He Says "He doesnt Believe in Marriage" What's Wrong?

[Lushez15]

So I've been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years (in about 5 months or so) I am older then him I am 22 and he is 20.....At first it was difficult for me dealing with the idea that I was dating a guy 2 years younger then me but I have met couples along the way where the girl has been up to 10 years older than the guy and have actually learned to deal with that idea and see it pretty normal. I love him very much and he has proven to me this whole time that he loves me very much as well and that I am the one for him. We get along pretty well and have learned to keep away little issues that can cause arguments or fights which by the way don't happen often and I am very happy with that and hope it doesn't change.

 

I know I am young and he is as well but of course him being my first everything and us being together for so long have brought thoughts and concerns to our relationship. Basically because of me. See I'm getting older every year that passes and have started to think about my future and what I would want to see myself doing in the future. I am very old fashioned and a very romantic and dreamy kind of girl and since I was little I always wanted to grow up one day and have a dream husband (sort of like a prince charming lol) and a dream wedding also. I see myself walking down the aisle with a pretty dress and him waiting for me on the other side of the aisle smiling and enjoying the best moment of both of our lives. But seems like I fell for the wrong kind of guy. He believes on the total opposite of myself. He doesn't believe in marriage at all and says "There's no need of a piece of paper for us to be happy" he also says "A piece of paper can cause lots of problems in a case of a divorce or anything in that sort". I don't know if there is anything wrong with him or maybe even me for having those kind of thoughts. Sometimes I think the best thing would be to split and move on and finding that kind of guy for myself but of course that is so hard since I am so in love with this guy and have been with him for so long. Sometimes I feel that if I just leave him all these years together have been a waste but if I stay with him all these years have still been a waste because what would be the whole point of all this time and love we have if it wont be leading to anything else but a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship. Sometimes I wonder weather maybe he will change his mind when his older but other times I don't think he will. I am frustrated and scared of making the wrong move but I need to figure out what to do soon. I have talked to him about how I feel and he still sticks to his beliefs and I stick to mine. This past x-mas he did advice me he was going to get me a promise ring because he knows I would love it and have been wanting one for sooo long but he did not because he said "His mom advised him that if he did that that would mean he will marry me somewhere along in the future" therefore he decided not to buy it for me. We do not live together but we are together almost 24/7 when there is no work in between of course but we do sleep together he comes to my house and spends the night every day so we sort of have an understanding of each other and how it would pretty much be if we were married and did live together I mean I do wash for him sometimes and cook for him as well so we have experienced how that life would be. If there is anyone out there with any tips or ideas for me please let me know and I would gladly appreciate it.

 

P.S. I am also a very religious kind of girl and don't really like the fact that I'm fornicating and committing a sin every time I do it but he does not seem to cooperate what else can I do??

 

P.S.2 Thank You to whoever took the time to read this long and maybe even boring post Lol!

[TaraMaiden]

So I've been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years (in about 5 months or so) I am older then him I am 22 and he is 20....

 

One:

You need to get out more.

Seriously.

You have no Life experience but one's thing for sure. You two are soooo NOT on the same page.

You need to meet somewhere in the middle:

 

you need to realise that (and I'm sorry to burst your bubble) this ideology, Hollywood-style-relationship and romantic wonderful Brady-Bunch rose-tinted-spectacle idea of Relationships is about as far removed from reality as the proverbial unicorn, and he needs to be a bit more sensitive to your needs, understand what is important to you and why and realise that marriage isn't just a bit of paper. It can offer security for those who get that far, in insurance, retirement and children.

But boy, it takes a lot of hard work, commitment, daily effort - and two like-minded people.

 

And you guys aren't it.

Coupled with the fact that you have not even begun to walk round the block, you have a life to live people to meet, things to learn and much to experience.

You both need to spread your wings a bit, because this is just too centralised and focused to be able to give you a real look at the bigger picture.

 

 

Two:

P.S. I am also a very religious kind of girl and don't really like the fact that I'm fornicating and committing a sin every time I do it but he does not seem to cooperate what else can I do??

