MM having affair with high school sweetheart. Can't decide!

[AngeletteX]

Why is everyone so quick to jump on these two?

 

Because you find it oh-so-unsavory that past love can be rekindled under less-than-ideal circumstances?

 

To those who insist this relationship is “nothing but a fantasy” HOW WOULD YOU KNOW? Especially if you’ve never experienced it (rekindled love) yourself? Seriously.

 

I think rekindled romance has its own niche, even under the A umbrella. More so if the two of you broke up due to “life circumstances” and not because the R fell apart on its own accord when you were younger.

 

Midwestern-heart and Beyondmycontrol, you have my sympathies. Most of the people who have responded have not walked in your shoes. Even the former OWs have not been where you are. So to the two of you I say this jokingly but - don’t take dieting advice from obese people.

 

Nonetheless, my original advice is still the same: Don’t let fear hold you back from living the life you want.

 

But you must CHOOSE. Choose which positive path you want to walk on - the one with your HS Sweetheart or the one where you recommit to your respective Ms.

[bentnotbroken]

Why is everyone so quick to jump on these two?

 

Because you find it oh-so-unsavory that past love can be rekindled under less-than-ideal circumstances?

 

To those who insist this relationship is “nothing but a fantasy” HOW WOULD YOU KNOW? Especially if you’ve never experienced it (rekindled love) yourself? Seriously.

 

I think rekindled romance has its own niche, even under the A umbrella. More so if the two of you broke up due to “life circumstances” and not because the R fell apart on its own accord when you were younger.

 

Midwestern-heart and Beyondmycontrol, you have my sympathies. Most of the people who have responded have not walked in your shoes. Even the former OWs have not been where you are. So to the two of you I say this jokingly but - don’t take dieting advice from obese people.

 

Nonetheless, my original advice is still the same: Don’t let fear hold you back from living the life you want.

 

But you must CHOOSE. Choose which positive path you want to walk on - the one with your HS Sweetheart or the one where you recommit to your respective Ms.

 

 

Not unsavory..that's a piece of hair in my food. Disgusting, cowardly, completely selfish...those are adjectives that I can use. And you two also have my sympathies..you're going to need them.

[whichwayisup]

Why is everyone so quick to jump on these two?

 

Because you find it oh-so-unsavory that past love can be rekindled under less-than-ideal circumstances?

 

To those who insist this relationship is “nothing but a fantasy” HOW WOULD YOU KNOW? Especially if you’ve never experienced it (rekindled love) yourself? Seriously.

 

I think rekindled romance has its own niche, even under the A umbrella. More so if the two of you broke up due to “life circumstances” and not because the R fell apart on its own accord when you were younger.

 

Midwestern-heart and Beyondmycontrol, you have my sympathies. Most of the people who have responded have not walked in your shoes. Even the former OWs have not been where you are. So to the two of you I say this jokingly but - don’t take dieting advice from obese people.

 

Nonetheless, my original advice is still the same: Don’t let fear hold you back from living the life you want.

 

But you must CHOOSE. Choose which positive path you want to walk on - the one with your HS Sweetheart or the one where you recommit to your respective Ms.

 

Listen, they invited this mess into their lives. One went looking for the other and allowed feelings to grow and continue. That was planned and not smart thinking. After 25 years? come on.

 

Yes, a choice has to be made, its cruel and selfish of BOTH of them to continue the affair on the expense of their innocent (unknowing) betrayed spouses.

[AngeletteX]

Listen, they invited this mess into their lives. One went looking for the other and allowed feelings to grow and continue. That was planned and not smart thinking.

 

What difference does it make? Ultimately, if there was nothing to rekindle, nothing would have sparked it.

 

After 25 years? come on.

 

No, especially after 25 years.

[Midwestern-heart]

Hmm - when I read the first post I wondered if it was written for another audience (ie the OW herself) or was perhaps written by the OW pretending to be the MM. However I gave my opinion anyway because I felt it was valid irrespective of the bona fides of the OP.

