I have absolutely no friends – is anyone else in the same boat?

[jean-luc sisko]

This is nonsensical. I know some very overweight, pretty objectively unattractive people who have lots of friends, because they were the friendly, enthusiastic, life-of-the-party type.

 

People don't look at your personality first. People judge you automatically by your looks and then try to get to know your personality. If some people don't like your looks, they don't get to know you. That's how reality is. I never had a big problem with that but I've seen that looks do make a bigger difference for the loner, shy, quiet and introverted types in any environment.

 

If you don't look, act or dress a certain way then some people will not approach you. Everyone has their own different prejudices when it some to the people they want to be around.

 

Prejudice is normal, but I don't think looks are the key in friendship.

 

I wouldn't dismiss somebody as a friend who I thought was ugly.

[kiss_andmakeup]

OP I just posted a similar thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t270441/

 

I am kind of in the same boat; except that I did have friends in college but we've all drifted apart (physically and socially). You're definitely not alone.

[lawrencebe]

As many of you I find myself in the same boat of being absolutely alone. My social life is abysmal and I must say its been difficult to adjust. Making friends for me is hard and it always has been. I'm always the one being used or some womans rebound, the nice guy, the listener...etc. everyone seems to have it, I'm just not it. I hate being alone, I go out by myself, and yea people will say o your so lucky but it hurts. Hearing people talk about their weekend, seeing guys partying, girls hanging out, couples in love. Its been 3 years and I've pretty much either lost or pushed away anyone who has ever known me. My own family cousins my age don’t even want to hang with me when I come home from the military. People in the military hate me, I try to make friends but I'm the weirdo at work. I have the biggest heart but its like I've been torn, reality has shown me that a majority of my friends were bums and users, now I wish I had them around. I'm invisible and hate not ever being invited anywhere or when i ask what's going on people look the other way. I'm tired of being peoples charity cases. I just want a friend, I date regularly but I'm not into sex or shallow women so I'm excommunicated. I'm starting to think its me, maybe my standards and expectations are off...I just want to goto an island so maybe then I can stop being a burde to myself and others. All alone and i want change...will it ever come?

 

Super lonely guy

[gabblersoersconnpu]

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[harmfulsweetz]

For me, I've always been on the shy side, the quiet side, but over the years, I've learned to accept that is how I am, and not treat it as a flaw. It's the way I am, why should I regard that in a negative light? I think that's where we have the most issues-where we regard ourselves and judge ourselves negatively for not being the way other people are, or expect us to be. I don't have a great deal of friends, at university, I have people I sit with, talk to and would classify my friends, but I don't hang out with them outside of class, that's not to say I couldn't. I have one childhood friend who I see from time to time, and if I made the effort, I could contact more childhood/high school friends and hang out with them. I should.

 

I am an introverted person, I like my alone time, I like quiet, but I'm not creepy or a loser or anything. I used to be more social, but over time, I've realized it all felt fake to me, it felt like effort. Not saying it wasn't fun, that it wasn't nice being around people, and on nights out, and having a wide circle of friends, but if it doesn't come naturally to you, it can be one big headache. I worry sometimes over what people think of me, the girl who spends tons of time indoors, alone, I even go to the movies alone! But then, it's not about what others think, it's about what I think.

 

Appreciate yourself for what you are, the way you are, if you find someone you connect with or have a lot in common with at university/clubs invite them out for a coffee afterward and go from there. Just because you don't have a lot of friends, doesn't necessarily reflect negatively on you as a person. I know for a fact I'm not bad company, but I don't get out much, or have a great deal of friends. I'm funny, a good listener, kind, etc, but I am also an introvert.

 

For me, being an introvert is a personality trait, it means we are more comfortable within ourselves than out of ourselves, is that a bad thing? I know a lot of extroverts who p*** me off, because sometimes it comes off as fake, and show offy, and I wonder just how comfortable they are in themselves. A lot of people shove the fact that people ought to come out of their shells, stop being so introverted, but no one ever says to stop being so extroverted. It's social stigma more than anything else. It's easier to be around those who are extroverted, than it is introverts, but that doesn't make them 'better'.