 

Er....No Brainer......Don't have sex!!

 

What is he, holding a gun to your head?

or just putting you on a guilt trip? Does he not respect your feelings and opinions?

Great way to start this whole "I'm thinking about marriage" thing!

 

if you don't want sex - say so!

And don't do it!

Really, unless he's into raping you and forcing you against your will - it's that simple!

(And incidentally, if he is... you need to sort that out pretty damned quick....!)

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

OP: "Sometimes I feel that if I just leave him all these years together have been a waste..." <--- the worst. possible. reason. to stay in a relationship. EVER.

 

You have been together since he was 14...before he was even finished puberty! This is a child we're talking about here! My boyfriend didn't believe in marriage when he was 14-20. Now, later into his 20s, we are engaged and planning to be married by he end of the year. Believe me, even at 20, he is still a kid. The views he has now will change drastically by the time he is an adult. To be honest, I wouldn't really put much stock in anything a 20-year-old says, except under very particular circumstances (of which this is definitely not one).

 

Like Tara pointed out...using sex as a bragaining tool now is completely unfair. If your values/religion tell you not to have sex, you shouldn't have sex anyway and use that as an excuse to say why you should be get married to relieve you of sin. I don't want to sound harsh, but you need to take some responsibility for your own actions.

[O'Malley]

Your boyfriend and you have moved on from each other. That's a fact of life in the vast majority of first relationships. If you aren't comfortable having a sexual relationship, you need to be clear about this to him. Stop having sex.

 

Take your boyfriend at his word when he says he is not interested in marriage. No matter his feelings for you, he is not going to get married. Put out of your mind "in the future" and "he might change his mind". What's more important is that you've never lived on your own, made independent decisions and mistakes and learned from them -- things that are essential before committing to any marriage and don't involve dreams of the perfect wedding.

 

It's a terrible idea to hold onto a relationship that you are not content in, and you shouldn't stay in it. But your relationship wasn't a waste -- hopefully it has given you some insight into what you want for yourself, and need in a relationship that would eventually lead to marriage. Your early-mid twenties are the time for you to gain some life experience and maturity before making any decision about marriage. There's not an age limit on having a good relationship and/or a marriage.

[Lushez15]

Thanks guys for your comments and help I gladly appreciate you took the time to provide me with some advise and experience in this topic. I wanted to add that when I stated "P.S. I am also a very religious kind of girl and don't really like the fact that I'm fornicating and committing a sin every time I do it but he does not seem to cooperate what else can I do??" I didn't mean to say he forces me in any way to do this what Im saying is simply he is a man who has needs and I enjoy providing him with one of those needs but I would prefer If we would do it the right way that way we wouldn't be affecting anyone. The other things is you have to keep in mind im not asking for this now I want to stay with him forever, I love him and I simply just want this option for both of us sometime in the future but not sure if he would ever change his mind about t his topic.

[sally4sara]

Thanks guys for your comments and help I gladly appreciate you took the time to provide me with some advise and experience in this topic. I wanted to add that when I stated "P.S. I am also a very religious kind of girl and don't really like the fact that I'm fornicating and committing a sin every time I do it but he does not seem to cooperate what else can I do??" I didn't mean to say he forces me in any way to do this what Im saying is simply he is a man who has needs and I enjoy providing him with one of those needs but I would prefer If we would do it the right way that way we wouldn't be affecting anyone. The other things is you have to keep in mind im not asking for this now I want to stay with him forever, I love him and I simply just want this option for both of us sometime in the future but not sure if he would ever change his mind about t his topic.

 

I read this and am gob smacked with the impression that you've never had an orgasm. If you had, you'd realize sex is for you and your needs too.

 

How is the sex you're currently having affecting anyone other than the two of you in either a negative or positive way?

 

That dream wedding and pretty dress is one day out of many many many others. A marriage will be work everyday. Work consisting of you thinking of sex as an obligation to only his needs and no color coordinated fairy dust you in the spot light as a pretty princess moment. Focusing so intently that at 22, you're imagining your life ebbing away is going to have you quite disappointed in the aftermath.