 

Just to be 100% here... I wrote the original post as a exercise for my own good but I told my OW that I'd share it with her when I was done. So I guess I knew she would read it (and that may have colored things granted) but I decided to post it here because I wanted (needed) to get the outside input. Really! I value reading the advice here and I could not analyze my own story (it just does not work.) The comments are revealing and I thank everyone here for their input.

[BB07]

Just to be 100% here... I wrote the original post as a exercise for my own good but I told my OW that I'd share it with her when I was done. So I guess I knew she would read it (and that may have colored things granted) but I decided to post it here because I wanted (needed) to get the outside input. Really! I value reading the advice here and I could not analyze my own story (it just does not work.) The comments are revealing and I thank everyone here for their input.

 

So what are you leaning toward doing about it?

[SidLyon]

Just to be 100% here... I wrote the original post as a exercise for my own good but I told my OW that I'd share it with her when I was done. So I guess I knew she would read it (and that may have colored things granted) but I decided to post it here because I wanted (needed) to get the outside input. Really! I value reading the advice here and I could not analyze my own story (it just does not work.) The comments are revealing and I thank everyone here for their input.

 

Thank you for being honest about this - it is what I more or less thought, because what you wrote was so very similar to what my own H wrote when it was written to his own OW. If you search in other posts you will see that much of what you wrote in your first post appears to come straight out of the much discussed (but fictional) "MM Handbook for what to tell the OW".

 

Once I discovered his long affair and read what he wrote I was utterly devastated. He was remorseful and admitted that the things he wrote about me and our marriage were at best a complete exaggeration of the situation and at worst were lies.

 

Two years after d-day we are reconciled and having a great (not an empty shell) relationship.

 

Edited to add: If you were to ask you would find useful information from other posters about how to go about rebuilding your marriage and reconnecting with your wife; from those that have done so. But I suspect the presence of your OW on your thread will deter you from genuinely seeking such advice. This is one of the purposes of this particular Forum.

Edited January 18, 2011 by SidLyon

[alexandria35]

Okay first of all I think the Original post probably was slanted for 2 reasons. First of all because he knew his OW was going to read it and secondly since he is heavily involved in the affair it is likely that he his not being objective or fair in his telling of his marriage. He talks about how his wife doesn't love him, wasn't interested in the marriage etc etc...like these things just appeared out of the blue. Ummm...he's been married for years, are we really to believe that he did nothing whatsoever to contribute to the state of his marriage (if he's even being honest about that, so many MM rewrite the history of their marriage). All the problems are his wife's doing and he was just an innocent? Hmm...I'd say there is probably a lot more to this story. Wouldn't it be interesting if the BW could come here and give her perspective?

 

To the OW if you don't love your husband than you should divorce him. It doesn't matter if your MM leaves his marriage, have enough respect for your husband to set him free. You say he has been a loving spouse so please let him go find someone who loves him. I think you have invented a big fantasy in your head though. You are renting an apartment with an extra room for his adult daughter? I seriously doubt that his daughter is going to have any interest in sleeping over at your place, she's more likely to empathize with her mother and feel nothing but hostility towards you. I wouldn't worry too much about making sure you have a room for her.

[Distant78]

Who said I was making excuses or excusing his behavior? Did you read what I was replying to, or even my whole reply for that matter?

 

Who said I was accusing you of making excuses? Did you even read my whole reply for that matter? I was just sayng, no excuses whatsoever for cheating, you know that.

[Mme. Chaucer]

 

 

No offense, but what we’re getting here are both sides of THEIR relationship. Not their Ms.

 

What we're getting here is a half-baked fantasy.

[shayan]

my opinion and I have no experience with marriage or anything too young for that. Is that you go after what makes you happy, you cannot make yourself miserable for the sake of others You only live once do you really want to die thinking, "maybe it was all wrong."

 

but that's just me.

[woinlove]

Instead I went looking for a man who would commit to me and want to marry me. I am not saying that was right, just how it was. I dated several men, eventually choosing a very safe, and loving relationship. (can’t say there was passion or rock your world love here, but it was love and he was there for me).

Throughout my 25 years of marriage any sexual fantasies I would have always ended up being memories of the times with my OM when we were younger. I never forgot him and he was always the one for me that somehow did not work out but should have.