[lawrencebe]

For me, I've always been on the shy side, the quiet side, but over the years, I've learned to accept that is how I am, and not treat it as a flaw. It's the way I am, why should I regard that in a negative light? I think that's where we have the most issues-where we regard ourselves and judge ourselves negatively for not being the way other people are, or expect us to be. I don't have a great deal of friends, at university, I have people I sit with, talk to and would classify my friends, but I don't hang out with them outside of class, that's not to say I couldn't. I have one childhood friend who I see from time to time, and if I made the effort, I could contact more childhood/high school friends and hang out with them. I should.

 

I am an introverted person, I like my alone time, I like quiet, but I'm not creepy or a loser or anything. I used to be more social, but over time, I've realized it all felt fake to me, it felt like effort. Not saying it wasn't fun, that it wasn't nice being around people, and on nights out, and having a wide circle of friends, but if it doesn't come naturally to you, it can be one big headache. I worry sometimes over what people think of me, the girl who spends tons of time indoors, alone, I even go to the movies alone! But then, it's not about what others think, it's about what I think.

 

Appreciate yourself for what you are, the way you are, if you find someone you connect with or have a lot in common with at university/clubs invite them out for a coffee afterward and go from there. Just because you don't have a lot of friends, doesn't necessarily reflect negatively on you as a person. I know for a fact I'm not bad company, but I don't get out much, or have a

 

For me, being an introvert is a personality trait, it means we are more comfortable within ourselves than out of ourselves, is that a bad thing? I know a lot of extroverts who p*** me off, because sometimes it comes off as fake, and show offy, and I wonder just how comfortable they are in themselves. A lot of people shove the fact that people ought to come out of their shells, stop being so introverted, but no one ever says to stop being so extroverted. It's social stigma more than anything else. It's easier to be around those who are extroverted, than it is introverts, but that doesn't make them 'better'.

 

@sweets I totally and 100% agree with you and never saw that perspective before. when I was amongst the cool crowd in high school the personalities of those people were so shallow and bitter. no one ever seemed truly happy with who they were and put on a facade to impress others. I got so tired of hearing people that were supposed to be friends talk so horribly about each other.

 

I do take pride in being an introvert but it does get lonely but I just realize its me needing to accept the fact that I've grown from the social norm that surrounds us daily. like you I enjoy my peace and quiet time and I go out and about on my own. its so much better to have that confidence in yourself to know you don't need a group or click to validate your every move. when I look back on it friends somewhat hold us back from growing because we constantly conform to what the crowd wants to do. I know I became so engulfed in others that I forgot what things made me happy and now I can say I have a firm grasp of that. people see us introverts as weird, I often see it as intimidated by our natural way not to be pulled into what others view as normal. just typing this has given me so much clarity and now its time to move into acceptance of this is me now.

 

Feeling much better

[harmfulsweetz]

@sweets I totally and 100% agree with you and never saw that perspective before. when I was amongst the cool crowd in high school the personalities of those people were so shallow and bitter. no one ever seemed truly happy with who they were and put on a facade to impress others. I got so tired of hearing people that were supposed to be friends talk so horribly about each other.

 

I do take pride in being an introvert but it does get lonely but I just realize its me needing to accept the fact that I've grown from the social norm that surrounds us daily. like you I enjoy my peace and quiet time and I go out and about on my own. its so much better to have that confidence in yourself to know you don't need a group or click to validate your every move. when I look back on it friends somewhat hold us back from growing because we constantly conform to what the crowd wants to do. I know I became so engulfed in others that I forgot what things made me happy and now I can say I have a firm grasp of that. people see us introverts as weird, I often see it as intimidated by our natural way not to be pulled into what others view as normal. just typing this has given me so much clarity and now its time to move into acceptance of this is me now.

 

Feeling much better

 

Glad you're feeling better

 

Exactly right, I think my being an introvert is a personality trait of mine, not some flaw that I need to change immediately. I used to hang around in quite a big group, not necessarily the cool crowd, but even then, I noticed the more extrovert the person, the less comfortable they were in themselves. I think a lot of people associate big group of friends with equalling acceptance when this isn't always the case. I'd rather have a small group of friends, or be happy in myself alone, than make friends to gain validation.