 

I've said I'd never marry, I said I'd never marry again. My husband said he'd never marry. Yet we're married. It just means that at the time a person makes that statement - marriage isn't a priority. And it really shouldn't be a priority to anyone till they can see marriage as something other than an invitation to the ball.

[SaraSmile90210]

I too was with a guy from the age of 16 to 22. I thought I was going to marry him and he always said he wasn't ready. We started growing apart but stayed together both of saying we couldn't imagine life without one another. In the end we did break up. And my life went in a totally different direction then his. As scary as it was going into the unknown I would have lead a miserable life if I would have stayed with him. I'm a totally different person today then I was then. You say you don't want to break up because you have been together so long. If you break up, someday, you will wonder why you waited so long. A person grown the most between High school Graduation and 25 years old. Follow your heart, but don't stick around just because you are too scared to walk away. There is a whole world out there. And although you probably don't believe me...I know I wouldn't have...you will meet someone some day who is on the same page as you.

 

PS. I understand young couples who get married do stay married....however, I have yet to witness this. statistics say people who wait until after 25, are College Grads, and financially stable have a better success rate. Maybe because marriage is HARD. It's not all fun and games.

[heartshaped]

I'm not going to outright come out and say you should break up with him, but it sounds like the two of you have very different fundamental beliefs as far as religion and marriage are concerned. These are deal breakers in my book. I wouldn't hold out for him to change their mind either. Some people's opinions change drastically as they get older, but others stay the same. I have changed a lot personality wise over the years, but my fundamental beliefs have stayed the same, but I know others that this fact isn't true. Honestly though, after six years if he still says he doesn't want to get married, he probably doesn't want to get married. You have to decide what is best for you and what you really want in life before going on.

[Lauriebell82]

I didn't mean to say he forces me in any way to do this what Im saying is simply he is a man who has needs and I enjoy providing him with one of those needs but I would prefer If we would do it the right way that way we wouldn't be affecting anyone.

 

Doesnt matter that he didn't force you, you are STILL doing something that you are not comfortable with. What about your needs though?

 

The other things is you have to keep in mind im not asking for this now I want to stay with him forever, I love him and I simply just want this option for both of us sometime in the future but not sure if he would ever change his mind about t his topic.

 

Right, but because he is only 20 years old, he may not know whether or not he wants to get married in the future. Maybe he will change his mind in the future, we just don't know. You are still so young, I would set a deadline (internally) for yourself, and in 2 or 3 years if your boyfriend has not yet communicated that he sees marriage in your future, then I would consider whether this is the right relationship for you.

[aerogurl87]

You two have major discrepensies in where you see your life going and it's time for you to leave this relationship. My boyfriend is 2 years younger than me and he knows for a fact he wants to get married in the future to me. So it's not about the age, it's about the goals of the individual. He doesn't see any importance in getting married, you do. He apparently doesn't share the same values as you as you're very religious you said, and he could care less. These are problems that go deeper beyond "do I want to put a ring on your finger" because even if you two do get married someone is going to end up with lots of resentment. So save yourself the heartache and find someone with similar goals and values.

 

Trust me, I speak from experience because I wanted to marry my ex who was pro-abortion had I gotten pregnant unexpectedly, and I wasn't. He wanted to change me into his dream girl, I loved him for who he was despite our differences. Either way, it wouldn't have worked and I'm happy I found someone later on who meshes with me on all the right levels. Because that "in love" feeling CANNOT be the only thing to carry you through a successful marriage or partnership with someone long term. It takes similar goals and values and if those are missing, you're just gonna be setting yourself up for failure.

[alwaysagoodgirl]

first, if you do not feel pre mar sex is ok, then stop it now. You have sadly already shown him you will compromise your values for him. You are too young to be shorting your self-respect for a guy. This is the time in your life to concentrate on who you are, who you want to become. Honey, make yourself the priority. Any man worth "your love" will understand and respect your values.

 

men have a saying (not all men)

 

" why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free"

 

Stop giving the free milk and you will soon know what your man's(boy's) true intentions are.