 

Safe. There for me. Meanwhile you're off fantasizing about Midwest. 25 years of this sounds awful. The only thing worse than a marriage where you aren't loved is a marriage where you don't love. What you feel for Midwest might be love for Midwest or it might be a love for your own youthful self. I'd be concerned about someone's capacity to love others if they weren't able to put their heart and soul into at least a good chunk of a 25 year marriage.

[Distant78]

LMAO Let's take this to PM NOW!!

 

Let's duke it out!:laugh:

[Carrot2000]

Just to be 100% here... I wrote the original post as a exercise for my own good but I told my OW that I'd share it with her when I was done. So I guess I knew she would read it (and that may have colored things granted) but I decided to post it here because I wanted (needed) to get the outside input. Really! I value reading the advice here and I could not analyze my own story (it just does not work.) The comments are revealing and I thank everyone here for their input.

 

Why didn't you tell your wife to read your post? Shouldn't you give her an opportunity to know what's going on? This is the Marriage & Life Partnership forum, after all.

[AngeletteX]

What we're getting here is a half-baked fantasy.

 

What we're getting here is a POSSIBILITY - a possibility of a life that could (notice, I didn't say 'would') be more than either of them dreamed of.

 

Fear holds a lot of people back from living the life they want.

[AngeletteX]

my opinion and I have no experience with marriage or anything too young for that. Is that you go after what makes you happy, you cannot make yourself miserable for the sake of others You only live once do you really want to die thinking, "maybe it was all wrong."

 

but that's just me.

 

As you grow up, don't let the world change the way you think!

[Mme. Chaucer]

What we're getting here is a half-baked fantasy.

 

The language used, the entire story, is pure escapism.

 

I even think that perhaps this is really a wishful thinking fantasy thread more than a bona fide account of events.

 

Regardless, people who are miserable in their marriages and lives, who knowingly live lies for decades are not exactly stand-up types of people, from my perspective. A "simple facebook request" is not going to open up the golden path to happiness complete with angelic voices for folks who have chosen to live that way most of their lives.

 

 

 

Fear holds a lot of people back from living the life they want.

 

This I agree with absolutely. The cowardly behavior of "cheating" is the most fear-based way to conduct a relationship that I can imagine. And, I don't believe that any relationship (or other important life choice or decision) primarily defined by cowardice, dishonesty, fear and/or fantasy can ever possibly be a good one.

 

Just MY belief, and clearly you don't share it. No need to argue about it.

[xxoo]

Regardless, people who are miserable in their marriages and lives, who knowingly live lies for decades are not exactly stand-up types of people, from my perspective. A "simple facebook request" is not going to open up the golden path to happiness complete with angelic voices for folks who have chosen to live that way most of their lives.

 

I agree, MC. Switching partners is not the route to the life they want. It is a route to the same issues with a new partner.

 

Midwest and Beyond, please, don't let fear hold you back from living the life you want! Envision who you want to be, and the relationship you wish to have, and take steps to become that person. Think about who you are at this moment, and who you are becoming through your actions. Is this who you want to be?

[Mme. Chaucer]

I agree, MC. Switching partners is not the route to the life they want. It is a route to the same issues with a new partner.

 

Even among the single, an unhappy person who's living an unfulfilling life is not going to be "made happy" suddenly by "falling in love." The cheating aspect just makes it worse.

[woinlove]

What we're getting here is a POSSIBILITY - a possibility of a life that could (notice, I didn't say 'would') be more than either of them dreamed of.

 

Fear holds a lot of people back from living the life they want.

 

I agree that one has the possibility of a life that is more than one has dreamed of - or in this particular case, even more than 25 years of fantasies worth.

 

However, that would usually require living an authentic life (rather than a life of deception and lies) and understanding what really matters in life. Such people are happy in themselves, but sharing their life with others makes it even richer. There is no indication that is what we are talking about here. Their posts point towards them toying with the possibility of changing partners and not much else.

 

Having said that, change partners or do whatever you want, but, first come clean with the spouses who you have shared decades of your life with and claimed at one time to love. You are squandering your future happiness by continuing to roll around in the muck of deception.