 

It's nice to have company, can't deny that, it gets lonely but I do think the more alone I am, the more comfortable I feel in my own skin. I don't have to be a certain way to keep someone interested, I can just be me. There's just different kinds of people out there, extroverts and introverts and the inbetweeners and I think everyone just needs to accept themselves as they are. Stop looking at being an introvert as a flaw, a problem that must be solved quickly, because it won't be solved, you are what you are, it only becomes a problem when you apply the social stigma to it. I always wanted to be one of those girls who was feisty, assertive, talkative, outgoing, life and soul of the party, but I can't be because I'm not. I am in my own little way, I can be assertive and all of those things, but it's not about being who you're not, it's about being who you are.

 

I think that ties into being able to make friends, by accepting your own personality, you can accept others for theirs. I've always found it easier to be friends with extroverts because there's conversation, two introverts together don't necessarily make for the most comfortable atmosphere in that both of you become aware of the quiet, etc. It's just easier to be friends with someone either inbetween, or the other way. JMHO though.

[nicedream]

I just wanted to repost this, because I think it's an excellent, very honest set of observations. But I wanted to add...

 

I'm an introvert, and I have only a few friends...who I cherish very, very much. I think having fewer friends allows me to really lavish attention on them individually, and become part of their lives. I *love* being a thoughtful, quiet, sensitive, caring, creative and witty introvert!! And I love other introverts...so don't be ashamed of who you are!!

 

I think it's hard for introverts to compete in the friendship arena with the hustle and bustle activity of modern society, with the allure of television and other media, the ease of the internet and with more outgoing "fun" people.

 

People tend towards doing the easy thing and they will connect more readily with something or someone competing loudly for their attention (and valuable time) that promises to be entertaining. Introverts are in general harder to get to know, offering less "entertainment" value and tend to get left behind when others are making plans. Sadly many a good person has fewer friends than they ought to have because they aren't likely to call attention to themselves.

 

Outside of a group construct where people of all sorts are thrown together for a long enough time to observe the true value in the various involved individuals such as at work or in prep school, sadly, I can't imagine a scenario where an introvert will shine.

 

I'm at the other end of life and have become a bit more of an introvert as time goes on. It doesn't matter that I have a nice home, a good marriage, love my pet, had a successful career, have a lot of interests, am well educated and well read, I still have a hard time getting seen and heard long enough to be interesting to another person on casual acquaintance.

 

And I'm sorry to say that it's hard to change a lily into a daisy. An introvert can "fake it" for the short run and try to be the life of the party but it isn't authentic to who they are and in the end I've observed that it falls flat. I suspect we introverts are truly victims of the move from small towns and family centric living to modern urban society. If it weren't for the internet, none of us would get heard. Sadly that is also unfulfilling and people can get trapped in cyberspace lacking a more fulfilling outlet in real life.

 

My best suggestion is at those classes and volunteer opportunities, look for a fellow introvert on the margins of the activity, someone who seems normal enough and use your face time to connect with that person rather than the people already chatting up everyone in the room. If it seems like there might be a spark, invite that person for coffee or ice cream, find out about them and then follow up again if there might be a potential for a new friend.

 

Best of luck to you. It's not easy. I know that for a fact.

[Sarabina]

Hi Guys

 

Thanks a lot for the wonderful replies - it's good to know that this thread has helped other friendless people besides myself.

 

I love the discussion of what it means to be an introvert vs. what it means to be an extrovert.

 

I have recently found an amazing website that is made especially for introverted people and it has opened my eyes. This website has literally changed my thinking and my behaviour and I encourage everyone to read it.

 

http://kingdomofintroversion.com/table-of-contents/

[The Straightener]

Perhaps some of us can pm or chat to get to know each other better. I haven't had a close friend since high school. I'm 30 now. I drifted apart from this other potential friend about two years ago because he was tied to a program at the University that I no longer wanted to be part of. It was tied into a career track that was terribly stressful and sorrowful personally for me. He reminded me of it. The only one I really like talking to is this girl that bought something from me online back in 2005. I have her email, phone number, address. I suppose you could call it a LDR. It's rather a weird relationship. Apparently she's talked to her family about me and she always tells me "they know all about you." She's even consulted her mother about what she should get me for gifts. I didn't find this out until last November. She just got engaged so I don't think I'll really be staying in touch with her. She says otherwise but I don't think her would-be hubby would want her talking to me and I've told her so. She quickly replied that nobody controlled her and told her what to do . We'll see. The bloom is kind of rubbing off with her.

