How much effort shall I invest in somebody who is not free for a relationship?

[joehofmann]

Hi,

 

what would you do? I have desperately fallen in love with a girl, that I have known for almost two years now. She really liked me and I am sure I could have dated her easily. The problem is that when we got to know each other I was in a relationship with another girl. At this time however my old relationship that had been existence for five years at that time was not really the way a good relationship should be like. It was the beginning of my time at the university, I had very many problems with my parents and old friends and with all the new things happening to my life and so I wanted to give the old relationship another chance.

 

Two months ago my ex-girlfriend and I decided to end our relationship and continue as friends. However, the girl I have now fallen in love with started to go out with another guy and they have become a couple. I have the feeling that - altough they know each other for only half a year - there relationship could be quite a serious thing.

 

We are very good friends, I see her more regularly than her boyfriend and we spend very happy hours with other. I am not sure whether I should invest more time and energy in her and try to achive something that is possibly no good to anyone. Shall I stop spending my time with her and try to think of somebody else? I have tried to talk to her about my feelings but the only thing I could do was writing a letter giving very clear evidence for my feelings but not saying anything really.

So is there anybody who has been in a similar situation? What would you do?

 

I am sorry that my english is not very good,

 

Thanks for any comments,

 

Joe

[Arabess]

I guess the answer would depend on the response she gave you when you told her about your feelings. If you haven't TOTALLY told her how you felt in the letter you wrote....you need to sit her down for a long talk.

 

She may feel the same way.,

 

And she may want to give her new relationship a chance.

 

You won't know until you are completely honest with your feelings and see if she feels the same.

[dumbstruck]

uuuuggghhh....how ironic that i am in a strange scenario similar to this.

check out the "hooked or baited fish" story in "friends and lovers."

the guy i'm crushing on is giving me a run for my money...he got dumped by his girlfriend of six years. she moved out for the second time, and when it happened, he began confiding in me. at the same time, i had just been dumped by my guy of two years.

 

now, we have begun talking over the phone and he was telling me all about two women he is having occasional rendezvous with...one being his ex. as a friend, i listened and did what good friends do.....as a person crushing on him, i felt odd that he'd let loose with such things. i haven't been with any men since being dumped nine months ago...he was floored at this fact, but started hinting that he'd like to nail me, too....but enough about that...

 

i have done the same thing as you have....play it "safe" in fear of being rejected like "that". if the girl you are crazy about is really happy in her current affair, you should try to be happy for her, too. but, if you feel that taking the risk would be worth it, i would come across like, "hey....i know this is a bit off-beat. how's your boyfriend?" see how she is doing, and see how she responds. make it clear that you really want her to be as happy as possible....and joke that you could l"earn a few of HIS traits to be so lucky." haha. but indicate that you'll be there no matter what because you care immensly for her....and if it was up to you, you'd give her the world. women want to know if their man can be a knight in shining armor

 

and just be HONEST. it's silly that we all fear the truth, and that's all we want to hear. if you believe that you've had moments with her that pointed to the possibility that she digs you...take a chance! you sound crazy about her!!

perhaps she felt that YOU weren't interested, and chose to move on. she might have been playing the cool casual silent type over the matter, too. the only way to find out is by expressing the truth...but make it clear you don't want to cause her any problems over how you feel....because you cannot "make" someone feel the same way. and i'm sure you don't need a jealous boyfriend coming after you, either. ;-)

 

good luck and i wish you the best.

[capitald]

I try to steer clear of girls that are "taken". There are very appealing singles out there. I know how I would feel if some guy was trying to steal my girl away, so I don't do that out of mutually respect for my fellow "brother". It sounds to me like your setting yourself up for disappointment.

[metal_chik]

Did u ever consider just trying to be friends, insteada just trying to figure out whether u can "get her" or not. If it should happen, give it time and it will. I agree u should tell her how u feel, but don't expect her to drop her new man. Remember ur the one who was taken first, maybe she tried to wait on u...ever consider that?

[sami]

If you want to be fair to both them then let her decide on her own. Do not push or suggest anything from your side. Better still to keep a distance. Give her a chance to follow her own feelings without any pressure from your side.

[capitald]

I think there is a danger of making too much of a game of the romance thing. If we watch every move that everyone makes all the time we suck alot of the mystery and spontaneity out of life. I think women watch men like a hawk to make sure they are being "good" and then cry when there isn't more romance or spontaneity. Face it, if you sit on an egg too long it might start to look like you but its not going to be the same egg that made you smile in the first place.