[rowell2024]

Once I discovered his long affair and read what he wrote I was utterly devastated. He was remorseful and admitted that the things he wrote about me and our marriage were at best a complete exaggeration of the situation and at worst were lies.

 

I think that's what we're seeing here and it seems typical. These two APs are so wrapped up in their fantasy, they then re-write their marital histories in their mind and demonize their partners so they can justify to themselves what they are doing. Seems like normal cheating behavior.

[dont-be-naive]

Not sure where to start, but I guess first off I should let you all know that I am the OW in this story. My first reaction was really, he is making a life altering decision based on advice from total strangers who don’t know either one of us.

 

he is a cheater, and you are a woman that has no problem bedding down someone elses husband.

 

thats all we need to know.

 

 

 

No disrespect to this forum, but I would have rather had this decision discussed between us, honestly.

 

but of course you would. that way you can plan your continued disrespect and knife twisting in the chest of his wife all you want.

 

Why don't you tell him to leave her? She is staying for whatever reason, and as an x-BS I can tell you that most al of us with kids will think to ourselves at some point that we don't want to be seen as the reason the divorce happened, even though its the WS that holds that burden.

 

 

But I thought okay, I would give this a try, but wanted to make sure readers knew both sides of this story.

 

ya, I read your story and snipped it because it is irrelevant. both sides of the story would be us hearing from his wife, or your husband.

 

all you did was try to tell us how beautiful your sex and relationship is with someone elses husband behind your H's back as well.

 

So you told your story, and it just verifies what all of us have been saying all along.

 

SET YOUR SPOUSES FREE so they can find someone decent to spend the rest of their lives with.

[AngeletteX]

Just like everyone likes to harp about how "other people" don't know what really goes on in a M - the same holds true here. Please don't forget this fact while you're disparaging this particular couple's R and minimizing it by saying it's "just a fantasy".

 

No one here on this anonymous internet board REALLY knows what goes in ANY given relationship (in this case between two former HS sweethearts who reconnected and rekindled their love) unless you are the two people involved.

 

Did their love re-ignite under less then ideal circumstances? Sure.

 

But that doesn't mean their love can't possibly be real and authentic.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Just like everyone likes to harp about how "other people" don't know what really goes on in a M - the same holds true here. Please don't forget this fact while you're disparaging this particular couple's R and minimizing it by saying it's "just a fantasy".

 

No one here on this anonymous internet board REALLY knows what goes in ANY given relationship (in this case between two former HS sweethearts who reconnected and rekindled their love) unless you are the two people involved.

 

Did their love re-ignite under less then ideal circumstances? Sure.

 

But that doesn't mean their love can't possibly be real and authentic.

 

Putting all that aside for a moment ... do you HONESTLY believe that a miserably unhappy, dishonest, unfulfilled (on an individual level) person can suddenly become HAPPY just because they fall into the arms of somebody? And are the chances better, or worse that this is going to happen if they fall into the arms of another miserable, unhappy, dishonest, unfulfilled person?

 

What on Earth does such a person have to contribute to a relationship?

 

Check the dating forum sometime. None of the miserable, fearful, dishonest SINGLE people over there "find happiness" no matter who they hook up with.

 

We all need to be right with OURSELVES in order to have anything worthwhile to bring into the creation of a whole, viable relationship.

 

The whole scenario seems to be just another manifestation of the "magical thinking" that leads young people into unhealthy relationships. You know, prince charming ... damsel in distress ... true love ... Nora Roberts, bodice ripping fantasy.

 

It's particularly pathetic, to me, to see it in the middle aged and especially those in other "committed" relationships.

[beyondmycontrol]

To beyond I suggest you start your own thread in the OW/OM forum because your presence here will no doubt slant the advice given.

I am sorry that I posted here, I did not mean to skew the advice for MH, I actually thought I was helping bring a more rounded view of what was going on. He wrote this before telling me about it so it never occurred to me that it would be colored and not the entire truth. I did not feel the need to start my own thread because I was not undecided or unsure of my decision. I chose to leave my husband and wanted to start a new relationship with MH

Hey Midwestern-Heart,

 

I have a question for you: When you were describing the bad condition of your M and talking about how she even said that she doesn't love you, you mentioned more than once how you thought this was leading to divorce. Why were you waiting on her to decide?