 

Anyway, if anybody wants to chat, just pm me and we'll go from there.

[Katzen]

Sweetz, I'm another one who agrees fully about what you're saying. I am an introvert as well, though I have long time accepted it, and no problem.

 

Though, there's something wrong. I have friends, but I feel I don't. People usually tell the things they did the weekend/afternoon/whatever.

 

I have a group of friends, one of them has been a friend of mine since we were 8, and we go around every break. Yeah, it's quite nice, but out of school... There's like nothing. He's the only one who I see regularly at summers.

Well, he's invited me to go to a gym, but I haven't neither accepted or rejected that.

 

Otherwise, I feel very comfortable with myself when I'm alone; I listen to music and enjoy myself. There's this thing, that turns me crazy; Not hanging out with friends. Sometimes I feel I haven't done anything useful the whole day, just staying in front of the PC (which I often do). And at weekends, I'm with my parents.

 

I feel that I'm shy of myself, my dad said he thought I was; It's probably true.

 

If I spend some time alone (the break, for example, like today) and see the other teens, and how happy they are talking with their packs; all of this above appears in my head and doesn't get away. I think I dislike other teens. I feel more comfortable with adults.

 

Maybe all of this stuff is just an hormonal teen thing, this didn't start till I returned from a trip I did last summer (visiting some relatives in Asia) and I think that I keep searching for what I did on the trip. Having always someone to talk with, go around, etc.

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I think a lot of people are in the same boat.

 

We are turning into an introverted society. People feel afraid to hug one another nowadays, or show affection. Human kindness falls short compared to human meanness. And because of that, more people are turning to their computer screens for fulfillment, rather than to other people for social interaction.

[Katzen]

I think a lot of people are in the same boat.

 

We are turning into an introverted society. People feel afraid to hug one another nowadays, or show affection. Human kindness falls short compared to human meanness. And because of that, more people are turning to their computer screens for fulfillment, rather than to other people for social interaction.

 

Well said. That's what I noticed when I returned from Asia, exactly the Philippines.

 

At the end of the holiday, I'd just do what my local relatives were doing. Just taking care of their animals and the house.

Evenings would pass just talking, about anything. My cousin really liked to talk, and we'd stay until late just talking.

 

Return to the western world... And it was rather like hitting a wall. I felt people here were much colder. I was eager to talk all day.

 

I don't know if it was that -being introverted- I felt a great liberation when going away from my place or it is really the difference between societies.

 

Either way, it's what you say. My dad grew up on a small town and he tells about the times people wouldn't doubt to help anyone. Nowadays it doesn't happen.

[Mcnulty]

NEVER judge a book by it's cover...never! Mohdhm talks a load of nonsense saying people are weird because they wear suits, have shaved heads etc...that's aesthetics...it's what's underneath that counts.

 

I am a loner at heart, I work, have a child, friends I can go out with, but i live alone, have done for years, had lots of relationships...but as i say, i live alone and get accused of being a commitment phobic...I don't think I am, it's innate, it's my nature. hell i feel lonely at times, who doesn't, but I'm aware that true happiness comes from your own actions, not others. if you're introvert, fine there's nothing wrong with that, it';s the way you are,, but we can all enhance our life with a bit of bravery and risk taking, reach out sometimes to others.

 

The internet and technology, I feel has encouraged us to be a more solitary society and it's much easier to chat online or use sites sitting at your pc on your own, but I have the need at times to go for a walk , have a chat, a coffee and that's what society is forgetting...human interaction is the key to being at peace with yourself.

 

I've read all of the posts on this thread and empathize with so many people, i know it's hard and scary. If you want to be on your own and enjoy your own company that's fine, but when you feel lonely and want to reach out, be brave and do it...nothing changes unless something changes.