had from the affair and therapy process.

[Fight4Me]

...but wanted to make sure readers knew both sides of this story.

 

Neither of you are interested in giving your own families, the ones who are directly impacted by your activities, all sides of the story, so I am doubtful we'll be getting them either.

 

I made it clear that his daughter would be a high priority in my life also.

The apartment search was done partially together as I wanted to consider a room for his daughter to come home to, have it be close to his job etc.

Whoaaaa, Nelly! You are making all these future plans involving his daughter too? I think you've grossly overshot your boundaries here, and the surge of teenage hormones have obviously clouded both of your estimations on how well this young lady is going to take the news.

 

I agree with what has been imparted to both of you... that if you're unhappy in your marriages and would have divorced anyway, then do so; but don't go straight into living with one another and making plans for his wife and daughter without their knowledge. Take the time to get to know each other again, and give your families the chance to meet properly.

 

Hmm - when I read the first post I wondered if it was written for another audience (ie the OW herself) or was perhaps written by the OW pretending to be the MM.

 

I had the exact thought when I first read the OP myself, and chose to hang back on this one until now. Contrived was the word that first word that came to mind.

 

To the OP I suggest you try to work things out with your wife (including a confession of the affair) before starting a new life with the OW. If your wife isn't interested (and it sounds like she may not be) then you can go on with a clear conscience. At the moment both APs are gaslighting their spouses, children and extended family in a really despicable way.

Agree wholeheartedly with the above.

[datura_noir]

I think I can relate to this thread; I have been married once and had a LTR with another man for 8 years.

 

Both times, I fantasized about my first "true love". He was always there in the back of my mind...

 

I finally had the opportunity with my first twelve years ago....

 

As you know, he cheated on me. Wasn't the fairytale after all....

 

People are just people and behave as they are, regardless of who they are with.

 

I found out the hard way, but it was good for me in the end, because I realized that my fantasy of this man was totally overblown, and I had been cheating myself out of a good relationship all these years.

 

Karma is a beotch, I can tell you from first-hand experience...

[AngeletteX]

To beyond I suggest you start your own thread in the OW/OM forum because your presence here will no doubt slant the advice given.

 

Actually, it makes sense that the two APs are writing on the same thread. I'm not sure why you think her presence/post will "slant the advice given". We're getting both APs individual views regarding the same situation (their relationship with each other).

 

No offense, but if we were getting "both sides" of the OP's story, we'd be hearing from his wife ...

 

No offense, but what we’re getting here are both sides of THEIR relationship. Not their Ms.