hourglasses Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 I don't know what to do or how to react. My wife and I have been married for a little over two years. We'll have been friends for ten years this month, and best friends for the past eight years. We're both 28, female, have no kids, and were virgins when we married. Last week she told me that she loves me, but isn't in love with me and that she wants a divorce. When I suggested marital counseling, she agreed, but her goal in the counseling is so that we can maintain a friendship past the divorce. Prior to this conversation, I was (and thought we were) very happily married. People who see us, tell us how perfect we are together. She says she's happy with me, but that she wants a "romantic" love and I'm not it. She says there's no one else (and I believe her), but she says that in the future, she sees herself with a man (which I'm not). We have sex about twice a year, masturbate independently as the need arises. She says it isn't the sex (or lack thereof), that she doesn't feel anything more for me than for a roommate. But her actions don't match up with what she says. We are much closer than roommates and she consistently does loving things and we express physical affection regularly. Part of me doesn't really buy the "I'm not in love with you" spiel. I think we came into this marriage at different places in life. I'd lived alone for 8+ years, she's always lived with family or friends. She's never worked a steady, 40 hour a week job. And now she is. It seems to me she's going through a quarter-life crisis and I want to be there, to help her through it. But she wants to run (and tells me she's taking the hard way, by asking for a divorce). She's agreed to see a therapist of her own, outside the marital counseling. But she hasn't made the appointment yet, and she's still speaking in terms of divorce being the end result. Her skipping telling me "I'm thinking about wanting a divorce, could we work on things," and going straight to, "I want a divorce" was incredibly hurtful. She moved across the country, away from her family, to live with me. And I still love her, in every way. So, I feel responsible for her life here. But when I asked her today where she sees herself in six months (which is the waiting period for a dissolution of marriage), she says that she sees us downsizing to a smaller apartment and living together as roommates and friends. She wants to remain in town until 2012, so that she can get more experience in her job, and then she wants to move back across the country to be with her family. If I love her, I should probably let her go... but the only way I think I can manage that is if we go No Contact. I don't think I can be friends, without hoping we'll get back together. But, I don't want to put her out on the street, she can't afford a place on her own (I can), I have no family in a 8 hour drive radius, and -- here's the kicker -- I really don't have any other friends aside from her. I find it extremely difficult to make friends and she's the only one I have. And I don't realistically see myself going out there and making some. I was quite happy living alone for eight years, but I'm happier, happiest, with her. So, if I go No Contact... it'll be worse than before, because I won't have her. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 You Can't Fix her. She's made her mind up. I'm afraid you can't undo what's happened, in my opinion, she's got to want this as much as you do. Find the smoothest most amicable way of breaking this apart - and do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 You're in a lesbian relationship that is sexless and she has realized that maybe just maybe she likes men and wants to have sex and be in a relationship with one???? Isn't her sexuality (or crisis as to whether she is gay or not) really the point of this whole charade you have going on? And you glossed over it in three words words in your post.... "she sees herself with a man (which I'm not)" How about starting again and telling us the whole story if you want constructive responses..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author hourglasses Posted January 15, 2011 Author Share Posted January 15, 2011 How about starting again and telling us the whole story if you want constructive responses..... Admittedly, there's a lot for you to read, but it's in the first paragraph... We're both 28, female, have no kids, and were virgins when we married. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 but caught it the second time, when you said she sees herself with a man.... So how about talking about that issue and the "sexless marriage" you have??? Really you don't think the lack of sex has to do with her wanting to be with a man? I am sorry about what you are going through. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hourglasses Posted January 15, 2011 Author Share Posted January 15, 2011 So how about talking about that issue and the "sexless marriage" you have??? Really you don't think the lack of sex has to do with her wanting to be with a man? Well, it wasn't an issue between us, as far as I knew. It's not an issue for me. I wouldn't mind having sex more often, but it's not something I need/want. I wouldn't mind seeing a sex therapist... but that won't solve the underlying issue, if I catch your drift. Okay. I see what you're saying: That she's not having sex because she wants something else. But when she and I have been discussing this over the past week, she insists it's not about the sex. She says she's happy being married to me and that sex isn't the issue. So, I guess you've hit it on the head, and she's not being honest with me/herself about her reasoning. I think what I need advice on is whether or not to kick her out once we start the actual divorce paperwork. She still hasn't done anything paperwork-wise, and she doesn't seem inclined to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hourglasses Posted January 15, 2011 Author Share Posted January 15, 2011 She's made her mind up. Find the smoothest most amicable way of breaking this apart - and do it. You're right. I don't want you to be right, but you probably are. Smooth and amicable sounds nice... but do you have any suggestions on the living situation? There have been some very surreal moments over the past week and a half, during which we interacted just as we always have... smiling, talking about shared interests, doing kind things for each other. She can't afford to stay here on her own, but I'm not sure it would be healthy for me to live with her as a friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hourglasses Posted January 15, 2011 Author Share Posted January 15, 2011 I've poked around the forums here... gotta love the "Similar Threads" feature. I made my way over to this post: i'm happy with our love-grown-out-of-friendship marriage but my wife's not And read the first half of this book review on Female Infidelity. A lot of things in the article seem to fit, although no actual cheating has been going on. (Emotional cheating, maybe.) I printed it off and gave it to her to read. Link to post Share on other sites
nicolas Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 Been there with my wife and let me tell you this: emotional cheating IS cheating. And all your wife's symptoms tell me that you were right to give her that book review. I was shocked when I read that myself, some days ago. I have been trying for a year to understand my wife's actions and only now it's all clear and sitting in front of me. Honestly, I think all you can do is let her go and try hard to get yourself a new life. And do NOT underestimate the need for sex in a relationship anymore. Maybe you don't need it.. but I am sure she does and I am also sure it played a part in your story. Best of luck Link to post Share on other sites
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