I'm really just curious, because I read the endless stories of these MMs who are in loveless Rs and blah blah, but they're waiting on the W to leave them! If someone makes it CLEAR that they don't love you, why don't you just nut up and make the move to get out?

 

Granted, you did mention that you have the daughter and the finances and blah blah, but at the end of the day, its your life, do you want to sepend the rest of it being miserable, giving everything you have to someone that doesn't love you and isn't shy about telling you that?? I really think that's just sad, and such a huge waste.

 

Furthermore, you claim that you're worried about your daughter hating you if you leave, don't you think she's going to hate you even more, if you're still at home and she someohow finds out about how you're cheating on her mom? I would figure that would give a girl waaaaay more daddy issues than a simple divorce. Don't teach her that all men are cheating jerks that would rather sneak around and live a lie, than have the courage to do what needs to be done - that would be a terrible disservice to your daughter.

 

I understand the whole fantasy aspect of the A, and I know that you didn't do the apartment shopping with the OW just to string her along and lead her on, I think you really did it because you love the fantasy and there are moments where you think it could come true, but still, at the end of the day, you're stringing her along if you're just coming up with all these reasons why you can't leave.

 

What you need to do is just make a decision and stick to it:

- you can either get a divorce and face all the financial stress / some family drama and get on with your life

 

- or you can go back to your little condo, put on your phony smile, grin and take it. And STOP wasting the OW's time.

 

I personally think that life is way too short to waste living day to day being so unhappy, but that's just me.

Thank you for your support here. It is advice I have also been giving MH

 

DUDE. For the LOVE OF GOD. LEAVE YOUR WIFE and go be with that great lady. Your wife has treated u bad, there is nothin left there for u, she can earn her own money and ur daughter, well, tell her the score, tell her u have a shot at happiness and what can I say - she gets a good role model in u.

 

Yea the change is scary but jeez - MAN UP else you r about to f**k up ur personal gift from above for no good reason. U also have damaged things already wit ur girl, she mite not trust you again unless u really man up and make this rite. Go get the big D rite now, let ur new girl see u doin it.

 

U only have 1 life and u r spendin it gettin crapped on-sort it out dude.

Thank you for your support, I agree.

 

Ditto. I really feel sorry for beyond's H. She's wasted 25 years of his life...

Yes, you are right, I see that now. I did not realize I was in an empty shell marriage until my emotions were re-awakened by MH and I had something to compare it to.

 

You fantasized about him sexually for 25 years, considered him "the one", and sent a "simple Facebook request"? Come on! That was one loaded request! An affair was exactly what you bargained for with that Facebook request. That request was 25 years of fantasy in the making.

Actually, I was looking for some closure and I wanted to apologize for not being there when he was going through the death of his brother. I have much more life experience now and realized that at age 17 I did not possess the ability to support him the way he needed me to.

Why is everyone so quick to jump on these two?

 

Because you find it oh-so-unsavory that past love can be rekindled under less-than-ideal circumstances?

 

To those who insist this relationship is “nothing but a fantasy” HOW WOULD YOU KNOW? Especially if you’ve never experienced it (rekindled love) yourself? Seriously.

 

I think rekindled romance has its own niche, even under the A umbrella. More so if the two of you broke up due to “life circumstances” and not because the R fell apart on its own accord when you were younger.

 

Midwestern-heart and Beyondmycontrol, you have my sympathies. Most of the people who have responded have not walked in your shoes. Even the former OWs have not been where you are. So to the two of you I say this jokingly but - don’t take dieting advice from obese people.

 

Nonetheless, my original advice is still the same: Don’t let fear hold you back from living the life you want.

 

But you must CHOOSE. Choose which positive path you want to walk on - the one with your HS Sweetheart or the one where you recommit to your respective Ms.

Thank you for all your support, you seem to be the only one who actually considers that this might be real and not just an escapism fantasy between us.